Mother visit = stress

gigawatt2007

Morning all,

I think this is something that the men will identify with more than women. My parents live abroad and come home 4/5 times a year. I'm happily married with a 2yr old son and apart from the usual woes of being a child of the celtic tiger, life is good.

However there is an issue which keeps cropping up, every time my mother comes home to visit there is untold stress. It started out with the stress being at home with my wife, she felt my mother was being overbearing with our son (he's her only grandchild) and I was sat in the middle making sure my wife didn't flip at my ma being all over the baby. That side has eased by explaining to my own mother that she needs to relax and by helping my wife understand that we see her folks 1/2 times a month and she needs to give up control every so often.....so eventually that side of things have eased off - gets easier as the baby gets older because there's not so much protectiveness going on.

With the process above, when Mam says she's coming to stay, I'm often sitting beside my wife when on the phone to her so I kick off the usual steps of checking to see if the dates suit for me and start softening up the wife - she's thinking about coming over, I might take a day off and we can do something together etc etc. So my reply is often and always 'Well let me check the diary and get back to you'. This means I appear (and am) apprehesive when she asks to come to stay, because of all of the above.

This has now resulted in the week up to the visit being littered with calls from my mother saying 'Ooooooh are you sure if it's OK to stay I get the sense I'm not welcome, as soon as I arrive all that goes away but when I ask and in the lead-up to visiting I always feel like I'm putting you out'.

So I had it out with her yesterday ans said, 'Mam, I have a busy calendar, I need to arrange when you come home so that there's someone around to look after you and we can do nice things together - I don't know what you expect when you announce you're arriving home' and I got all sorts of 'Well I only see you and the baby 3/4 times a year, I'd expect a bit more of a welcome' so I was getting irritated at this stage and said 'you can't expect a big fanfare everytime you want to come home - and I can't keep going through this process of assuring you you're welcome every time you're feeling unwanted'. Which is the god honest truth - I try my best, they come home for a week at Xmas, are invited on all family holidays and I always clear my diary when they want to come home. When they come our house is used as a base for them (or a hotel as my wife calls it) to see their friends, my brother doesn't have to deal with any of this as he's renting.

So things tailed off after that, but as usual I feel like the bad guy.

Does anyone else have similar experiences - am I really an awful pr'ck of a son!?

tbh

gigawatt2007 wrote: »

Does anyone else have similar experiences - am I really an awful pr'ck of a son!?

No! you're not being a pr1ck. Remember that your mam only sees you a few times a year so it's natural enough that she'd not have a handle on how things are for you. To be honest with you, the next time it happens that she starts going on about she's not sure if she's welcome - just nip it in the bud.

"mam - I'm not going to go through this every time with you - you know you're welcome" and then change the subject. Y'know - be honest with her! "Your visit doesn't stress me out, but all the calls in the week up to it do!"

Sounds like you're kind of doing this already. It'll work itself out.

looksee

You are doing fine. I am in the MiL situation (I am one) and tbh your mother needs to cop on a bit. It suits her to live abroad and come when she feels like it. She can't expect everyone to drop everything and for her to take charge when she visits. Relax, and carry on the way you are, you are getting it right.

Just as a general aside, I think there will come a visit when suddenly you realise that you have 'moved on' and you will see your mother in a slightly different light. You will still love and care for her, but somehow the pressure of her being 'your mother' will be gone and you can relax and engage with her as two adults.

ash23

Just an idea but could you look into a short term let nearby if she's only home a few times a year? That way you could drop the baby over to your mother and you and your wife have a break, your wife won't have your mother treading on her toes in her own home and everyone can get their own space.

I can see it from all sides. Your wife has to pander to them when they are here and as a result isn't too happy about having them stay. This is turn is picked up on by your mother who is put out because she can sense that you aren't thrilled at the prospect of her arrival. And in her attempts to get to the root of the problem, she causes you stress because you're trying to keep your wife and your mother happy.

I would just say that you want to give your wife a break and having house guests for a week causes everyone stress so you've found your mother a lovely house for the week where she will be able to relax and have the baby over where she can spoil him to her hearts content without feeling like she's treading on anyones toes.

