Fallen for a monster

7979hbroken

Hi
I am a thirty something year old female who listens to the radio a fair bit on the drive to and from work and the only song that can describe my life right now is the Stoochie song..."Fallen for a monster" I would really apprecicte any ones advice or even some acknowledgement that how i am feeling is normal would make me feel so much better.

At the age of 20 I met a nice guy, and six years later we got engaged. I wasnt entirely happy with the idea and felt too young but we stupidly bought a house, planned and booked a wedding etc. It wasnt meant to be and despite him loving me (or at least me thinking he did), I couldnt commit - I knew although he was a nice guy he wasnt the right person for me and I knew my parents and family thought so too.

The relationship was on the rocks for at least 10 months before we both agreed to end it, following me taking the initiative to actually have the "chat".

Ashamed as I am so say it and please, please dont judge me on this as I endured such loliness and the life of a singleton anyway, but I met a guy a few months before it ended. He was the few good things that my fiancee at the time wasnt...but yet everything bad that my fiancee wasnt if wasnt if that makes sense.

Yes he was sporty and active and all that things my x wasnt but he was a bad boy, that was he was fun to be with but in hindsight he treated me soo soo badly and looking back had no respect for me. After a year of being with him all I can say is that I love him with all my heart. Towards the end we faught a lot ( I suppose I was vulnerable in the beginning but I grew in strength and confidence as time passed after my broken engagement). He saw a stronger woman towards the end that didnt take his crap that I did in the beginnng and that drove a rift between us. Him and I spoke about marriage and actually put a deposit on a cheap ring that would do until we splased out on a more expensive one.

In a nut shell we ended up breaking up after a series of small things between us - take a break for a while x 2 or x 3 ended up in the end of things.

Our last words were sure leave it a month and neither of us text or make contact for the month to have a proper break. At this meeting he laughed and joked and i didnt thing he was serious about the break. The thing is i miss him so so much and i know love him even though I know he was mister wrong - i cant change that. its been a month to the actual day and nothing. It will be a month to the date next sat and to be honest i have spent all month wating for that day. I had hoped that he may have realised it was a month to the day on wed and texted but all I can do is wait til sat.

Every night now I have a drink or two which turns into a bottle of wine to try to forget him. It eases the pain but afterwards i end up crying myself to sleep over him. I am a professional with a good job and my family and friends would be shocked if they thought i drank every night and that I was so cut up over what they see as a "looser".

Truth be known i rang up about the ring and he hasnt cancelled or got the deposit back. (That was one of his biggest threats that he used when fighting -that he would get the money back). I am like a little teenager instead of a thirty something year old woman- I am in no mans land, wondering if its actually over or not and waiting and wishing til sat, and if not then so a weeks after and if not maybe a month later ,,,, all this time hoping he will text , but in mean time drinking every night to ease the pain despite having to go to work in the morn. Easding the pain only makes the pain worse it seems.

Should I text him or try to forget him, which i honestly cant seem to do. He was wrong on so many counts but I love him. I have had relationships since I was 16 years old and I know I love him. I love him more than the good good person i was engaged to. He treated me like dirt but I am as in love with him as a I was with a guy when i 17. It doesnt make sense for a woman my age but everyting around me reminds me of him and the good times, despite the bad we had together.

I supppose all im wondering is should I not let my pride get better of me and make contact with him or continue as I am - drinking to forget him but the more I drink the sadder I am... as it is I cant go on like this as I am wrecked and exhaseted. Every text and phone call I hope is from him

Thanks for your advice from anyone who as ever felt this sad...

