Mother problems

notsobusy

The problem is my mother, she and my father split up 2 and a half years ago after 20 years of fighting. I'm 27, I've just had a baby and live with my partner. The baby has been a godsend for my mother as she's still extremely raw over the split with Dad. He had a number of affairs and was fairly ****ty to her over the years. But he is a good guy and a great dad. Finacially he is very good to my mum. The only thing is that they are both renting. They own 2 properties and are trying to sell them, no go unfortunately. But it means that my mum can't have her own house at the moment so is renting. Money is tight but it's not awful. She does have a bit of a money problem, can't budget huge phone and electricity bills. But when my sister, brother and I bring it up she says that Dad has taken away her lifestyle and that he needs to give her more money. Now I will point out that as we were growing up and even in the good times we still weren't that well off. Mum seems to have forgotten this.

My brother still lives with her and this is causing alot of problems with him as he ends up having to deal with the crap. He spent the weekend with my Dad and had dinner with my dads girlfriend one of the nights and mum found out. She freaked, totally flipped. Screamed and ranted and raved. She has done this several times and it's quite frightening. She won't admit she needs help as she can't seem to get over my dad at all. Every few months she gets it into her head that they can try again.....He has no interest and has told her this several times.

I have offered for my brother to come and live with us, my sister does at the weekends. But he then doesn't want Mum to be on her own, same with us. But saying that he needs to get away from it all. Unfortunately he's out of work and in college at the moment so can't afford to live away. He spends alot of time in my dads place but there is no public transport near so he can't get around whereas with my mum he would have access to her car alot of the time.

After yesterdays flip out we've decided that really needs to talk to a professional but they are quite expensive, are there any sort of free counsellors we could get access to?

I had a very bad relastionship with her for a long time and for the sake of my brother and sister I have become more tolerant of her and I just try and listen when she talks to me about her issues. She adores her grandson and spending time with him helps alot and distracts her but I am worried about her, as she's driving her friends away with her behaviour.

Sorry for the long post but we are totally mystified as to what to do with her.

Idle Passerby

You've said it yourself that you think she needs help. I think all you can do is gather your siblings and talk to her. Say her behaviour is getting too much and point out that she's driving people away. She sounds very unhappy, and Im sure she doesnt want to go on being so.

notsobusy

We've tried talking to her but she keeps saying she doesn't need help. We asked her round for dinner this evening and she seemed alot happier. She's going to the solicitor in the morning to sort out the legal separation. Maybe that's the issue, the fact that it's all becoming real....with the separation looming. Anyway will look into counsellors and things and in the mean time just keep asking her round and keep her occupied.

She's just so sad and lonely and I feel so desperately sorry for her but I just find it hard to understand why she can't just accept it at this stage and move on.

miec

Hi Op

I am sorry that your mum is going through a hard time but it doesn't sound like she is taking responsibility for her life or being very adult in this. I can understand your need for distance as she seems to be emotionally dumping on all of you which is grossly unfair. Unfortunately you cannot make her go for therapy (which I agree she needs) and even if you marched her to one, she may not engage with it properly. She needs to see that she has a problem and she can't do that whilst all of you are enabling her behaviour. For a start, her money problems are hers, she needs to learn to budget properly, all of her children are adults now so your father is no longer financially responsible for her, she has to now manage her finances without him. Does she work or make her own money? She also has no right having a go at your younger brother for seeing his father, that to me is wrong. I think it would help your mum if you and your siblings practised tough love (not easy but is doable) which basically means saying Mum it must be difficult for you with your problems but we can't help or do anything and we would prefer if you didn't dump on us (or something much kinder than that - I tend to be a bit blunt).

notsobusy

She is not irish and has never had a proper job here. Mostly part time work here and there. The thing that gets me is that she says that Dad has ruined her life and she was looking forward to the older years with him......the thing is they fought for 20 years and didn't really get on. She can't see this, we have said it to her a number of times.

At the moment she is working but that work finishes soon, she has also started her own business and that seems to be going ok at the moment and hopefully will take off. But she claims that Dad has to support her which to me is fine and he doesn't mind giving her money. She is renting at the moment, there is no family home as it was sold several years ago and they were supposed to build a house and it never happened....She says one of the major issues is that she doesn't have the security of a house which I agree but her rent is paid every month by Dad as long as all the other bills. So she is lucky that she gets that!!! Also whilst growing up money was never good, we never went away on holidays or anything like that. But she does go home to her family every year. It's quite far away and Dad always funds it. But this is never good enough.

It's just so frustrating as she just can't seem to see the reality of the whole thing. When we talk to her it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm having a total rant here about it sorry.

She freaked when I asked her a while ago to not talk about her problems to me and my sister and brother told her the same as they were really affected by it. We told her we weren't there to be her counsellors and that she should go to a professional. No go. She apparently doesn't need help.

miec

Hi Op

I agree with you she is very lucky, I have been raising my son alone for the last fourteen years with no financial assistance from his father and I have to fund everything myself so I guess my own stuff comes out when I hear women complaining that their exs don't give them enough. Also she may have different expectations of how marriage, relationships should be. It is good she is setting up her own business and maybe this will grow and take up more of her time and energy but being locked in negativity is not helping her.

However during this all of you are having to deal with the outcomes. Fair play to you for at least trying to say to her to get help and that it is difficult to hear this, I am not surprised that she fails to see she is causing upset to you all and that she is fine. I am not sure what else to suggest, the only other thing that may help is when she starts talking of your father and all her problems is to just reply yeah, yeah whilst doing some household activity. On a subconscious level she will see you are not taking her stuff on board and she may stop (or she could get mad and ask you to stop what you are doing but it might be worth a try).

notsobusy

Thanks Miec, I keep saying to her she's really lucky as Dad could have left her high and dry, as you say some women are not as lucky.

Anyway we will just keep working away with/at her and hopefully the positives will start coming through.