I just ended my marriage

LegacyUser

As of 10 mins ago, I just ended my marriage. I know some of you are thinking why am I posting on boards but the fact is I could never dream telling family and friends at this stage. I am very upset.

The last while I have been dreadfully unhappy all due to my husbands drinking. I love to have a drink like anyone else too but he takes it far into the excess so much so that he gets aggressive and has no recolation the next day of any of his actions.

Yes it did happen before we were married but he cleaned up his act as he knew I would be gone. Then we went on honeymoon for two weeks. It was a lovely quite place and this drove him mad as come midnight, there really was limited place for nightlife.

One night we met an Irish couple and we had a few drinks with them. My husband got so drunk, he stood up, fell forward, knocked a table over and then fell backwards onto a motor bike.

To say I was mortified was an understatement. I was so upset but I didn't let anyone see it. I just pulled him up and took him home. He verbally abused me saying I was a f-ing dry Shiite that he was just enjoying his few drinks. Again he had no recollection of it the next day.

Another night on honeymoon, he drank to much again, drank shots of absinthe when he went to the bar and when we got home, he tried to jump out the 6th floor window in our room. I had to drag him back, resulting in me having a permanent scar on my knee from where I gashed it. As a result of drinking, he wet the bed nearly every night on our honeymoon so I slept most nights on the spare bed-couch thing. He verbally abused me about my family.

But this weekend took the biscuit! I had a small operation last Monday but have been quite sick and sore since. He was working all week so I stayed in my parents as I needed someone with me at all times. I came home to our hose on the Friday night, feeling a bit better and all was fine. Friends of ours went down the country fr the weekend and he informs me he wished we could have went.

He drank that night. I had 2 glasses of wine. I later found out that Everytime he was going ut of the room was to swig straight spirits without me knowing. He tried to light a cigarette from the toaster and let it fall in but forgot about it. The smoke alarm went off in the kitchen and I ran into him laughing. I flipped!

The next day, again he had no recollection and couldn't understand why I was fuming. He apologised profusely but I went to my parents. Eventually I came home yesterday evening, and he had the house spotless but then I found 4 empty cans, and an empty bottle of wine next to the couch. This was at 5pm.

I lost it again and he informed me that it was the BH weekend and he wanted to have drinks with friends, but since they were gone he was drinking by himself. He then opened another can. I jumped up, took it off him and went into the kitchen and emptied every drink he had in the fridge down the sink.

He called me a f-ing bitch, jumped in his car and left. He never came home last night. I tried calling him as I felt I'll and my stitches where bleeding. No answer. In the end I had to attend a + e on my own, as if I told parents they would go through him (they don't like him as it is).

That was the final straw. This morning when I came home, I put all his clothes in black bags waiting for him. He text me at 9am saying sorry babe I was asleep last night. Are you ok?xx

It turns out he went to his parents house as they are away, and drank all night with his sister but claims to be asleep when I needed him.

So he came home and was surprised to see his stuff in bags. I told him that's it and he begged and pleaded saying ow sorry he was. He was crying and saying he loves me and can't wait to be together till we are old. I told him to get out and that was that. He did. But sat crying in the car for ages.

I'm so sorry for the novel. I am looking at this and I have painted a horror picture of him. When he is not drinking he is the funniest, good looking, sweetheart anyone could want. But I have to move on now!

Just looking for advice from anyone who has ended a marriage and see how they are getting on.

Thanks!

mikedee1

Strange...i just posted an hour or two ago re the same thing...I have "mentally" divorced my wife after years of taking her depression led drinking and its chaos.
she (in the last 5 mins) has called me an "ignorant b""""d" because I wont join in another argument....unfortunately i have to stay in the same house and ensure the children are ok etc. They cope well but they will need help if it goes further and I need to be around to ensure they get it etc.
Meanwhile I'm "getting on with it"......
As for yourself - you have my heartfelt best wishes and support if needed. Taking the abuse from the alcoholic mind is tortuous and is totally unacceptable...i finally did what i had to do...now i need to work on physically removing myself from the situation...
I hope you find your holy grail and I will keep you in my thoughts as we move forward through these difficult times.
Peace....xxx

tinkerbell

OP, you did the right thing. He is an alcoholic and doesn't care how it affects you and he is emotionally abusive to you when he has drink taken. You have to do what's best for you if he just won't accept it. Good for you for standing up for yourself, and go to your parents - they will be really supportive of you and you need that right now.

Ellsbells

I am sorry op. He is an abusive alcoholic. Unless he gets serious treatment you are in for a life of misery. I feel sorry for you but thankfully you are strong enough to kick him out. I could only conside taking him back after he gives up the booze and has has counselling

jessiejam

You did the right thing for now. You need to get out of there before he hurts you or worse. Just because he can't remember doesn't make it ok.

If what you say about him being all he is when sober,then things could get back on track, if thats what you wanted. But the drinking has to stop. I would suggest you stay away or vice versa until he seeks help and is completely off the drink.

He is an alcoholic. He needs to admit this and seek help immediately if he wants his marraige to work. If not, there isn't anymore you can do except stay away from him.

Stay strong and if he wants you back he will have to be completely dry. Otherwise you will end up right back in the same place in a couple of months.