okiss

You were confident that after a month he would come back to you. He was sure that you would contact him before this but if he was interested he would have contacted you by now.
Your are unhappy at the moment with the way things are going for you. Drinking every night will only make you feel worse as drink will make you more depressed. You should tell your friends this relationship has ended and start to go out in the evenings with out drinking.
It is time to move on and make the best of your own life instead of sitting home alone drinking and waiting for a call that will not come.
At this stage you need to spend some time on your own to build up your confidence and life.
I watched a friend of mine in a similar position as you are now a few years ago. She knew she was in relationship that was going no where so she ended it. She moved on with her own life and did things she was interested in. She met a nice man and they are now married with a family so things can and do get better. You need to realise this and move on with your life.

ash23

He treated you like crap and you took it. And when you stopped taking it he didn't like it.
OP it's a real pity that you didn't use the break to get your head straight. You should have been out living your life and seeing what life without him would be like. But you spent the month wallowing and waiting for him.

It's possible he might never call. Or he might. But if he does, what then? You let him treat you like crap so that he stays happy?
You love him but I don't see how you can like him very much if he treats you badly.

I think you need to start living again. See what a life without him is like. And I mean a life without him. Not a life waiting for him.

Esoteric_

To add to what the other posters have said -


You say he's got a lot of bad about him, and a little good.

Do you really think a month of no contact is going to fix everything? If you both want things to work out, ignoring each other isn't going to work. The only way to make it work is to resolve the issues, not stop speaking for a month.

Merkin

7979hbroken wrote: »

Should I text him or try to forget him, which i honestly cant seem to do. He was wrong on so many counts but I love him. I have had relationships since I was 16 years old and I know I love him

Or maybe you just love the idea of him. You've been a serial monogamist since you were sixteen, so essentially for your entire adult life. If you don't mind my saying, I was surprised that this post was written by a woman in her 30s as it struck me as being very immature. If you know that this man is a monster then I don't know why you'd want to keep pursuing this, he sounds like a twat. My advice is to cut out the booze completely, start getting some regular exercise so you're going to bed exhausted from physical exertion rather than drink and use some time ALONE rather than falling into yet another unsuitable relationship and take a year or so out to decide what it is you want and what it is you will and won't put up with.

miec

Hi Op

I would agree with the previous poster and would also recommend reading the book 'Women who love too much' basically a book on why women fall for bastards and how to help break that cycle. I found it incredibly helpful for me to break a similar cycle to what you are in now.

aidan24326

You said it yourself that he's a monster, your family think he's a loser, he treats you like crap, has no respect for you. And you sit around every night pining for him? Don't you see how self-defeating that is? I'll bet he's not crying himself to sleep every night. And you know that too.

Imagine a mistreating and disrepectful bollox was going out with your sister or your best friend. What would you be urging them to do? And in that you have your answer for what you need to do.

And btw I'd agree with Lynda above that this month apart thing is just ridiculous. What exactly is that going to solve? If you get back with him he'll still be the same guy that treats you like sh1t and you'll be back to square one.

tinkerbell

OP, your problem is you've gone from relationship to relationship without even getting over the previous relationship first. What are you thinking that you want to be with this guy? It is ridiculous - he treats you like crap, yet you are happy to take that? How can you want that for yourself? You referred to him as a monster yet want to spend the rest of your life with him? That is messed up. I suggest you get to some counselling ASAP and sort out your head space because you are not thinking straight. And you need to cut that guy out of your life now. He is not good for you.

dr gonzo

Theres not much more to be said OP, theres been excellent advice so far but even still, I'm utterly perplexed. Youve come onto boards to list off the reasons why your boyfriend is not only not good for you, but is actually not a good person. He is, by your description, a monster and yet you ask us if you should continue...?

The answer is a firm, unequivocal no. Get away.

Lexicographer

My heart bleeds for you, I started going out with my husband when I was 18 and I adored that he was such an honourable man, I found out that he was cheating after 24 years of marriage, he eroded my confidence and broke my spirit, get out now please, you are worth more, i know the feeling of drinking, it is easier, it means you can sleep, but it makes life harder to deal with, please don't make the mistakes I made, get out now before he sucks you dry. Be kind to yourself, so you won't always have a great day, you are allowed to be upset, it is normal, i felt better after I got advice on Boards, it really helped me that people were kind, and it helped a lot. Just keep talking to people, even if it is on boards, it helps so much. Don't just look at this forum, look at others, it keeps your mind off things. It has meant I have an outlet and you need one, be grateful that you are still so young!!!! Be kind to yourself, if you were giving advice to your good friend, daughter, or younger sister, what would you say. Mind yourself.

