a few words about my mam

john_cappa

Had rough few days. As some of you (on other parts of boards) will know i have acted as carer and pretty much given up all activities apart from caring for my mother for the last 6 months after a long 16 year battle (3 years currently, currently being the wrong tense really).


My mam passed very sudden (not really that sudden as it was in the post for 3 years ) on Friday morning. She arrived to our home house Saturday morning at 08.00 and we sat with her till 17.00 today (sunday). At one stage during the wake I counted 30 cars parked in our yard and passage way (boreen as its known in Ireland)(yes counted as I was out smoking and filling myself with cancer).



I have never felt more alive than how I felt as I watched the sunrise this morning out the window while sitting with my mam.


Tonight was her removal and I shook in the region of 700-1000 people hands tonight. I learnt more about her in the last 3 days than in the last 30 years of my short life.


Below is a little something I wrote to read at her mass tomorrow morning.



Not going to read it as I know I cant so am passing that burden to someone else.



Just posting to try and help find myself closure.


Names x-ed out below etc etc

XXX was a lot of things to a lot of people. She was a loving wife to XX for nearly 45 years, an amazing mother to XX and John and a doting grandmother to XX and XX . She thrived on all her family, her sisters XX and XX, her brother XX, and her many nieces and nephews. Her family meant so much to her. She was the person anyone could talk to.
We have all exchanged stories about XX over the last few days and as one of the family mentioned “if XX didn’t know, it hadn’t really happened”. We laughed so hard and we cried so hard. We celebrated her life. The house has been full for the last few days, a testament to how much people cared about her.



Leasie was the life and soul of the party. As recently as last year at her son’s wedding, after the reception there was attempts made to persuade her to go to bed after the long day, her response “go away outa that, I am going to the residents bar”. She loved nothing more than entertaining family and friends in the house for a few whiskeys or going to XX on a Sunday night with Jimmy to meet their best friends.



3 years ago her children were told she had only 6-9 months to live. They decided not to share this with any of her family. This was a good decision in the end as leasie was a lot tougher than the doctors thought. She lived on to see many important occasions. Her first grandchild followed quickly by her second and her son’s wedding day.



She died incredibly peacefully. Thinking back on the events over the last week and month we suspect she felt a lot more that she let on and knew her time was becoming short. Small little things that she wanted sorted. This was classic XX. She wouldn’t complain. If you asked her “how are you feeling” her reply would be a standard “not too bad at all and how are you and all of yours”.


She stayed at home till the very end, with her family all doing their part to make sure she was well cared for. She decided that her time was up. She had a couple of difficult nights during the week and decided to go to XX hospice for the week end. It was very tough for her to even travel in, but when she got there she settled down totally and relaxed. Her breathing improved and she was in great form, the nurses gave her some different medication and she thought to ask “is it still ok to have my whiskey with this” the doctor replied “only if its good whiskey”.
Looking back on how relaxed she got when she arrived at xx hospice we think that she had decided her time was up but as usual had kept it to herself. She got tired and settled down for the night. She slept well but deteriorated in the space of half an hour. She passed so peacefully with her husband and children holding her tight as she had always held them. You will live forever in us.


XX , XX and John would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for all their support over the last few years, all her family, sisters, brother, nieces and nephews, neighbours and close friends. There was always someone there to wipe the top of the cooker with one cloth and the bottom of the cooker with another. There were people who knew when to bring the apple tart or when to just sit in silence and watch the soaps.
Also a special mention to Dr XX , XX and XX, all the staff in XX pharmacy and the XX hospice home care team.


Good night XX and as she would always say to her children after they had grown up “don’t forget to go to bed”……..…good night XX ……….…..my forever friend.

tricialou

beautiful! especially the end!

john_cappa

Dreading christmas :-(

Taltos

An awful lot of people do John, for this very reason.

Not sure how you are planning to deal with it - but my mum now goes out for Christmas dinner and toasts dad there.
If there are any children in your family / extended family - just focus on making it special and happy for them - even though you will be cracking up inside.

Sorry I cannot suggest more.

ctaf

john_cappa wrote: »

Dreading christmas :-(

Understand totally, my way of coping was to remember/imagine what my dad would say to me. Like your mam, he loved people, a good drink and party and I know it would have drove him mad if I didn't embrace life. I try to continue to make him proud.
Wishing you and your family a peaceful Christmas

emsie80

beautiful - especially the end. sorry for your loss

Mam of 4

So sorry for your loss.

My mam died in november last year. My brother,his kids and myself and my kids always spent Christmas Day with my mam and dad. Dreaded last Christmas Day,but my brother said a lovely few words about my mam as we all sat down to dinner and we toasted in her honour.

It was hard but we all tried as best as we could to be ourselves and to have a laugh as she would want us to do.

Thoughts are with you and yours.

john_cappa

Thanks very much. Bit lost at moment. Very busy taking care of dad. I love doing it but its wrong how much I am doing as it is not allowing him to learn to cope on his own not to mention the negative effect it has on my own relationship and career. I would be content to do it for the next ten years but I know I shouldn't and can't but am worried about having regrets when my dad goes.

Rock

Hard place

Hello!

Taltos

That is a bad spiral to fall into.
Your dad has to come to a realisation himself that life goes on and that while you are always there for him he has to start to stand on his own feet.

In my families case we all sometimes get over involved in mum's life and make choices or decisions for her - the result is normally anger/rage and recently she verbalised that while she knows we are trying to help all we are doing in fact is sapping at her self-confidence. Sometimes we have to let the other person fail - even if it hurts.

Can I suggest you start slowly with your dad. Involve him more in the choices, also talk to his GP. You never know he may need some extra help for a little while. But in terms of you - you have to try to step back a bit and ensure your own relationship and career do not overly suffer. Easier said than done I know.

There have been deaths on both sides of my family. My mum, had a bit of a breakdown while trying to be strong, none of us spotted it until it was too late and she was dependent on alcohol. However, after an intervention with a threat of hospitalisation she has turned herself around and fights each day to be as independent as possible. This is though after being on medication for quite some time. On my wife's side her father struggles on in his own way, however he is still stuck in the moment of loss and it colours everything he does and says. Neither went for grief counselling, instead choosing to find their own way out of the darkness but neither have quite made it to the other side.

Grief counselling might also be important to you. You too need to learn how to deal with the loss you have suffered and it might also give you some insight in how best to proceed with your father. Guilt is a terrible thing, and it is a great motivator so in learning to recognise the signs you can arm yourself to make better decisions or at least more informed ones.

Galwayguy35

RIP for your loss OP, my mother died suddenly 5 years ago and although it's a bit of a cliche as time goes on you do learn to deal with it in your own way.