Sex on first date, what does he want now?

Justme2210

Basically if you get physical (stay over, foreplay etc) on the first date and the guy wants to see you again how can you be sure what he wants. Now personally I think whatever goes on between two people is their business, I had an 11 year relationship and a child from a one night stand but I know there are a lot of double standards, guys are hard to read too & we women overanalyse.

Should you ask outright on your second meeting, would he find that too full-on or play it by ear, bear in mind at my age going with the flow is not easy.

Piliger

Hi OP. What do YOU want ?

If you want to see him again, just call him and ask him if he's free for drinks/dinner .... he can only say yes or no.

bouncebouncey

You had sex with a guy on the first date and now you are thinking about asking him flat out on the second date if he wants a relationship?

Personally speaking if you got super intense (and you give off that vibe a little in your post) I'd think you were way too full on. I'm all for being up front but 'going with the flow' is generally what happens on the first few dates.

I don't see what your age has to do with not being able to go with the flow. Just see how things develop and don't make a huge deal out of it. As you get to know each other you'll soon enough see what both of you want.

Justme2210

He has already asked to see me, I want to see him we had a fun night. I just got back to tell him when available as I wasn't sure initially when suited, what we will be doing I don't know.

Justme2210

Bounceybounce, I never said I was going to ask him where we in a relationship, a relationship after one date, heavens lol I'm just uneasy and yes it does get harder with age, past experiences, well for me it does, wasn't an issue at 25

cloptrop

You had sex with him the first time you met him. He probably wont ever be able to trust you 100 per cent because you can jump into bed with a stranger on meeting them. Hed be afraid to leave you in the house to let the plumber in or go to a nightckub with your friends. I wouldnt have a relationship with a girl who jumped into bed as soon as she met me.
Maybe you should show a bit of restraint with the next fella you meet. You also sound like you are having a bit of a moment where you are realising you are a certain age and srill single . Thatll come across as a bit desparate bottle it up.
Asking him on the second date of his intentions is awkward if you are oretending to be just having fun.
He may however believe that he was just so hot that you couldnt resist him . This will be good for you short term but bad for you long term because you will be with a man with a huge misplaced ego . I hope i was helpful but honest.

bouncebouncey

Justme2210 wrote: »

Should you ask outright on your second meeting, would he find that too full-on or play it by ear, bear in mind at my age going with the flow is not easy.

Sorry if I took you up wrong. I'm not sure what this means then.

What are you thinking about asking him outright on your second meeting?

Justme2210

We didn't have sex, fooled about a lot. I haven't been with anyone for over 2 years so wondering what to do with next guy is probably not an option for a long time and I've never shagged a plumber lol I'm not too worried about his ego just I messed up a bit imo.

I don't know exactly what I would say bounceybounce or if I should say anything, that's why I'm posting here.

cloptrop

Justme2210 wrote: »

We didn't have sex, fooled about a lot. I haven't been with anyone for over 2 years and I've never shagged a plumber lol I'm not too worried about his ego just I messed up a bit.

Andont
let him know you asked advice on it here or leave any books or pamphlets on how to find love lying around the house.

bouncebouncey

Sorry I still don't follow.

You don't know what you should say about what?

Justme2210

Why would I do that cloptrop?.... :eek:

Justme2210

I thought it was obvious from OP, is it just sex stuff? Suppose just have to wait see & not get heavy as you say, thanks. Every person's attitudes are different re. this subject.

bouncebouncey

Justme2210 wrote: »

I thought it was obvious from OP, is it just sex stuff?

Is what just sex stuff? Clear as mud I'm afraid.

Should you talk to him about sex? Is that what you are asking?

Justme2210

lol I give up. Ok maybe put it another way, is it ok to ask to go a bit slower if it gets to that stage next time, if you feel uncomfortable or is that wierd too?

Zombrex

Justme2210 wrote: »

Basically if you get physical (stay over, foreplay etc) on the first date and the guy wants to see you again how can you be sure what he wants.

You can't because he probably isn't sure what he wants. It is after all just one date. He doesn't know you yet, how can he know if he wants a long term relationship with you. He might get to know you and find out that you are not what he is looking for.

People in this country need to learn how to date a bit better, like the Americans do. Here we think that if you go on a date with someone, sleep with him/her, you are basically in a relationship. This is despite not knowing each other well at all.

At this early stage you don't need to know what he wants. You simply need to be happy with the period that it will take for you and him to both discover this. You need to be happy that you are getting to know each other and that he might at the end of it decide actually he doesn't want to go out with you.

Or to put it another way you need to stop wondering if you are currently in a relationship or not and be prepared to see how it goes.

If you are concerned that sex is confusing the issue then the easiest solution to that is to say you want to take it slow and get to know each other before you have sex again. If it fizzles out after that then you have your answer as to whether he was just happy to be getting sex.

Justme2210

That's great thanks. People keep talking about relationships, I don't think I am in one, I don't see that in my posts, I wouldn't even suggest that for months but I do want to know if someone just wants mostly sex, f*ck buddy etc. I guess that will be clear soon enough.

Zombrex

Justme2210 wrote: »

That's great thanks. People keep talking about relationships, I don't think I am in one, I don't see that in my posts, I wouldn't even suggest that for months but I do want to know if someone just wants mostly sex, f*ck buddy etc. I guess that will be clear soon enough.

