Husband wrecking my head over weight - Help!

LegacyUser

My husband is doing my head in and it's really affecting our relationship. Basically we are together 10 years but only married a year now and when I met him I was slimmer, not thin but about 4 stone slimmer than I am now. I'm not a whale or anything I'm a size 16 and people tell me I'm pretty but I know if I lost weight I could look (and feel) even better. However I've struggled with my weight all my life and if anything bad happens to me in life, I tend to use food as a coping mechanism and I overeat and put on weight. I know this is wrong and not ideal and I can't say I'm happy with my weight but my husband is driving me insane over it to the point where I have no headspace to even figure out how I feel about it. A few months ago I had a miscarriage and obviously I was devastated, we were so happy and everything was great in our relationship and this baby was much wanted by both of us but it wasn't to be and I miscarried quite early but it still devastated me. My husband was sad and I suppose he was disappointed but his attitude was, oh well we can try again, it didn't really affect him the same way. But I was different, I started comfort eating cos he had to go away for a week and wasn't there for me so in the time it took me to come to terms with the whole thing, I had gained a stone on top of the 3 already there. I feel awful in myself for it, I really want to lose the weight and try again for another baby but here's where the problem is.

My husband was nagging me the whole time I was going through this, about my weight. He keeps saying, oh it's not just because you had the miscarriage this is going on years and then pointing out all the things wrong I've done in the past where my diets have failed etc. just making me feel ****tier about myself than I already do. All he does is critisize and belittle and I can't take it anymore. I know he gets frustrated with me and tries to help in his own way but he had never had a weight problem so he doesn't understand. I was haemhorraging blood and really sick with anemia recently and he decided then would be a good time to bring it up and hassle me over it, then I had a D&C and was trying to recover from that and he was critisizing the fact that I hadn't been out for a walk in ages. I went and joined a slimming club and no sooner was I in the door he decided to tackle me over my weight and critisize me some more. I told him I was doing something about it by joining the club but he wasn't interested and didn't even want to know again he brought up all the times I'd gone wrong in the past. I have to say that I have been successful in losing weight before but he never brings that up. He also thinks I should lose weight for him because he wants to be able to look at me and go, oh yeah that's my wife she's gorgeous. Like that's great and all but I need to do this for myself first of all but he doesn't get that, he's so busy nagging me that I can't figure out a plan for myself. He has all these ideas for me and if I don't conform to them he sulks like a child. Like for example, I went out with a friend to Captain America's the other night and he got in a sulk, now I just had a baked potato and a bit of salmon with a salad but I wasn't explaining that to him, he just heard Captain Americas and assumed I got a burger & chips etc. I'm so annoyed with him. We had a screaming row today and he wants us to go and talk to someone so I can see the error of my ways.

I'm so angry at him. I'm still getting over the loss of our baby and for a while we were really happy and he was a great support but now he's just ruining everything with this and making me feel so bad about myself. I feel like just shutting down from him and preparing myself to leave him cos I can't live like this. What if I was to get pregnant and put on some baby weight, he'd be hounding me to lose it and pressuring me at a time when I should be happy. I don't know what to do, please help.

Jenneke87

Op,

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That is no small thing to be dealing with on your own whilst also dealing with a partner who is so mean and belittling. If you can, please find somebody that can help you(both)

I have to ask you this: Why do you want a baby with a man that's an outright bully? This man is to be a rolemodel for your children? Please dont do that to them, they deserve better and honestly so do you. You should go and see somebody so that he can be shown the error of his ways and so that you can get the support you badly need from the sound of this.

Secondly: well done for joing a club and trying to lose weight. Tell your partner that all of his nagging, bullying and hurtful comments made you considering leaving and that this is no way a loving and supporting partner should behave and that it would be a wise him for him to focus on his own issues instead of yours and the two of you might get somewhere that way.

Best of luck!

Toast4532

Quite honestly your husband should be ashamed of his behaviour.

If my partner was treating me lik your husband is treating you I would have walked long ago. Absolutely no way I would ever put up with such nasty and disgusting behaviour.

