Imposing Parents

Mike87

Im not a parent just yet but I can feel myself "imposing" my own attitudes and beliefs... "my kids will go to the finest college in Ireland" "none of my kids will be religious" "if I have a son he is going to be a bodybuilder just like his father" etc.

But the thing is, I dont want to push my kids into the life I wish I had. At the end of the day, I want my kids to make their own decisions. If I have a daughter and she wants be a nun thats her choice, if I have a son and he wants to be gay thats his choice. But I just know in my heart and soul that at the first signs of anything I dont like I'd be very discouraging and Id be pushing them to do the things I want and the things I wish I did.

So boardsie parents. How do you cope? Have you any hints/tips/tricks/stories suggestions that may benefit me?

Das Kitty

Mike87 wrote: »

Im not a parent just yet but I can feel myself "imposing" my own attitudes and beliefs... "my kids will go to the finest college in Ireland" "none of my kids will be religious" "if I have a son he is going to be a bodybuilder just like his father" etc.

But the thing is, I dont want to push my kids into the life I wish I had. At the end of the day, I want my kids to make their own decisions. If I have a daughter and she wants be a nun thats her choice, if I have a son and he wants to be gay thats his choice. But I just know in my heart and soul that at the first signs of anything I dont like I'd be very discouraging and Id be pushing them to do the things I want and the things I wish I did.

So boardsie parents. How do you cope? Have you any hints/tips/tricks/stories suggestions that may benefit me?

I thought I'd be like that, but honestly, since having my young buck it hasn't been the case.

I'm endlessly fascinated by the things he finds interesting, things that would never have entered my head. And to see him taking pleasure in them makes me want to follow him more than lead him. Obviously on a level, things around the house and other people's interests are going to rub off on him. But anything he's doing that I thought I might not want for him (like being stupidly interested in Bob the Builder) is actually fine by me.

One of the things we did want for him was to love reading and we filled the house with books, thankfully he loves it. Gets up in the morning and takes three or four from the shelf and brings them into bed with him to read for a while. He's only two and a half and it's glorious to hear him reading to himself in the mornings. Had he shown no interest, I wouldn't have been able to bring myself to be pushy.

I also know from meal times that being pushy has the opposite to the desired effect!

Moonbeam

It is not really his choice to be gay;)

My kids are very young(3,1 and bump)
I try to let them make their own decisions where possible,my 3 year old decides what she wants to wear which once it is weather appropriate she is allowed to do,she is allowed to pick her own breakfast cereal and I am hoping by letting her make the little decisions now that she will be equipped for the big decisions later in life.
I think that we can guide them in later life but we need to let them be their own person too.
Of course I want them to go to Uni become Engineers and doctors ,have lovely husbands and kids and settle down the road from their parents but I understand that this may ot happen but hopefully the education that we do give them both academically and for life is enough to get them through!
(and me!)

racso1975

Never thought i'd be pushy and wasnt until he started playing football.......part of my brain is like "ffs racso he is 4yrs old playing under 6 football calm down!" then the completely unrational part is like "come on racso junior i know ya can do better why dont ya do x y or z!"

Honestly begining to think his mother should take over bringing him to matchs and training.

So after all that i can give you no advice :-(

Mike87

racso1975 wrote: »

Never thought i'd be pushy and wasnt until he started playing football.......part of my brain is like "ffs racso he is 4yrs old playing under 6 football calm down!" then the completely unrational part is like "come on racso junior i know ya can do better why dont ya do x y or z!"

Honestly begining to think his mother should take over bringing him to matchs and training.

So after all that i can give you no advice :-(

I had to lol reading that

But thats exactly what Im talking about. And no offence intended to yourself. But Im sure you are a football lover and Im sure thats probably where baby rasco gets it from.

Me, I dont like football. If I had a son and he took an interest in football Id love to say that Id very supportive- but I can just imagine pushing him more into something else that Id prefer. And I really I dont want to be like that.

racso1975

Mike87 wrote: »

I had to lol reading that

But thats exactly what Im talking about. And no offence intended to yourself. But Im sure you are a football lover and Im sure thats probably where baby rasco gets it from.

