taken for granted in church

emuhead

Hi

I've always been very active on committees and doing the work of my church, even though it's a struggle to fit it in with my job etc. Over the past couple of months, I've had a difficult time (work, bereavement,family emigrating), but feel no support from the members of my church. It's getting to the point where I don't want to attend anymore. At tea and coffee today, all the conversations I had were about projects and things I was doing for the church on committees. I would have appreciated so much if someone had just asked me how I was.

Some of the members know a bit about the personal difficulties I've had but nobody seems to want to help. It's like, 'oh well, sorry to hear that - so what about X committee'. It's not like I expect anyone to fix everything, but even to have the opportunity to pray with someone about it would be great. I have friends and family but my church is an important part of my life and I don't feel any pastoral support at all. I am starting to feel resentful. I don't know if this is the right place for me. I need some help to find God at the moment but I feel so alone.

skooterblue2

emuhead wrote: »

Hi

I've always been very active on committees and doing the work of my church, even though it's a struggle to fit it in with my job etc. Over the past couple of months, I've had a difficult time (work, bereavement,family emigrating), but feel no support from the members of my church. It's getting to the point where I don't want to attend anymore. At tea and coffee today, all the conversations I had were about projects and things I was doing for the church on committees. I would have appreciated so much if someone had just asked me how I was.

Some of the members know a bit about the personal difficulties I've had but nobody seems to want to help. It's like, 'oh well, sorry to hear that - so what about X committee'. It's not like I expect anyone to fix everything, but even to have the opportunity to pray with someone about it would be great. I have friends and family but my church is an important part of my life and I don't feel any pastoral support at all. I am starting to feel resentful. I don't know if this is the right place for me. I need some help to find God at the moment but I feel so alone.

This is one of the problems that Pastoral support is spread thin on the ground. Often when we are depleted of energy we can become frayed at the edges. People dont notice your problems because they see you as such as strong pillar of the community. People often forget you are human too. Maybe you are taking on too much. I still feel you should talk to someone about this.

emuhead

skooterblue2 wrote: »

This is one of the problems that Pastoral support is spread thin on the ground. Often when we are depleted of energy we can become frayed at the edges. People dont notice your problems because they see you as such as strong pillar of the community. People often forget you are human too. Maybe you are taking on too much. I still feel you should talk to someone about this.

Thanks skooterblue

I think I am getting a bit frazzled about the situation.

I'll think about talking to someone, or leaving it go for a while.

Onesimus

emuhead wrote: »

Hi

I've always been very active on committees and doing the work of my church, even though it's a struggle to fit it in with my job etc. Over the past couple of months, I've had a difficult time (work, bereavement,family emigrating), but feel no support from the members of my church. It's getting to the point where I don't want to attend anymore. At tea and coffee today, all the conversations I had were about projects and things I was doing for the church on committees. I would have appreciated so much if someone had just asked me how I was.

Some of the members know a bit about the personal difficulties I've had but nobody seems to want to help. It's like, 'oh well, sorry to hear that - so what about X committee'. It's not like I expect anyone to fix everything, but even to have the opportunity to pray with someone about it would be great. I have friends and family but my church is an important part of my life and I don't feel any pastoral support at all. I am starting to feel resentful. I don't know if this is the right place for me. I need some help to find God at the moment but I feel so alone.

I invite you to perhaps rethink all of this and understand that, it is important to love and console people, and not be loved or consoled by them. This sounds odd, but its true. There is nothing wrong with seeking counselling or having someone love us, it is only when we make expectations of them to do so that we run into trouble, pretty soon when our demands for people to love us are not being met, we eventually turn resentful and all sorts of bitter thoughts arise within us that are obviously not from God. So in the midst of all this torture we put ourselves through by expecting people to console and love us, we forget the important thing which is to love people and not be bothered at all whether they do not love or console us. Consider the Passion of Jesus, and the ignorance of many around him, especially the man who reluctently carried his Cross and those who mocked and jeered at him and offered no help. Instead of showing resentment, Jesus showed only but love for those who both loved him and mocked him and he asked his Father to forgive them.

So if we as Christians are going to get by in the world, it will not be through expecting anything from the world, but by only aquiring the Holy Spirit and giving that Love to the world, this is how we transform the world and that is to change the world by changing me.

I hope this helps and I would advise you to go with this problem to your confessor or spiritual director and see what he or she ( in the case of a nun who offers spiritual direction ) has to say.

God bless
Onesimus

Squ

Don't let it go for a while.

emuhead

Onesimus wrote: »

I invite you to perhaps rethink all of this and understand that, it is important to love and console people, and not be loved or consoled by them. This sounds odd, but its true. There is nothing wrong with seeking counselling or having someone love us, it is only when we make expectations of them to do so that we run into trouble, pretty soon when our demands for people to love us are not being met, we eventually turn resentful and all sorts of bitter thoughts arise within us that are obviously not from God. So in the midst of all this torture we put ourselves through by expecting people to console and love us, we forget the important thing which is to love people and not be bothered at all whether they do not love or console us. Consider the Passion of Jesus, and the ignorance of many around him, especially the man who reluctently carried his Cross and those who mocked and jeered at him and offered no help. Instead of showing resentment, Jesus showed only but love for those who both loved him and mocked him and he asked his Father to forgive them.

