coming out advice/stories for a country girl

another new one

right so i know there is countless threads for coming out advice/stories but am looking for ones related to country situations, i mean people living in the rural country whos family possibly arent too gay friendly or just arent familiar with it all..if ya have any advice or such stories i would soooo appreciate it!


am thinking of coming out but with living in the country and having a family whos not soo gay familiar..its gonna be a hard one! but i think am now comfortable enough in meself to tell them...time will tell i guess

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I come from rural Ireland and came out to my family at 21 (I am 26 now). I told my mother and three siblings but never told my Dad. He is very much a country man and has rarely left the county, I am quite happy for him not to know, for the minute.

Those of my family who I did tell were very shocked and couldn't accept it for a long time, it was a kind of a 'what will the neighbours think' mentality. However in time they started to realise I am still the same person regardless of who I am attracted to and now fully support me. My mother in particular really goes out of her way to take an interest in LGBT issues and trust me she really is very much a country woman! I am now one of many lesbians in the village

You will know yourself when the time is right to tell them and if the initial reaction is not how you would have hoped...trust me it will get much better with time. I always wanted a thread on this subject as I am very interested to find out how people have got on in rural Ireland coming out.

I wish you the very best of luck OP!

another new one

A Country Woman! wrote: »

Hey OP,

I come from rural Ireland and came out to my family at 21 (I am 26 now). I told my mother and three siblings but never told my Dad. He is very much a country man and has rarely left the county, I am quite happy for him not to know, for the minute.

Those of my family who I did tell were very shocked and couldn't accept it for a long time, it was a kind of a 'what will the neighbours think' mentality. However in time they started to realise I am still the same person regardless of who I am attracted to and now fully support me. My mother in particular really goes out of her way to take an interest in LGBT issues and trust me she really is very much a country woman! I am now one of many lesbians in the village

You will know yourself when the time is right to tell them and if the initial reaction is not how you would have hoped...trust me it will get much better with time. I always wanted a thread on this subject as I am very interested to find out how people have got on in rural Ireland coming out.

I wish you the very best of luck OP!

Do ya think ya'll ever tell your daddy?
Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine! Though I actually started by telling someone..
Your so right bout just knowing when it's right to tell someone, I was literally just dying to tell, felt like it was bursting out of me and I knew no one was going to come straight out and ask it but if they had of I woulda just told em ya know? So I finally just came out with it, feels like a weight is lifted of me heart ya know!
Hoping it'll all go good from here on out..
Hope the same for yourself too..from one country woman to another!

LegacyUser

Fair play to you for knowing when the time was right, It is a huge weight off one's shoulders and the relief is immense. The relief I felt after telling my Mother, I am very close to her but I felt I was pushing myself away from her prior to coming out. She really had no idea but I really can't get over her unconditional support in the last year. As for Daddy, perhaps in time, but I am quite happy and comfortable with myself for him not to know, everyone's situation is different and that is just mine with Daddy, he really is a rural man.

I moved back to the country after six years away and have to say I will find it hard to leave when I do. I think the attitude is starting to gradually change in rural Ireland, it's a good bit behind the Urban areas, but it is certainly getting there, slowly but surely OP!

I have a boards account, but I would prefer to post anonymously on this particular topic.

Aurongroove

I think I've already given the jist of my "outing" else where in the forum but pour vous, seeing's I am a child of the country, here's a more psychologically considered version of the affair complete with things I didn't realize were on my mind that were on my mind at the time that I've since realized.

Our dad left us when we were young to go work but while he was abroad he drank, didn't earn much and after some lack lustre attempts to visit he wound up leaving us for good for his new life and new family.

I only had a Mum, Brothers and Sisters and an extended family to come out to but when I did, everyone was fine with it.


