Dumped out of the blue after 4 years, don't know what I did wrong

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Don't really know what I'm looking for on here but I just feel so hurt and alone. Basically a month ago my bf of 4 years just dumped me out of the blue, with no warning, nothing. We hadn't been arguing or anything. I noticed he had been kinda quieter than usual for a while, but I just thought it was down to stress in his job.
He basically said that he wasn't in love with me and more, that it just didn't feel right but I was still his best friend and he cared about me very much. I asked him what made him feel like this, was it something I did etc but he said he just doesn't know and it just doesn't feel right.
We recently moved into a new place together after living apart for around 9 months, but what kills me the most is he said he started to feel this way around Christmas, so why did he move into a place with me with a years lease if he wasn't even bothered?? It was him that was dying to move out again.
We were like two peas in a pod and did everything together, always talked about getting a house together in the future, he said I was his soul mate and I feel the same. How can someone just switch off their feelings like that in such a short amount of time? I just don't know how to get over this. I love him so much I don't think i'll ever get over him.
Thanks for reading

Justme2210

First of all hugs to you, I hope you are looking after yourself at this time, I know how hard it is xx

It's difficult to know, would he be afraid of things getting more serious? I have to ask... but could he have met somebody else?

LegacyUser

I don't know, I had thought so because he was seen hanging around with a girl I knew he was friendly with after he dumped me, and when I confronted him about it he said they were just hanging out and that they were just friends. He said he definitely wasn't interested in her or wasn't looking to get with anyone else. I know he has always had female friends so I believe him.
But about being scared of things getting serious, we had practically lived together since we got together and only lived apart for 9 months as I mentioned in my OP, so I don't see how he could be afraid of that. Even for our anniversary in Feb he was saying every day with you is a gift and how much he loved me so why would he be saying all those things if he felt something was wrong around Christmas?? I just feel so confused..I suppose i'm just looking for an outside opinion.
thanks for your reply!

Zombrex

dumped wrote: »

Hi All,

Don't really know what I'm looking for on here but I just feel so hurt and alone. Basically a month ago my bf of 4 years just dumped me out of the blue, with no warning, nothing. We hadn't been arguing or anything. I noticed he had been kinda quieter than usual for a while, but I just thought it was down to stress in his job.
He basically said that he wasn't in love with me and more, that it just didn't feel right but I was still his best friend and he cared about me very much. I asked him what made him feel like this, was it something I did etc but he said he just doesn't know and it just doesn't feel right.
We recently moved into a new place together after living apart for around 9 months, but what kills me the most is he said he started to feel this way around Christmas, so why did he move into a place with me with a years lease if he wasn't even bothered?? It was him that was dying to move out again.
We were like two peas in a pod and did everything together, always talked about getting a house together in the future, he said I was his soul mate and I feel the same. How can someone just switch off their feelings like that in such a short amount of time? I just don't know how to get over this. I love him so much I don't think i'll ever get over him.
Thanks for reading

I wouldn't say you did anything wrong, some times people simply grow apart. In a lot of ways he did the right thing, you wouldn't want him pretending he still felt the same way and moving the relationship to an even more serious place when he didn't feel as you felt.

But the sounds of it he has been feeling like this for a while and has been working up to telling you. That shows he was scared to hurt you but that ultimately he felt he had to tell you.

It is very tough, when you feel something someone else no longer feels. And it will hurt for a while. But you will get over it and move on. I know it is difficult but try not to get two worked up over things you might or might not have done. There is nothing wrong with you, people's feels simply change. It will probably happen to you some time in a future relationship and you will understand it from his perspective a bit better.

Give yourself time to morn the relationship but try not to wallow in the sadness. This is a part of life, people will break your heart and you will break theirs. Life is all about learning to deal with these situations when the arise. It is difficult to see it now but the future is wide open ahead of you.

ABajaninCork

Totally agree with the above post. We've all been there, wondering what went wrong, how can I get over this?

But OP. Someone once said to me when I went through this. The signs are always there. And it's true. You said in your OP that your partner was quieter than usual, but you (understandably) put it down to stress. Looking back, was that the first clue?

