Best friends NOT forever??

xXLaneyXx

Hi All,

I hope some of you can give me some advice on this. My best friend for years and I have hit a brick wall all over her boyfriend.

She has been seeing him for 2 years and over that space of time they have broken up at least 8 times. This was due to him cheating on her on a couple of occasions, and generally treating her very poorly.

Every time this happens I'm there for her, her shoulder to cry on. Agreeing with her that he's a bad one etc etc. She was truly devastated back in June when after they arrived home from holidays. (one she has paid for as he had no money).
I had begged her not to go on the holiday as I knew he was just using her to get away because his behaviour up until this had been appalling as usual.
But she went, she rang me every day while she was there crying as he had left her on her own at night and went of with a crowd he had met. He was drunk most of the week and paid little or no attention to her. They flew home at the end of the week and at baggage collection he dumped her saying he didnt want to be with her anymore. Lifted his bag and had a mate waiting outside to lift him. Left her on her own at the airport to find her own way home. (3 hrs away)

That night I went to collect her she was a complete mess. Completely and utterly devastated that he had done this to her. She was broken.
I spent the next number of weeks with her trying to get her back on track. Took her away for a weekend of pampering, days out, and generally just spending time with her so that she knew she wasnt alone. By this stage she has hit rock bottom, she has lost over 2 stone in weight and her hair had even started falling out due to stress and constant upset and anxiety. I made sure she went to see a doctor and who advised her to see a councellor which she agreed to.
I honestly thought things were starting to improve, she turned a corner and I could see a spark coming back.

Then all of a sudden it went quiet on her side
Texts were few and phonecalls were awkward and brief.
I knew she had gone back to him. He had been constantly texting her and calling her which she had ignored for so long but obviously gave in.

Now nothin. I tried to ring her numerous time over the last two weeks and get no call back just a text saying she's busy. I've heard from others she's back with him and they've been out together and such like.

I feel completely disheartened and I'm both sad and angry with her for doing this to herself.
She obviously feels she cant tell me he's back on the scene.
I just cant belive it. I havent confronted her or asked her anything as I thought she would come to me in her own time.

Im tired of picking up the pieces. She's my best friend in the whole world and there's nothing I wouldnt do for her but I cant keep watching her make these mistakes.
But what do I do when it all goes wrong again?? When she rings crying and wanting me to make her feel better.

So sorry for the long post people but any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks everyone.

Piliger

Hi OP. I am so sorry about what has happened - but ... you cannot live her life for her. I know you care about her and feel for her. I know you have to pick up the pieces after. But you have to step back and let her do what it is she is determined to do. There is only so much you can do, so much you can say ... now it's up to her.

I know you are afraid of losing her. But that too has to be left to her, and it is most unlikely.

Being a best friend is a wonderful thing. But it is also tough at times. The toughest thing is to know when to be there and when to leave well enough alone. I know it is difficult. Very difficult.

Stay calm and wait. Let things unfold. Things might improve for her. But if she falls back and comes to you - you need to be strong FOR HER ... and give her some tough love. Tell her you are really really sorry about her issue, but that you can't continue any more. Tell her you are her best friend and you want to stay like that ... but she can't keep coming to you each time she fights with this guy. And you have to stick with it.

Best of luck.

tinkerbell

OP, the only thing I can tell you is that you are not to be the one who she comes to again when it all goes pear-shaped again. Right now, you are ALWAYS there to pick up the pieces, then she goes back to him again, he treats her like crap, and she's back to you again to help her get through the pain. I agree with the previous poster to give her some tough love. Tell her you are her best friend but you are not dealing with this boyfriend crap any longer. You have told her he is no good for her and she keeps going back to him. So I would say that if it goes belly-up again, that she is not to call you, she is on her own.

There's only so many times you can help someone if it's about the same problem and they keep repeating the behaviour to make the problem happen again, it's just encouraging the behaviour. She'll never learn from her mistakes otherwise.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. Up to this point you have been the best friend you can be to her. That's to be commended.

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

But what do I do when it all goes wrong again?? When she rings crying and wanting me to make her feel better.

Pre-empt it. Send her an email telling her what you've told us. Explain that you simply cannot enable her self-destructive behavior any longer. She's free to do what she wants but there's no reason why you should be dragged into this any more than you have been. It might just be the wake-up call she needs. You've done the best you can for her, time she is left to her own devices.

hi op, im going to kind of go against the other replies you have had here.
she is a good friend, so why is she afraid to tell you she is back with her boyfriend?
she knows how you feel about him, perhaps everytime they break up you point out how bad he is etc etc. thats human, its normal to do that.

i would advise acting differently however, just tell her that you are HER friend and if she needs you, you will be there. if, and probably when, it all finishes again, be there for her. but dont bad mouth him. tell her she needs to look after herself, maybe let her rant about him, but if i was you i wouldnt say anything against him.
maybe tell her you dont really know him, you dont like to see her upset etc, she should be treated really well, but refrain from bad mouthing him.

thats probably why she is afraid to tell you now.

unless of course you are completely sick of her behaviour and you're not interested in being friends with her anymore. in that case go with the advise you have already been given.

Mighty_Mouse

It's her life.

Seperate her from her relationship.
Tell her you can't be there for support in terms of her relationship but you will gladly be her friend.

Piliger

With respect to a suggestion above, OP, I would suggest that contacting her in the middle of what 'may' be a smooth and happy period she may be having with this guy - with an announcement that you don't want to be her support any more would be worse than a bad course of action.
But over analysing what it going on is also a mistake. Have you spoken to her recently ? exchanged texts ? I suggest you text her and suggest a coffee and adopt your NEW cheerful attitude where you don't get into anything concerning her BF and steer the chat away from it whenever possible. Let her be an optimist if she wants to be, however short lived you may be convinced it will be. Get on with being just general friends.
If or when the crash comes, adopt a new less-emotionally-involved position while still being her friend. You know you have to look after YOURSELF too.

stevek93

Hi OP, sorry this had happened to you had the same problem with my friends you do so much for someone and just throw it back in your face. From what I've learnt unless you do you a favour back they are not worth your time.

xXLaneyXx

Hi all,

I'm back again, and maybe looking for some guidance.

