Friends peed off with me

LegacyUser

hi all, this may seem trivial but i just want a few opinions..
I have never been the best when it comes to having my mobile with me all the time, it annoys me and half the time i leave it at home on purpose or just silence it to get a bit of peace and quiet. Lately this has caused me to almost fall out with some friends who seem to think that i'm being rude because i don't reply or ring them back straight away.
One friend in particular does sweet F all at work so spends most of her day ringing me to complain about her boyfriend, the problem is i can never get her off the phone for at least an hour at a time no matter what i say... I have a screaming 2 year old to look after and she doesn't take any of my hints to finish the call even when she can hear my child in the background. So i have stopped taking most of her calls. Also another friend who doesn't have kids loves to go playing tennis or walking etc. in the evenings, i try to go with her when i can but when i can't she gets very annoyed and makes me feel guilty. Last week the 2 of them started a slagging match on my facebook page about how they're forgetting what i look like and that i never answer the phone etc. etc. they think it's hilarious and it's been going on for a full week now!
I am really peed off with this, i don't see why i should have to have my phone surgically attached to my face just cos they're bored. Am i right or am i being a very selfish friend?

Ellsbells

You are being both. Are you neglecting the friendships because you have a child??? If both of them have an issue with you then it seems you have been....

You seem very dismissive of their lives. No one persons life or problems is more important than another's and very few kids take up 24 hours per day so there is always time to reply to a text / call.

Milk & Honey

You are right not to take calls. Some people call excessively about trivia. If someone has something important to say they can send a text and let you call back.

Stavro Mueller

Perhaps you are a bit frazzled because of having a 2 year old but I was taken aback at the scathing way in which you spoke about your friends. I'm kinda wondering why you're friends with them at all. Might be time to re-evaluate that. Do you genuinely like them as people or are they girls you've been pals with for years and are part of the furniture, so to speak?

I can see both sides of the coin. Having kids is stressful and can mean that there are times when you've got to put calls and texts on the back burner. You sound like you're overdoing it though. Not answering a call isn't a hanging offence but when someone finds their calls and texts repeatedly ignored, how do you think they'll interpret this?

CommanderC

They sound pretty selfish to me. Your friend knows you need to look after your 2 year old and continues blabbering on regardless.

As for the walks in the evening-Im assuming you don't always have a baby sitter ready to take the child whenever she calls, so that's not fair either.

I would pick a time when you know you are going to be free and say to your friends, do you wanna meet up on such as day/evening because I can give you my full attention then.

It may not seem like much, but as I have gotten older, with work, relationships etc, I am spending less and less time with my friends, so I always try to take a few hours a week and make sure I use that time to meet up with one or more of them. Even if its just calling around to their house.

The days of talking to them noon stop during the day, seeing them in the evening and spending pretty much all weekend with them are over for me.

ash23

A friend of mine had a baby last year and basically just dropped all of her friends. We have a number of mutual friends and she dropped them too and yeah, we're all a bit peed off over it.
Other friends of mine have kids and still manage to make time for their friends. But this one got so wrapped up in her wedding and then her pregnancy that she isolated herself from everyone. And now her husband is working away, the baby is a toddler and she is looking for us all to go out and visit her.

Don't forsake your friends. It can be hard to keep everyone happy and fit it all in but if you neglect your friendships now, you won't have them there when you need them.

kunst nugget

Ellsbells wrote: »

You are being both. Are you neglecting the friendships because you have a child??? If both of them have an issue with you then it seems you have been....

You seem very dismissive of their lives. No one persons life or problems is more important than another's and very few kids take up 24 hours per day so there is always time to reply to a text / call.

What a load of bull, the OP has done nothing wrong. Her friends are giving out about not seeing enough of her because she has a child? Boo effing Hoo. Friendships change, especially when you have kids and sometimes people that don't have kids won't appreciate that. If you have a two year old child, you're going to be drained and the last thing you'll want to be doing is listening to someone on your phone for an hour when you're chasing after them and they're crying. I have 2 kids and I definitely see a lot less of my friends since they've come along because I have to prioritise a lot of my time and money around them. Any free time I have is usually unwinding and chilling out time.

Why should the OP jump through hoops to satisfy her friends? If I had two friends slagging me off on facebook I think I'd be telling them to cop themselves on in private. They need to accept that she no longer has the same freedom to do what she wants that they have.

ash23

Do you have any friends left though?

I mean, I have a child so I get that they are time consuming. And I am a single parent with a full time job so I'm really busy.
But my friends are important to me too and I try to make time for them. And yes, sometimes I have to say "no I can't" because I am too tired. But because I see them at other times, they don't mind too much.
I don't think the OPs friends are expecting her to be there 24/7 but I think that OP should consider whether she is making any effort at all with them. And if not, and she wants to keep the friendships, she is going to have to start.

Of course, if she doesn't, she can keep ignoring them and they'll eventually get sick of her.