Lollipops23

My parents moved abroad only a few months ago and are home on a visit (staying with me). It was something that occurred to me straight away- I took this chance to set a precedence, as it's a first for everyone. I am continuing with my life, as normal as possible, as it was their choice to move away and they cannot expect people to drop everything when they come home for a while. We have all gotten on with our lives (albeit the first few weeks were tough on me as myself and my mother are very close), and they have to deal with that.
That's not to say I've ignored them, and I've made plenty of time with them since they got home, but I have a job and a boyfriend and a social life, and that stuff is not going on the backburner just because they're home.

I guess what I'm saying is, you should not be "entertaining" or "minding" your mam when she's home- did she not spend her entire life here before they left? Has she no mates/family members to be visiting? It's not your responsibility to make her "welcome" and you certainly shouldn't be clearing your schedule every time she gets a whim to come home.

gigawatt2007

Lollipops23 wrote: »

My parents moved abroad only a few months ago and are home on a visit (staying with me). It was something that occurred to me straight away- I took this chance to set a precedence, as it's a first for everyone. I am continuing with my life, as normal as possible, as it was their choice to move away and they cannot expect people to drop everything when they come home for a while. We have all gotten on with our lives (albeit the first few weeks were tough on me as myself and my mother are very close), and they have to deal with that.
That's not to say I've ignored them, and I've made plenty of time with them since they got home, but I have a job and a boyfriend and a social life, and that stuff is not going on the backburner just because they're home.

I guess what I'm saying is, you should not be "entertaining" or "minding" your mam when she's home- did she not spend her entire life here before they left? Has she no mates/family members to be visiting? It's not your responsibility to make her "welcome" and you certainly shouldn't be clearing your schedule every time she gets a whim to come home.

Wait till babies come into the mix Lolli!!!

gigawatt2007

ash23 wrote: »

Just an idea but could you look into a short term let nearby if she's only home a few times a year? That way you could drop the baby over to your mother and you and your wife have a break, your wife won't have your mother treading on her toes in her own home and everyone can get their own space.

I can see it from all sides. Your wife has to pander to them when they are here and as a result isn't too happy about having them stay. This is turn is picked up on by your mother who is put out because she can sense that you aren't thrilled at the prospect of her arrival. And in her attempts to get to the root of the problem, she causes you stress because you're trying to keep your wife and your mother happy.

I would just say that you want to give your wife a break and having house guests for a week causes everyone stress so you've found your mother a lovely house for the week where she will be able to relax and have the baby over where she can spoil him to her hearts content without feeling like she's treading on anyones toes.

Thanks Ash, she generally stays 3/4 nights Max because she stays with her friends/sister for the other nights of her stay generally!

LittleBook

gigawatt2007 wrote: »

'I can't keep going through this process of assuring you you're welcome every time you're feeling unwanted'.

But, IS she wanted? She comes 3/4 times a year for 3/4 nights max and your wife thinks she treats your home like "a hotel". You have "soften your wife up" any time a visit (which causes "untold stress") is being planned. You say that you yourself are "apprehensive when she asks to come to stay".

I'm sure you and your wife are doing your best but I don't get the impression that it's "the god honest truth" that your mother is welcome.

As Lollipops said, you don't have to mind or entertain her. She has friends and family here who she stays with and knows her way around so telling her you have a busy calendar and have to arrange for someone to be around to look after her probably seems odd to her. I don't get the impression from your post that she expects you to drop everything and clear your schedule ... I get the impression that you use that as a delay tactic ...?

Actually, it really doesn't sound like you all have gotten over the issue in the first part of your post and I think being honest about that with yourselves (you and your wife) is the only way to get over it.

Nobody in this scenario appears to me to be particularly unreasonable. But I think this business of pretending there's no issue, will mean the issue will never go away. If you'd prefer her to stay with someone else and just visit with you, say so.

gigawatt2007

LittleBook wrote: »

But, IS she wanted? She comes 3/4 times a year for 3/4 nights max and your wife thinks she treats your home like "a hotel". You have "soften your wife up" any time a visit (which causes "untold stress") is being planned. You say that you yourself are "apprehensive when she asks to come to stay".