For me the hardest person to come out to was "myself". I can look back now and say I was quite "personally homophobic". I didn't mind other people being gay, they're not me: they can do what they like, but me!? I saw it as about the biggest flaw I could possibly have on par with the worst of disabilities. I likened it to not being a man at all, being infertile and being incurably insane all at the same time. and this really jarred with me; I've never had a transgendered bone in my body and even as a kid I've always enjoyed my status as 100% male. (at the time you see I would've associated homosexuality with being a 'sissy')

As the oldest of all my brothers and at the time trying very hard to set a good example for them and provide something of the role model our Dad wasn't; the odds weren't great. I was already the fat, stupid loser of my local school, and now I had secretly being gay added to the pile. I felt I was letting my family down especially my youngest brother (who more then anyone else I would try to be a good role model for). Letting my family down like our Dad did, and I was his son and here I go ****ing everything up: there was nothing I could do about it except think "**** it, my life is more or less over now I KNOW I'm a freak. I will however not give destiny or the universe the satisfaction of me caving" so I lied, did my job, acted brave and sensible when I needed to be while playing the part of a who I was. It was easy anyways, no one expected much except the odd good joke and the odd temper tantrum.
It was almost as if I treated my gay discovery as though a doctor told me I had a year or two to live and that I decided to keep it a secret long enough to not make my family feel that they're losing an older brother nor to give the 'condition' I had contracted a single once of satisfaction that it ****ed me over royally.

At the time I didn't realise I was so wrapped up, but I was, and my point is; whatever about your family or others and their reactions. It's only once you're on the outside looking in you begin to understand yourself again and figure yourself out. I was thinking too narrow mindedly. None of my family cared I was gay, it was a novelty yes, but a week of tentative jokes, followed by a month or so of proper jokes and it's long since old news that nobody thinks about.

I hope you have a family that reacts likewise and that all the demons you imagine pouring out when you tell your family, friends and it becoming general public knowledge are just in your head like mine were.

baby and crumble

Hey op, I came out to my family when I was 21. My mam told my dad for me, and then I old my brothers. There may have been issues about it for my dad but to give him credit he never said a word bad about it to me. I don't know how many of the locals know, since I live in Dublin now, but at mams funeral a couple of years ago my gf was obviously with the family, holding my hand, helping with the stuff my brothers gf was doing too... It must have been obvious. Same for my brothers wedding, she was my plus one, no-one cared.

I actually think sometimes people in rural Ireland can be a bit more open
Minded about all this- possibly because we all know each other so well, when someone comes out its hard to suddenly go from "isn't she lovely, she's great gas!" to "damn her to hell!!!" You know?

1ZRed

I don't know how I managed to miss it this!

OP, I'm in the same exact position. I'm from the west, deep west I should add, and I'm in the process of coming out.
I'm going to be the first openly gay or gay guy at all (that anyone ever knew of) in my family on both sides, EVER! so it's a bit dawnting to say the least. Again, I think it could be a big case of "what will the neighbours say" too, but I know my imidiate family will be fine and acceptant of it, albeit shocked I'm sure.

I came out to my sister not so long ago and it's gone down more than fine. A total non issue actually. Tbh, I'm not worried about it anymore. I know my family will support me, and since I don't plan on hanging around this area forever or for longer than I need to, I say fuck the rest if I get mistreated.

But I'm still getting there and working out how I stand on everything before I dive right off the deep end and bare all it all to everyone. I'm under some slightly harder circumstances given the area and the mindset that still surrounds some of the older generation, much like yourself, so I need to be sure I'm fully capable to take it all on for my own good and be prepared if things don't go quite to plan.
As I said, I'm confidant they'll be supportive once they get over the shock of it. My sister said it's not even a big deal in this day and age and is being very supportive so that's a good start positive start I think.

Yeah it won't be easy but I think this has shaped me in a good way and I've learned to toughen up and fight harder for myself because of it. Always a good thing.
I suppose my issue is that since I'm a guy, I might not be considered one of the lads anymore in the eyes of some of my relatives and cousins eventhough I'm more than capable of keeping up with, and in some cases, exceeding them. That's really my only worry because they're just not used to anything other than the stereotype. But I suppose it's best to shake up the rampant homophobia around here too and let them know that the guy they go drinking with and have the laugh with is still the same, only gay.

Other than that though, I'm sure it'll all work out completely fine, and given enough time for the dust to settle, everything will be back to normal again.
I suppose it's best to only look at the situation this way and hope for the best. Doing it the other way has brought me nothing but a lot of confiction with myself, so I'm not doing it that way anymore.

Anyway OP I'm sure everything will be alright with you and you're family will support you as long as you're confident and happy with your decision. I'm learning that the reactions in your head are never as bad in reality.

Annasopra

1ZRed wrote: »

I'm going to be the first openly gay or gay guy at all (that anyone ever knew of) in my family on both sides, EVER!