Since posting here last, my friend came to me and said that she was back with her ex and for me "not to go mad" with her.
I told her that it was entirely up to her but that I really didnt like the lad and that that after all the times he's hurt her I can't pretend that I do.
That week end we arranged a night out, just us and another friend of hers. Unfortunately the night turned sour, her ex turned up and she completely blanked me the rest of the night and stayed by his side. He didnt speak to me nor I to him, I was sat there like a plum and decided to go home early as they both had disappeared of somewhere.
She has since turned against me and completely cut me out of her life. She said to a mutual friend "Why does she hate him so much?", " Why did she delete him of FB?"
"Why does she not support me?" This girl is 26 years old, not a teenager. She knows exactly why but maintains this is all my fault.

After so many years of being inseperable and being like sisters she has decided to cut me out of her life for him. I havent heard from her in weeks now, and its upset me so much, it feels like im going through a bereavement.
She just cant seem to see beyond this guy. Our mutual friend has tried to talk to her but she doesnt want to talk about anything only him.

Where do I go from here?
I rang her 2 weeks ago and left a voicemail and nothing. I've texted and gotten no reply. How has she become so hard and uncaring?

Any replies would be very much appreciated.

Thanks x

daisybelle2008

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm back again, and maybe looking for some guidance.

Since posting here last, my friend came to me and said that she was back with her ex and for me "not to go mad" with her.
I told her that it was entirely up to her but that I really didnt like the lad and that that after all the times he's hurt her I can't pretend that I do.
That week end we arranged a night out, just us and another friend of hers. Unfortunately the night turned sour, her ex turned up and she completely blanked me the rest of the night and stayed by his side. He didnt speak to me nor I to him, I was sat there like a plum and decided to go home early as they both had disappeared of somewhere.
She has since turned against me and completely cut me out of her life. She said to a mutual friend "Why does she hate him so much?", " Why did she delete him of FB?"
"Why does she not support me?" This girl is 26 years old, not a teenager. She knows exactly why but maintains this is all my fault.

After so many years of being inseperable and being like sisters she has decided to cut me out of her life for him. I havent heard from her in weeks now, and its upset me so much, it feels like im going through a bereavement.
She just cant seem to see beyond this guy. Our mutual friend has tried to talk to her but she doesnt want to talk about anything only him.

Where do I go from here?
I rang her 2 weeks ago and left a voicemail and nothing. I've texted and gotten no reply. How has she become so hard and uncaring?

Any replies would be very much appreciated.

Thanks x

If you cannot be friends with her because of how you feel about her boyfriend I would say you need you need to just let it go. You say she is hard and uncaring, but that is how you look to her. Not saying you are right or wrong. But right now she comes as a package and you are only knocking your head against a wall if you can't accept that. I would be inclined to just leave it and play the long game. Eventually she will cop on and your friendship will get back on track, but evidently not while he is on the scene. Sit tight and wait a while, could be months or years. In the meantime develop other friendships and don't rely on her. Best friendships often break up because of boyfriends, what has happened for me is it has often forced me to make new friendships that were just a good if not stronger.

Rachelmhr

This may seem heartless but I've been through the exact same thing..
You cannot help her - and you shouldnt try to anymore. I know she's your best friend and you're like sisters but it's clear to me that she has her head in the clouds and thinks this chap is the best thing for her.

Believe you me - I went through the exact same thing with my very close friend. She must have been off her head to get back with her bf over and over and over and OVER again... I swear it must have been over 10-15 times in a period of 3 years.

It all came to a head where I literally could not take it anymore. I even had her bf texting me with threats because I kept telling her she was mad to stay with someone who treats her like a piece of sh*t on the end of his shoe...

So I left them to it! Stopped going out with her and stopped being there for her and yes, that may seem heartless but I have to look after number 1! And me helping her for 3 years was a waste of time so I was no longer putting myself through that!

She did finish with him for a year - she's back with him now and the saddest part of it all she is a totally different person now she's not the happy go lucky girl I once knew and it does break my heart but when you've done all you can do you do have to draw a line somwhere!

I am really sorry to hear about your dilemma as it sounds like this girl really is your other half

You just need to remember that you did your best - but some people just choose not to be helped!

xXLaneyXx

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

If you cannot be friends with her because of how you feel about her boyfriend I would say you need you need to just let it go. You say she is hard and uncaring, but that is how you look to her. Not saying you are right or wrong. But right now she comes as a package and you are only knocking your head against a wall if you can't accept that. I would be inclined to just leave it and play the long game. Eventually she will cop on and your friendship will get back on track, but evidently not while he is on the scene. Sit tight and wait a while, could be months or years. In the meantime develop other friendships and don't rely on her. Best friendships often break up because of boyfriends, what has happened for me is it has often forced me to make new friendships that were just a good if not stronger.

Hi daisybell,
Thanks for the reply, I have told her that Im there for her no matter what. If she wants to be with him then I'll not say a word. She knows I care as i have told her time and time again. I've never been in his company really, I barely know him so nothing has changed in that respect.
I only ever go to see her and not him because we live almost an hour away from each other.
I've never once let her down, and I never would. I dont want to forget her, I'd do anything for the girl.
.

xXLaneyXx

Rachelmhr wrote: »

This may seem heartless but I've been through the exact same thing..
You cannot help her - and you shouldnt try to anymore. I know she's your best friend and you're like sisters but it's clear to me that she has her head in the clouds and thinks this chap is the best thing for her.