I'm sure you and your wife are doing your best but I don't get the impression that it's "the god honest truth" that your mother is welcome.

As Lollipops said, you don't have to mind or entertain her. She has friends and family here who she stays with and knows her way around so telling her you have a busy calendar and have to arrange for someone to be around to look after her probably seems odd to her. I don't get the impression from your post that she expects you to drop everything and clear your schedule ... I get the impression that you use that as a delay tactic ...?

Actually, it really doesn't sound like you all have gotten over the issue in the first part of your post and I think being honest about that with yourselves (you and your wife) is the only way to get over it.

Nobody in this scenario appears to me to be particularly unreasonable. But I think this business of pretending there's no issue, will mean the issue will never go away. If you'd prefer her to stay with someone else and just visit with you, say so.

Of course she's wanted, I do enjoy the time when she's around now that there's no power struggle over the baby between my mother and my wife. And I have thought to myself would life be easier if she didn't visit and ti absolutely wouldn't I love seeing her with my own son.

WRT the delay tactic, I've made the mistake before of saying 'Sound job' looking forward to it, that only opens the door to my wife to say she's not being consulted and that 'my family use the place as a hotel booking in when they want without even checking with me'.

You are right though she genuinely doesn't want us to drop everything, however I've come to an arrangement with my wife to be around when my mother is so that I can keep on 'my mother taking over' as it's so eloquently put.

Lollipops23

gigawatt2007 wrote: »

You are right though she genuinely doesn't want us to drop everything, however I've come to an arrangement with my wife to be around when my mother is so that I can keep on 'my mother taking over' as it's so eloquently put.

In fairness, it's your wife's house too. I wouldn't be impressed if it was just landed on me either- you could say to your mam that you just need to make sure there's no one else penciled in to stay that week etc or that you won't be away.

I don't think it's unreasonable to tell someone you'll be back to them to confirm it's all good to go when they're staying with you. It's your house, not your mam's.

Calhoun

gigawatt2007 wrote: »

That side has eased by explaining to my own mother that she needs to relax and by helping my wife understand that we see her folks 1/2 times a month and she needs to give up control every so often.....so eventually that side of things have eased off

I think you have enough advice on the thread already so i don't have much to add but this piece of your original post stuck out the most.

Why does your wife have to give up any control of her child? I think if this was nipped in the bud your life might be allot easier. It is your wifes child so your mother should be the one to back off within reason (i have no idea what it is that she actually does) but the experience should be pleasant for all at home.

I accept that this is her first grand child and she lives out of the country but i would be a bit put out if i had someone swoop in every couple of months to my home and try take stuff over.

iguana

I think your posts come across as very dismissive of your wife's feelings, tbh. The fact is that for most people, having their in laws come to stay is very stressful, especially when there is a baby involved. I know I found having my in laws to stay very stressful and I know my husband finds it the same when my parents come to stay. It's not that either set of our parents necessarily does anything wrong but it's difficult to relax in your own home when you have guests who are neither your friends nor your own family. It's also not something that can be compared to regular visits to/from them if each visit is only for a few hours at a time. I see a lot more of my in laws when I live in the same city as them but I find that infinitely more enjoyable and less stressful than having them come to stay a couple of times a year was.

To make matters worse, it sounds like your mother has a history of pushing unasked for advice on your wife about how she runs her home and more importantly raises your son. Even if she has since stopped, at your insistence, it will mean it is very difficult for your wife to relax around her. There should never, ever have been a power struggle between your wife and mother about the baby. The baby might be your mother's grandson but that gives her absolutely zero entitlement to him. From day one you needed to be aware of that and if you had any inclination that your mother would try to assert herself over the baby, you needed to be backing up your wife all the way. And if your wife had felt secure that her role as mother was not being threatened the odds are she would have felt much happier to hand the baby over to your mother for cuddles, etc, whenever it was a good time for the baby to be with her.