So if we as Christians are going to get by in the world, it will not be through expecting anything from the world, but by only aquiring the Holy Spirit and giving that Love to the world, this is how we transform the world and that is to change the world by changing me.

I hope this helps and I would advise you to go with this problem to your confessor or spiritual director and see what he or she ( in the case of a nun who offers spiritual direction ) has to say.

God bless
Onesimus

Thanks Onesimus - I appreciate your reply.

I probably didn't explain properly - I'm not looking for counselling from my church or anything as demanding as that.

I appreciate your thoughts on this - I take your point about being a source of love in the world, it's just that I try to do that, and I thought that part of coming together as a church was to support each other in doing that? So if someone is struggling, that the church, as a family, support each other?

Maybe the fact that I am expecting something is wrong though.

skooterblue2

The thing about giving so much (effort) to the church is that they experience high highs and low lows. I see it with my mother and my aunts. They are either nuns or very religious and observant people.

If you are serving on two or more committees or on the pop up groups (like organising the Eucharistic Congress trip or for the Popes visit) when a lot of work is required in a short time it can drain you. I felt the same way as class rep with the student union in College. I am not sure about if you should cut back but you should talk to someone about it.

If you are investing your time in the church, it is not unreasonable to expect a little back from it.

Onesimus

emuhead wrote: »

Thanks Onesimus - I appreciate your reply.

I probably didn't explain properly - I'm not looking for counselling from my church or anything as demanding as that.

I appreciate your thoughts on this - I take your point about being a source of love in the world, it's just that I try to do that, and I thought that part of coming together as a church was to support each other in doing that? So if someone is struggling, that the church, as a family, support each other?

Maybe the fact that I am expecting something is wrong though.

Yes this is what I am saying also, with regards to counselling OR seeking comfort and consolation from those around us.

And yes you are correct in your thinking that as a community the Church is meant to support one another, but look at it like this: If we are in a Church gathering and all of us are sitting in a circle, all within this circle are sitting waiting for people to be the first to console them, expecting some consolation from one another. But if all are seeking and expecting this from one another, who will console each other? we must begin to seek to console one another and love one another and this is how we transform ( by His Grace ) ourselves and the community. But expecting to be loved and supported by other people? I wouldn't waste your time. Doing so only creates disharmony in ourselves as is already evident in your Original post. We begin to feel frustrated and we lose our peace of mind. We begin to become paranoid about those around us and assume all sorts like for example: so and so does not care about me, this person is so ignorant of my situation and perhaps he/she is doing it on purpose. And thus the devil gets his way in shaking our tower of peace and down we come.

We are already loved by Christ and this love and consolation we seek from his is guaranteed and we are much Loved by Our Mother too and we run to her also to seek aid.

But we shouldnt expect to be loved by others, even those in the community. Yes as a community we should be loving one another, but it's easier said than done. So I would invite you to begin with yourself and seek to love others and be united with Jesus as he too did not receive this love from the world but he did love the world regardless of whether they came to console him or not, mocked him or not and his peace was unshaken. As Christians we are called to imitate this great love, so let us do just that.

God bless
Onesimus

emuhead

skooterblue2 wrote: »

The thing about giving so much (effort) to the church is that they experience high highs and low lows. I see it with my mother and my aunts. They are either nuns or very religious and observant people.

If you are serving on two or more committees or on the pop up groups (like organising the Eucharistic Congress trip or for the Popes visit) when a lot of work is required in a short time it can drain you. I felt the same way as class rep with the student union in College. I am not sure about if you should cut back but you should talk to someone about it.

If you are investing your time in the church, it is not unreasonable to expect a little back from it.

Thanks scooterblue, I appreciate your reply.

Even though I'm not Catholic, I helped host a visit from some delegates from
the Eucharistic Congress to our place It's a small church and everyone chips in - I think it came to a head last weekend (I had to go home to deal with a family situation) and I got a phone call about a committee, without any questions about my family

I think I'll talk to someone outside my church about it, who also is quite involved, maybe to get a bit of advice.

emuhead

skooterblue2 wrote: »

This is one of the problems that Pastoral support is spread thin on the ground. Often when we are depleted of energy we can become frayed at the edges. People dont notice your problems because they see you as such as strong pillar of the community. People often forget you are human too. Maybe you are taking on too much. I still feel you should talk to someone about this.

Onesimus wrote: »

Yes this is what I am saying also, with regards to counselling OR seeking comfort and consolation from those around us.

And yes you are correct in your thinking that as a community the Church is meant to support one another, but look at it like this: If we are in a Church gathering and all of us are sitting in a circle, all within this circle are sitting waiting for people to be the first to console them, expecting some consolation from one another. But if all are seeking and expecting this from one another, who will console each other? we must begin to seek to console one another and love one another and this is how we transform ( by His Grace ) ourselves and the community. But expecting to be loved and supported by other people? I wouldn't waste your time. Doing so only creates disharmony in ourselves as is already evident in your Original post. We begin to feel frustrated and we lose our peace of mind. We begin to become paranoid about those around us and assume all sorts like for example: so and so does not care about me, this person is so ignorant of my situation and perhaps he/she is doing it on purpose. And thus the devil gets his way in shaking our tower of peace and down we come.

