Should I call it quits with this friend?

LegacyUser

Hey lads, need some advice. There's a group of 4 of us who all met through work few years ago and we all get on really great, became really good friends, have been away on holidays together, all that kind of thing.

However, one guy in the group wouldn't be the most reliable with turning up for things. 5 times in the past year we were all meeting up for various things, 3 of us were there but no sign of yer man. We'd ring and text, with no reply, then eventually have to head off to do whatever we were doing. Then a day or two later, we'd get a text "Sorry lads, fell asleep, see you soon". That was always the excuse. This really bugged us, because we'd be sometimes talking about our plans that day and he'd be all on for it, then this would happen.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, we had arranged to go to the cinema at 4.30pm. Again, we'd confirmed the time, the cinema and he was all on for it, it'll be a great laugh, can't wait. The 3 of us were there at 4.20pm, no sign of him. We decided not to ring or text, waited until 4.40pm then headed inside, I left my phone on in case he sent a message - nada. Its now two weeks later, and there's been no contact at all. We know he's ok because he's up on Facebook and people we know work with him (he now works in a different office to us).

So, is this the end of the friendship? Reading back on what I've written, it does sound like he's not interested in the friendship with us anymore, but is there any point in making contact to try and sort stuff out?

Toast4532

I wouldn't bother with him anymore.

He hasn't got the courtesy or decency to contact any of you to let you know he can't/won't come along, and has done this numerous times before, sounds to me like he isn't interested in being friends with your group any longer so it just letting your friendship fizzle out.

The next time you are planning on doing something together as a group, don't invite him, let him organise something with you guys.

I'd almost be tempted to let him organise something, and then none of you turn up and show him how it feels to have organised something and not have your friends turn up and not bother to contact you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I think you should give your friend one more chance. I was in a similar position a little while but I was the flaky friend. I had started in a new office with longer hours and weekend work and found it difficult to adjust. I would make plans with friends but cancel at the last minute or not show up because I was so exhausted. Between trying to make time for my boyfriend, my family, my friends and my hobbies I started to let things slide and just cancelled things because it was easier. Eventually I realised my friends were getting fed up with me and I was very upset but tried my best to explain my situation. One of the girls decided I wasn't worth the hassle My other friends gave me one more chance and I am grateful they did. I started keeping to plans we had made and if I knew I wouldn't be able to make something I gave plenty of notice.

So I think give them one more chance, send them an email or text and go from there. If they are a good friend they might just deserve it.

looksee

But this has been going on for months, not a one-off. And even if they do make arrangements without him there is nothing stopping him from making contact and saying 'hi, anything happening?'. I would leave him off, he is just being careless and inconsiderate at the moment.

Katgurl

Hi OP, i'm very reliable generally about keeping plans / timekeeping etc and I used to always find myself very annoyed & frustrated when i'd develop a friendship with someone who wasn't. How I've learnt to deal with this is just accepting that some friends are flaky and not relying on any plans with them ie. if something else came up or I felt like going to gym instead I'd just cancel last minute. In short, I'd suit myself & that way i wouldnt feel angry / taken for granted / at a loose end.

I'm not clear on whether you're asking if you should be bothered with this friend or if we think the bloke still wants to be friends. I don't see any suggestion that he doesn't consider you friends, some people are just self-involved, nothing more to it than that. Its really up to you if you want to continue on being friends with someone with those character traits.

With regard to this specific situation would you not call / text / mail and say "well nice to see via facebook you're still alive, what happened to you last thursday, we waited for you to arrive and didn't hear anything"

Mighty_Mouse

This is very non-bloke behaviour.
The guy is clearly a flake or maybe he just hates committing to anything.
Or maybe he's a lazy fecker who just can't be assed. Who knows?

Let him drop in & catch up whenever.
Could you not just let him know the details. If he turns up, grand.
Does there have to be a "final straw"?

Yazamalainia

Hi OP

I rarely post anything on boards, just lurk most of the time but something about your post struck a chord.

Is there any chance that your friend may have developed a social phobia? I'll admit that it's likely the friend may have just moved on or isn't arsed anymore in which case you should save yourself! But if I can just mention my own experience it might be another way of looking at it.

A few years ago I very suddenly developed extreme social anxiety due to some events in my personal life. I was in contact with friends quite often and would often arrange specific night outs, meetings, trips myself and 9 out of 10 times would bottle it at the last minute. The thought of attending an organised event was fine right up until I had to go at which point i'd get panic attacks, feel like I was going to get sick and would be on the floor crying. Sometimes I would get ready, get the bus and walk up to the bar/restaurant/friends house and then have to turn around and go right home. I'd either make an excuse about being sick or having no money or do what your friend did and ignore any calls and texts and wait until it all blew over.

Before this I was ALWAYS the one bringing the group together and a really extroverted person etc. but became the flake as a result of the condition. Although my friends didn't confront me about why this was going on for the best part of two years they did brush over it and just accept me back as their friend when I was feeling better after counselling for which I was really helpful.

Like I said I don't know if this is the case with your friend, but I just thought if my post made you perhaps think twice about why he's not going to these social occasions even though he's seemingly excited about them, it would be worth it just to mention to you. If there are some underlying issues that are causing him to feel like he can't socialise comfortably, losing his friends and possibly only support system could be the worst thing that could happen.

Best of luck.

tbh

One of my best friends in the world is exactly like this. How are we still best friends? Simple. I take into account what he's like when I'm making plans, and I understand that there's no malice in him, it's just the way he is.

So, when a group of us make plans to do something, and he says he wants to come, we just assume he won't be there. Maybe 25% of the time he'll show up, but for the other 75% of the time, we don't wait for him, we don't give him anything to do or bring that'll mean the event is spoiled if he doesn't show up, and we don't waste time ringing him to see if he's coming.

He's a great bloke, with a good heart, he's just a head-wrecker when it comes to these things, so we remember that and we work around it.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I would say leave him alone for now, but don't hold a grudge if he contacts you himself eventually. People have stuff going on in their lives, he might actually be busy. Then again, if he doesn't get in touch, you have to accept that maybe you've just grown apart.

You could send him an email in a while (let a few months pass) just saying something like "We haven't heard from you in ages...how are you?" and see what kind of response you get.