I'm expecting my first baby in a few months and the fact that I know my husband is determined to nip any attempt his mum might make to take over with the baby in the bud from day one, makes me much more willing to carve out time for her to spend with the baby and work out what activities she can 'take charge' of when she visits. If I was being told that I'd 'need to give up control' to his mother I can guarantee relations would turn very sour very quickly and I'd be a hell of a lot less comfortable with any planned visits.

Ellsbells

So she stays max 3/4 night up to 5 times per year... therefore your wife only has to deal with her for max 20 days per year and she is giving out. I think your wife is well out of order. Its her in laws and sure she can suck it up for that short amount of time???

deisemum

A person should be able to be comfortable in their own home and not have to suck it up having an overbearing mother-in-law overstep the mark. If the mother-in-law's not happy about it she should remember she's in someone else's home or stay with another friend or relation or local hotel.

gara

To be honest, it sounds from the entire tone of your post that your wife calls all the shots in your household and your main priority is pandering to her (or 'softening' as you call it)

Your wife is clearly resentful of these visits -a few visits a year hardly makes your house a hotel and is a serious overreaction on her behalf. And why on earth is she perched on your shoulder monitoring your phone calls to your Mum? Smacks of control freakery and she really needs to back off and start affording you some thinking space as an adult and some respect for your family.

I think it's pretty horrible that your mother feels under a compliment to visit her own family and baby grandson a few times a year snd trust me, people don't usually pick up on vibes of being unwanted unless they're there.

She's your Mum and your son's Grandmother, wanting to see her family a few times a year is hardly too much to ask

LegacyUser

We were in same situation.

Mother-in Law stayed in local B&B. Was perfect. They visited for a few hours a day, but we had evening to ourselves, and more importantly our little boy's bedtime routine stayed intact.

We all got on so much better than ever before.

It's never nice being in someone's house for days on end....not nice for them, not nice for you.

jessiejam

At least your mother shows an interest in your son. Shes obviously coming over to spend time with you and him. Why don't ye both use the time that your parents are home to spend some quality time together. Go out even go away for the night without your son.

I would be delighted with the break if i were in your shoes!

Your wife is not looking at the advantages just the disadvantages.
Could she be jealous that your parents show more of an interest than hers?

Mighty_Mouse

It sounds like your wife is the source of the problems here.
What exactly do you mean by your mother is overbearing towards your child?

What can this possibly mean? She brings presents, wants to spend time with them, lavishes them with love and kindness ?

I was sat in the middle making sure my wife didn't flip at my ma being all over the baby

Whats wrong with being all over the baby?
Is this type of extreme over-protection even healthy for the child?


The fact that you have to have your wife sitting beside you on personal calls stikes me as odd. There's a real vibe that your wife is super-dominant.


The fact that you answer your mother who only visits 3-4 times per year with "Ill check the diary" .....or we need to organise "someone to look after you"........."you can't expect fanfare".......is horrifically cruel to your mother.
My heart bleeds for your mum to be honest.

It appears to me your mother is making ever effort possible to play a role in your life; and you through some kind of fear or deference to your wifes unreasonable feelings are stopping her.

Why do you even feel the need to take time off work?
Or have someone to "look after" your mother?
Or have any sort of "fanfare"?
She's your feckin mother, not some tourist or a guest in your B&B.
She's family.

Why don't ye leavce the child with the grandmother & head out for a night or go away to a hotel somewhere?
The house doesn't need to be spotless, the dinners don't have to be special, ..........etc....Im sure your mother just wants to hang out, she just wants to see her grandchildren?

Why does such a simple act require so much drama & planning & negotiations & etc etc etc .........it sounds exhausting?

Is there something I am missing here?

IMO the first thing you should do is tell your wife to pull herself together and stop being such a pain the hole.

my family use the place as a hotel booking in when they want without even checking with me'.

How bitter, unwelcoming, manipulative, domineering, selfish,............is your wife?
A poster above said you don't consult your wifes feelings!!! You are bending over backwards, to the point of damaging your relationship with your family!!!
What about your feelings?
Your wife is driving a wedge between you and your family.
Are you not to remain close to your own family? Your own mother?