Believe you me - I went through the exact same thing with my very close friend. She must have been off her head to get back with her bf over and over and over and OVER again... I swear it must have been over 10-15 times in a period of 3 years.

It all came to a head where I literally could not take it anymore. I even had her bf texting me with threats because I kept telling her she was mad to stay with someone who treats her like a piece of sh*t on the end of his shoe...

So I left them to it! Stopped going out with her and stopped being there for her and yes, that may seem heartless but I have to look after number 1! And me helping her for 3 years was a waste of time so I was no longer putting myself through that!

She did finish with him for a year - she's back with him now and the saddest part of it all she is a totally different person now she's not the happy go lucky girl I once knew and it does break my heart but when you've done all you can do you do have to draw a line somwhere!

I am really sorry to hear about your dilemma as it sounds like this girl really is your other half

You just need to remember that you did your best - but some people just choose not to be helped!

Thanks Rachelmhr,

It sounds like you know exactly what im going through. It's so heartbreaking. I even had someone come to me not to long ago asking about her, tat she wasnt the same bubbly girl she used to be and that person even commented on how poorly she looked.
All i did was try to look out for her.
On many occasions she even said "I wish someone would stick up for me and tell him him exactly what he is".. so now when i did stick up her she's turned against me.
Its hard to get my head around.

daisybelle2008

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Hi daisybell,
Thanks for the reply, I have told her that Im there for her no matter what. If she wants to be with him then I'll not say a word. She knows I care as i have told her time and time again. I've never been in his company really, I barely know him so nothing has changed in that respect.
I only ever go to see her and not him because we live almost an hour away from each other.
I've never once let her down, and I never would. I dont want to forget her, I'd do anything for the girl.
.

OK you say you'd do anything. How about you try to get to know her boyfriend as a person. Give him a chance. If as you say you barely know him and haven't met him much you are basing your opinion on 3rd hand information. I have always found these situations are never as black and white as one person paints it. I know you see your friend as a saint etc. But maybe get to know him a bit and you might change your perspective. There are always two sides to these relationships and of course you are biased towards your friend. At least get to know him and see his side, you might find it is not as clear cut as your friend is painting it. He must have a good side, I am sure she is not a complete fool.

Mini

Great post by Daisybelle - the way I see it OP you have two choices

1: walk away and play the long game. She knows that you are there if she needs you.

2: Get to know him - at least try. As Daisybelle said there are two sides to every story.

With option two at least you will know that you did everything that you possibly could. If after all that it doesn't work out - go back to option one. Walk away and leave her find you. Contact her every now and again on FB saying hi, hope all is well etc nice, generic chit chat nothing to heavy. At least she will know that you are there when and if the time comes.

I think it is also important to know that friendships don't sometimes move too easily from teenagers to adults. We don't always hold on to our childhood friends and sometimes we just have to let go. I hope it works out for you.

kunst nugget

Would you not be happy to have someone that idiotic out of your life? Life has enough ups and downs in it without having to deal with the repeated stupidity of an obvious cretin. From reading your posts, it sounds like she probably told the boyfriend everything that happened while they were broken up including your advice to her. You're never going to have a friendship with her while she is being led by your man. To be fair, why would you want to? She sounds like a serious moron.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Hello OP. I know this is upsetting for you but I agree with the previous posters. The best thing you can do is take a step back and leave her be for the moment. She's obviously lost all common sense and is obsessed with this guy. Eventually she will come around but you need to let her make her own mistakes. It's the only way she will learn. It will take time but she will eventually realise that you were only trying to do your best for her.

In the meantime keep yourself occupied and try and meet some new people. Best of luck!

DaisyD2

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Hi daisybell,
Thanks for the reply, I have told her that Im there for her no matter what. If she wants to be with him then I'll not say a word. She knows I care as i have told her time and time again. I've never been in his company really, I barely know him so nothing has changed in that respect.
I only ever go to see her and not him because we live almost an hour away from each other.
I've never once let her down, and I never would. I dont want to forget her, I'd do anything for the girl.
.

OK you say you'd do anything. How about you try to get to know her boyfriend as a person. Give him a chance. If as you say you barely know him and haven't met him much you are basing your opinion on 3rd hand information. I have always found these situations are never as black and white as one person paints it. I know you see your friend as a saint etc. But maybe get to know him a bit and you might change your perspective. There are always two sides to these relationships and of course you are biased towards your friend. At least get to know him and see his side, you might find it is not as clear cut as your friend is painting it. He must have a good side, I am sure she is not a complete fool.

It would NOT matter if she trys to get to know him. In my personal experience the wedge is made when the friend uses you as a crutch to bitch, moan, confide, cry & lean on during the bad times. She knows that she has told You all his bad points & projects on to you what she deep deep down knows to be true - He is No Good! He has distanced her from friends & family, belittled her, cheated repeatedly & He Knows she has then come running to you for comfort & assistance & told you all his worst faults. He doesn't want to get to know her best friend, he blanks you at every opportunity.

In this case he turns up to a small girls night & somehow manages to remove her from the group. Its an insidious situation, it would be better to have a blazing row that you could point a finger at & say mea culpa.

OP you are very right it is like a bereavement & I'm afraid to say that unless she removes her rose tinted glasses there is NOTHING YOU can do. By all means say you will be there - you have done so - but You now need to Move on in the knowledge your friendship imo will not survive.

In my case my friend eventually did leave the guy but you know what she married the next one. My best friend of 30+ yrs, to whom I was to be bridesmaid for (previously arranged wedding) never even introduced me to her now husband.