Oh and something you learn in time is that kids are not the be all and end all. At some stage OP will want her life back and she will need her friends. So many people who have kids then start dismissing the problems of others. Like the OP, dismissing the friends lives and interests and thinking that having a 2 year old basically is now her whole entire life.
In time the kids grow and get their own friends and the OP will need her own self back. I really do think some parents become baby bores and the ones who won't make any effort to go anywhere or do anything simply because they have a child now are the worst. using a child as an excuse all the time gets really old, really fast. Most of the time the person uses the child as an excuse because they just don't want to do something and that can be seen through right away.

kunst nugget

Is the no friends thing directed at me? I have plenty of friends but we are happy enough to not live in each other's pockets. Maybe I should say I'm a bloke at this point if that makes a difference because for the life of me I couldn't see any of my friends giving me a hard time for not hanging out with them as much since I got married and had kids.

woodchuck

Not answering your phone isn't that bad, but repeatedly not calling them back is rude imo.

If the phone doesn't suit you, maybe you could try texting or emailing instead as you can do this more at your own pace and aren't stuck on the phone for an hour or more at a time?

LegacyUser

OP here.. reading back what i wrote i do sound kind of scathing towards my friends... i didn't mean to come across this way. I do actually like them as people and have known both of them since childhood. The thing is i do meet them almost every weekend so i have not given up my social life just because i have a child, i meet my friends every chance i get, otherwise i get cabin fever..
What pees me off is the times when i can't meet them or have no money to go places with them (lost my job), they are really scathing towards me!
The one who rings me from work all day has a child herself but will only call me at work when she's bored.. she never calls in the evenings when she's minding her own child as she's "far too busy".. So i would've thought she'd understand that i can't be at her beck and call from 9 to 5 every weekday. She's been in a really bad relationship and for almost 5 years now i've been there for her for through all of it but no matter what advice i've given her she's decided to stay with him, even tho she's miserable and while i'm trying my hardest to be supportive and just listen, its getting old... she's complaining about the same things for the last 5 years and won't do anything about her situation... this is one of the reasons i don't take (some not all) of her calls anymore...
i can see i'm coming across as a bit selfish but it's driving me mad lately and i'd like to pull her on it rather than ignoring her.. but at the same time i don't want to hurt her feelings.

Ellsbells

You didnt explain all this in your original post.

With regard your friend, I would say straight out that you have run out of advice for her as she doesnt take it on board and you dont want to talk about it anymore... Let her put that in her pipe... there is nothing worse than a drama bore who wont listen to the advice she asks for...

okiss

The friend who is stuck in a bad relationship for 5 years with her own baby sounds like hard work. The next time she rings you in the middle of the day I would tell her the baby is asleep and should be up shortly.
Listen to her for a few mins and then say is awake and I have to go.
We all need some one to listen to us at times but after 5 years of listing to her complain about him you have had enough. At the end of the day your friend is the only person who can change her life around and as an adult she has to be willing to do things for herself.
To your other friend who wants to go walking in the evenings see if you oh could mind the 2 year old one night a week and tell your friend I can go for a walk with you on what ever night.
I would also say to both of them I don't like your comments re the fact I can't go out as much as I once did as I am not working. I would look at where you could save money and try to put €5 or €10 a week aside to go out a odd night even if it is only for a meal or a trip to the cinema.

nonsmoker

Hi OP

If I was one of your friend's there's only so many times I would call/text you and if I constantly didn't get a reply I would soon stop bothering with you.
You say you meet up most weekends, is that the only time it suits 'you' to make time for them?

I am unmarried/no children and have experienced plenty of friends who have kids who never seem to have time to call or visit me the odd time while all I hear from them is you never come see me, yet they seem to be able to make time to go other places with the kids/without the kids?! I used to visit everyone fairly often but not any more, I make time for the ones who make time for me and that is it.

Sometimes I think women with kids think that those of us who don't have kids don't have a life and should have plenty time to do all the running!!
Doesn't work that way, like stated already some day you will need your friends and you may find they no longer have time for you.

Edit to add;
While its not nice the way they are saying stuff on Facebook, maybe its because they cannot get hold of you any other way. Maybe if you have time for Facebook you could message them while you are logged on, or even better reply to their texts/give them a quick call instead of going on Facebook.

Zoria

Ellsbells wrote: »

With regard your friend, I would say straight out that you have run out of advice for her as she doesnt take it on board and you dont want to talk about it anymore...

I would take this advice very strongly Stupidphone. A friend of mine was exactly like her, and it is exhausting. Especially when you have very young children. I gave my friend all the advice that I could, and it never was followed. I don't speak to her any more because I cannot get through to her, nor could I deal with her on going complaints about her ex. I wouldn't have minded if anything I said hit home with her, but with a young family I couldn't handle it any more and knew I couldn't deal with her either. If these pair continue to ridicule you despite the fact that you've a very young child to contend with, you need to block them. Maybe others feel I'm being harsh, but I have no patience for people like that.