I am thrilled for people to visit.
There's no better feeling when the back door swings and a friend, family, neighbour pops in for a cuppa & a chat.

iguana

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

What can this possibly mean? She brings presents, wants to spend time with them, lavishes them with love and kindness ?


Whats wrong with being all over the baby?
Is this type of extreme over-protection even healthy for the child?

It possibly means that the mother is overly critical of his wife, doesn't respect her parenting decisions, undermines the routine she has established with the child. If you'd ever seen the result of an attentive granny lavishing love on a baby who is desperate to sleep, not paying attention to the baby's body language because they are too busy being granny to pay attention to the fact that the baby is a person of it's own, you'd know just what was wrong with it. Having had to deal with a baby who is in distress for days after having it's routine upended by it's grandmother, I have every sympathy for any new mother who finds herself in that situation. Babies aren't toys, what the grandmother wants to do is utterly irrelevant if it conflicts with what the baby needs.

The fact that you have to have your wife sitting beside you on personal calls stikes me as odd. There's a real vibe that your wife is super-dominant.

Is this for real? The odds are he and his wife are in the room together when his mother rings and he just stays in the room during the call, y'know like normal people do.

The fact that you answer your mother who only visits 3-4 times per year with "Ill check the diary" .....or we need to organise "someone to look after you"........."you can't expect fanfare".......is horrifically cruel to your mother.
My heart bleeds for your mum to be honest.

Horrifically cruel? Because if his mother invites herself to stay he has to check with the person he lives with if it's convenient? How dare his wife want to be consulted about what happens in her own home, that dominant shrew! Um no, it's rude to invite yourself to stay with someone else, even if that person is your son. Even if he lives alone she should be asking if the dates she has in mind are convenient to him, not just assuming he'll fall in with her plans. He could have any number of things planned, as could his wife. Him checking with his wife about a visit is normal behaviour in a healthy marriage, his mother having a problem with that is extremely self-absorbed of her. Even if I want to visit my family home I check with my Mum or Dad first if my dates are convenient to them all the while accepting that they might not be good dates and that they may not know off the top of their heads if they are or not and might have to get back to me. I certainly don't get upset about it or feel unloved. I just accept that even though they are my family, they are not there for my convenience and have lives that are important to them, not centred on when I might feel like dropping by.

She's your feckin mother, not some tourist or a guest in your B&B.
She's family.

She's not his wife's family and expecting her to behave as if she is, is a sure fire way of making things more stressful. I adore my in-laws and they are fantastic people, but they aren't my family, I'm not able to relax around them like I am my own or when we don't have visitors. And my own parents are about as far from judgemental and overbearing as you can get, I adore having them to stay, but I can still understand and respect that they are not my husband's family and when they visit he can find it stressful and doesn't exactly feel at home in our home. Because we each understand that, we do what we can to make it easier on each other, that way we are more comfortable with the visit and more amenable to the next one. It ultimately makes everyone closer in the long run, where expecting a close relationship to exist when it doesn't, is a pretty good way of making sure it never happens.

iguana

jessiejam wrote: »

Could she be jealous that your parents show more of an interest than hers?

Her parents that live nearby and see her and the child every week or so. How exactly is his mother showing more interest than hers?

Ellsbells

The mil is family - they should be lucky she is alive and takes such interest

jimmycrackcorm

I think the wife is the problem here. I'd wager that she would not treat her own mother the same way. I cannot fathom why such intermittent visits should be allowed to be so problematic.

There's no easy answer because essentially you have to enforce equality by saying that both sets of in-laws need to be treated the same which means a lot more cutting off hers.
I think you are really weak in treating your parents the way you are doing. Would you want your child growing up and treating you the way you are treating your mother?

jessiejam

iguana wrote: »

It possibly means that the mother is overly critical of his wife, doesn't respect her parenting decisions, undermines the routine she has established with the child. If you'd ever seen the result of an attentive granny lavishing love on a baby who is desperate to sleep, not paying attention to the baby's body language because they are too busy being granny to pay attention to the fact that the baby is a person of it's own, you'd know just what was wrong with it. Having had to deal with a baby who is in distress for days after having it's routine upended by it's grandmother, I have every sympathy for any new mother who finds herself in that situation. Babies aren't toys, what the grandmother wants to do is utterly irrelevant if it conflicts with what the baby needs.

