Wondering why?!

merlie

Hello all,

I have decided to write this as it has been bothering me for a while now.

My daughter who is 23 moved out from the family home to live with her boyfriend who is 20 at his family home. She is an only child and me and her have always always had a great and fantastic mum and daughter relationship. She moved out in February/March of this year.

I was shocked at first but I did understand her need to be with him, as she loved him and he her. It is for them both a first relationship. So I know how magical and exciting it all is but.. here is the thing.

I have yet to meet her boyfriends family, his mother and siblings. He has met all of ours bar some and he has been down to my home on numerous occasions, when I prompt about meeting his mum, I get a sketchy reply such as ..soon or in the next few weeks. I have not been to their home yet either. His mum has been under doctors care for depression and is on medication, and because of the medicaiton, she has short term memory loss!

I see my daughter for 4 hours almost every Saturday but that has disappated in the last few weeks and haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. She couldn't get down to me last Saturday for some reason. I have tried to ring her but her phone keeps ringing and I have text her and I have yet to recieve a reply since yesterday. Today her phone is off. I don't understand what is going on and what the delay is in coming down to his house and meeting his mum!

I have patience to wait and I do understand how things go. I did tell her the longer they leave things like this ..the more awkward it will become! His mum looks after my daughter by buying her stuff she needs and washing her clothes...I am sort of put out by that! My daughter and myself have never ever fallen out or argued over anything. We have always had the best relationship and I couldn't ask for a better daughter. I am very proud of her and have told her so. I just worry, I can't help it, its a mom thing!

I just wished I understood this situation better. I do not understand the delays in meeting with his mum or even going to the house! I am concerned about Christmas this year and if I will get to meet them before then!

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading. This is all genuine. I just need some pointers or advice please. Have you had something similar happen to you? What did you do about it?

Thank you again,

Kind regards

woodchuck

merlie wrote: »

I do not understand the delays in meeting with his mum or even going to the house!

I'd imagine it's to do with the mothers depression. It could be that the mother herself is afraid to meet you incase she embarrasses herself with the short term memory loss and your daughter is just making excuses on her behalf.

You could try to have a heart to heart with your daughter about the situation in such a way that you're not pressuring for a meet up, but just to understand the situation. The mothers depression could be worse than you know, so just try to be as understanding as you can.

I'd try to focus on maintaining your relationship with your daughter first and foremost though and don't push the meet up with the mother too much. It's natural that your daughter may have less time for you now that she's moved out, but all you can do is try your best to keep in touch and meet up when you're both able to.

Sorry I can't give you more substantial advice... I think most of what is happening is a natural progression once a child moves out of the family home. This is just complicated by where she has moved to, but try not to take that circumstance too personally. Her boyfriend probably wants to be around to try and help his mother as much as he can and if your daughter wants to stay with him, then that's where she has to be too for the time being.

merlie

Thank you Woodchuck for your reply. I am maintaining contact with her and I do understand the situation. I am very patient but don't really want to leave things in such a way that it would become awkward.

Her boyfriend is lovely and I am delighted she met someone so nice and so caring. I just hope that things will sort out soon.

I just needed someone elses view of the situation. Thanks again

woodchuck

How would it become awkward though... do you mean with the mother? There are plenty of 'in laws' who never see each other or only do so at big occasions, so it's not necessarily the norm that you would have to meet her at this point in time.

I'll admit it's a little strange that you've never seen where your daughter is living though. Is there any way you could suggest dropping around, maybe at a time when the mother is not there? I'm sure your daughter must still get the odd letter posted to you, you could maybe use that as an excuse to drop something over (not unannounced though). Or do you ever give her a lift home after you meet up? If not you could offer, which could naturally lead to coming for a cup of tea of something.

Or if you usually talk by phone maybe you could suggest skype and a webcam instead? It's only a small thing, but it would at least let you see the backdrop of where she is living and would give you the opportunity to mention that you'd love to see the rest of the place. Again, it's not something I'd push for, but no harm mentioning it when the opportunity presents itself (you wouldn't know what's going on with the depression; if the place isn't kept very tidy they might not be keen to have visitors)

iguana

Why do you want to meet his mum so badly? My parents didn't meet my in-laws until we were together for nearly two years and even then everyone* assumed that we must be making a big announcement, like an engagement or pregnancy, because they couldn't understand why else we'd go to the bother of arranging a meeting between them. Including that meeting I think they've only met 8 times in the last 10 years, and that includes 3 times on the day before, of and after our wedding. While both sets of parents are a big part of our lives, neither is a part of each others, which is pretty usual in most families. Both sets of in laws mostly only ever really get together for the big events in their kids/grandkids lives.