You could go to a marriage counsellor and try to resolve your issues, but honestly, don't get your hopes up. Give it a try and see how it goes. Counselling can work wonders for some people, but for others, it doesn't work at all. All you can do is give it a try and see how it works for you.

jessiejam

Tell your husband to fúkoff and give you space. Take a week for yourself to get over your devastating loss and that you will speak when you return. Head to a friends if you can or a relative, someone who shows more sympathy than him. Ye should be comforting each other. Its not fair the way he is treating you. We all have flaws, I'm sure he has many, but to be throwing it in your face when you are vunerable is just wrong.

thefeatheredcat

Has the weight ever been an issue to him that you have discussed in the last decade you have been together?

I don't think this is about your weight as such. I'd nearly guess that he's using the weight as an issue in your relationship as an excuse rather than actually dealing about what he feels in relation to the miscarriage; maybe he feels guilty about not being there for you immediately after to help you through it and this is his way of venting his own unhappiness with himself? TBH I would feel that as a couple dealing with a miscarriage on every level as a couple together would come first and foremost rather than any sort of trip away for a week.

I think the two of you really need to sit down and talk about things; not about a weight issue but the real issue and I think if you sit and talk about everything you'll find out exactly what the issue is. But I don't believe the issue here is your weight and I would suspect that "tackling" you over it when you're still vulnerable is his way to trying to comfort himself over what happened and deflect the real issues; I definitely don't think anyone's weight is the elephant in the room anyway, just the cover for what is not being dealt with.

Anonanon12 wrote: »

But I was different, I started comfort eating cos he had to go away for a week and wasn't there for me so in the time it took me to come to terms with the whole thing, I had gained a stone on top of the 3 already there. I feel awful in myself for it, I really want to lose the weight and try again for another baby but here's where the problem is..

Does he know this? Does he know that while he wasn't there for you in dealing with the miscarriage you ended up comforting yourself by comfort eating? Does he know this is how you feel about yourself and what you experienced?

iguana

Has he always been like this or has it become notably worse since the miscarriage? If the latter, is there a possibility that his behaviour is a reaction to the loss of the baby? Perhaps he is terrified at the thought of another loss and as a result is trying to eliminate anything that he fears is a risk to a subsequent pregnancy, like your extra weight? I know his actions are cruel but perhaps he really doesn't intend them to be and is trying to do what he thinks is the right thing in an utterly horrendous way.

Imo, the best thing to do is sit down with him and tell him just how awful he is making you feel and ask him why he has chosen now to begin this behaviour. He may not have gone through the physical trauma but he will be feeling the emotional loss too. Miscarriage can be very hard on men as there is an expectation that they put their own feelings to one side and take care of their partner. But if they don't have an outlet for their own feelings it can lead to an attempt to control the situation in a way that just isn't possible or healthy. Ask him about his feelings about the miscarriage and how he is coping with his grief. If necessary you should both consider going to talk to someone together about your grief, why his issues with your weight are surfacing now and the anger and hurt this is causing you.

hollands

Sorry to read this o.p. I re-read your post before commenting. As usual on here, there are the kneejerk responses that predictably advise you to "kick him to the kerb" or some such advise.
I see in your post that you say you had put on 3 stone before your awful miscarriage. And then put on another stone since. As someone who is currently trying to shed 3 stone that has crept up on me, and I am a man, I understand the pressures involved.
I am not qualified to advise you regarding your miscarriage and the implications for your relationship, that needs professional help. Being honest, I do know, that when I look in the mirror and see my image, I know I need to lose that weight for self confidence and self esteem and that it is down to me to do so.
I hope you find the necessary support for your miscarriage woes and that you can talk to your husband in an enlightening atmosphere about the impact it has had on you.

Mighty_Mouse

It seems there are 2 seperate issues.
The weight & the miscarriage.

You put on 3 stone on before the pregnancy.
You say that you comfort eat. What was making you so unhappy you put all this weight on?

The miscarriage - it seems there is a breakdown in understanding between the two of you.
Have you asked him for emotional support?

