what does he want?

LegacyUser

I would really appreciate some constructive advice. I had a crush on a married friend and told him, I knew nothing could happen and deep down didn't want anything to happen. My self esteem is obviously not great and he knows this. I realise it was a stupid and selfish thing to do. I'm useless at telling if men are flirting with me, just being nice or trying to cheer me up. Anyway we nearly did kiss once and on two occasions he patted my behind and has commented on my appearance. I mentioned this wasn't appropriate and he apologised. I convinced myself he wasn't the type to start an affair and we were just friends. Recently when talking to him the conversation was mainly about affairs friends of his had, I got the impression he didn't approve of them and wanted my opinion.
I thought it was a bit hypocritical and insensitive of him but am left wondering was he just trying to make conversation or hint that he doesn't want an affair, that he thinks I thought he might have? I'm totally confused and know I've only myself to blame.

WhyGoBald

Don't blame yourself, but do distance yourself from this so-called "friend". Either he is using your confession to boost his ego or he is contemplating an affair. Tell him you can't see him for a while, and follow through no matter what he says.

ElleEm

The conversation about friend's of his who have had affairs could have been him trying to suss out your opinion on them. He may have wanted to have one with you. Personally, I think it was inappropriate of you to tell him you had a crush on him- he has a wife!! It is also inappropriate of him to "almost" kiss you and touch your ass.

I agree with Whygobald, you need to distance yourself from him. He can't be any good.

cruais

That doesn't sound too good. THat conversation was definitely him sussing you out to gage your reaction, and I'm sure if he got any sort of positive reaction from you, he would gradually keep doing those inappropriate things more frequently so that in the end, it would be you Infact making a move on him.

I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that are lovely and are not married. I would keep a barge pole between the two of you.

Ellsbells

USERNAMEUNKOWN wrote: »

on two occasions he patted my behind and has commented on my appearance

Ugh he is a sleaze.....

I would think he wants you to be his mistress / bit on the side... He obviously knows you are up for it and following some 'mature reflection' he has decided he wants to cheat on his wife and as you have already offered, you'll do.

Is this really the best you can do?

Mighty_Mouse

Personal responsibility.

You, yourself, by your volition, have come onto a married man telling him that you fancy him. The assumption is you will sleep with him if he should choose.

If this affairs happens, all negative consequences which come your way, are deserved.

The solution here is obvious.

Ellsbells

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

The assumption is you will sleep with him if he should choose.

Exactly!!!

CommanderC

You deserve better than this slimy guy.

Why would you want to be with some one, who would do those things behind his wife's back? (The almost kissing and the patting the bum stuff).

You should stay away from him-end of.

Stavro Mueller

Does it really matter what he really means? Whether he's telling you he doesn't approve of affairs or if he was sussing you out is neither here nor there. He's still a married man and you would be an utter fool to get involved. It's bad enough that you had that lapse of judgement where you told him you fancied him. What the hell were you thinking??

It's time for you to use some common sense for a change. Do you really want to have an affair with a married man? He has a wife. He might have children. Don't assume for one minute either that he's not the affair type. You'd be surprised at who is likely to cheat sometimes.

The only sensible thing to do here is to quietly withdraw yourself from the circle in which you meet this man. Or make sure you don't spend time alone with him. You have more or less handed yourself to the man on a plate so you're on the back foot. If you think your self-esteem is bad now, try dealing with an affair and the aftermath of one?

Piliger

Hi OP.

The truth is, as you tell it, that you are instigator of all of this. And you are to blame if it goes tits up. I am sorry to be so direct, but that is the way it is.

I see absolutely nothing that this guy has done wrong. We know nothing about his marriage - if it's good, bad or broken, so I don't believe he is to blame for anything or how you can call him insensitive or hypocritical.

Clearly he fancies you and is being sensibly careful in sussing out how you feel about a relationship.

The ball is in your court. It's simple. Do you want to have a fling with him or not. it's up to you to decide.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for feedback. Some harsh criticism but probably deserved. As stated originally I don't and won't have an affair with a married man. I realise it was a stupid mistake to have admitted that I liked him. I've taken the first step in admitting I'm not perfect and have low self esteem. I think that we are both to blame for this mess and I know now what to do. Didn't mean to give the impression that I wanted an affair to anyone reading my post, just wanted an objective point of view on what he might be thinking. Was hoping naively that he was hinting that he didn't want an affair but deep down my thoughts were similar to those stated in replies.

dannyc31

you dont need to be sorry but the replies are right on the money. chances are he wouldnt go through with a full blown affair due to the consequences i.e. (if he has a young family etc) but he is liking the idea that he could have you if he wanted. he's just being a typical bloke, we all love female attention and especially once a man has married he is now off the market but still likes to believe he has women chasing him. its an ego boost that most men are just programmed to really get a buzz out of.

anyway as said above you need to start having more respect for yourself, no-one should be aloud invade your personal space by touching you, that way out of order. stay away from this guy, because if it did start getting physical, it will only end in disaster for you, him and potentially his wife and kids if there are any.