Me, I dont like football. If I had a son and he took an interest in football Id love to say that Id very supportive- but I can just imagine pushing him more into something else that Id prefer. And I really I dont want to be like that.

Ya Whats the sickest part of all, and this is where i'll prob have to close my account due to abuse. One of the reasons i have him playing gaa football is for the hand ball skills for when the rugby club allow him to join at 8!!!

Yes i'm hanging my head in shame!

RedXIV

I have to admit, i have a bit of this in me. I want our 7yr old to do the things I was doing so we could bond more over it. I brought him to martial arts clubs, basketball courts and video games which would have been my 3 biggest commitments growing up and so far only video games have held his attention in any way.

I'd like to think I'd say "do what you want" but knowing so much about certain sports and seeing how well he would work in certain roles means I want something that we are both passionate about to be a part of his life. Thankfully I'm not at the stage of forcing him to do anything, if he doesn't like something he can drop it but i am making him try everything

cynder

We all have ideals before we have kids.

After we have kids we find they are somewhat different ( in a good way) to our expectations. Be open minded enough to let your child show you.

My eldest (almost 13) is good at athletics, she loves it too, has won a gold every year from age 7, qualified for cross country, came joint second in the school mile. she comes kickboxing with me once a week ( her choice) and got her white belt a few weeks ago. She goes horse riding each week, her choice and has won plenty of rosettes and even won the county school competition. She is a very sporty child. I support her, she even wanted to do the flora mini marathon with me and I let her ( even though she was 2 years too young).




My boys however are computer mad (my eldest has no interest in computers) my boys also play soccer and hurling. Their choice. They opted to give taekwondo a break for a while.



We all want what's best for our kids, sometimes you have to listen to your child ( their likes, wants and desires) to know what's best for them. Sometimes it goes against your original plan for them when they were infants or before they came along or developed their personality . They will let you know, give them the option to try something if they don't like it move onto something else, top tip - listen to them.

Hannibal Smith

Mike87 wrote: »

Im not a parent just yet but I can feel myself "imposing" my own attitudes and beliefs... "my kids will go to the finest college in Ireland" "none of my kids will be religious" "if I have a son he is going to be a bodybuilder just like his father" etc.

But the thing is, I dont want to push my kids into the life I wish I had. At the end of the day, I want my kids to make their own decisions. If I have a daughter and she wants be a nun thats her choice, if I have a son and he wants to be gay thats his choice. But I just know in my heart and soul that at the first signs of anything I dont like I'd be very discouraging and Id be pushing them to do the things I want and the things I wish I did.

So boardsie parents. How do you cope? Have you any hints/tips/tricks/stories suggestions that may benefit me?

It's a tough boundary to try not to cross. I have no idea what my kids are going to be when they're older and I hate when I hear some one say 'oh he's a good drawer, he's going to be an architect' type thing. He's 3 ffs, if he can colour inside the lines I'm happy!

BUT! I would love for them to see their own potential and reach it. And that's the old 'I want him to have the life I never had' mantra I think you're trying to avoid? I don't care what they are occupational wise, but as long as they really go for whatever it is they want. For now, I'd just be happy if they stopped swinging out of the fireplace

I think we can all agree when we bring them for the developmentals and they're taller than average, or heavier than average or are clacking the blocks together when they should only be chewing them, we're all delighted with our little geniuses though :D

cynder

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Mike87 wrote: »

Im not a parent just yet but I can feel myself "imposing" my own attitudes and beliefs... "my kids will go to the finest college in Ireland" "none of my kids will be religious" "if I have a son he is going to be a bodybuilder just like his father" etc.

But the thing is, I dont want to push my kids into the life I wish I had. At the end of the day, I want my kids to make their own decisions. If I have a daughter and she wants be a nun thats her choice, if I have a son and he wants to be gay thats his choice. But I just know in my heart and soul that at the first signs of anything I dont like I'd be very discouraging and Id be pushing them to do the things I want and the things I wish I did.

