Grandparent problem

LegacyUser

Wondering what the general concensus on this is:

My mam and dad live approx. 200km away from my wife and I and our two children (aged 6 & 3). Over the past 5 years, my relationship with my father has gone downhill very quickly. He is a chronic alcoholic. I told him that he couldn't see my kids if he was drunk. However, he continues to turn up drunk when my kids are around. My mother does nothing to stop him even though she knows how upset this makes my wife an I. Since my youngest child was born, my mother has only been to see my son a handful of times. She takes no interest in them and never calls around to see them. I have made it very clear that she is always welcome in our house, but my father is not when he is drunk. This year alone, she has been to see us once for an hour or so in Feb and that was it. I'm not sure what to do about it, is it fair to bring it up with her?

woodchuck

I'm only guessing, but I'd say it's very hard for her to get over to you without her husband. If he's a chronic alcoholic, it's doubtful he'd ever be sober enough to come with her and if she's heading out of the house he would probably want to come along. Knowing that you don't want him over there drunk she's probably doing the only thing she can; not go.

I doubt it's a case that she's not interested in the children; your father sounds like the real problem here. Have you offered her any help or support? It can't be easy living with an alcoholic. I don't have any practical advice unfortunately, but I'm sure there must be organisations that can help.

username123

notsurewhattodo wrote: »

My mam and dad live approx. 200km away from my wife and I and our two children (aged 6 & 3). Over the past 5 years, my relationship with my father has gone downhill very quickly. He is a chronic alcoholic. I told him that he couldn't see my kids if he was drunk. However, he continues to turn up drunk when my kids are around. My mother does nothing to stop him even though she knows how upset this makes my wife an I.

Im sorry but what do you expect your mother to do about this? Its not her who is drinking, she cant control someone elses drinking.

notsurewhattodo wrote: »

Since my youngest child was born, my mother has only been to see my son a handful of times. She takes no interest in them and never calls around to see them.

200km, so a 400km round trip? How often do you expect her to make that trip alone? In what way do you facilitate her to help her come to visit?

notsurewhattodo wrote: »

I have made it very clear that she is always welcome in our house, but my father is not when he is drunk.

How much of a life does she generally have that is seperate to your father? Would she usually do stuff without him? My own father was an alcoholic and my mother was enabler number 1 and terrified wife number 2. She had no life outside of him. If I had told him he couldnt come to visit if he was drinking and then she came alone he would have freaked out and she would have borne the brunt of his anger. So think about what she may be facing as a consequence of your veto on his visits.

notsurewhattodo wrote: »

This year alone, she has been to see us once for an hour or so in Feb and that was it. I'm not sure what to do about it, is it fair to bring it up with her?

Its not really about whats 'fair'. Have you asked her why she doesnt visit you? Have you offered her any support in her situation, ie, living with active alcoholism? Have you done anything to address the effects of having an alcoholic parent on yourself?

You probably need to be looking at the bigger picture here. I dont think your problem is that your mother doesnt visit your son, its that your father is an alcoholic and this disease has far reaching effects on all those in the family.

LegacyUser

I fully understand that she cannot control his drinking. That is not the problem, the problem is that she will not ring to tell me that he is drunk when they are on their way down and so he arrives into the house to the grandkids nearly falling on top of them.

We have tried everything to get my mother is move away from him and offered her a place to stay so she is not on her own but she completely enables him. She does have a life outside of him however and does not stay at home everyday to look after him. She goes away on retreats (she is very religous) with her friends. I suppose that is the problem. She can make time for her religious obligations, but not time for her family.

username123

notsurewhattodo wrote: »

I fully understand that she cannot control his drinking. That is not the problem, the problem is that she will not ring to tell me that he is drunk when they are on their way down and so he arrives into the house to the grandkids nearly falling on top of them.

Yeah I understand your anger and frustration on this. The big problem is that she is as far into denial as he is (probably). My mother used to swear blind to me that my father hadnt been near a drink that day and he wouldnt be able to stand up. The human mind is a strange thing and behaves in strange ways to facilitate survival. In my mothers case it was that she couldnt face up to the truth because her whole sham marriage and life would have come crumbling down. So it was easier to stay in denial and pretend all was ok.

In your case if she rang and said he was drunk would you tell them not to come? And as a consequence of that she would be left to deal with his anger/upset/her own hurt. Its hard.

notsurewhattodo wrote: »

We have tried everything to get my mother is move away from him and offered her a place to stay so she is not on her own but she completely enables him. She does have a life outside of him however and does not stay at home everyday to look after him. She goes away on retreats (she is very religous) with her friends. I suppose that is the problem. She can make time for her religious obligations, but not time for her family.

Her religious obligations are probably acceptable but making time alone for her family would possibly cause problems? Again, with denial and enabling, is it possible that to go alone to your house would cause her to have to admit that your father has a real problem and its easier for her to just play along and only go if he is there? Might she feel that she is letting him down to 'side' with you against him (warped logic but this isnt a normal situation).

Have you ever asked her outright why religious retreats are acceptable but a visit to your home is not?

What kind of research/digging have you done on your own reactions to life/situations/family as a result of having an alcoholic parent? There is a very well documented body of evidence that shows how Adult Children of Alcoholics react to and handle situations as a result of dysfunction in their upbringing. Might help to explain/unravel the relationship with your mother?

Big Bag of Chips

Have you tried Al Anon? It is for family and friends of alcoholics.

I don't think it is as easy as offering your mam a place to stay to get away from him. If it was, she would have taken you up on it.

You anger is misguided, a little.

Yes, your mam SHOULD be able to leave him/stand up to him/come to your house with out him etc... But she can't. And its probably a lot more complicated than 'she doesn't want to'.

Maybe Al Anon would be a good place for you to start. One visit can't do any harm.

Edit: you blame your mother for not seeing your kids often enough and she probably blames you a bit for not allowing her to see them. Because it's easier to blame the innocent ones than to tackle the real culprit....