I know that it might feel that as your daughter lives with her 'mother-in-law' it would be more natural to meet her, but the fact that the woman has depression and memory problems very likely means that she would really rather not meet new people. And, tbh, the fact that you seem to find it strange to not pursue a relationship that it's not usual to pursue could be making everyone feel under a lot of pressure that would make your daughter less likely to want to arrange a meeting.

*And I mean them, friends, extended family and co-workers we mentioned it to.

Big Bag of Chips

It's an unusual situation in that your daughter has moved into her bf's family home. So it's not really 'her place', and as such maybe she doesn't feel comfortable inviting people over (even her mum!).

Add to it that his mam suffers from depression, and may not be the type of person who likes visitors. Or might feel under unnecessary pressure to be the perfect host. You might be happy with a cup of tea and to supply the biscuits yourself.. whereas she might feel under pressure to lay on a big spread.. and just not up to that much work.

I don't think it will get "awkward" the longer it goes on. As the previous poster mentioned many in-laws rarely meet each other, or only do so at big occassions. They aren't even in laws yet! She's your daughter's bf's mother. My mother was lucky to meet my boyfriends at that age... Never mind being introduced to the rest of the family!

I find it a bit strange that you would say he has met your family, but you haven't met his... He's not going out with you. He's going out with your daughter - And SHE has met his family.

If you really really want to meet the mother, have you suggested inviting her to your house? She might be more agreeable to that.

But honestly, your daughter is going out with her son.. they have both met each other's families.. it is not necessary for the families to meet each other!

I know you'd like to see where she is living.. but if that is not possible at the moment, you have to accept that you are now the parent of a grown adult, who you should trust to be able to make her own way and decisions.

You sound like a good, loving mother. Trust that you have brought your daughter up well and that she knows what she's doing.

I think sometimes it's harder to be a parent of an adult than it is a child!

CarMe

Ah no OP i can totally understand where you're coming from!
My mam would have been the exact same with me, when i was about 18 i was always staying in a particular friends house, her family were just like my own, i attended family events, meals etc and i could never understand my mam feeling slightly put out but at the same time glad i had a little "family" unit. Now that i have my own child i can totally see why!
Of course you want to see where your daughter lives that's only natural and would be the norm in most cases.
I definitely don't think you're being over the top or overly eager, she's still quite young-only a year younger than me but i house shared a lot from 18+ and my mam would always want to drop in-a once off, to see where her daughter was living nothing weird or over protective- and one particular time i was living in a really bad place with really bad people, i didn't want to admit id gotten myself into a messy situation so put off her coming over, made excuses and was vague with the exact address, well one day i nearly died when she rang me and said oh Im on your road pop out id love to see you. Well when she saw the dreadful situation i was living in we could do nothing but laugh at the lunacy of it and i promptly moved out.
Sorry for the big life story but if were you id definitely pop around casually to drop something off etc!

looksee

OP, you don't have to meet your daughter's boyfriend's mum. There could be any number of reasons why your daughter is pulling away, but maybe the reason she did not see you last week was because she did not want to get into another discussion about when you were going to meet his family.

Of course you are concerned about your daughter, she is your only one, but you would be concerned if she was one of several. It is natural for a mother to be concerned for her children. However, if she seemed ok last time you saw her, and you don't seem to be suggesting that there is anything specific to be worried about, then I would strongly suggest you back off a bit.

Wanting to meet her boyfriend's family suggests that you anticipate that their relationship is going to be permanent, maybe they are not so sure, maybe she does not want to have to spell this out to you.

You have met the boyfriend, your daughter has met his mother, that's all that is needed for now. His mother isn't angling to come and see you or your daughter would just organise it. Leave them be, give them space.

The hard truth is, your daughter has grown up and moved on. That doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, but unless you willingly let her go, she could disappear completely. Give her a few years and she will 'come back' - she may not come home, but she will become part of your life again. Just be there for her, somewhere to come if she needs it, not somewhere where she is going to be nagged and quizzed.

In the mean time you have to find other interests and live your own life, make the most of it!

IrishEyes19

I dont think the issue is meeting her so much as feeling she has left you behind. i also dont agree with most saying its understandable. im near her age and moved out bt it wouldnt kill her to send a text. Its rather rude. you are her mother and shes being vague and not committing to your meetups. Thats not moving on, its selfish and it would hurt. Tell her this. talking is the best way forward.