We are already loved by Christ and this love and consolation we seek from his is guaranteed and we are much Loved by Our Mother too and we run to her also to seek aid.

But we shouldnt expect to be loved by others, even those in the community. Yes as a community we should be loving one another, but it's easier said than done. So I would invite you to begin with yourself and seek to love others and be united with Jesus as he too did not receive this love from the world but he did love the world regardless of whether they came to console him or not, mocked him or not and his peace was unshaken. As Christians we are called to imitate this great love, so let us do just that.

God bless
Onesimus

I respect your views on this, and the time you've taken to answer my posts, and as I already said, I will take it on board, but I'm not going to blame myself for feeling that I need support from a community that I've freely supported. I am not 'waiting' to be consoled, I am still supporting others in spite of how I feel. Maybe that makes me less of a Christian to you (and fair enough, it would be great if I didn't need human support) but that's the way it is right now.

Onesimus

emuhead wrote: »

I respect your views on this, and the time you've taken to answer my posts, and as I already said, I will take it on board, but I'm not going to blame myself for feeling that I need support from a community that I've freely supported. I am not 'waiting' to be consoled, I am still supporting others in spite of how I feel. Maybe that makes me less of a Christian to you (and fair enough, it would be great if I didn't need human support) but that's the way it is right now.

We all need human support from friends around us ( in fact one could say that Jesus comes to console us through these very people ), but what I am trying to drive home to you is that when we fail to get that support, we shouldn't allow it to be a cause for us to lose our peace. But we are all weak and Lord knows I am the weakest among you.

angeleyes

From my reading of the OP's post I think it is mostly the kind word or gesture that would go a long way. I couldn't attend a parish team meeting as my sister was dying and I rang the PP's house to explain why and it was our new curate and I explained my reason. If someone said it to me my first reaction would be "I'm so sorry, you are in my prayers etc". A kind word or a simple "I am thinking of you" can go a long long way. The curate did neither with confused me and annoyed me too.

We can do too much and can be taken for granted. Its all find and dandy to be there for people and listen to their woes and troubles etc but sometimes we need that too and why should we not want or expect the same consideration.

Benny_Cake

It sounds to me that you may need to step aside from some of the committees and so on that you are involved with. It does sound as if it's taken for granted that you'll always be there to step in, but you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself during a stressful period. You'll be a greater help to your church if you aren't run off your feet. Hope things get better for you.

newmug

This might sound simplistic, but why dont you stop worrying about committees, and just worship God? Jesus didnt ask us to set up coffee mornings for him. Well and good if you can help out, and by the sound of things, you're doing MORE than your fair share, but none of that is a pre-requisite for getting into Heaven. Do what you can handle, let someone else worry about the rest. In the meantime, just try to lead a sinless life, and pray to God the Father.

skooterblue2

The Church of Ireland because they are a smaller society have to work harder to foster community relations. I also see members of the Church of Ireland in the beekeepers where it is less about making money and more about community and society and sharing knowledge. In The Roman Catholic church in Ireland we see going to Mass as a duty or drudge. There is something to be learned here about community and co-operation.

emuhead

Thanks to everybody for their input - I really appreciate it.

I'm going to slow down a bit on the committee work, and take a long weekend this month, somewhere nice

newmug

skooterblue2 wrote: »

The Church of Ireland because they are a smaller society have to work harder to foster community relations. I also see members of the Church of Ireland in the beekeepers where it is less about making money and more about community and society and sharing knowledge. In The Roman Catholic church in Ireland we see going to Mass as a duty or drudge. There is something to be learned here about community and co-operation.

Do we?

emuhead

newmug wrote: »

skooterblue2 wrote: »

The Church of Ireland because they are a smaller society have to work harder to foster community relations. I also see members of the Church of Ireland in the beekeepers where it is less about making money and more about community and society and sharing knowledge. In The Roman Catholic church in Ireland we see going to Mass as a duty or drudge. There is something to be learned here about community and co-operation.

Do we?

I don't think it's a good idea to generalise - what Christian denomination I'm a member of is not relevant. Thanks for the advice from everyone.

Jellicoe

emuhead wrote: »

I don't think it's a good idea to generalise - what Christian denomination I'm a member of is not relevant. Thanks for the advice from everyone.

Exactly man, I'd take a break from those committees, a lot of them can just turn into an ego contest

angeleyes

emuhead wrote: »

Thanks to everybody for their input - I really appreciate it.

I'm going to slow down a bit on the committee work, and take a long weekend this month, somewhere nice

Enjoy your long weekend emuhead and take it easy. Do something nice for you.

Squ

emuhead wrote: »

I'm going to slow down a bit

Hi, How's it going?

emuhead

Squ wrote: »

Hi, How's it going?

Good thanks, took a bit of a break, some good advice