But you will move on from this. You've done nothing wrong. It was a relationship that was great while it lasted, but has now run its course. Be kind to yourself.

Big hugs to you!:)

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your replies...

I guess no one ever wants to believe that they will get their heartbroken..this was my first long-term relationship so I never knew what to expect, I guess I was just living in a bubble and never believed that it could happen..I just love him so much and feel I will never find someone as great as him, It puts me off wanting another relationship because the emotional pain is just too horrendous to experience again. I never could have imagined how agonizing it is.

Thanks again

Bodhidharma

You probably did nothing wrong OP. I know you probably will beat yourself up asking questions about what you could have done to prevent it, but the fact is, he's the one who changed, not you. You are probaby still the person he fell in love with and while its hard now, remember that you are still worthy of love.

The next few months will be terrible, no question. But your options are; try and move on, regain your strength, confidence and smile, or sink into a fit of depression. The latter isn't really an option so you'll have to just get through it.

I wish you luck, I hate hearing things like this, but you're not alone. You said its your first LTR, my advice is take the experience you've gained and use it in your next relationship. You'll be a better person because of it. Good luck

Ellsbells

Ah I am sorry.... I know its no comfort but I think its better that he thought about it for so long rather than it be a rash decision... Its hellish but better than him dragging it on for years more. This way, even though you need a break from relationships for a while, you get to meet Mr Right for you

Lorna123

Sometimes a big disappointment like this can be a stroke of luck as it will leave you free to meet someone who will be much better for you in every way.

Sappa

Your ex just wanted freedom,I imagine your both still young and he probably wants to play around have fun.
Unfortunately you both might have met too soon and this phase hecwants he will get soon tired off and I an sure regret what he has done in one respect but also maybe it was something he needed to do for himself and you will move on from this and build yourself up.
It may feel desperate now but in a while your attitude to his departure willchsnge and something or someone will cone along for you.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

Am really sorry you're in this position. We all know too well the sheer gut wrenching pain of a relationship ending, it's one of the worst things in the world

As hard as it might seem now, there will be a time in the future where you'll wake up and you'll start to feel human again. In the meantime, I won't lie, there may be some tough times ahead. Let yourself be upset, cry and wallow, all that is necessary to grieve the relationship. The worst thing you can do is pretend all is OK. So allow yourself to grieve, wallow, cry your eyes out. But give yourself a time frame to stop wallowing and start to look after yourself.

Things that have helped me in the past:

steering clear of drink for the first few weeks. It increases the chances of drunkenly calling him and sobbing down the phone asking what went wrong.

Watching DVD box sets. Gave me something to focus on other than myself and the relationship.

Getting rid of all possessions that reminded me of him- putting them all in a black bag and hiding them, or better still, dumping them.

An overhaul of some kind, whether that entails an image overhaul (just don't get a drastic haircut!) or overhauling my bedroom, new quilt covers, etc.

Heartbreak is part and parcel of life and I know you say you can't imagine going through this hell again. Just remember that everyone experiences it, nobody is immune to heartbreak. There's loads of learnings to be taken from your relationship.

Chin up xx

inthesameboat

You have done nothing wrong! it is such a horrible situation. I am six months down the road after basically being dumped after a ten year relationship and it still so hard...I dont know how to deal with each day and I cant seem to get my emotions under control at all. I thought I was getting a bit better and people keep saying that it will but at the moment I just dont see it.

Sorry Im not telling you a better story but I feel your pain as Im sure lots of others do too.

All we can do is try to keep smiling.....

LegacyUser

inthesameboat wrote: »

You have done nothing wrong! it is such a horrible situation. I am six months down the road after basically being dumped after a ten year relationship and it still so hard...I dont know how to deal with each day and I cant seem to get my emotions under control at all. I thought I was getting a bit better and people keep saying that it will but at the moment I just dont see it.

Sorry Im not telling you a better story but I feel your pain as Im sure lots of others do too.