Could adressing the lifestyle/weight issue be part as an overall plan to take better care of yourself after the miscarriage?
He has suggested getting outside help. Would you not consider it?

tinkerbell

OP, the main issue here is that you have gained 4 stone since you met your partner, and your husband sees that as a major problem. It doesn't matter what other people say about you, that you "are pretty" or whatever, it's your husband who is the one that needs to feel attracted to you, not others. Yes he is going about it the wrong way now in what he says to you but you also are not really doing anything about it - you say you comfort eat, I mean you gained a stone in a few months, that is a lot of comfort eating. I know you had a miscarriage and that is a terrible thing to happen to anyone but perhaps you need to get some counselling or something if it's making you comfort eat to the point of gaining a stone and you don't care what your husband thinks of your appearance anymore. You should be comforting each OTHER, not comfort eating which is only gonna make you gain more weight and you said yourself you would be happier if you lost the weight, so it's just compounding the problem.

Has your husband always gone on to you about your weight? If he hasn't and it's only recent, well it's probably because he feels nothing else can get through to you that you need to lose the weight and so he's gone on the tactic of criticising you. Or it could be related to the miscarriage. Either way, you need to talk to him and sort it out.

theg81der

Sorry about your miscarriage OP I had one too and its hard, theres nothing I can say to make it easier.

Your issues with weight thou are something I am and have always experienced too, also have a similar husband. You will always come up with some excuse or some way of justifying your eating. You need to look at your relationship with food differently and get some control over it.

Your hubbys being an idiot thou his approach is childish and counter productive. I suggest you sit down and explain that to him and ask for a reasonable time period where he leave you alone about your weight, what does he think is a fair time to give you to start seeing some changes?

During this time focus on making your body healthy and strong to meet the demands of becoming pregnant and carrying a pregnancy. Weight loss will be a natural bi-product of this. Start looking after yourself more and as you start to look better and have more energy. See yourself returning to a happy time in your marriage and make that a priority because that seems to make you truely happy more than food.

Failing that go to counselling.

Piliger

Hi OP. I agree with some posters above. These are two very different issues and I suspect there is a lot more going on underneath the surface that needs to be talked about between the two of you.
Your weight issue, for me, is an issue between you and food. Eat less and you will lose weight. It's that simple. Why you are not eating less is something only you can figure out. I am sure your husband is only trying to encourage you. He may be going about it in a silly or idiotic way. But that is something that needs to be thrashed out between you - and it will ONLY happen when and if you both site down and start dredging up the crap things in a marriage that sometimes accumulate and non one is willing to talk about. Having been married for 25 years I know about this stuff and I know that it's not about blame and who's fault it is. But someone has to take the initiative and the dialogue.

Zen65

Anonanon12 wrote: »

My husband is doing my head in and it's really affecting our relationship. Basically we are together 10 years but only married a year now and when I met him I was slimmer, not thin but about 4 stone slimmer than I am now. I'm not a whale or anything I'm a size 16 and people tell me I'm pretty but I know if I lost weight I could look (and feel) even better.

Hi Op, I'm sorry for your loss and for your current unhappiness. From reading your post I think (as Tinkerbell) that you are incorrectly linking two separate issues.

You describe your husband as acting like an uncaring person, but I wonder if he's simply reaching the end of his tether. You've gained 4 stone in a short period of time (it sounds like you've gained it all post-marriage?) and he's gone from being concerned to being obsessed about it. It also sounds as though you're happy to find reasons not to take the right actions to correct it. It's more than a matter of health (though that's got to be your #1 concern now) . . . . it's also very reasonably a matter of showing some respect; respect for him, and most importantly respect for yourself.

Your husband could be more tactful, and you could be more proactive about the issue.

Oh and as for "people tell me I'm pretty" . . . I don't mean to be critical but what do you expect people to say? You may have a pretty face but your body has changed rapidly in a short period of time and that's the issue you need to deal with.

Anonanon12 wrote: »

I know this is wrong and not ideal and I can't say I'm happy with my weight but my husband is driving me insane over it to the point where I have no headspace to even figure out how I feel about it.

Op, again I don't wish to sound harsh, but this is simply a red herring. You do know how you feel about it; you told us in your post. How heavy do you think you need to get before you've figured out "how you feel"??? Your husband may be incredibly tactless, but he has every right to be concerned and to express his concern. You have not committed to doing anything about your weight (or at least if you have, you have not told us what that is). Joining a group is a first step, but it accomplishes nothing by itself. Have you set yourself targets for losing weight? Are you tracking your weight on a weekly basis? Have you changed your lifestyle to tackle this issue? These are things you need to do if you are serious about moving to a more appropriate weight.

