Shame / Anger over Modest Background

LegacyUser

I've been dating a guy for almost 2 years now, and we've been living together for 6 months. Everything is going really great. I'm from Galway, he's from the south of Spain and we both live in London for the past 3 /4 years. There's only one major problem that plays on my mind over and over and leaves me riddled with guilt and shame to the point that it's really having a major impact on my ability to see things long term with him - essentially, I come from a very modest background, while he comes from a much much more privileged background.

When we met we had the usual conversations that crop up about what we did as children, our parents, schools etc. It became very clear to me early on that I was after meeting someone who had a privileged upbringing. While he told stories of going to this or that island during the summer and seeing lots of Europe / America etc, sadly, my travels only got me as far as Tramore in Waterford :P (apart from a few trips to London, one to France and one to NYC).

Anyhow, to get to the point, his parents own three amazing ****in' houses - 2 in Spain, one in France, and are now set to inherent another house in Spain from the grandad. His father has just retired from the medical industry and his mother is a lecturer in a university. They are very well to do, don't want for anything, and have come from generations of well established lineage. It's not to the level that my boyfriend doesn't have to work and gets to float around on a yacht or anything, in fact, my boyfriend worked very hard in Uni, had a part-time job all the time and has been working very hard in his company since he graduated to carve out a career for himself. His parents are strong on enforcing independence in him and his sister.

My story is slightly different. My dad is a taxi driver back home and my mum works in a restaurant. We've always been working class, and at times have struggled very hard with money. We live in a very modest terraced house just outside Galway city and to be honest, I have always hated the area as people used to bully me from being from there in school etc. I worked like crazy to go to college in Dublin and at the age of 28 am now working in a very good job that pays quite a bit beyond any of my friends or peers. Yet, I seem to be preoccupied non-stop about my background and what it means for my future. I can only view it as a negative.

My bf has met my parents 4 / 5 times (but has never been to my parents house - always at my Sis' place in Dublin or when they've come to London) and he gets on really well with them. Likewise, I've had the privilege of visiting Spain with him about 8 times and seem to do well with his parents and extended family (they like that I speak Spanish!!).

Last month however we flew to Spain with mutual friends of ours from London. The whole experience killed me. Our friends (who are also from similar backgrounds to him) just kept exchanging stories about things they've done, what they and their parents have... and it's a life I never knew. I went to school, worked and went to Uni - that's it. The whole time they kept talking about going from my bf's house inland to his **** off house by the beach I felt like vomiting - with inadequacy / jealousy / envy / anger and I actually acted out like a spoilt little **** trying to make the weekend a bit **** (wtf??)

All these things my bf can do for me and our friends I can never return. There's not even space any more for us to stay with my parents in Galway, and the idea of him coming home with me to their place kills me. The tragic thing is that I am well aware of the fact that I would be NOTHING without the hard work and sacrifices my parents made for me, so the fact that I feel ashamed of my background fills me with even more shame about myself now. It's just a viscous cycle. My boyfriend knows my parents don't have summer houses and are working class, but I don't think he has any idea of just how modest my background / parents life really is.

- I feel guilty over never being able to return the amazing experiences I get while being his boyfriend to him - summer houses, jet skis, fancy cars etc
- I hate myself for being ashamed of my background and can't seem to let it go. Especially since ALL the people I meet in work / socially are from well to do families. It's like there's never an age where your parents jobs don't become a topic of discussion.
- Even as a successful 20something year old I feel like **** and angry about being from where I come from.
- I'm worried my boyfriend will somehow meet someone who is from more on his level and then once he compares that to the **** that comes with being my partner, he'll be gone in a flash.
- I am disgusted at myself for having shame on my parents even though they have worked their entire life to help me become what I am, but I don't know how I to let these feelings go.

Has anyone any advice for me or have been through similar situations? I need to somehow get over this, but every time I say things like 'you are what you are', 'getting to where I got to now from my background is even something to be more impressed about', 'he's not with me for money, it's for love' etc...they work for a few minutes to reassure myself but then the feelings creep back in.