Took me a long time to come to terms with fact it wasn't me but her. I simply knew too much so She kept me & them (last 3 long term serious boyfriends) apart so that I never got to see any "good sides". I was just in wings if it didn't work out.

Btw ask yourself this - Has she Ever been there for you in time of need? Truely?

When I look back I realised my "bff" had never been, I was a wingwoman & shoulder to cry on but when I needed her she was never around.

You can only do what you have done.

Be at peace

daisybelle2008

[QUOTE=DaisyD2;80652640]It would NOT matter if she trys to get to know him.
Be at peace[/QUOTE]

You or I or anyone else can not make that assumption! It requires an open mindedness that may be hard for most people, but you honestly cannot know the outcome, you can only guess. Nothing is that black or white and we have scant 3rd hard information.

The OP says she barely knows this guy. Why on earth should anyone not make up their own mind about a person? I for one have never relied on the opinions of others about people, in my experience there can be a big difference to how I feel about the person when I get to know them myself.

You don't need to get to know the guy when you can see a massive difference in your friend and know the cause. If nothing else has happened in her life, no other changes but him, and they result in her becoming miserable, complaining about him all the time, looking poorly - you don't need to know him to know there is a problem.
This isn't a "I heard john's horrible" "right well I'll hate him so" situation

DaisyD2

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

[QUOTE=DaisyD2;80652640]It would NOT matter if she trys to get to know him.
Be at peace

You or I or anyone else can not make that assumption! It requires an open mindedness that may be hard for most people, but you honestly cannot know the outcome, you can only guess. Nothing is that black or white and we have scant 3rd hard information.

The OP says she barely knows this guy. Why on earth should anyone not make up their own mind about a person? I for one have never relied on the opinions of others about people, in my experience there can be a big difference to how I feel about the person when I get to know them myself.[/Quote]

Can the same then not be said of him? He has made no attempt to get to know his partners friends, he turns up to a girls night & isolates her from group. How has he made any attempt to get yo know Any of her friends.

My point was directed to the OP based on her (admittedly) one side of picture & on my own personal first hand experience. I grew up with bff just like OPs & I also have another BFF who I am in regular contact with both her & her partners.

The problem the OP is having, imo, has nothing to do with boyfriend but in her friends handling of same

daisybelle2008

bluewolf wrote: »

You don't need to get to know the guy when you can see a massive difference in your friend and know the cause. If nothing else has happened in her life, no other changes but him, and they result in her becoming miserable, complaining about him all the time, looking poorly - you don't need to know him to know there is a problem.
This isn't a "I heard john's horrible" "right well I'll hate him so" situation

DaisyD2 wrote: »

Can the same then not be said of him? He has made no attempt to get to know his partners friends, he turns up to a girls night & isolates her from group. How has he made any attempt to get yo know Any of her friends.

My point was directed to the OP based on her (admittedly) one side of picture & on my own personal first hand experience. I grew up with bff just like OPs & I also have another BFF who I am in regular contact with both her & her partners.

The problem the OP is having, imo, has nothing to do with boyfriend but in her friends handling of same

Absolutely. I have found that life is easier when we are open minded an give people a chance. It is an option for the OP to consider or not as she sees fit. Life has a funny way of showing you a different side of people when you are open minded and make an effort. It is definitely not easy and not for everyone. But it can be surprising how grey these black and white situations become when we don't take sides. If I took peoples word (even family) on who my friends should be or what they are like before I got to know the situation in a balanced way, not matter how sure I was of a situation, my life would be very narrow and opinionated.
The OP is free to take her friends side, although not sure that is working for her, so there is another path is the suggestion.

Piliger

Hi OP. I sympathise with your predicament but this is all about your choices. She clearly doesn't see this guy the way you see him and you have to remember that it is her life to live, not yours.

Fine - you don't like him. That is your burden. You can chose to 'get on' with him or not. You have chosen not to. Your choosing not to has destroyed your friendship, yet you feel that you consider your dislike of him more important than your like for her.

That may seem clinical, but that is what is happening.

From her point of view she is crazy about her boyfriend and her girlfriend doesn't approve of him. What is she to do ? drop him just because you don't like him ? Maybe you feel this is the case. But it is unreasonable can't you see ?

Life is often about choices, simple if tough choices. You are at a crossroads now and you have to choose which path you prefer. Do you want your friend more than you dislike him. You choose.

LegacyUser

She said to a mutual friend "Why does she hate him so much?", " Why did she delete him of FB?"
"Why does she not support me?" This girl is 26 years old, not a teenager. She knows exactly why but maintains this is all my fault.

It's misdirected frustration/anger. She is blaming you for her crap relationship because she knows you're her safety net, you'll be there when she comes crawling back, no matter how much crap she puts you through. She knows she can't blame the actual cause of her crap relationship - him - because she knows damn well if she challenges his behaviour, she won't see him for dust.

OP do you not think that perhaps the reason she keeps going back to him is because she knows you'll be there to pick up the pieces when he treats her like crap.
All you're doing is enabling the situation to continue.

If you really cared about her you'd let her deal with these breakups on her own, so she can fully accept the consequences of her own actions for a change, instead of having someone fawn over her doing the old "poor you, sure he's noting but a b***ard" line.

I have told her that Im there for her no matter what.

I dont want to forget her, I'd do anything for the girl.

This is a seriously unhealthy stance to adopt imho.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but at this stage it is her own fault for choosing to accept this guys behaviour. Yeah ok, maybe the guy is a prick, who knows, but he's not to blame any more, she knows what he's like, she keeps going back, it is her own fault, she (and you) need to accept that, so by being there for her and blaming him when the relationship falls apart you're just enabling her behaviour, bad decisions, and poor choices. And actually doing more harm than good.