All we can do is try to keep smiling.....

Thanks for being honest! I can imagine its going to take a long time, feels like it could be years. I know it sounds silly but I really don't think I will ever love anyone in the same way again. Maybe I feel like that because its still so raw.
I can't imagine how it must feel after 10 years, I was with him for 4 and it feels like it was a life-time. I have to keep telling myself I lived for 20 years without him before so I can keep going, but he was basically my life for those years and I don't know how to live my life now that I'm on my own. I seemed to have a huge dependency on him that maybe wasn't healthy.
Thank you for your post and I hope you will feel better soon

dellas1979

I think when a long term relationship ends out of the blue, it very much feels like you are loosing your left arm. Its like an empty space. And it will remain empty for a while, until you move on and fill that space with other things (doesnt have to be a man!). You will figure it out.

The pain does get easier. The questioning and wondering and the beating yourself up will stop. And some days you will find you can just about cope, other days you will wonder how to get through the day. Just remember it is all perfectly normal. Allow yourself to grieve for the relationship.

dannyc31

thanks for being honest! I can imagine its going to take a long time, feels like it could be years. I know it sounds silly but I really don't think I will ever love anyone in the same way again. Maybe I feel like that because its still so raw.
I can't imagine how it must feel after 10 years, I was with him for 4 and it feels like it was a life-time. I have to keep telling myself I lived for 20 years without him before so I can keep going, but he was basically my life for those years and I don't know how to live my life now that I'm on my own. I seemed to have a huge dependency on him that maybe wasn't healthy.
Thank you for your post and I hope you will feel better soon

sorry to hear about your break up young lady. feeling like you may never love someone the same way again is a natural feeling after a break up and when you actually think about it, its true because any new person that comes along into your life is not gonna be the same as your ex so you can only fall in love a different way with a different person.

its gonna feel raw for a while and so you should probably take the focus off meeting someone else again straight away.. dont make the dreaded mistake alot of people make of jumping from relationship to relationship without giving themselves time to get over the initial break up.

the other thing is you most likely done nothing wrong but actually neither did he. unfortunately he just happened to fall out of love with you and he just knew it in his heart. i think its best he done it now rather than dragging it on were you both end up resenting each other 5 years down the line and believe me there are alot of couples out there who end up in that situation.

also i would say to you to learn from this experience as in i dont think its a good idea to make someone your life for 4years no matter how in love with them you are. did you not mix it up between spending time with your friends? your family, even going out with work colleagues? i believe a relationship should give you a balanced life so there should be time for friends, family, hobbies and other activities so that you are not living in each others pockets day in day out because when this type of relationships end, one can be totally lost and may have even forgotten who they once were as an individual.

anyway hopes this helps and best of luck with everything you'll bounce back soon

blatantrereg

He didn't switch his feelings off out of the blue. He started to change 8 months ago. Your relationship was significant enough to him that it took 8 months before he ended it. It doesn't seem correct at all to say that he "wasn't even bothered".

I'm guessing he was dying to move back in with you as he probably thought the living apart was what was causing the change in his feelings. He was trying to get back to feeling right with you because he valued your relationship.

It's pretty clear that there was a communication problem in your relationship. That might have been the cause of his losing his feelings for you. It might be constructive for you to consider how easily you can hear things that are upsetting, and how easily you get upset. If he felt unable to communicate his concerns about your relationship to you, it might have been because he feared your reaction. Personally I think being able to hear things you dont necessarily want to is an important factor in maintaining honest communication.

gonebeyondajoke

This is very similar to what happened me recently, it could be a case that it wasn't that he wasn't happy with you but that he wasn't happy with himself and was using the relationship as a scape goat for his unhappiness

LegacyUser

OP, you didn't do anything "wrong". Your BF is just a callous person. A relationship needs a proper ending and walking out without warning is not it. A four year relationship deserved discussion and explanation and you didn't get it. It won't be easy but you are better off without such a person who not only does not love you but does not even care for you.