Advice badly needed.

Lisha

seriously you've been dating for 2yrs, , , , I'd bet moey I dont have that he is with you for who you are today. End of... If he has never made an issue of it, why are you wreaking a good relationship .

discuss it with him by all means but please get over it

Guilt and shame because your parents are hard working and honest, Seriously re read what you've written and I really hope you see that the problem is of your making and in your own head.

You should be proud of your parents and all they have done for you.
IMHO they deserve better from you, your boyf deserves your trust in the relationship, and most of all you deserve to let yourself be happy

Best of luck OP

Edit, apologies if I sound a bit harsh. I ve seen some one very close to me crucified by unwarrented feelings of inadequacy.
Ellsbells is correct, counselling would be very benificial to you. Ive done counselling myself when I got into a cycle of overthinking things, and of the viscous cycle of negative thoughts. Please do try it will give you the tools to break negative thought cycles.

Ellsbells

Counselling... You should try counselling. Having decent loving parents is something to be proud of. it doesnt matter where you are from as long as you are honest and good to him. why do you place so much importance on things???

FeelingsNeedtoChange wrote: »

I

once he compares that to the **** that comes with being my partner, he'll be gone in a flash.

What does this mean?

Neyite

Did you ever consider that maybe he loves being with you because you are not like the rich privileged kids he knows in his social circle. It sounds like his mum and dad were hard workers, and instilled these values in their children.

Maybe coming from honest hardworking family is exactly what he loves about you - that your parents provided well for you and you sound like a really hard worker yourself - working hard to be a success. Maybe a pampered princessey type who spends daddys money is the type of girl that would bore him stupid.

Maybe he loves the fact that you studied your ass off and are a success in your chosen field and that you are a daughter that your parents are immensely proud of.

You realise that you cant compete with all the fancy stuff his peers have, and you shouldnt even try- its who you are that attracts him.

dellas1979

Well, the long and the short of it is that he cant change his background, no more than you can.

So, the solution is to find a way to cope if you are feeling inadequate.

I dont think you are ashamed at all of your family or circumstances. What have you to be ashamed of? A smaller house? Come on. Decent people, which your bf seems to be, dont think like that.

Maybe try and desensitize the situation a little for yourself, and tell him and friends about your background, the place you grew up in/house, how your parents have worked hard. All the things you are proud of. I bet he wont bat an eyelid and more than anything, find it interesting. Youre making this a big thing in your head and its really not. If you make it a big thing in your head, it will become big - thats your super ego talking. You need to tell it to be quiet. Be proud of who you are and where you came from. Dont hide who you are.

Takes all walks of life to populate this world. The man on the street with a euro in his pocket is no better than a man with e1000 in his pocket.

beks101

I think you are living in a bubble OP. A bubble where you're surrounded exclusively by rich, well-to-do types who preoccupy and define themselves by their lavish lifestyles, what they earn, what they do, what their parents do, how many houses their parents own.

It's not the real world at all and it's not what the majority of well educated, genuine, copped on, principled people care about in life.

Seriously, these people really care about what each other's parents do for a living? I could barely tell you what half of my close friends' parents do and couldn't give less of a crap - how exactly is that relevant to my friendship with them? I come from a pretty academic background, parents did well, never wanted for anything - some of my friends had to work full time from an early age to afford college and only went on holidays to the countryside as children; some others never had to finance themselves until they were finished their education and travelled the globe several times during their childhoods...it's of feck all relevance in our friendship by comparison to the shared qualities and principles of kindness, loyalty, intelligence, similar sense of humour etc that pull us all together.

Maybe those principles in you are what matter to your boyfriend. Maybe he's always been surrounded by privileged people who had life handed to them on a plate and fell for you because you see the value in things that others in his life don't. Maybe he likes your sense of ambition, your drive, your desire to better yourself, that chip on your shoulder that keeps you on your toes and doesn't allow you to take things for granted.