I bet anything you won't be. Many people think this then years later they discover an auntie or uncle that nobody talked of and his/her story was hushed up and kept a secret. Do you not have any Aunts or Uncles that are bachelors/spinsters?

1ZRed

mango salsa wrote: »

1ZRed wrote: »

I'm going to be the first openly gay or gay guy at all (that anyone ever knew of) in my family on both sides, EVER!

I bet anything you won't be. Many people think this then years later they discover an auntie or uncle that nobody talked of and his/her story was hushed up and kept a secret. Do you not have any Aunts or Uncles that are bachelors/spinsters?

No I will be. All my aunts and uncles are with people and married.

I know I'm not the first gay man in my family but I'm going to be the first that anyone ever knew of. You wouldn't believe what I've heard from some of my relations regarding being gay and they don't suspect for a second anyone gay is in the family.

Of course I know I'm not the only one, I said I will be the only one that anyone ever knew of. Well until the younger generation come along that is.

Aurongroove

same boat, or rather was the same boat IZRed.

I strongly suspect one of my uncles is/was gay and never came out.

I happen to be the gay trial blazer in my family on both sides.

baby and crumble

Yeah, I''m pretty sure my great aunt was a lesbian, although a quiet and slightly secret one. She rocked.

Annasopra

1ZRed wrote: »

No I will be. All my aunts and uncles are with people and married.

I know I'm not the first gay man in my family but I'm going to be the first that anyone ever knew of. You wouldn't believe what I've heard from some of my relations regarding being gay and they don't suspect for a second anyone gay is in the family.

Of course I know I'm not the only one, I said I will be the only one that anyone ever knew of. Well until the younger generation come along that is.

Thats my point though. I mean the hidden ones that are deliberately kept secret. They're in every family when you go digging a bit.

another new one

A Country Woman! wrote: »

Fair play to you for knowing when the time was right, It is a huge weight off one's shoulders and the relief is immense. The relief I felt after telling my Mother, I am very close to her but I felt I was pushing myself away from her prior to coming out. She really had no idea but I really can't get over her unconditional support in the last year. As for Daddy, perhaps in time, but I am quite happy and comfortable with myself for him not to know, everyone's situation is different and that is just mine with Daddy, he really is a rural man.

I moved back to the country after six years away and have to say I will find it hard to leave when I do. I think the attitude is starting to gradually change in rural Ireland, it's a good bit behind the Urban areas, but it is certainly getting there, slowly but surely OP!

I have a boards account, but I would prefer to post anonymously on this particular topic.

I totally understand your choice to leave a comment under anonymous but feel free to message me concerning whats been mentioned at any time if ya need someone to talk too ya know?
I think rural men will always be the same..stuck in their old ways, sure as they say, ya cant teach an old dog new tricks ya know?
its just what theyre used too and anything else seems completely wild and unheard of if ya ask me..though am not a country man soooo..i could be wrong :P
can i ask right..do ya go out much to gay bars etc? or do ya just hope ya meet a girl in the run of your usual daily life?

Moon Indigo

I have a tiny bit of experience of coming out in a town and with my gf when she came out in a rural setting.

I am originally from a city as are my parents and we moved to a small town. I though when I first came out at 17 this would somehow make it easier or them more accepting. It didn't. They though it was a phase at first (some phase I'm now 29!). Given time and space and adjustment things settled into place. I then moved back to the city and all this time my gf was going through the process of coming out.

She lived in a very rural area I mean tree's for company :P! Her parents were older parents and she is the baby of the family. All of this coupled with some bygone attitudes a good mix did not make. We/She found they were just not getting the point that I had not 'turned' her gay so to speak and we were a couple that could last. We went through alot and eventually after again time and space was given like before they kind of had no choice but to accept the seriousness of our relationship.

Long story short. I now live in that rural area with my gf . Its just a mute subject in many respects. Its known but not talked about and I would not push it now going around waving flags or wearing badges saying 'I'm gay'. I suppose if that's your style cool for you.

The moral for me anyway was that it probably matters little were you come out, rural, urban or on Mars (which may happen soon!) the people you come out to don't suddenly change. They are the same person and if you give yourself the time to think and respect their time to adjust to this change you will be fine. Do what's comfortable with yourself in my view. There is usually one person who makes the brave step of facing their sexuality in an open way in almost every family. My question to myself was 'why can't that be me?'