Ellsbells

Jilted2010 wrote: »

Your BF is just a callous person. A relationship needs a proper ending and walking out without warning is not it. A four year relationship deserved discussion and explanation and you didn't get it. It won't be easy but you are better off without such a person who not only does not love you but does not even care for you.

where did she say they didnt discuss it. they onbviously did when he had thought about it for 8 months and decided it wasnt a runner. What was he supposed to do - tell her each month of the 8 months that he was debating finsihing it... It was out of the blue - for the op... It doesnt mean they didnt talk about it..

Buncha Fives

OP; I am very sorry to hear of your break up, unfortunately I have went through the same experience myself recently and it’s a terrible feeling. I am sure you are sick of people trying to look on the positive side of things but I know quite a few people who realised they were no longer in love but unfortunately they were married and had already committed to a life time together and the situation was a mess.

There is no doubt that it will take you a while to get over this but through time it will get easier and you will realise that it was for the best in the long term… I do not think he did anything wrong, from my own limited experience I feel that maybe your relationship had run its course for him and your partner slowly came to terms with it before your break-up.

I am going through quite a difficult time at the moment myself…I had been going out with a girl, the first few months was a joy and I really felt she was one the one I had always been looking for. Unfortunately the longer we were together the more she let her guard down and her true colours started to show and it became apparent that she was quite selfish and at times hurtful.

Our break-up was messy and basically she flipped the lid when I told her she needed to change her way of going on… I spoke to a lot of my friends and they all said I am better off but its not easy being single again and I was really annoyed with myself for letting the situation manifest… the whole thing left me feeling quite hurt.

Whippersnapper

I'm in the same situation as the OP. After 4 years and talking about marriage and houses, she drops this on me the other evening. She was in tears telling me that she was unhappy but she still loved me. The reason for the split is that we are too different in important areas of her life. I felt that once two people loved each other as much as we do, then we could work through anything. She said she has tried and tried and has nothing left to give. I'm absolutely heartbroken and am half waiting for her to ring me to say she's made a mistake. I can't believe all our good times are gone and never will be again. I can't eat and I oversleep, not wanting to wake up in the mornings.

bizzbee

After reading many 'popular psychology' books (All bookshops & libraries have them)... I would recommend reading a few - gives great insite into relationships etc. & boosts self-esteem!!! (Try looking for author: Sherry Argov - absolutely brilliant and 'treat them mean keep them keen' Gerry Stergiopoulos) Nothing worse than a break up, been there... so sorry for you You know you have support here. Also Youtube is great for giving advice - 'Matthew Hussey' he's great for getting your self-esteem back. If your guy does love you he'll bounce back if you give him space and stop chasing him, (men like to have their 'dopamine' time, male hormore that they want to break away, whereas women have 'oxytocin' hormone 'chatting'/talking it over - learnt from youtube), like in the book 'men are from mars women are from venus' there's an elasticity rule, like a rubber band or rubber ball you know that song - 'he'll come bouncing back to you'. However if he doesn't come back... you MUST let him go or he'll turn into such a crazy, hurtful person who will treat you really badly and guys like that are very 'controlling' and have issues themselves so you're better off without them! If he loves you and he's meant for you he'll come back if you give him space, if he doesn't love you (don't blame yourself & don't cry over someone who won't cry over you) at least you'll know for sure and that in itself is a reason to move on and not waste your life over him. In fact I learnt everything the hard way so I speak from experience.

bizzbee

To whippersnapper:

Best to 'show them what they're missing' that you CAN live without them & you're not DEPENDENT on them to make you happy. The giving the other person a bit of space works both for men & women, because then the other person will learn to appreciate what they have without feeling smothered. This might be too late if the relationship is completely over but working on making yourself happy without being 'needy' / 'dependent' really works and don't feel insecure about yourself you are an amazing person and bring a lot to the world, just find yourself again...who you are, what you like etc. you were this great person before you met your partner, so find that person again or an even better stronger one. Get out there and shine and meet people because if this person isn't right for you there is probably someone better waiting to meet you out there. If you're stuck for where to meet people try www.meetup.com - this has so many groups one of them will be just right for you. And again I'm really sorry for your pain & hurt, I've been there and I know but if I can get over my man anyone can. And as the saying goes 'there's plenty more fish in the sea'. And it's true - make a list, I bet you can find more than one person in your life that you loved/fancied at different times (whether they were partners or not, even movie stars).