The one thing I will say though is don't let that chip swallow you up. You seem to have an unhealthy obsession with what sounds to me to be a perfectly normal and standard background in Ireland, no doubt owing to this crowd of rich kids that surrounds you. It's unhealthy to the point where it may be affecting your relationship with your parents (you'd seriously be embarrassed to bring your boyfriend home to the people who raised you and made you who you are?) and your relationship with your home. I really hope you aren't avoiding trips home because of it. That's just the saddest thing in the world to me.

Remember this: money is money. It comes and goes in life. It can give you comfort for sure, but it can't replace the invaluable things that you will never get a second shot at - loving parents and a family that would do anything for you. You only get one of those. The jet skis and summer homes are disposable.

username123

FeelingsNeedtoChange wrote: »

It's like there's never an age where your parents jobs don't become a topic of discussion.

I can honestly say, and Im much older than you OP, that I have NEVER EVER come across this!

And unless its something unusual, I dont know what most peoples parents do for a living.

I think the issue you are having is all in your own head OP. I doubt very much that the only thing that people talk about is what their parents do for a living. Youve been with your partner for 2 years - surely he is aware of and has accepted any imaginary class differences at this stage?

dellas1979

Can I just say....your parents are working class, and so are his, albeit different jobs/paying jobs.

Take Kate and William, now thats something totally different. She came from a working class background (ok-some might subdivide that there are divisions of working class, but effectively everyone is working for a living, not for the fun of it).

thefeatheredcat

Some excellent points already made...but I thought I would throw this in; your mutual friends, do you understand the importance of what job title their parents have or how many houses they have is about? It is about I would think a way to deflect the person's own failures in life in not making themselves a success by their own merit, skills and abilities, using the accomplishments of their parents in material objects/trophies as their own success; it may or may not be true of them as people, but it is worth at least considering.

In saying that, your boyfriend's parents sound sensible. They have worked hard and didn't want their kids leeching off them so they were made be independent and actually that is the best thing they could have done as parents to them.

Your parents have effectively done the same thing. They too worked hard and you have made a success of yourself. You are a product of their hard work too in raising you, teaching you certain values and morals.

The job titles and what your parents do don't really matter in this world; that is all in people's heads. If they raised you, put food on the table, clothes on your back, encouraged you in education, kept a roof over your head, and they stayed together through thick and thin and outlived more difficult situations even financially, raised a good honest daughter who is also hard working, then you really should be proud of them. People who have money to fall back on or various investments and assets that can be sold have the luxury of taking it for granted that there is some sort of cushion. Your parents, like most probably didn't have that luxury and if they had to scrimp and save to have a house or worked hard for what they have, that is even more reason to be proud of them.

I don't think you should let material possessions and the money aspect really cloud your judgement in the relationship. In many ways you are more alike, probably raised similarly with similar values. I think if anything should your boyfriend or his parents see where you came from and how hard your parents worked, they will love and appreciate you even more for the person you are.

I think this almost goes without saying, but if your boyfriend and his parents really valued the luxury lifestyle and holiday homes and jet skis and being around "wealthy" people, wouldn't you think that your boyfriend and parents would have abandoned their jobs and have your boyfriend marry some daddy's princess that will just sit around and do nothing and talk about nothing but buy whatever flash rubbish they intend spending someone else's money on? That clearly doesn't interest him and even the mutual friends who go on about their parents' money and jobs might be a bore to him anyway.

LittleBook

OP, the title of your post says it all really. You feel, for some reason, a bit ashamed of your modest background.

Trust me, long gone are the days of rating people based on their backgrounds. The only problem here is that you find yourself in a situation where the people around you don't have comparable backgrounds.

But that doesn't mean you're falling short!

I've worked all over Europe with the most charming, intelligent, friendly people and they were from the most varying backgrounds as to make your head spin. Europe is a melting pot and there is nothing to hold you back.