ABajaninCork

Very sorry to read this OP. But I do agree with the others. You have shown yourself to be incredibly strong and brave in dealing with your situation as decisively as you have.

Of course, he may try to wear you down by promising to get help, change his habits, yada, yada, yada. Trust me, I've been there, and none of the promises came to fruition. To this day, I reckon my ex is either dead from the drink or down and out somewhere. He was that kind of guy.

You aren't bound to tell anyone what's happened yet until you are ready to do so.

At this time, you need to look after you, emotionally as well as financially when the time is right. Perhaps some counselling when time is right might be helpful in helping you to deal with the situation.

I wish you lots of strength and luck. Look after yourself!

aoshea83

It might be worth giving him one more chance, but with the strictest of clauses,

1.Book into a clinic and get dry (may need chemical detoxing).
2.Put on daily doses of antabuse by doctor.
3.Nightly AA meetings for a few of weeks gradually reducing the number of meeting attendance to 2 per week, one having to be on Saturday night.
4.No alcohol in the house, EVER.
5.Zero Alcohol tolerance, he falls off the wagon, he's divorced.

He obviously needs help, he just cant see it nor can he help himself, tell him that this is it, if he loves you and if he wants the marriage to work, then the above is non negotiable and that you'll help him in every way you can.

This will not be easy for him, in any way, if he does the above you will never get a better testament to his feelings about you and the marriage, it'll be long and hard road for him so he'll need support.

It's been tough on you from reading your post and you have every right to just walk away, but I'd look at seeing if he will do the above.

That's just my s cents anyway, best of luck OP.

Piliger

Hi OP. What an awful bloody thing to happen. I really sympathise.

I honestly think, based on your post, that you have been very very sensible, smart and brave to do what you have done and I think that you need to stay strong and stick with it. Many others don't have the bottle and intelligence to know when to walk, and spend years of their life suffering. I am so glad you haven't gone down that road.

Alcohol is such a pernicious and dangerous drug when it's abused, and when a user has lost control of themselves, as in this case. There is nothing you can do in this situation to fix things and I believe you chose the best option for both of you. he needs to look for help and to tackle this demon of his.

One thing I am disappointed about is that you have not reached out to your parents and friends. Yes I know you are hurting and afraid of being judged perhaps. But I would say to you this ... your friends are your friends because they care about you. When you are in trouble like this they will be so disappointed that you have not allowed them to show how much they care, by coming to your side and supporting you. As a father of a son, I also know that if I had a daughter I would want to know ... however awful the truth may be. So I urge you to reach out a soon as you can. of course it is painful, but it also healthy for you and will play a major role in recovering.

Others will offer more immediately relevant experience. I myself am divorced. I know how painful it is. The guilt, the failure. The feeling of inadequacy. I can only say that time will help all the pain. It will never go away but will ease with time, your family and your friends.

tricialou

Hi
You did the right thing. He is an alchoholic and will not change. If your family dont like him they will support you all the way. Please dont go back x

Magicmatilda

Hi OP,

He sounds exactly like my ex. A wonderful man who was also a raving alcoholic. You have done the right thing by leaving. It may prompt him to get help for his addiction. That said it probably won't. Not because he does not love you but because he can't, he is unwell. The thing with alcoholics is they always get worse, never better (until they stop).

You really need to look after yourself now. Perhaps attend al anon, I know the relationship is over but it may help you to understand both him and yourself more. After all you have put up with this appalling behaviour so perhaps you need to explore why?

Cut contact for a while, a few weeks at least. If he is contacting you, send 1 text saying you are taking a few weeks to reconnect with your self and you Want to be left alone. He should respect your decision but he probably wont, ignore any further contact. In that time be kind to yourself. Allow whatever emotions come up. Do things you enjoy as much ad you can.

I wish you all the very best. I hope you find some joy soon.

LegacyUser

You have done the right thing by ending your marriage. You have told your husband numerous times about his drinking, what he has done drunk and he has taken no notice of this.
He left you alone when you came home after an operation to go drinking. You had to get yourself to a and e that night because you had some problems. He decided that his drink was more important than you which shows he has a serious problem.

You need to tell your parents and friends why you have broken up with him as they will offer you the help and support that you now need.
I would do this as soon as possible as he could turn up to your home or your parents house drunk and being abusive about you and what has happened.
If he does this I would ring his parents and tell them what has happened and why you ended things. Some parents refuse to see if one of the family members has a problem with alcohol and at this stage they need to be aware of it as he could be back living with them.

Beruthiel

Marraigeisgone wrote: »

When he is not drinking he is the funniest, good looking, sweetheart anyone could want.

Most alcoholics are, when they're not making your life a living hell.

It's no way to live and fair play to you for being brave enough to make a stand.
Without doubt, you did the right thing.

Yes, when you end a marriage, it's a very sad day.
In your head, you've failed. You made a decision to be with someone forever and it didn't work.
Well, it's not your fault OP.
You did your best.
You don't have to suffer through living with an alcoholic like they did back in the day.

You will be sad and lonely for at about 6 months.
One year from now and you'll be so much happier and will have moved on.
Keep your chin up, take one day at a time and continually remind yourself that this is the only way forward.
Best of luck.