Look at RTE's "Operation Transformation" for guidance. You need an exercise regime as well as a diet plan. Your post portrays your husband as a cretin (and maybe he is), but it portrays you as being a person who makes excuses for not tackling your weight which is central to your current unhappiness. I'd urge you to change that now. Size 16 is not particularly large (though we don't know your height), but you are probably "overweight" and heading fast to being even unhealthier.

What if I was to get pregnant and put on some baby weight, he'd be hounding me to lose it and pressuring me at a time when I should be happy.

This is the kind of statement which wreaks of I won't do anything about it now because even if I do he'll be unhappy about something else. Op, again, I don't want to sound harsh, but you gained 3 stone in early pregnancy when you should not have. That is the issue for your husband and for you. I would strongly suggest that you look at tackling your weight issue now, and deal with any weight gain in pregnancy when that happens.

Be at peace,

Z

Sappa

Op your married to this man and honestly from a guys perspective he is treating you awfully over your weight issue.
We all put on weight now and again and sorry to hear about your miscarriage which would lead any person to seek comfort in something be it drink,drugs or food.
A size 16 is not huge and he is going about helping you address any weight issues completely wrong.
You need to sit him down and speak with him like you wrote on here, never mind seeing his point on this he is solely in the wrong on your weight and nagging you will never get the desired result he wants.
He seems rather shallow and is probably comparing you to girls he sees around or on tv,watch out for infidelity on his part as he might be hiding someone or has desires to cheat if he is acting this way.

Magicmatilda

Hi,

Firstly I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage. That is heartbreaking and a huge loss.


I completely agree with Zen65 above. it's often difficult to face those things which don't like about ourselves. You have put on 4 stone in weight. That could easily be 30% of your body weight or more if you were 10 stone on your wedding day. That is a lot. I imagine you don't feel good about that, you say yourself you don't. So take responsibility and starting eating healthily and exercising.

Your husband sounds like he is going the wrong way about things. But ask yourself this, would you still be attracted to him if he put on the same percentage of weight?

He has suggested that you attend counselling, this is a good idea and one you should pursue. He is not completely in the right but neither are you. If you want your marraige to survive then go to counselling with him.

MistyCheese

The OP has put 4 stone on since she met her partner ten years ago, not in a year. She has put on one stone in the year.

Mighty_Mouse

We all put on weight now and again

The OP has put 4 stone on since she met her partner ten years ago, not in a year. She has put on one stone in the year.

The miscarriage is a traumatic event. I think the OP is saying she doesn't have the emotional capability to deal with marriage or weight issues.
She needed enough time to get it all out.
She's is locked in a helpless state.

OP, you may need some "time out".
Could you go visit a relative for a couple of weeks.
Could yourself and the husband take a quite holiday away somewhere.

You are at a cross roads.
This is an opportunity for you to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, address your relationship with your husband, address your lifestyle issues.
Take ownership of your life again. You are not helpless.
To start will be hell. But it will get easier.

The weight issue requires honest self-appraisal.
You can hide behind excuses but the truth is there to see with scales & a body fat measure.

Gaining 4stone has probably meant you have changed your whole life's outlook to the point where you might even have changed as a person.
It affects your mood, your confidence, your motivation, your ability to deal with lifes problems ...

Losing weight will give the sense of achievement and empowerment you might currently be missing.

www.myfitnesspal.com

When you are ready.
Sign up & monitor your lifestyle for a few weeks.
Make some goals and commit for 1 month.

LegacyUser

Just to clarify, I haven’t put on 4 stone in a year since marriage. I’ve slowly gained 3 stone over the course of our 10 year relationship, managed to lose a stone of that when I was getting married (although I’ve always yoyo’ed that stone up and down over the years if I’m honest), but then that crept back on cos I didn’t maintain the regime I imposed for the weightloss (bootcamp, running, dieting etc.) then I got pregnant and was eating really healthy, I wanted to nurture my body so I had actually started to lose a few pounds without even trying. Then, the miscarriage happened at 2 months and I hadn’t got a lot of support or understanding around that time (with my husband being away when it happened), so I turned to food (for some people it’s drink/drugs, for me it’s food) and it was comforting me to treat myself by going out for meals, having what I wanted and before I knew it there was another stone on top of that.