Background only really matters these days to the worst kind of people and you are obviously not with these people.

Stop fretting and celebrate everything that is good about you and where you come from. One of the best times I had with some rich French friends was when they slept in my parents attic!

It's clear from your post that you know this is your own problem, so let it go!

LegacyUser

Ok you met a few bitches who bullied you in school but you decided then to work hard and go to college. You know have a good job when the people who bullied are stuck in Ireland with nothing much going for them.
Your lucky to have a boyfriend who loves you. He might like the fact that you have a bit of get up and go in you as you went to university and got a good job.
His parents sound like nice people who had some money but worked hard to have a good lifestyle now. They have thought your boyfriend to work hard and he had a part time job in college when they could have given him money to have a good time then.
Not every guy with wealthy parents want to be in a relationship with a girl who sees them as a cash machine. Also if you look into the back round of some of his and your wealth friends you could discover that everything is not as perfect as it looks.
I would bring you boyfriend over to Galway and let him see where you come from. Let him spend time with your parents and family as you know they all like each other.
He can see then that your parents are decent people who worked hard for what they have and that you are the same. Don't let your lack of wealth end the good relationship that you both have.

AnonoBoy

Do you think big cars and houses impress your boyfriend?

Of course not. He's used to that.

You know what he's impressed by? YOU.

He knows you're not fabulously wealthy. He knows your folks don't have summer houses you can jet off to when you want. And he's still with you.

Emme

OP, focus on what you and your bf have in common rather than on his privileged background. You say that despite all the money he worked hard at university, so did you. His parents like that you speak Spanish. What's the problem? He might have some dilettante friends who talk about their high-end leisure pursuits all the time but he's dating you for 2 years.

I think that in Ireland class is more of an issue than we care to admit. It's not such a big deal in some other countries.

Don't let the fact that your boyfriend's family is wealthy make you ashamed of your own more normal background. Your parents worked hard and gave you a solid foundation. They have a good work ethic and so have you. That's something to be proud of.

Mighty_Mouse

Your home, family & friends help form part of your identity.
There is little or no generational wealth here.

Traditionally this has not been a country where opportunity was taken for granted.
3rd level education, new cars, international travel, are all quiet recent soical norms for the majority of us.

Don't be so easily intoxicated by the fumes of bull**** materialistic trappings.
Your background should give you an appreciation of what privilege is. Embrace it.

You clearly have belief in yourself. Don't be so easily intimidated

fits

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

There is little or no generational wealth here. .

This!

Your partner's family sound to me like a typical educated family. They dont seem particularly wealthy or privileged they just worked for their living and have done well for themselves. Your partner is also a hard worker. These are all good things.

As for your family, opportunities for education just did not exist for people until the last thirty years or so and even then it was a struggle. Your parents probably had no opportunity to get a decent education behind them. And yes as we're a relatively young country and new to property ownership, there is no generational wealth.

Look at it this way, your own children will probably have a similar upbringing and the same opportunities that your partner had.

Your parents sound like decent hard working people who did their best in bringing you up. Please dont be ashamed of something that is out of everyone's control.

LoYL

I always remember Niall Toibin talking about backgrounds and the great leveler that Ireland used to be about "lineage": referring to an era before indoor plumbing..."I remember them when they had the track of the bucket on their a$$e". True nobility isn't found in a bloodline; your parents raised an ambitious and decent person who made good. Your own nobility is a match for any.

First of all, OP, if you've been to France and NYC and gone to college, you're nowhere near as badly off as you think you are. Your boyfriend's family are rich. I'm sure he knows this. I'm sure he doesn't expect your family to be the same. It sounds like he has his head screwed on and isn't spoiled or clueless. It seems like you've become a bit obsessed with these rich friends of yours and feel poor in comparison, when really you're completely normal and it's your friends who are in the minority. Stop creating hassle where there isn't any! This is all in your head. Just enjoy the nice houses and cheap holidays