Help me Make Sense

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I dated a guy for a couple of months. Was happy enough in the relationship, had a minor fight and he ended things. Gave a very vague explaination that things weren;t going to work out but that he cared for me and would stay in touch. Have to say I was pretty shocked as didn't really see it coming but I accepted it. I did think he would regret his decision and come back but he never did. He also never made contact. I was going through a bit of a tough time when we were together - work stress and also many of my friends were no longer around so that was an adjustment. I had confided all of this to the guy but I didn't let it impact the relationship or take it out on him.

I started to move on and forget about him but then I heard that he had started seeing someone else pretty much straight away. This was a huge set back and it knocked me for six. To make matter worse I found out that I actually know this girl - not friends per se but our paths do cross profesionally and personally. I have become very fixated on this whole thing now. I know its not helpful but started to wonder if he was seeing this girl when he was with me? Did he ever really care for me at all? Why he never made contact when he said he would and he knew I was going through rough patch. I also feel that he was kind of rubbing my nose in things by parading this new girl so quickly after me - he introduced to mutual friends/acquaintainces straight away while I was still coming to terms with the break-up. He knew that I was very upset when we broke up/

Now I hear he;s attending concerts and holidays that we had planned together with her and it is so painful. I know people will say keep busy, distract yourself etc. Have tired all of that but i find I have become a bit obsessed with trying to figure this out and probably never will. I know he has the right to end the relationships and move on but I do feel that he has treated me quite badly and coldly and am not sure if I am justified in feeling that?

Can anyone offer some opinions or insight please? Ways to stop obsessing? I also feel like a fool as I really thought this guy was into me!

ManOfMystery

To be honest OP, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but you went out for 2 months - not 2 years or 2 decades. It wasn't that long a time really and perhaps he just wasn't that into the relationship? I can understand that you on the other hand were, and thus it's difficult to see him with a new girl, but there are no rules as to when people can move on and meet a new partner. He could probably show a little more sensitivity, but I would expect that more if it had been a very long-term relationship which both of you were heavily invested in. You know you need to stop obsessing over this so my advice is to get out more with your friends, meet new guys and new people, make the most of the things you enjoy in life so that you're not dwelling as much on the things which make you unhappy.

judgefudge

Firstly, this is relatively common, you're not the only person to come out of a brief relationship obsessing about what went wrong. God knows I've been there. Sometimes you just have to accept that you may never know. It's probably simply that he didn't feel strongly enough about it. I don't say that to hurt you but that's generally why things fade out for no reason.

So he's moved on, he is entitled to as you say. It's hard but you just have to get past it. Time will help with that. As for him not getting in contact, that may be a blessing in disguise. If he did keep contact with you would you not feel it even harder to let go? Many people say they want to stay friends at the end of a relationship either to make it easier to break up or because they genuinely like the person, but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't happen.

The only thing you can do is focus on your own life, that doesn't need to be your love life necessarily but any aspect of your life. Like work, friends, take up a new hobby.

It sounds like such a cliche but give it time. You may obsess for a few more weeks and then suddenly one day realise you haven't thought about him in days, weeks etc

Good luck x

Merkin

I'm a seasoned campaigner who is now happily married but I can tell you the worst heartbreak I ever felt was after a brief dalliance of three months, it nearly broke me! So OP I can understand how this could and would devastate you, especially if it came as a big shock.

In answer to your question, there is probably a good chance he was interested and/or involved with this girl while still with you. I also think you will never know for definite why he suddenly went cold on you and for that reason I'd just assume it was because he didn't care enough to be with you, as simplistic and brutal as that sounds.

Sounds to me like you are fishing and snooping for information so put a stop to that. Tell friends you don't want to discuss his new relationship, block them on social networking sights and delete all his texts and emails. Obsession is fed by repeated behaviour so you need to break the cycle if you are indulging in any of these things.

You will feel better soon. Be thankful he cut contact with you and be thankful he didn't string you along for longer.

Mighty_Mouse

He clearly wasn't into you in the same way.
But he probably feels the same way about this new girl as you did with him.
It's just human nature. There is no explanation.
It's not your hair, clothes, personality or whatever. He just didn't feel the same.

You are making the mistake of focusing on the guy & not the relationship.
Why would you want a relationship with someone who doesnt feel the same about you?

Piliger

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

e.

You are making the mistake of focusing on the guy & not the relationship.
Why would you want a relationship with someone who doesnt feel the same about you?

I agree wholeheartedly.