So in the short space of time since the miscarriage I gained 1 stone very quickly. However that stone has really pushed me into overweight territory, I was overweight before but it’s more noticeable now and it’s only really hit me now. And since I am slowly coming to terms with what happened with losing the baby (that’s what it was to me, no matter how early the loss) I am ready to focus on myself again and make LONG TERM changes, that’s what I had begun to do. I have to, not for how I’ll look or how my husband will see me, for the health of any future pregnancy I will have, that’s so important to me and gives me a different perspective and motivation but I have to look at this as a long haul job.

I was just getting my head around this and trying to leave the whole miscarriage thing behind when my husband was attacking me with this and not noticing (despite me pointing it out to him) that I was making changes. I’m not making excuses but I am still a little fragile and that just pushed me over the edge. There was no need for him to do that. But he’s not a bad person and I do love him, and him me, so we talked and it all came out and he has agreed to back off a bit and help me in the way I need and give me support and encouragement to lose a couple of stone and hopefully when I get pregnant again I can be healthy and not gain any weight and tackle what’s left post pregnancy when I’m ready. I understand now, he was disillusioned by “yet another diet” and instead of seeing it as a positive thing, that I was tackling my weight, he was convinced this would fail and I wouldn’t see it though, I can see that now and he can see where I’m coming from and accepts his timing was a bit lousy so communication was the key here. Thanks it was good to get some other perspective also.

Piliger

Well done OP. Talking is something we do so badly sometimes ... well, a LOT of the time :rolleyes:

Cupcake_Crisis

OP, your husband could think he's being helpful in his own way, it sounds to me like you really need to sit down and openly and honestly communicate with him how belittled he's making you feel. Constant nagging about something that is ultimately a very personal issue is very, very wearing and after 10 tears he should be able to read you well enough to know that his jibes are affecting you.

Tbh, 4 stone over a 10 year period, and after such a traumatic loss, is not huge, and I have no doubt that if you were given the opportunity and head space to really set to your mind to it you will succeed with no difficulty. But for someone who is admittedly a comfort eater you are in a very toxic environment.

The Big Red Button

I'm glad you managed to talk and come to an understanding of where you're both coming from.

I think that weight is such a sensitive topic for so many women, that it's very easy to take any comments in a tone different to how they were intended! I fell out with an ex before because I was bored one morning and he suggested I go for a run ... I interpreted it as "Get up off your ass, fatty", whereas really he was just suggesting I might enjoy a run, no ulterior motive! Of course, if I wasn't very aware of the extra weight I was (and still am) carrying, it would never have occurred to me to interpret his comment in that way.

The reason I mention that as an example is that you say he was "criticising" you for not having gone for a walk for ages, after the miscarriage - he might have thought the fresh air and space might help you, nothing to do with the exercise.

Similarly if he seemed annoyed about you going to Captain Americas - maybe it was nothing to do with the food you'd be eating, there could be several other reasons he might have been put out by it, but of course if the two of you have been arguing about your weight, it's natural to immediately interpret it that way.

As for his reaction to you joining the slimming club - maybe, in his opinion, he doesn't see that as the ideal way to lose weight, and he mightn't have seemed too enthusiastic about it as he's afraid of seeing you fail again (and obviously this would be out of concern for you, and how it would affect your self-esteem etc, I'd imagine.) I mean, you mentioned that he never brings up all the times you succeeded in losing weight in the past - but maybe the way he sees it is that it wasn't really a success, when the changes you made weren't sustainable enough to keep the weight off? So he doesn't think it'll benefit you a whole lot to focus on those diets that worked in the past?

It sounds like you're both understanding each other a lot better now. I think that, if your weight was bothering him, he was right to let you know - but he could certainly have done so in a much more sensitive way! You know how he feels now, but like you said, you're not losing the weight for him, you're doing it for your own reasons (which is the way it should be!) It'll make it a lot easier to motivate yourself to lose it for positive reasons, rather than feeling like you're only doing it to make someone else happy.

Best of luck with it!

LegacyUser

I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage but I'm glad you are in the frame of mind to think positive about your weight loss and future pregnancies, that to me is a very good sign you are healing. Plus I'd like to add, excercise can be a great mood booster so if you are down might find it picks you up. Also, I wouldn't underestimate the benefits of losing weight and liking your body - feeling good about how you look is a great way motivator to continue to get healthy