"I wish someone would stick up for me and tell him him exactly what he is"

OP this girl needs to stop playing the victim card and accept responsibility for her own actions. It is not your place (or anyone else's) to fix her relationship for her. If she is unhappy all she has to do is walk away. She needs to start accepting responsibility for her own poor choices in life.

Its hard to get my head around.

Honestly OP she sounds toxic, she clearly loves creating drama and feeling hard done by, when all of her problems are actually caused by her.

If you really want to save the relationship (although personally i can't understand why you'd want her as a friend after the way she's treated you) then tell her you're sorry you got involved in her relationship and that you care about her and are willing to make an effort to get to know her bf, but make it crystal clear that in the future what happens between her and her bf is between the two of them you don't want to get involved and should they break up you will not be taking sides or be her shoulder to cry on, that too will be between the two of them. Most importantly when the relationship ends again (which it will) remind her of what you said above and stick to it, do not enable her behaviour, do not blame him, let her deal with her actions herself for once in her life. I doubt she will be so quick to go back to him whenn her safety net is removed, and she has no more drama to feed off of.

xXLaneyXx

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You or I or anyone else can not make that assumption! It requires an open mindedness that may be hard for most people, but you honestly cannot know the outcome, you can only guess. Nothing is that black or white and we have scant 3rd hard information.

The OP says she barely knows this guy. Why on earth should anyone not make up their own mind about a person? I for one have never relied on the opinions of others about people, in my experience there can be a big difference to how I feel about the person when I get to know them myself.

Daisybell, he has no interest in getting to know any of her friends. He's 20, and a very immature 20 at that. He'd rather go see his friends and go drinking. There have been numerous occasions when we have all been out together and he failed to show his face and my friend has ended up leaving to go see him instead.
We all have tried at different times to meet them as a couple.
I have seen for myself first hand what this guy is capable of and I still kept stum for a long long time. When you see the damage it has done to her over and over again, am I not right as a freind to her to try and make her see sense?? Is that not what any good friend would do?

I have supported her through everything, I've listened to her time and time again about the ill treatment. I've known the girl for years and she is completely different, She's lost her spark, she's lost her confidence and has made herself sick over him.

I understand when you say give him a chance but can you see it where I'm coming from? None of her close friends like him, her family can't abide him.
As I said I am and I will be there for her, I will support her if she stays with him and i will make an effort but when you're cut out completely, that's quite hard to do.

xXLaneyXx

kunst nugget wrote: »

Would you not be happy to have someone that idiotic out of your life? Life has enough ups and downs in it without having to deal with the repeated stupidity of an obvious cretin. From reading your posts, it sounds like she probably told the boyfriend everything that happened while they were broken up including your advice to her. You're never going to have a friendship with her while she is being led by your man. To be fair, why would you want to? She sounds like a serious moron.

I think you are right here, she's afraid of anyone saying anything to him in case it upsets him and then she will have to take the flack for it. Does he not think that she talks to her friends?? He actually asked her some time back why her freinds "had a problem" with him. I mean , this is after he two timed her twice, dumped her several times and generally treated her like rubbish.
And why can she not understand that we have misgivings about him???
We've listened time and time again about how much she hates him, we've agreed and then we're supposed to change our minds again because its back on??

Am i missing something??

Floppybits

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Daisybell, he has no interest in getting to know any of her friends. He's 20, and a very immature 20 at that. He'd rather go see his friends and go drinking. There have been numerous occasions when we have all been out together and he failed to show his face and my friend has ended up leaving to go see him instead.
We all have tried at different times to meet them as a couple.
I have seen for myself first hand what this guy is capable of and I still kept stum for a long long time. When you see the damage it has done to her over and over again, am I not right as a freind to her to try and make her see sense?? Is that not what any good friend would do?

I have supported her through everything, I've listened to her time and time again about the ill treatment. I've known the girl for years and she is completely different, She's lost her spark, she's lost her confidence and has made herself sick over him.

I understand when you say give him a chance but can you see it where I'm coming from? None of her close friends like him, her family can't abide him.
As I said I am and I will be there for her, I will support her if she stays with him and i will make an effort but when you're cut out completely, that's quite hard to do.

OP unfortunately there is nothing you can do in this situation, all you can do as others have said is send her an email or a note asking her how she is and general chit chat, to let her know the door is open.

From reading your posts I think your friend is embarrassed and that is why she is not communicating with you. What I mean by embarrassed is that she knows you know all about her problems with her boyfriend, the things he has done and yet she still goes back to him, that is what she is embarrassed about. For some reason, only a reason that your friend can answer, your friend is infatuated by this lad and I think this is what she is embarrassed about and this is why she is distancing you.

When you this lad is an immature 20 year old, then you also have to admit your friend is an immature 26 year old. Surely she should have the sense to see that this guy, based on what you have said, is no good for her but yet for some deep underlying reason she cannot be without him. She is like a teenager in the throes of her first real relationship. That leads me to ask you about your friend, is she or was she a confident person before she met this guy? did she have other relationships? did something happen in a previous relationship to make her feel that this is the best she can do?

As I said at the top there is nothing that you can do, all you can do is just be there in shadows as they say and be there for her when decides she might want to come back into your life? But please please dont shut her out, get on with your life but send her an email or note every few weeks to let her know you are thinking of her. Best of luck OP.

daisybelle2008

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Daisybell, he has no interest in getting to know any of her friends. He's 20, and a very immature 20 at that. He'd rather go see his friends and go drinking. There have been numerous occasions when we have all been out together and he failed to show his face and my friend has ended up leaving to go see him instead.
We all have tried at different times to meet them as a couple.
I have seen for myself first hand what this guy is capable of and I still kept stum for a long long time. When you see the damage it has done to her over and over again, am I not right as a freind to her to try and make her see sense?? Is that not what any good friend would do?