Beruthiel

merlie wrote: »

I do not understand the delays in meeting with his mum or even going to the house!

My daughter is 24 and living with her b/f in his mothers home for over a year now.

Her b/f is a lovely lad and I trust my daughters judgement.
I've never met his mother. I have no interest in meeting/becoming friends with her. Why would I?

I'm actually very curious as to why you need to meet his mother so badly? I don't get it.

Have you thought about the fact that the woman has no interest in meeting you?
Were my daughters boyfriend's mother to ask to meet me I'd have no interest. I'd feel like I've been put in an awkward position.
In fact, I'd find it more than a bit odd to be asked in the first place.

looksee

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I dont think the issue is meeting her so much as feeling she has left you behind. i also dont agree with most saying its understandable. im near her age and moved out bt it wouldnt kill her to send a text. Its rather rude. you are her mother and shes being vague and not committing to your meetups. Thats not moving on, its selfish and it would hurt. Tell her this. talking is the best way forward.

Agreed its rather rude, but if all she is getting is grief about when the OP is going to be invited to meet the bf's family, then you can hardly blame her.

merlie

Thank you for al your replies. I appreciate it. I have read them all.

Just to clear up a few things. I am in no hurry to meet with my daughters boyfriends mother. My daughter has told me on a couple of occasions that his mum would like to meet with me, and I do understand about the depression etc.

I do not give my daughter grief or 'talk' with her about meeting up with his mum every time she is visiting me. We talk about lots of other things.

Yes my daughter is grown up and is now an adult and is doing her own thing, and I am so very happy for her and proud of her.

Looksee mentioned something that I had not thought of before, in that meeting with his mum would confirm that their relationship is going to be permanent relationship. Thank you for that Looksee. I do know she has mentioned them both moving out when they buy a place to live.

I have patience to wait and see how things turn out. She knows she can always come back when ever she wants too, she instinctively knows that.

I just want things to be great for her and I am and will always be here for her.

Many thanks again for all your replies.

jellygems

merlie wrote: »

Thank you for al your replies. I appreciate it. I have read them all.

Just to clear up a few things. I am in no hurry to meet with my daughters boyfriends mother. My daughter has told me on a couple of occasions that his mum would like to meet with me, and I do understand about the depression etc.

I do not give my daughter grief or 'talk' with her about meeting up with his mum every time she is visiting me. We talk about lots of other things.

Yes my daughter is grown up and is now an adult and is doing her own thing, and I am so very happy for her and proud of her.

Looksee mentioned something that I had not thought of before, in that meeting with his mum would confirm that their relationship is going to be permanent relationship. Thank you for that Looksee. I do know she has mentioned them both moving out when they buy a place to live.

I have patience to wait and see how things turn out. She knows she can always come back when ever she wants too, she instinctively knows that.

I just want things to be great for her and I am and will always be here for her.

Many thanks again for all your replies.

my daughter is 8, to me it doesnt matter if shes 8 r 20 she will always be my baby and bloody sure id want to meet the ppl she is living with, its my job to make sure shes ok at any age.....it must be really hard for u to see her move on with her life... imho i think ur just being a good mother

looksee

jellygems wrote: »

my daughter is 8, to me it doesnt matter if shes 8 r 20 she will always be my baby and bloody sure id want to meet the ppl she is living with, its my job to make sure shes ok at any age.....it must be really hard for u to see her move on with her life... imho i think ur just being a good mother

At 8 your daughter needs that kind of care, by 18 you should have been gently teaching her to be independent and sometime between about 18 and 25 you realise you have to let go of the reins. Of course it is hard to let go and see them move on, but that's your job as a mother, you have to let go.

That's not to say you don't care about them, and you will always be there for them, but that is not the same as insisting on living in their lives.

jellygems

looksee wrote: »

At 8 your daughter needs that kind of care, by 18 you should have been gently teaching her to be independent and sometime between about 18 and 25 you realise you have to let go of the reins. Of course it is hard to let go and see them move on, but that's your job as a mother, you have to let go.

