am I being too involved?

LegacyUser

Hi, just need some perspective on whether this is my problem or not;

The problem is that my partner's sibling lives at home with their parents and their young child (school-going age) and doesn't do anything to help the parents at all. NO cooking or cleaning and the parents even do this person's laundry as well as the grandchild's. My partner's parents also pay all the bills including food and the sibling pays for nothing out of their benefits other than their own expenses like clothing. the only shopping done for this person's child is for expensive things for the child which are just useless..(like Nike runners etc..)

My partners parents complain a lot to me (I tend to be very neutral as I am aware I don't want to be dragged into it), but lately they have stepped up the usual complaints as they want this person to move out. The situation really upsets me as I am seeing two old people really being taken advantage of and don't know how to help as I am aware I am not blood family. My partner has tried numerous times to talk to their sibling but it ends badly and this sibling goes into really bad rages at any suggestion they are doing anything wrong. My partner is also very upset about is all but any suggestion the parents just kick this person out is unacceptable to them as they want to keep a good relationship with all their children.

We (partner and I) can't just ignore what is happening as we are close to the two elderly people and visit quite a lot. How do we get across to the person living with them (who is over 25) that this carry on is wrong without causing a family rift?

Idle Passerby

I would be wary of stepping in yourself. If the parents are complaining but doing nothing about it Id be inclined to believe they are just venting. Im sure if they want their child and grandchild to move out it is well within their capabilities to do it themselves unless they are very feeble or being bullied by their child. Stand by your partner and his parents if they decide to confront this person as a group but I wouldnt do anything of your own volition.

thefeatheredcat

The only thing you can do is provide support to your parents in law; if you were to confront the sibling directly yourself you run the risk of having everyone else upset at you for getting yourself involved.

It isn't really your problem as such, it's unpleasant to witness but it is up to the parents to make the call. They should be encouraged by your partner when they complain to take action however, especially if they are effectively enabling the child and grandchild to live there rent free and expense free and the grandparents are picking up the tab for the grandchild in general expenses that should be provided for by whatever income the adult child gets.

As long as that status quo is maintained by the parents, the situation will never change.

Given the child is school going age, surely they must be missing some aspect of that in having friends over for sleepovers and hosting birthday parties and stuff like that? Or do the inlaws enable that too? Maybe focusing on an aspect like that and coupling that with the sibling's need for privacy with friends or potential relationships might be an approach for your inlaws to take, as I would hope the parents wouldn't feel like they must provide some sort of boundary within their own home to facilitate an adult child's needs of privacy?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies..

Yes, I am aware my stepping in would raise a stink, that is why I have refrained from saying anything, even when the situation makes my blood boil. I have talked to my partner and we have decided that we will just not listen to anymore complaining as it really frustrates and puts us in an awkward position. The parents are collectively very non-confrontational. They tend to avoid a fight or ugliness at all costs, but in this case it is really to their detriment as they are getting on in years and still look after my partner's sibling as though they are 15, with the added "bonus" of a young child as well.

I spoke to my partner's mother yesterday and she has made it clear she is very unhappy at what is happening but also feels having the grandchild around is a compensation so I guess I will just leave it alone. This will be difficult as I really am appalled at the carry on of my in-law (really lazy person who thinks food, electricity and the like show up like manna from heaven) but I guess there is nothing I can do.