I have supported her through everything, I've listened to her time and time again about the ill treatment. I've known the girl for years and she is completely different, She's lost her spark, she's lost her confidence and has made herself sick over him.

I understand when you say give him a chance but can you see it where I'm coming from? None of her close friends like him, her family can't abide him.
As I said I am and I will be there for her, I will support her if she stays with him and i will make an effort but when you're cut out completely, that's quite hard to do.

I'd be with Kunst Nuggett on this so, they seem to deserve each other let them at it and find some mature and considerate friends for yourself!

xXLaneyXx

Floppybits wrote: »

OP unfortunately there is nothing you can do in this situation, all you can do as others have said is send her an email or a note asking her how she is and general chit chat, to let her know the door is open.

From reading your posts I think your friend is embarrassed and that is why she is not communicating with you. What I mean by embarrassed is that she knows you know all about her problems with her boyfriend, the things he has done and yet she still goes back to him, that is what she is embarrassed about. For some reason, only a reason that your friend can answer, your friend is infatuated by this lad and I think this is what she is embarrassed about and this is why she is distancing you.

When you this lad is an immature 20 year old, then you also have to admit your friend is an immature 26 year old. Surely she should have the sense to see that this guy, based on what you have said, is no good for her but yet for some deep underlying reason she cannot be without him. She is like a teenager in the throes of her first real relationship. That leads me to ask you about your friend, is she or was she a confident person before she met this guy? did she have other relationships? did something happen in a previous relationship to make her feel that this is the best she can do?

As I said at the top there is nothing that you can do, all you can do is just be there in shadows as they say and be there for her when decides she might want to come back into your life? But please please dont shut her out, get on with your life but send her an email or note every few weeks to let her know you are thinking of her. Best of luck OP.

Thanks Floppybits,

You are right in that she may be a little immature, she has had relationships in the past but those guys were very good to her. This guy seems to give her the run around and she seems to want him even more.
As you say, its like a teenager in her first dramatic relationship.

kunst nugget

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

I think you are right here, she's afraid of anyone saying anything to him in case it upsets him and then she will have to take the flack for it. Does he not think that she talks to her friends?? He actually asked her some time back why her freinds "had a problem" with him. I mean , this is after he two timed her twice, dumped her several times and generally treated her like rubbish.
And why can she not understand that we have misgivings about him???
We've listened time and time again about how much she hates him, we've agreed and then we're supposed to change our minds again because its back on??

Am i missing something??

Not a bit of it. If you ask me, through her own foolish behaviour, she's always going to have drama in her life. And personally I think that people that repeatedly make foolish mistakes like your friend actually want that drama to make things more interesting for themselves. People have suggested waiting in the shadows for her but I wouldn't bother. It gets seriously tiresome mopping up after someone else's problems for them to continually do the same thing over again. As Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

decmanning

First of all OP you sound like a really good friend to this girl and it sounds like you would really go to the ends of the earth for her, unfortunately this is a very tricky situation, her boyfriend sounds like a horrible man and personally i would not want to get to know someone like that, anyone that dumps a girl at the aiport, leaves her on her own miles and miles from home and then goes off with his mates isnt worthy of any attempt of trying to get to know, it really sounds like that this man has no likeable qualiites so it would be very difficult for you to get to know him,he is just using your friend, he is horrible to your friend and personally i couldnt stomach that and would have to let my friend know of my disapproval, its not like this man is just a bit different and takes a bit of time to get to know, he is just nasty, only thing you can do is let your friend know that you are there for her

xXLaneyXx

decmanning wrote: »

First of all OP you sound like a really good friend to this girl and it sounds like you would really go to the ends of the earth for her, unfortunately this is a very tricky situation, her boyfriend sounds like a horrible man and personally i would not want to get to know someone like that, anyone that dumps a girl at the aiport, leaves her on her own miles and miles from home and then goes off with his mates isnt worthy of any attempt of trying to get to know, it really sounds like that this man has no likeable qualiites so it would be very difficult for you to get to know him,he is just using your friend, he is horrible to your friend and personally i couldnt stomach that and would have to let my friend know of my disapproval, its not like this man is just a bit different and takes a bit of time to get to know, he is just nasty, only thing you can do is let your friend know that you are there for her

Thanks decmanning,
I've told her that im here for her, and she knows whats she means to me but I just cant understand why she's cut me of. We went from ringing each other twice a day , meeting for lunch once a week and meeting at weekends to zilch! I just don't know how she thinks this is ok to do.
It feels like shes just chucked me and couldnt care less:(

Roisy7

Losing a friendship is horrible, it is as definitely as bad as the end of a relationship, sometimes worse. Hugs OP

I have been the overdramatic friend- when I was younger, and up to fairly recently I would dump on one friend in particular all my problems and self-created dramas. I look back and think "how is she still friends with me?"

But at the age of 26 she can't realise how selfish and immature she's being, and how dumb it is to throw away a great friend for a 20-year-idiot, then well, what can I say OP? She's too self-obsessed and stupid. It is a horrible situation but I have a feeling she'll learn her lesson the hard way.

Hope you feel better soon xx

Katgurl

Sorry but I am going to go against everyone here and say cut this girl out of your life at least while this behaviour continues.

Yes she's having a crap time, yes shes self destructing, yes she is embarrassed now blah blah blah

BUT during all this time you have been contacting her and she has been blanking you because of her own stuff. And before that you were looking after her and THAT was because of her stuff too. So it seems it's always about her stuff.

Like seriously, maybe you needed a friend to hang out with the last few weeks, maybe you had stuff going on, maybe you were lonely etc. Why did none of his occur to her? Why isn't she there for you? you are not her minder, it is not your job to make her happy and then quietly disappear when she has someone else. She sounds like a self absorbed b**** tbh. Now maybe that is just the way the dynamic has developed between you but if so you need to readdress it. Friendship is a two way street.