That's not to say you don't care about them, and you will always be there for them, but that is not the same as insisting on living in their lives.

my daughter is already quite independent for her age, she cleans her own room, gets her own clothes ready for the next day, the list goes on.... you missed my point, there will never be a point in her life where i wont want to know whos in her life and who shes living with... also i would like to think i would always be a big part of her life, i dont believe that would stop her being indepedent... its a matter of opinion

ibarelycare

I think people are being a little bit harsh saying "Why should you meet the boyfriend's mother?" Yes, the OP's daughter is a fully-grown adult but they obviously have a very close mother-daughter relationship. I don't have children but I can understand the OP feeling a little but put out that there is a new "mother figure" in her daughter's life; she mentions that the bf's mother buys her things and does her washing. She's basically moved from living with one mother to living with another mother and I imagine it's a little bit upsetting. It would be different if the daughter had moved out and was living with just her boyfriend or with friends.

I don't think the OP should necessarily expect that she should meet the boyfriend's mother, but it's something that has been mentioned to her so it's not like she's plucking the idea from thin air. Also, I'm sure most mothers would like to visit their child's new home when they first move out.

OP, sorry I don't really have any advice on how you should go about this, but I just wanted to say that I do think it's ok for you to want to meet her and that some of the replies are a little harsh. You sound like a very good mother and you obviously care a lot for your daughter. I hope you get things sorted.

LegacyUser

In general I'd say there is no need for you to meet bf's mother but if I understand your post correctly this woman is basically taking care of your daughter, washing her clothes and buying her whatever she needs. It doesn't look like your daughter moved away from home, she just replaced one mother with another and for a 23 year old that is not a particularly healthy situation. I'm not saying that she abandoned you but it doesn't seem very independent of your daughter and not particularly fair to the bf's mother. I don't know if your daughter works or financially contributes to the household but if the answer is no, then I would insist on meeting your daughter and bf's mother to make sure that she is not an unnecessary burden on a woman that has plenty on her plate already. I'm not sure you will achieve anything and your daughter is well over the age when you have any say in what she does but it wouldn't do any damage if someone would tell her to cop on.

tbh

here's the thing. You trust your daughter. You say that the boyfriend is a nice lad. You've made it very clear that you want to meet the boyfriends mother, and yet you haven't.

So take the hint - there's obviously a reason they haven't introduced you yet. You trust her, you seem to trust him, so trust them - trust that theres a valid reason they haven't introduced you yet, trust that there's a valid reason they don't want to tell you the reason, and just drop the subject.

LegacyUser

merlie wrote: »

Hello all,

I have decided to write this as it has been bothering me for a while now.

..me and her have always always had a great and fantastic mum and daughter relationship. ...


I see my daughter for 4 hours almost every Saturday but that has disappated in the last few weeks and haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. She couldn't get down to me last Saturday for some reason. I have tried to ring her but her phone keeps ringing and I have text her and I have yet to recieve a reply since yesterday. Today her phone is off. I don't understand what is going on and what the delay is in coming down to his house and meeting his mum! ...

I just worry, I can't help it, its a mom thing!

Hi, I resisted replying initially to your post. I am a parent of two 20-30 year olds and i can understand how you might be bothered by this.

From your post, you seem to be describing a significant change in behaviour by your daughter, From having a good daughter/mother relationship to her seemingly avoiding you.
I would be concerned too about this change IF there is no obvious reason for it. I would be less concerned about meeting her boyfriends family, this will probably happen with time.

Have you considered that your daughter needs time to settle? And also that she is living in someone elses home and might not be in a position to invite you there?

Is it possible that she is avoiding answering your phone calls because she knows the conversation will be just about these issues and she has no new answers for you?

You don't mention what discussion took place when she left. She is an adult but i wonder do you feel she is not making mature decisions?

I really don't think you have anything to really worry about but I would try to re-establish the relationship when the opportunity presents itself and keep discussion of visiting or meeting boyfriends mother until she raises it.

supermouse

Hi Merlie,

May I start by saying you sound like a lovely Mammy, your daughter is a very lucky lady!

I don't think its so much of an issue of meeting the bf's mum, i think the main issue here is lack of contact between you and your daughter. Going from living together and sharing a very close relationship, to not speaking much is tough on any relationship, especially one as close as yours.

I would try talk to your daughter about it but be aware that since its a new relationship for both of them they probably have the ''love blinkers'' on. She may not even notice that you havent spoken much, she's probably too caught up with her new adventure. Try explain how much you miss her and maybe suggest them both coming over for dinner once a week or something?

I know myself, if i dont speak to my mam most days i do miss her like crazy(and i live at the opposite side of the world!)

I think the meeting the mother part stems from you wanting to protect her and make sure she's safe and happy but i dont think you should push meeting her. If its gonna happen it will, give it time and trust your daughters decision.

Good luck