LegacyUser

Whippersnapper wrote: »

I'm in the same situation as the OP. After 4 years and talking about marriage and houses, she drops this on me the other evening. She was in tears telling me that she was unhappy but she still loved me. The reason for the split is that we are too different in important areas of her life. I felt that once two people loved each other as much as we do, then we could work through anything. She said she has tried and tried and has nothing left to give. I'm absolutely heartbroken and am half waiting for her to ring me to say she's made a mistake. I can't believe all our good times are gone and never will be again. I can't eat and I oversleep, not wanting to wake up in the mornings.

I understand how you feel. I'm sleeping until 12 or 1 in the day because I cant face the day, its like waking up from a horrible nightmare except reality is the nightmare your waking up too. I keep hoping I'll get a call too with him begging me back, but i know that wont happen.
I just keep thinking of all the wonderful memories and the thought of not sharing that with him again is unbearable.
The thing that is messed up is we are still meeting up and hanging out occasionally as 'friends', I just cant bear to lose him completely out of my life. We are best friends but I cant let go. Is it possible to be friends and hang out while trying to get over him?
I feel like if I have to lose him as a boyfriend then there is no way I want to lose him as a friend aswell.
Has anyone else managed to do this and except being friends?
Thanks for all the replies

dumped

dumped wrote: »

I understand how you feel. I'm sleeping until 12 or 1 in the day because I cant face the day, its like waking up from a horrible nightmare except reality is the nightmare your waking up too. I keep hoping I'll get a call too with him begging me back, but i know that wont happen.
I just keep thinking of all the wonderful memories and the thought of not sharing that with him again is unbearable.
The thing that is messed up is we are still meeting up and hanging out occasionally as 'friends', I just cant bear to lose him completely out of my life. We are best friends but I cant let go. Is it possible to be friends and hang out while trying to get over him?
I feel like if I have to lose him as a boyfriend then there is no way I want to lose him as a friend aswell.
Has anyone else managed to do this and except being friends?
Thanks for all the replies

You can't do it without a long period of no contact. If you try being friends, your heart will break all over again every day.
This is grieving, something we've all been through, and the only thing that will help is time. When you've moved on, when you wake up one day and things are fine, you're not thinking of him much - then maybe you can think about being friends. Maybe.

bizzbee

Also you can still love the person you loved who you had great memories with, it would be impossible to switch off how you feel, just don't dwell on the past forever, it's ok now because its still raw, but at some point you should give other decent people a chance - wouldn't rush into it though either & don't compare them to your ex as it's not really giving the new person a chance. Decide yourself when you're ready but if you wait too long opportunities will pass & you may regret later. Not sure if that's any help?

LegacyUser

dumped wrote: »

Thank you so much for your replies...

I guess no one ever wants to believe that they will get their heartbroken..this was my first long-term relationship so I never knew what to expect, I guess I was just living in a bubble and never believed that it could happen..I just love him so much and feel I will never find someone as great as him, It puts me off wanting another relationship because the emotional pain is just too horrendous to experience again. I never could have imagined how agonizing it is.

Thanks again

I am so sorry to hear this but let me tell you something: this is not the be all, end all of you and relationships! I tell my friends the same thing when they break up out a long relationship! YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE honestly! The heartbreak is all part of life and when you do meet someone you will be find it scary and daunting! It's a journey in life that unfortunately we all have to make sometimes.. I have been through something similar and the hurt was unreal. But now I'm in a new relationship just over a year and a half together, and when I look back on the previous one I always wonder why I let myself get so depressed over it! I have learnt lessons which I will keep forever and I just hope you will stay positive because negativity is a bad road to go down!
Keep your chin up and smile! There is definitely light at the end of this tunnel