I'd organise some stuff with other friends and get busy if I were you. When (not if) she phones you up hysterically crying I'd tell her what you're doing that weekend and tell her she's welcome to join you but I wouldn't be cancelling plans or dedicating my night to nursing her.

Ellsbells

I agree - it's all about her. Friendship is supposed to go both ways at least some of the time.

DaisyD2

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

I've told her that im here for her, and she knows whats she means to me but I just cant understand why she's cut me of. We went from ringing each other twice a day , meeting for lunch once a week and meeting at weekends to zilch! I just don't know how she thinks this is ok to do. It feels like shes just chucked me and couldnt care less:(

Wow this thread is resonating so strongly for me. This post in particular - I wish I could spare you the months of self analysis your going to experience, well I know I went through months if not years of it!

I questioned everything, every conversation, situation & memory I had with her & for all my questions I never got a single answer because she was just gone!

In the end it was me who came to my senses & said enough, leave her at it if thats what she wants & when the end came, it really was like a death. This was my "sister", we grew up together & she cut me (actually everyone) out of her life.

My last thought to you because its probably coming - the most hurtful thing my friend did was tell others I was in "love" love with her! Get over yourself ya muppet! .... but at the time I couldn't believe she accused me of being obsessed with her because of concern over the relationship that she kept crying on my shoulder over.

Like your friend she just wilted, weight fell off her (she was already bulimic), she was grey & nervous all the time but unless they want to change you really can not help her - save yourself the heartache, leave her to her life, shes chosen him, move on & enjoy your life

Big Bag of Chips

She has cut you off because she is embarrassed. She's embarrassed about things she has said to you. She's embarrassed about how much you know, and she is embarrassed that she has gone back to him again.

You can still be her friend. You can be her friend, seperately to her relationship. You need to try meet up with her (before the next break up) to talk about things.. everything but him!

Tell her (if you think you can) that you love her as friend, and because of that you can't keep going over the same ground with regards him. Tell her you are happy to be her friend, and you love the fun you have together, but it's not fair on you, her or him for her to keep bitching to you about him, and then going back to him again and again.

Yes friends should be there to support each other - but this has gone beyond that.

Piliger

Ellsbells wrote: »

I agree - it's all about her. Friendship is supposed to go both ways at least some of the time.

But friendship does not give you the veto right over relationships.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Piliger wrote: »

But friendship does not give you the veto right over relationships.

That's not what the OP is looking for at all. I think you've misread this thread. She simply wants her friend back, boyfriend or not

Piliger

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

That's not what the OP is looking for at all. I think you've misread this thread. She simply wants her friend back, boyfriend or not

Unfortunately this is exactly what she is doing. She has caused repeated social awkwardness for the girlfriend by refusing to get on with the BF, and she insists on disapproving of him, and bad mouthing him at every turn.
It doesn't matter if she is right about this guy or not. A friend needs to know when to stop and this OP unfortunately doesn't know when to stop. Her friend has clearly lost patience with this behaviour and cut her off.
I am sad that this has happened but the OP needs to learn to live her own life - we cannot be our friend's keeper no matter how passionate we feel about it or how much we care about them.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Piliger wrote: »

Unfortunately this is exactly what she is doing. She has caused repeated social awkwardness for the girlfriend by refusing to get on with the BF, and she insists on disapproving of him, and bad mouthing him at every turn.
It doesn't matter if she is right about this guy or not. A friend needs to know when to stop and this OP unfortunately doesn't know when to stop. Her friend has clearly lost patience with this behaviour and cut her off.

Unless I've completely missed something I'm not sure how you've deduced this. It seems to me like the OP and the friends have given him a fair chance but the guy has no interest in getting involved. At least that's what I've taken from the quoted part below.

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Daisybell, he has no interest in getting to know any of her friends. He's 20, and a very immature 20 at that. He'd rather go see his friends and go drinking. There have been numerous occasions when we have all been out together and he failed to show his face and my friend has ended up leaving to go see him instead.
We all have tried at different times to meet them as a couple.
I have seen for myself first hand what this guy is capable of and I still kept stum for a long long time. When you see the damage it has done to her over and over again, am I not right as a freind to her to try and make her see sense?? Is that not what any good friend would do?

One poster above mentioned that the friend is embarrassed at her own behaviour and is distancing herself as a result. Far more likely to be the case than the OP being a pain in the neck.

Piliger wrote: »

I am sad that this has happened but the OP needs to learn to live her own life - we cannot be our friend's keeper no matter how passionate we feel about it or how much we care about them.

Totally agree with this. The OP needs to disengage herself for the time being and concentrate on her own life. Once her friend sees how well she's doing for herself it won't be long before she tries to get in touch again.

LegacyUser

One of my friends hooked up with a man who was awful too. It was like groundhog day. One day she was with him, the next she wasn't, then on again, then off again. Naturally she never took my advice to kick his sorry ass into the middle of next week.

In the end I just told her that I'd given her all the advice I could and that she knew my thoughts on him. I said I wasn't going to get involved any more. I was happy to chat about everything else but no more talk about this guy. She was OK with that thankfully. If I ever did meet him when we were out, I was polite but didn't particularly engage with him. She eventually came to her senses herself and dumped him but it took a long time.

I can understand why you're feeling frustrated but it's time to stop this campaign against your friend's boyfriend now. You don't like it one bit but for the moment she's choosing to go out with him. She knows your feelings about her boyfriend so there is nothing to be gained by continuing to be hostile. All it has done to date is exacerbate things. What did you expect her to do? Stand by smiling while you lacerated the man she's choosing to go out with?