The "baby" is a 2 year old boy not a 2 week old baby for god sake. I would agree with this comment if it was a tiny baby I've been there.. twice. Its nice that a mil showers her grandson with love and affection. I would give anything if my mother were alive today to do the same. Maybe op's wife needs to relax a little.

jessiejam

iguana wrote: »

Her parents that live nearby and see her and the child every week or so. How exactly is his mother showing more interest than hers?

1/2 times a month he said. If your parents were living close by would you think this is enough of an effort to see your grandson?..
Maybe the op and his wife are always the ones calling to the wifes parents house and her parents never call to their house.. and maybe dont make as much as an effort as her in-laws?

Who knows but it could be another reason the wife is so put out.

Big Bag of Chips

A lot of people are saying the visits are intermittent, and not that regular... But they are 4 or 5 times a year, for 3 or 4 days!

That's every 2-3 months. I like my in-laws, but I would hate to have to be "on" and entertain them every 10 weeks or so for 4 days.

I love my own parents but I think having them as house guests fairly regularly (and this is a regular thing, in my eyes!) would start to wear thin after a while!

Maybe his wife doesn't get on all that well with his mother... She doesn't have to! I like my own in-laws. I get on with them. They visit at most twice a year to stay for a few days, and I LOVE when they go home! As does my husband! If I was waving them off,knowing it was just 10 short weeks before they'd be back again, and I'd have to paste on my smile and play hostess with the mostest.. then I dont know would I be so enthusiastic about their visits.

Having friends over to stay, and having the in-laws to stay are different things. Maybe not everyone feels like that, and would enjoy entertaining people every 10 weeks.. but honestly, I would get tired of it after a while.

And the poster who says the baby is 2 years old, and not 2 weeks? He was 2 weeks at one stage.. and maybe it was at that stage "mother in law knows best" was at her peak!

We are more tolerant of our own family. My mother is a bit of a know all... But she doesn't bother me, because I'm used to her, and grew up with her. She drives my husband up the wall! And I have to respect that he can't stay in the same room as her for too long! :P

Lollipops23

gara wrote: »

To be honest, it sounds from the entire tone of your post that your wife calls all the shots in your household and your main priority is pandering to her (or 'softening' as you call it)

Your wife is clearly resentful of these visits -a few visits a year hardly makes your house a hotel and is a serious overreaction on her behalf. And why on earth is she perched on your shoulder monitoring your phone calls to your Mum? Smacks of control freakery and she really needs to back off and start affording you some thinking space as an adult and some respect for your family.

I think it's pretty horrible that your mother feels under a compliment to visit her own family and baby grandson a few times a year snd trust me, people don't usually pick up on vibes of being unwanted unless they're there.

She's your Mum and your son's Grandmother, wanting to see her family a few times a year is hardly too much to ask

His mother isn't even asking if it's ok to some and stay for X dates, she's telling him. She sounds quite demanding. His wife deserves a say in when she has to share her home.
The power struggle over the baby would also leave lasting impressions, especially when the MIL is still probably thinking all the things she did before about her doing stuff wrong.
You sound like someone who's never had difficult inlaws.

looksee

It isn't necessary to push all the arguements to extremes! There is a slightly frazzled mum trying to get on with her life and look after a baby, there is a 'caught in the middle' dad trying to figure out what is the best way to suit everyone, and there is a granny floating on and off the stage somewhat oblivious to the hassle she is causing.

Granny says ' oh are you sure its ok, I don't want to put you out, are you sure it will be convenient, I will be welcome? She is talking to her son, she means that quite sincerely but doesn't feel a need to wrap it up in visitor speak.