So boardsie parents. How do you cope? Have you any hints/tips/tricks/stories suggestions that may benefit me?

I think we can all agree when we bring them for the developmentals and they're taller than average, or than average or are clacking the blocks together when they should only be chewing them, we're all delighted with our little geniuses though :D

ummm

My 2 boys were smaller than average by 1cm and the little guy failed every developmental...


He has now however ( age 5.5 )shown he is very creative and the pictures he draws, the things he builds are amazing , the thought behind them is fantastic.

He may lack in many, many areas but not creativity.

That's his calling.. Well for the time being...

Time will tell.

Hannibal Smith

cynder wrote: »

ummm

My 2 boys were smaller than average by 1cm and the little guy failed every developmental...


He has now however ( age 5.5 )shown he is very creative and the pictures he draws, the things he builds are amazing , the thought behind them is fantastic.

He may lack in many, many areas but not creativity.

That's his calling.. Well for the time being...

Time will tell.

Good for him

cynder

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

cynder wrote: »

ummm

My 2 boys were smaller than average by 1cm and the little guy failed every developmental...


He has now however ( age 5.5 )shown he is very creative and the pictures he draws, the things he builds are amazing , the thought behind them is fantastic.

He may lack in many, many areas but not creativity.

That's his calling.. Well for the time being...

Time will tell.

Good for him

As long as he doesn't draw on the walls....

He goes through a ream of paper a week. I keep his better ones, have a box full of them...

Hannibal Smith

cynder wrote: »

As long as he doesn't draw on the walls....

He goes through a ream of paper a week. I keep his better ones, have a box full of them...

haahaa.....yes, true about the walls...we've already had the markers on the table disaster

That's amazing he goes through so much paper, and great you're keeping them. So cute!

cynder

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

cynder wrote: »

As long as he doesn't draw on the walls....

He goes through a ream of paper a week. I keep his better ones, have a box full of them...

haahaa.....yes, true about the walls...we've already had the markers on the table disaster

That's amazing he goes through so much paper, and great you're keeping them. So cute!

I recycle the wastage, during school term he doesn't do as much, he could sit there for 2 hours designing, cars, funny people, planes, houses, imaginary creatures and so on.

deisemum

Having an almost 17 year old and an almost 15 year old I've found they'll do their own thing anyway and they'll be swayed more by their friends than their parents.

I've kept most of their arts & crafts and their news copies from school. The news copies are hilarious when they write things about home

silverharp

most reasonable parents get a sense of what their kids like or will be good at. For instance wrt sports, I'm determined that mine do them but am neutral on what they do and dropped one or two because they didnt like them.
Personally I dont subscribe to "chinese mother" syndrome and while I know mine would make excellent musicians we are not going down the route of throwing everything at it to the exclusion of other things

whatdoicare

Don't worry about imposing things on your kids as 99% of the time, if they have no interest in it themselves, they won't bother with it.
My mam put me into music, dancing and religion- all the things she loved.
I wanted to be an artist and she had no interest whatsoever in art.
She never once encouraged my art and actually actively discouraged it and did everything she could to interest me in her hobbies.
In the end, at 30 years of age, I can't play piano, can't sing or dance and I am an atheist. I also work as a graphic designer.

So, yr kids will be who they are gonna be- either go with it or get left behind but don't worry about it. : )

edellc

My fella is nearly two and I want him to do whatever he wants to do in life, his daddy comes from a theatre family and ganddad lived vicariously though his children and now he is trying to live vicariously though his grandkids and that is fine as long as its not my son that he trys to do this with....which he has, arguments have happened between me and the OH over this as never once have I mentioned a career for him HE'S 2 FFS, yet granddad is the only one who has..tut tut tut

I think the OH's family keep forgetting that I exist and how big a part I actually play in my sons life and its not all about them, as issues also arose over what his first name would be and they were not impressed that I did not call my son after granddad or any other male family member hehe he is after all an individual and not a clone

So yeah was not expecting any of the above and it has made me even more determined to let him do whatever he wants to do (as long as its not theatre hehehe) only kidding...maybe