I don't like every single partner that members of my family or my friends have. I just take a laissez-faire attitude to it. It's their decision to make and I'm not going to get involved. If I meet these people, I'm nice and polite and say the right things before moving on. I doubt very many people have ever dumped their other halves solely on what their friends thought of them

If it comes to pass that you resume your friendship with this girl, don't get involved in conversations about her boyfriend. Be polite to him and don't be baited by him. Perhaps it might mean that your friendship may not be as close as it is but keeping it bubbling along on the back burner is better than nothing. That way, if she does dump him, there's not as long a way back.

xXLaneyXx

Piliger wrote: »

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

That's not what the OP is looking for at all. I think you've misread this thread. She simply wants her friend back, boyfriend or not

Unfortunately this is exactly what she is doing. She has caused repeated social awkwardness for the girlfriend by refusing to get on with the BF, and she insists on disapproving of him, and bad mouthing him at every turn.
It doesn't matter if she is right about this guy or not. A friend needs to know when to stop and this OP unfortunately doesn't know when to stop. Her friend has clearly lost patience with this behaviour and cut her off.
I am sad that this has happened but the OP needs to learn to live her own life - we cannot be our friend's keeper no matter how passionate we feel about it or how much we care about them.

Thanks for your input here but you've got it totally wrong. Never once have I caused awkwardness, never once have I bad mouthed him to anyone, I've only ever listened and supported my friend. I have never once told her to leave him, dump him or anything along these lines!! I've tried to advise her as best I can and leave her to make her own decisions and have i stuck by her choice. I have never contacted him or made him aware of how i felt about the way he treated her.
I do have my own life and I live it, no one else's!! She knew she could call me night or day and I'd listen and try and help her.
All i'll trying to say here is that I'd like my happy bubbly confident friend back, boyfriend or boyfriend.

xXLaneyXx

chilli_lamp wrote: »

One of my friends hooked up with a man who was awful too. It was like groundhog day. One day she was with him, the next she wasn't, then on again, then off again. Naturally she never took my advice to kick his sorry ass into the middle of next week.

In the end I just told her that I'd given her all the advice I could and that she knew my thoughts on him. I said I wasn't going to get involved any more. I was happy to chat about everything else but no more talk about this guy. She was OK with that thankfully. If I ever did meet him when we were out, I was polite but didn't particularly engage with him. She eventually came to her senses herself and dumped him but it took a long time.

I can understand why you're feeling frustrated but it's time to stop this campaign against your friend's boyfriend now. You don't like it one bit but for the moment she's choosing to go out with him. She knows your feelings about her boyfriend so there is nothing to be gained by continuing to be hostile. All it has done to date is exacerbate things. What did you expect her to do? Stand by smiling while you lacerated the man she's choosing to go out with?

I don't like every single partner that members of my family or my friends have. I just take a laissez-faire attitude to it. It's their decision to make and I'm not going to get involved. If I meet these people, I'm nice and polite and say the right things before moving on. I doubt very many people have ever dumped their other halves solely on what their friends thought of them

If it comes to pass that you resume your friendship with this girl, don't get involved in conversations about her boyfriend. Be polite to him and don't be baited by him. Perhaps it might mean that your friendship may not be as close as it is but keeping it bubbling along on the back burner is better than nothing. That way, if she does dump him, there's not as long a way back.[/Quote

Thanks for your reply but can I point out that I have never been hostile towards him or carried on a campaign against him.

thefeatheredcat

A few people have mentioned embarrassment, but what about guilt? OP perhaps your friend feels guilty that she has used you as a crutch time and again and has since effectively dumped you as a friend and putting the blame on you to get rid of the guilt.

It is much easier to have a scenario where the ex drops by I assume unexpected on a girlie night as to which your friend reacts by blanking you, only because you know from her and have seen first hand what he's like. Because of what I see as control and influence he has over her she made the situation awkward to allow for him to invade the night and disappear off with her and leaving you to sort yourself out (sound familiar to an airport?)

That is a convenient way for her to use that situation to decide to chose him over you and apply logic and reason to it from her point of view that for her "solves" the problem, and then makes sure that you're made out to be the bad guy saying to mutual friends that you hate him and that you're the one through a dislike for him putting the wedge between you and her.

You haven't actually stated here that you hate him, he's not exactly the best catch from what you have posted, but it's convenient for her to make you out to be the one with the problem that is "putting the wedge" between you and her even though from my point of view from what I've read you're not doing anything of the sort. You have disapproved through empathy in helping her of his treatment of her, yes, you propped her up and helped her get better, yes, but you didn't actively ban her from seeing him or delete texts or take control of her phone.

It's more that you're scapegoated that means your friend has the get out of jail free card and the sympathy regarding your friendship deteriorating when you have done nothing wrong.

And this is a huge point here, you have done nothing wrong. You have been a really kind, caring friend that has really looked after someone who was left in a terrible state by another person.

I think actually while you might hope for her to be friends again at some point I think for your self it is best for you that she has ended the friendship with you. In a way, she could be in denial if she doesn't want to talk about anything but him with mutual friends. She probably will be dragged down a road to being a totally different person, would probably engage with you on the same level that he does with her and perhaps in her own way she is at least trying to protect you from that.

At the end of the day you can't blame yourself, yes you can feel hurt and you're entitled to feel whatever way you want to feel. All I can suggest is leave the door open and move on with your life and accept that she has made her choice, as painful as it may be to know from her what this guy is like there's nothing you can do except be a helpless bystander. Don't change the caring person you are, but make life better for yourself right now. If you find yourself worrying about her, even getting anxious about her, especially if you hear of how she is through mutual friends, make sure you don't let that consume you and seek counselling or have someone to talk to if you need it.

Taltos

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