7979hbroken

7979hbroken wrote: »

Hi
I am a thirty something year old female who listens to the radio a fair bit on the drive to and from work and the only song that can describe my life right now is the Stoochie song..."Fallen for a monster" I would really apprecicte any ones advice or even some acknowledgement that how i am feeling is normal would make me feel so much better.

At the age of 20 I met a nice guy, and six years later we got engaged. I wasnt entirely happy with the idea and felt too young but we stupidly bought a house, planned and booked a wedding etc. It wasnt meant to be and despite him loving me (or at least me thinking he did), I couldnt commit - I knew although he was a nice guy he wasnt the right person for me and I knew my parents and family thought so too.

The relationship was on the rocks for at least 10 months before we both agreed to end it, following me taking the initiative to actually have the "chat".

Ashamed as I am so say it and please, please dont judge me on this as I endured such loliness and the life of a singleton anyway, but I met a guy a few months before it ended. He was the few good things that my fiancee at the time wasnt...but yet everything bad that my fiancee wasnt if wasnt if that makes sense.

Yes he was sporty and active and all that things my x wasnt but he was a bad boy, that was he was fun to be with but in hindsight he treated me soo soo badly and looking back had no respect for me. After a year of being with him all I can say is that I love him with all my heart. Towards the end we faught a lot ( I suppose I was vulnerable in the beginning but I grew in strength and confidence as time passed after my broken engagement). He saw a stronger woman towards the end that didnt take his crap that I did in the beginnng and that drove a rift between us. Him and I spoke about marriage and actually put a deposit on a cheap ring that would do until we splased out on a more expensive one.

In a nut shell we ended up breaking up after a series of small things between us - take a break for a while x 2 or x 3 ended up in the end of things.

Our last words were sure leave it a month and neither of us text or make contact for the month to have a proper break. At this meeting he laughed and joked and i didnt thing he was serious about the break. The thing is i miss him so so much and i know love him even though I know he was mister wrong - i cant change that. its been a month to the actual day and nothing. It will be a month to the date next sat and to be honest i have spent all month wating for that day. I had hoped that he may have realised it was a month to the day on wed and texted but all I can do is wait til sat.

Every night now I have a drink or two which turns into a bottle of wine to try to forget him. It eases the pain but afterwards i end up crying myself to sleep over him. I am a professional with a good job and my family and friends would be shocked if they thought i drank every night and that I was so cut up over what they see as a "looser".

Truth be known i rang up about the ring and he hasnt cancelled or got the deposit back. (That was one of his biggest threats that he used when fighting -that he would get the money back). I am like a little teenager instead of a thirty something year old woman- I am in no mans land, wondering if its actually over or not and waiting and wishing til sat, and if not then so a weeks after and if not maybe a month later ,,,, all this time hoping he will text , but in mean time drinking every night to ease the pain despite having to go to work in the morn. Easding the pain only makes the pain worse it seems.

Should I text him or try to forget him, which i honestly cant seem to do. He was wrong on so many counts but I love him. I have had relationships since I was 16 years old and I know I love him. I love him more than the good good person i was engaged to. He treated me like dirt but I am as in love with him as a I was with a guy when i 17. It doesnt make sense for a woman my age but everyting around me reminds me of him and the good times, despite the bad we had together.

