Move home or not?

LegacyUser

I realise in the grand scheme of things my issue is totally not important at all, and is very much a first world problem, but I’m just not 100% sure which way to proceed.

I’m in my mid-twenties. Currently, I live alone and I LOVE it. I share custody of my dog with my mother- ie: drop her over every morning before I got to work and collect her in the evening. My mother will also mind her if I am going out for the night or away for whatever reason. I don’t get on with my father, and haven’t spoken to him in months, but I get on very well with my mother and our current arrangement seems to suit. Financially, I’m paying all my bills but I can’t afford to save much- whatever I do manage to build up gets wiped out easily with various payments.

Now, I find out my father is going away for a year with his job. My mother has asked me to move back home for the year for a couple of reasons: 1) it will allow me to save a lump sum, which I could really do with. It’s probably going to be my only chance to do so, as I’d never move home while my father is there. 2) She’ll be lonely by herself (empty nest syndrome: all my siblings have moved out/are about to move out) 3) It would be much handier for managing the dog if her two main humans live together.

If I stay in my current house, I’ll be picking the dog up as normal and leaving my mam with no company pretty much most evenings OR I’ll end up being roped into watching dvds/having dinner with her to the point where all I’m doing is sleeping in my own house.
My head is saying move home, but my heart is saying stay living by myself- I cannot stress how much I love the freedom and my house is a very unique and affordable little place that suits me perfectly. The chances of me finding another like it are slim to none. If I did move home, it’s pretty much just the money that would be the advantage. I’d save so much!

What would you guys do?

ash23

I'd stay where I am and then make sure that myself and all my siblings make the effort to keep the mother company during the year the father is away.

I think that if you do this (move back) then you are setting yourself up to become the "carer" child. The one who your parents go to when they need something and that would become more frequent as time goes on.

Keep the home you love and your independence and make sure to chat to your siblings about making sure your mother is not left alone all the time.
Having said that she might find she loves her own space, time and freedom as much as you've grown to love yours.

KKkitty

I think you should stay put. You would feel for your mam but she'll be ok. While you're collecting the dog stay for a while some evenings but not every evening. Organise with your siblings an evening each with your mam and maybe get her into activities to keep her busy.

Bubblefett

I'm mid twenties and have lived by myself for 2 years. I adore my parents but I could never move back home, just couldn't stick living under someone elses roof again.
It'll really come down to how important is saving money to you? And what if your dad comes back for a weekend or week on holiday from work- where will you go? Are your siblings in a situation were they can help you drop ito your mom and keep her company?

miec

Hi Op

Listen to your heart and stay where you are. Sure the money could be of use to you but I believe you would deeply regret moving in with her. Also as odd as this will sound, you will be doing your mum a disservice. Basically this is the time that your mum should create her own life and by having one or all of her children still at home she will continue to live through you all. I have had a parent that has clung on to most of her children (not me but that is another story) and I myself am in the process of being made redundant by my teenager (well sort of ). It is an awful thing for a parent not to be needed by their children when they become young adults / older adults but it is the healthy way. I struggle because my son is developing a life away from me and in a few years time he will be leaving to do college or travel or whatever and I find that painful but it is important for him to do these things and I don't want him worrying whether I am alright which is why I am building up stuff outside the home. Your mum needs to do the same and the fact that you love your independence means it would be doubly hard, also whilst reading your post I was thinking what if you wanted to bring friends back or have a girlfriend, it just isn't the same in a family home.

Princess Peach

I think the answer depends on what kind of a mother you have

I moved back home once and hated it. My mother is the fussy type, always asking where I was going and who I was seeing, would come into my room and take my washing to do, always cooked me dinner and made a fuss if I didn't eat. Now I know these seem like lovely things, but when you have lived away its those little things that drove me mad! I felt like a child again.

Some people can live at home and still be independent, some can't. You will know yourself how it is in your home. Just remember you can still be a great daughter and spend time with your mother without living there

jimmycrackcorm

I say move home on the basis of short term against a longer term gain.

Your situation is also very bizarre where your dog gets more attention than your father. I think that is sad.

okiss

I would move home for a year and tell your mother that you will be leaving the house before your father comes back.
I would give your landlord as much notice as possible and ask them could you ring them in a years time to see if they have somewhere to rent then.
I would lay down some ground rules with your mother - you don't want her to be asking you always where are you going, who are you going with ect.
Also I would tell her that you will do your own washing and cooking. Offer to cook an meal for you both 1 or 2 nights a week and tell her you won't be expecting your dinner every night. When you move home look at your expenses and see where you can save money. Bring your lunch to work as you will save a lot by doing this. Open a high interest regular deposit account which takes x amount of money from your salary each week or month. You need to be putting what you would spend on rent and bills each month at the moment into this account. I would open another account which if you have money left at the end of week or month you put into this. I would remember that you are doing this only for 12 months and that by this time next year you want to have x amount saved.

starlit

Hi Op, I can understand where you are coming from but in my honest opinion you could do both?

Its nice that your mam asked you to move in while your dad is away for a year I can see that she like company but to be honest you need your independence and your own life its a lot to ask to move back in full time, it be grand on a short term basis for a few weeks to get your mam settled in without your dad being there but after that move back to your place.

Though it be easier to manage your dog just being in one place or rather than between both homes, if ye don't live that far apart I think it be wise to stay where you are to be honest. She can't be dependent on you all the time just for company.

No harm going to visit her and staying for the evenings if its company is all that she want. She needs to build up her network of friends, neighbours and family so she can do her own thing as well. Ye aren't always meant to do everything together? Ye are mother and daughter not partners!?

I can't see any reason why you couldn't do both though, say stay a few nights a week at your mams and stay the remaining week in your place? Like 'students do when coming home from college at the weekends'.

I know it be a bit of a juggle having stuff between both places but it might lessen the bills at your own house? Buy your own groceries and cook, share some duties, do things independently but its hard to do things independently like that like a house share kind of thing unless you want to contribute to her house too. If you still stayed at yours and stayed at hers the odd night here and there it might not be so bad? Split it between the two houses? Your dog needs routine so best to stick with it as it is?

I don't think moving in for the year will help matters, once you move back full time its hard to move back out?

Think long and hard, but its what you want that matters not what your mam wants but of course you want to make her happy as well as yourself and your dog but by all means come to a compromise meet each other half way that way everyone be happy? Do it for you not for her. Though deep down you are doing it for her but at the same time you doing it for yourself on your own terms.

Daisy M

Which is your mother thinking of more your need to save money or her need for company? Are you been manipulated or is she really thinking of you and realising this will be the last opportunity you both have to live together.
What would happen if things change for your dad and he comes home at a moments notice? Is it morally right to live rent free in the house of someone you don't speak to? What if something happens to your dad or he extends his term away, will you be expected to live with your mother for the foreseeable future?