Son 'hears' mother asking pointed questions, hinting that wife is creating issues. He 'hears' wife thinking out loud about what will need to be done and takes it that she is suggesting it will be a lot of hassle.

Wife thinks of all the tidying and sorting she will feel obliged to do to accommodate them

Parents/inlaws turn up, make a big fuss of child - wife tries to keep routine going, Son sees conflict because he feels between the two. If Granny doesn't make big fuss of child she is not interested. She can't win.

So, OP, stop trying to please everyone, and looking for problems that you are possibly overstating. Make a lot more effort to do what needs to be done while your mother is there - including cooking, cleaning and minding the child. Make your mother welcome, but support your wife, your mother is capable of looking after herself (and you have to continue living with your wife!)

At the same time, this is your mother and your wife needs to understand that she is family. If you have enough space - ie bedrooms - it would be churlish not to have them stay, but if it is really causing hassle then maybe suggesting a b&b will be necessary. I get the impression that both your parents come? How does your father contribute to this situation? Or does he just wisely keep his head down?

This situation will change though, you could have more children, she could become less mobile, this is not a situation that is going to go on for ever, maybe stop stressing a bit and put up with it for now.

Mighty_Mouse

It possibly means that the mother is overly critical of his wife, doesn't respect her parenting decisions, undermines the routine she has established with the child.

It's possible but it's not what the OP said.
Hence, my original question to the OP.

Babies aren't toys,

How condescending.
The OP's mother raised kids didn't she?

How dare his wife want to be consulted about what happens in her own home, that dominant shrew! .

I never said don't consult.
I said the decision as to whether his mother should come to visit is essentially his. Chat to the wife afterwards and sort out the details re timing, planning etc.
3-4 times per year for a few days...........It really doesn’t have to be such a big deal.

Um no, it's rude to invite yourself to stay with someone else, even if that person is your son

I find this really odd.
My family are close, in each others pockets type. Everyone drifts in and out whenever suits and it works. People visit, help out, stay over if things get late, leave early the next morning.........etc ..

For me it's the way family’s should function.
Why throw up barriers?
Block natural human interaction with these pretentious, nonsensical,, arguments about distressed babies, military planning & preparation operations, extensive politicking to make sure everybody is happy, every last detail talked to death?
It creates such a negative, cold, hostile environment.

Big Bag of Chips

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

My family are close, in each others pockets type. Everyone drifts in and out whenever suits and it works. People visit, help out, stay over if things get late, leave early the next morning.........etc ..

For me it's the way family’s should function.
Why throw up barriers?

Not all people are like you! I wouldn't be too bothered with my family coming to stay, honestly it doesn't bother me all that much that my in-laws come to stay... But my husband doesn't like it.

He doesn't like people calling in unannounced. He doesn't like extended house guests.

He's not wrong to feel like that. It just a personal preference.

Just because an open house is your policy and works in your family, doesn't mean everyone else should feel the same.

I do think though it would be difficult to stop your parents coming OP. Instead what you need to do is stop treating your mother hs a guest who you need to entertain 24/7. She's your mother. She visits very regularly.. she's no longer a 'guest'.

When she comes carry on with your life. Your mam (and dad) manage to live abroad without you minding them, so I'm sure they can look after themselves when back 'home'.

And your wife should also feel that she can carry on with her daily business, without consulting/checking with them at evey step.

3DataModem

looksee wrote: »

Just as a general aside, I think there will come a visit when suddenly you realise that you have 'moved on' and you will see your mother in a slightly different light. You will still love and care for her, but somehow the pressure of her being 'your mother' will be gone and you can relax and engage with her as two adults.

So very, very, very, true.

Mighty_Mouse

He doesn't like people calling in unannounced.

It's at the very least anti-social.
Overtime people get the hint and just stop calling.

Is the path to isolation really to be encouraged?
Do we build our garden walls higher, our driveways longer, communicate only through pre-arranged contrived meetings, or americanised "playdates", slowy losing interest and contact with those in the community around us. Is the the focus on "the kids" regimental routine the all-powerful deciding factor as parenting becomes increasingly forensic and intensly scientific reaching to find the edge that makes their little robot even more special?