I supppose all im wondering is should I not let my pride get better of me and make contact with him or continue as I am - drinking to forget him but the more I drink the sadder I am... as it is I cant go on like this as I am wrecked and exhaseted. Every text and phone call I hope is from him

Thanks for your advice from anyone who as ever felt this sad...

so you are worried that you might not meet someone who will treat you like crap, have no respect for you and keep you hanging? You started your relationship with this guy before you finished the last and you sound like you don't even know what you want. And using it as an excuse to get wasted daily? At your age you really should have more common sense or maybe you enjoy getting treated like crap?

coolhandluke

Some people are destined to have a **** life, and you are surely doing all in your power to achieve that.

I think you should cop yourself on, you've had a lucky escape .

7979hbroken

Thanks so much to you everyone that has taken the time to reply to my post. I appreciate your advice and for making me see things as they really are instead of some romantic idea i have been latching on to. I know your right and need to move on with my life and forget about him, hard as it is and will be.

Ironically, since I posted last night I was on face book. As you know yourself one thing leads to another on it and I managed to figure out he became friends with some girl on it less than a week after our final chat. Thats fine but her profile page says I am sexyblablabla from "plenty of fish" online dating website. Her 40 plus friends are all guys obviously, not a single girl on there.

Now I feel totally sick. He thought so little of me that he is on a dating website less than a week after what was essentially an engagement with me. He has now shown he has absolutely no emotional attachment to me. I am not faulting dating websites for a second, but from this girls face book page she is clearly not some girl looking for a life partner.. she seems to be out for a good time that he is part of and now I am seeing him in a whole other light as someone who sleeps around... and i am so worried now about STD's which up to now hadnt come into things.

I caught him out on lies before but this is just so callous and cold. I am truely devestated now.

Esoteric_

7979hbroken wrote: »

Thanks so much to you everyone that has taken the time to reply to my post. I appreciate your advice and for making me see things as they really are instead of some romantic idea i have been latching on to. I know your right and need to move on with my life and forget about him, hard as it is and will be.

Ironically, since I posted last night I was on face book. As you know yourself one thing leads to another on it and I managed to figure out he became friends with some girl on it less than a week after our final chat. Thats fine but her profile page says I am sexyblablabla from "plenty of fish" online dating website. Her 40 plus friends are all guys obviously, not a single girl on there.

Now I feel totally sick. He thought so little of me that he is on a dating website less than a week after what was essentially an engagement with me. He has now shown he has absolutely no emotional attachment to me. I am not faulting dating websites for a second, but from this girls face book page she is clearly not some girl looking for a life partner.. she seems to be out for a good time that he is part of and now I am seeing him in a whole other light as someone who sleeps around... and i am so worried now about STD's which up to now hadnt come into things.

I caught him out on lies before but this is just so callous and cold. I am truely devestated now.

It's a bit sneaky, but if you really want to know for sure if he's on a dating site -

Make a fake account.
Do a search for people of his age range in his area. Scroll through the pictures til you find him.


Please, please don't go back to this man. He's shown you nothing but disrespect. It's easy to fall into a cycle of forgiving and allowing yourself to be treated badly, but you'll be even more miserable if you do it.

LegacyUser

Well dear you did no different with your former fiance. Now you know how it feels when someone you love sneaks behind your back or cheats on you.

I think this is an important lesson for you. Take this time to learn about YOU. What you want and what you are looking for in a relationship and in a partner. Whatever you do, do not fall into another relationship soon! Take a year off from the dating scene and focus on being single for a while. Only you can make yourself happy not some eejit who treated you like total and utter sh*te.

Get off the facebook and stop obsessing over this. Get off the online dating sites and end this soap opera now.

Zombrex

7979hbroken wrote: »

Thanks so much to you everyone that has taken the time to reply to my post. I appreciate your advice and for making me see things as they really are instead of some romantic idea i have been latching on to. I know your right and need to move on with my life and forget about him, hard as it is and will be.

Ironically, since I posted last night I was on face book. As you know yourself one thing leads to another on it and I managed to figure out he became friends with some girl on it less than a week after our final chat. Thats fine but her profile page says I am sexyblablabla from "plenty of fish" online dating website. Her 40 plus friends are all guys obviously, not a single girl on there.

