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my ex killed himself today

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  • 06-08-2012 12:27am
    #1
    clarbar
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭


    my ex of 3 weeks commited suicide, he was 20 ,Im 21 we were going with each other for the last 3 years nearly. we broke up 3 weeks ago because he told me he cheated,I found out at 2pm today he had killed himself.I don't know what to do Im in so much pain and his family hates me. I feel so bad and I miss him so much


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    #2
    KKkitty
    Registered Users Posts: 7,534 ✭✭✭KKkitty


    clarbar wrote: »
    my ex of 3 weeks commited suicide, he was 20 ,Im 21 we were going with each other for the last 3 years nearly. we broke up 3 weeks ago because he told me he cheated,I found out at 2pm today he had killed himself.I don't know what to do Im in so much pain and his family hates me. I feel so bad and I miss him so much
    Don't feel bad please. I know that seems impossible now. You will get through this I promise and don't think of the bad times. Remember all the good times. I hope you'll be ok.


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    #3
    YraggarY
    Registered Users Posts: 125 ✭✭YraggarY


    I'm so, so sorry clarbar. I've experienced a number of suicides myself, both family and otherwise, and I know that it's heartbreaking.
    What you need to understand here though is that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Not one little bit. Your ex had suicidal thoughts, thoughts which were quite possibly developing for some time. The fact that he did what he did is not a consequence of your ending the relationship, it is a consequence of his own thought-processes, and how he handled situations. You broke up with him because he told you that he cheated on you. Nobody would expect you to have acted any differently. You did the right thing in that regard, and don't ever doubt yourself on that.

    There could very well have been a large number of things at play here from his past, all unrelated to the relationship you had.
    His family have had their son torn from them, and this, I know from a similar experience in my own family, renders logical thinking absolutely useless. The first thing the family will ask themselves is "why?", and the second thing they'll do is point the finger and look for someone or something to blame.
    They seem to have pointed that finger at you, and as hard as it may be to realise it, they're not doing it out of spite or malice. They're doing it out of confusion and the fact that they are currently unable to accept what has just happened, and can't fathom the reasons behind it.

    But you, too, have lost someone that was a large part of your life for a long time. This is not your fault clarbar, not in the slightest. You need to grieve for this person, and you need to be able to do that without feeling as though this is in some way your fault. It's not. I can't stress that enough.
    The weeks and possibly months ahead will be hard, I'm not going to lie and say they won't. But they're manageable. There will be good days and bad days. Days of confusion and anger. Days of feeling nothing at all. Whatever happens though, don't let what his family are currently feeling impact on you. In time, they'll come to realise that their son did what he did for a multitude of reasons, and perhaps take solace in the fact that his mind is now at rest.

    I'm not sure if anything that I've said is going to help at all; I hope it does, and I hope you can take some of it on board, but the most important thing right now is to realise that there's nothing you could have done differently. You made the right decisions, and this person's actions were his own.

    Allow yourself to mourn his passing.. Don't hold it in, let it all out. Scream, shout, cry, lash out if you need to, whatever helps get the anger and frustration out. But try not to dwell on it... I wish you the very best, and hope that this person's family will be able to see things more clearly with time.

    Take care clarbar.

    - YraggarY


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    #4
    Da Shins Kelly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,048 ✭✭✭Da Shins Kelly


    I know you may feel guilt, but you really shouldn't. People don't kill themselves because of one singular reason. There must have been a variety of problems at play for him to make such a final decision. His family may pin the blame on you because everyone looks for someone to blame in these situations out of grief, but it does lie with him in the end. It's a terrible tragedy, but we can't be held responsible for other people's decisions. We usually never know why people choose to commit suicide, but we can't live and beat ourselves up and blame ourselves.


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    #5
    Ellsbells
    Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    OH you poor pet. This had nothing to do with you!!! Why do you think the family blame you? I find it hard to believe they would if they knew the truth.

    Are you with your own family / friends? You really need people close to you now. X


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    #6
    Ellsbells
    Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    Op are you getting support? Have been thinking about you.


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    #7
    clarbar
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭clarbar


    thanks I went to his layout today he looked so peaceful,young beautiful. I just feel raw with emotion,my eyes are swollen. I shook every member of his families hand one or two refused to shake my hand. they blame me as when we broke up I went on the rebound and maybe it got back to him. I really won't ever get over this I really dunno what to do . I have family and friends but the pain hurts so bad I just want to be numb, I just want this to pass quickly I feel so bad


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    #8
    Ellsbells
    Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    clarbar wrote: »
    one or two refused to shake my hand.

    You cant worry about them now... just mind yourself. You did nothing wrong x


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    #9
    Ambersky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,220 ✭✭✭Ambersky


    I found the services in Console and organisation formed to help people bereaved by suicide or in suicidal crisis really supportive.
    They are there to talk to you 24hours a day and they really mean it, you can phone them in the middle of the night if you want to and they are glad to talk to you.
    1800 201 890
    As well as a freephone service console offer reduced cost private counseling and again from personal experience I would recommend them. At least the counselor I got was excellent and a really important part in helping me understand express and work through my feelings.
    Grief from suicide can be different from other forms of grief. Sometimes it is what I call the nice tidy kind that is sad but lovely and everyone can relate to it and give you little thanks for sharing. Other times the grief is dark and angry or frightened or all over the place or self blaming. People say its ok to express all these feelings but I felt it wasn't really, it can be difficult for other people to hear or understand. If you too find you are feeling a range of emotions at least you know there are people there who have heard all this before and who will really understand.
    I myself was very angry and went around the place trying to fix things and as I couldn't help or fix my niece I wanted desperately to understand to put things back in order to ......... I dont know. Its not over yet it will never be over but I am feeling a lot better and some balance is restored.
    There are people out there from the sounds of things who want you to be racked with guilt, I think unless you are a very strong person you are going to need at least one actual person to talk to who will counter all that pressure and help you see things in a different light.
    There is no way out but through this and I hope you find some peace, understanding and or the strength to let go. x


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    #10
    sashafierce
    Registered Users Posts: 3,599 ✭✭✭sashafierce


    This post has been deleted.


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    #11
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    clarbar wrote: »
    thanks I went to his layout today he looked so peaceful,young beautiful. I just feel raw with emotion,my eyes are swollen. I shook every member of his families hand one or two refused to shake my hand. they blame me as when we broke up I went on the rebound and maybe it got back to him. I really won't ever get over this I really dunno what to do . I have family and friends but the pain hurts so bad I just want to be numb, I just want this to pass quickly I feel so bad


    Clarbar I am so sorry,But as many people have said this is not your fault, not one tiny bit.Unfortunately when some takes there own life they leave many questions and never any answers and some people tend to blame others,Get help for yourself as Ambersky has said as soon as possible as your still young and still have your life to live.x


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    #12
    Eve_Dublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    Clarbar, I felt compelled to write something. I just want to reiterate what everyone has said here - get all thoughts of this being anything to do with you out of your head. He was in a very dark place to do what he did and his problems went much deeper than any of you knew. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please please please try and arrange to go to a counsellor. You need to talk through this. Good luck Clarbar and please look after yourself. x


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