How boring.

Is being comfortable with different types of people and unnanounced visits not a basic skill in human interaction which encourages your kids to be responsive, engaging. Plugging into the wider community starts through plugging into your wider family. Caring for the people who care for you starts with how you welcome & engage with them.
People don't want fanfare or displays of material affection. The want social interaction, love and affection. The OP's parents just want to be part of their lives. The more people you have if your life who care about you the better.

It seems to be the modern Irish family is out to combat all spontaneity.

Big Bag of Chips

Some people are social.. some aren't.

Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same!

Lollipops23

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

It's at the very least anti-social.
Overtime people get the hint and just stop calling.

I don't think so, I think it's presumptuous of someone to think you're free to drop everything to hang out with them. I know my days off are precious, between getting stuff done at home and seeing people I've arranged to see, I wouldn't have a whole lot of time for randomers dropping by. I think it's disrespectful of your time.

looksee

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I don't think so, I think it's presumptuous of someone to think you're free to drop everything to hang out with them. I know my days off are precious, between getting stuff done at home and seeing people I've arranged to see, I wouldn't have a whole lot of time for randomers dropping by. I think it's disrespectful of your time.

Some people like to be casual and spontanteous, others prefer their lives to be organised and predictable. Either is fine, your choice is your choice, as bboc says, everyone does not have to be the same and if you think it is presumptious of people to drop in, fine, but that's just an opinion. Likewise if you prefer that the door should be always open, also fine.

Either way this is irrelevant to the OP's question, the mother is not dropping in, she is arranging to visit, that is not the issue.

gigawatt2007

Thanks for all the replies.

Think I'm just going to have to toughen up and get both women in line a little bit as I honestly can't keep going on this way, suiting everyone else but myself.

The current approach hasn't worked so time to change tack a bit and treat my wife the way she treats me and tell it like it is and with my mother will just have to let her have her insecurities and treat her as fairly as possible.

Lollipops23

gigawatt2007 wrote: »

Think I'm just going to have to toughen up and get both women in line a little bit as I honestly can't keep going on this way, suiting everyone else but myself.
.

Maybe I read wrong, but your wife doesn't sound like she's being unreasonable at all. It's your mum who needs handling here- she needs to stop expecting the welcome wagon every time she gets home; she's staying at yours, but she's not a run of the mill house guest.

okiss

You mother rings and tells you what date she is coming to stay in your house.
You then tell her I have to see if the date suits - as you have to find out if it suits both your wife and you work wise. Your mother then keeps ringing you telling you it does not suit you to have me here on such a date a week before she comes to stay in your house. She is landing on you every 2 to 3 months for 3 or 4 days at a time. Your wife has a small baby and has to do a major clean on the house, get food in and cook the meals your mother likes and keep her happy when your in work ect. Your mother meanwhile could be telling her what to do and how to do things for the baby, be like your wife' shadow and poking her noise where it is not wanted.
I would chat to your other relatives and see if your mother could stay with them more often or for 2 nights each time she comes back to Ireland.
I would tell your mother Mam I have to check if I am available the days you want to come home and I don't want you ringing every day before you stay in my house telling me it does not suit me. If you keep doing this you can stay with ////. I would also tell her that the next time rings to arrange a visit that's great Mam as me and your wife were just talking about going away for 2 nights and we can do that if you mind the baby.
This will give you and your wife a brake and it may stop your mother expecting your and your wife to be on call for her each time she comes back. If your mother gets a few overnight baby sitting jobs she will start to stay with the other relatives and just call to see you when she is in Ireland.

CathyMoran

OP - Your mother sounds unfair to me and is trying to stir up trouble between you and your wife - do not let her. Of course your wife and you should discuss if it suits for her to visit or not - she and your child are your main responsibility now. Your mother chose to live away - maybe lyou could ask her visit when it suits you, she could work around you and she certainly should not be critical of your wife, could she be jelous that "little boy" has grown up and she is not the main person is his life any more?