Now I feel totally sick. He thought so little of me that he is on a dating website less than a week after what was essentially an engagement with me. He has now shown he has absolutely no emotional attachment to me. I am not faulting dating websites for a second, but from this girls face book page she is clearly not some girl looking for a life partner.. she seems to be out for a good time that he is part of and now I am seeing him in a whole other light as someone who sleeps around... and i am so worried now about STD's which up to now hadnt come into things.

I caught him out on lies before but this is just so callous and cold. I am truely devestated now.

You need to forget about this guy (not stalking him on Facebook would be a good start).

TBH though you also need to look at what ever issues you are telling with that led you to him in the first place. It is not normal to be "in love" with someone who treats you so badly, and I suspect that a lot of that love was actually messed up dependency and self loathing.

You need a break from men all together for a bit and I would suggest some counseling to help you understand how you let yourself get into such a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. Nothing to be ashamed of, everyone has their own issues to deal with particular relationship issues. But everything you described about this relationship sounded very unhealthy. You need to understand how you ended up in it and why you didn't recognize that earlier yourself.

Best of luck

daisybelle2008

OP, please do not go stalking him on dating sites like another poster suggested. On some level you enjoy romanticising him as a bad boy. His antics haven't turned you off before and I would suspect you are addicted to the drama and see yourself as some fairy tale good girls whose love will eventually turn him into a prince charming.
It is time to drop the victim mentalitity and get your head sorted so you have enough self worth to only tolerate the best in a relationship, you deserve that.

Big Bag of Chips

My guess is (before I read your update about 'friending' another girl) that every time you are "on a break" he uses the time to go out and enjoy being a single man, and you use the time to sit in "waiting" for him.

He is just keeping you on a leash.. he doesn't want to be with you full time, but he's keeping you there as a back up plan incase he doesn't find anything better (or someone more willing to quietly put up with his crap).

If you want to spend the rest of your life having a "break" every couple of months so he can go "find himself", and you can faithfully sit by waiting for him to decide to come back to you whenever he's ready, then ring him.

Otherwise, get yourself out and about and enjoy being young and single for a while.. you never know what might happen!

LegacyUser

I think it's all very well to know he's a 'monster' etc., that's all judgement; brain work. Rationalising you're reasons to call/not call him is not the answer here. What you have here is a breaking heart, and you need to nurse yourself very carefully.

Firstly, lay off the drink, it really is rubbish. I know that's hard. If you must, go to the doc and get a few weeks supply of sleeping tablets/ tranquillisers. I realise that's not the answer either but they're meant for crisis (not long term use) and it sounds like you're in crisis. Your main concern is being kind to yourself, rested and healthy while in crisis. Buy some good books, exercise, get a good friend you can call when you get obsessive. Get your friend to talk you through why you shouldn't go snooping on facebook, it doesn't matter how many times you have to have that conversation, just do it.

At some point later on you may have to accept that this pain isn't all about the guy - I don't mean to 'minimise' your relationship, you obviously have deep feeling and some history together, but it seems like what you're suffering from is a serious loss of control over your life and future. He's pulling all the strings. In fact he's pulling the rug from under you time and time again, and in reaction to the loss of control, you're obsessing about him, because him having control (I'm not saying he's controlling, just that you've handed him your power), makes him seem 'bigger' than he is. .... and obsession is love gone wrong. It looks like the real thing but it can't be.

As for the guy, I think whether you call or not won't make much difference. I could say not calling will make him value you more, but really that's game playing, and a healthy attitude can't be faked. Get healthy for you, one step at a time. First step, bin the drink & accept that it's going to take a long time for your feelings to heal. Best of luck.

LoYL

I haven't heard one thing that is fun in what you wrote OP. Where was the fun? You actually need real fun in your life. Putting it on hold until he condescends to return to you is just no good.