If you don't want a relationship then what do you want? If you don't want a physical relationship, and you don't want a romanic relationship, are you just looking for a friend?

cloptrop

Justme2210 wrote: »

That's great thanks. People keep talking about relationships, I don't think I am in one, I don't see that in my posts, I wouldn't even suggest that for months but I do want to know if someone just wants mostly sex, f*ck buddy etc. I guess that will be clear soon enough.

Thats all he will want from you now you have shown you are just a good time girl and not relationship material

daisybelle2008

Justme2210 wrote: »

lol I give up. Ok maybe put it another way, is it ok to ask to go a bit slower if it gets to that stage next time, if you feel uncomfortable or is that wierd too?

I Agee with some of the other posts (except cloptrop) You seem so unsure of yourself and your desires. Why would you need to ask him if it is 'ok' to take it slow?.. You don't need his permission to go at a pace that suits you. Decide what you want and be true to yourself. There is no harm in being physical early IF you are a confident go with the flow person, but if you are going to be full of regrets, judging yourself and more concerned with how the man views you than how you enjoyed it, then leave it off the table, you don't need to explain that or ask any 'questions' about it on a first date.

Justme2210

That's right cloptrop, I'm a good time girl, a whore a slut... cheers.

I do want a relationship with someone but it has to be the right person so it takes time to get to know someone so I wouldn't call anything a relationship after one or two dates. I was to find someone decent, been there or done that.

Is it just me or is the posting style very agressive here?

Katgurl

Some of the most bizarre advice I've seen on boards in a while here, and as for Cloptrop if you are not trolling, you are downright offensive. How dare you say the OP is coming across as desperate and intense for going to bed with a man or painting her as some bridget jones type saddo with selfhelp books lying all over the house. She hadn't been with someone for 2 years, she desired some intimacy, how does that make her desperate?

OP its not entirely clear what you're asking but I think you're saying - you would like to see him again & maybe see how it goes despite a few reservations but now that you've already slept with him does that mean the expectation is there for you to continue?

If that is correct then yes, absolutely, I've done it a few times - ended up in bed with someone i've fancied for a while first night i was with him because my hormones ran away with me then afterwards put the brakes on physically.

I would proceed like this - for your next date make sure it IS a going-out somewhere date and not just meeting at his for a movie / food. Start again in your own head ie. look at him with new eyes & see do you actually like this guy. If you do then I would keep it light by at some stage in the evening when you are both relaxed and getting on well say casually "about the other night... it was great staying over, i really had a good time... but its not like me to get into bed with someone so quickly, I don't know what came over me to be honest (throw him a flirty look here)... would it be ok if we slowed down that side of things?" He'll be flattered and unless he's a complete tw@t he will have no problem slowing things down.

You haven't said what age you are specifically but at least 36 presumably so I can understand if you are new to the dating game it is confusing - it is VERY different to being 25. I have found that men in their 30's looking to meet someone can be equally confused. More often than not (based on my experiences of talkign to male friends) they are not just after $ex and often want to take it slow & get to know the woman, you might be surprised, he could be relieved with your suggestion. If he's not and acts pi$$ed off well then you know not to waste anymore time with him because he's a tosser.

Corkblowin

cloptrop wrote: »

Thats all he will want from you now you have shown you are just a good time girl and not relationship material

You seriously need to broaden your mind & realise that not all men are like you.

OP - one night stands can turn into relationships, or can just fizzle out after the initial buzz. Same can be said of any relationship, no matter how long it's left before reaching that stage. You can't know until you've had several dates.

If you like this guys company then go hang out, have dates, if you're not sure that you want to have a serious physical relationship yet then say that - if he's interested he'll hang around. Try to relax & enjoy the journey. Good luck

daisybelle2008

Justme2210 wrote: »

That's right cloptrop, I'm a good time girl, a whore a slut... cheers.

I do want a relationship with someone but it has to be the right person so it takes time to get to know someone so I wouldn't call anything a relationship after one or two dates. I was to find someone decent, been there or done that.

Is it just me or is the posting style very agressive here?

That poster is best to be ignored. Don't over think things and just have fun. Put yourself first and be happy. Worry less about what the guy is looking for and just go with what feels good and right for you. Hopefully he will be on the same wavelength and not a complete misogynist like that poster. What's for you won't pass by you;-)

Katgurl

Zombrex wrote: »

If you don't want a relationship then what do you want? If you don't want a physical relationship, and you don't want a romanic relationship, are you just looking for a friend?

She doesn't want a relationship with him NOW because she hasn't gotten to know him yet.

She is new back into the dating game & asking if it will come across weird if she rewinds progress on the intimate side of things.

Everyone, if you have a problem with a post please report it and don't drag the thread off topic
please also try to keep replies helpful and civil, thank you

Justme2210

At last, thanks girls, I wanted to pm one of ye but doesn't seem that I can yet, some background stuff.

bouncebouncey

Justme2210 wrote: »

lol I give up. Ok maybe put it another way, is it ok to ask to go a bit slower if it gets to that stage next time, if you feel uncomfortable or is that wierd too?

Right I get you now. Of course it's okay to say you're not comfortable and you'd like to dial it back a notch. You certainly aren't obliged to do anything with him on a second date just because you had a feel and a fumble on the first.

If it gets to that kind of stage again where its hot and heavy but you want to put the brakes on then do.

Aside from that just see how it goes with him.

Justme2210

Sounds perfect, thanks ... was talking there with him, feel bit more relaxed