How to trust him again?

LegacyUser

I am female and mid 30s. About 2yrs ago, I did a bit of online dating and met some guys. I really hit it off with one guy in particular and we were together for about 6wks - however, I discovered that he was texting other women from the dating site after the 6wks and we finished. Perhaps in hindsight, I was taking it all too seriously, because I had assumed that as were were a couple (we had met each others families etc), this would stop.

So I got over him but haven't been out with many people since.
We bumped into each other a little while ago - he has completely changed and we began dating again. I can't explain how different he is now - but he had come out of an ltr when we met originally, had lost his apartment and so on and was probably in a bad place. He has sworn to me that he will be faithful, hasn't given me any indication that he wants to be with anyone else etc and is constantly declaring he is mad about me.
But I am finding it almost impossible to trust him and am very close to checking his phone.
He is treating me very well, we are having a great time, have been on many dates and are even talking about going away for a holiday in august.
But the trust issue keeps niggling away at me.
Can I ever trust him again...how on earth do I learn to trust him entirely - there is a part of me that does trust him now, but based on our previous experience, the niggling doubts remain. Thanks for any advice.

P. Breathnach

Have you told him that you still have not got over the trust problem from the past?

LegacyUser

Yes, I have. He knows I'm finding it difficult and has offered to show me his phone and so on - but I also know he won't put up with this behaviour forever!

snafuk35

unregistered wrote: »

I am female and mid 30s. About 2yrs ago, I did a bit of online dating and met some guys. I really hit it off with one guy in particular and we were together for about 6wks - however, I discovered that he was texting other women from the dating site after the 6wks and we finished. Perhaps in hindsight, I was taking it all too seriously, because I had assumed that as were were a couple (we had met each others families etc), this would stop.

So I got over him but haven't been out with many people since.
We bumped into each other a little while ago - he has completely changed and we began dating again. I can't explain how different he is now - but he had come out of an ltr when we met originally, had lost his apartment and so on and was probably in a bad place. He has sworn to me that he will be faithful, hasn't given me any indication that he wants to be with anyone else etc and is constantly declaring he is mad about me.
But I am finding it almost impossible to trust him and am very close to checking his phone.
He is treating me very well, we are having a great time, have been on many dates and are even talking about going away for a holiday in august.
But the trust issue keeps niggling away at me.
Can I ever trust him again...how on earth do I learn to trust him entirely - there is a part of me that does trust him now, but based on our previous experience, the niggling doubts remain. Thanks for any advice.

You could say the same about anybody who is in a relationship.
You have no way of knowing they are cheating on you or not.
You are just going to have to trust the other person or else walk away.

P. Breathnach

Okay, so two years ago he did not commit to you as you felt you were entitled to expect. Were your expectations well-founded? In other words, what does "we were together for about 6wks" mean? Had you mutually agreed that you were in a relationship? Or were you trading on "reasonable expectations"?

What I am driving at (and sorry if it seems like an interrogation) is how well-founded your lack of trust is.

In any event, that was then, and now things have changed, particularly in his life circumstances. I infer that you see him almost as a different person. Okay, you obviously liked the person he was two years ago until his stupid behaviour got in the way. I get the impression that you like today's person even more. And you can see, if not a justification, perhaps some explanation for his past stupidity.

Every new relationship involves some emotional risk. You have to decide if the potential reward is worth the risk, and I think I know your answer: that it is. Part of the risk is that you have to struggle with your trust issue, and part of the struggle is to act as if it isn't an issue.

For his part, he owes you something for messing things up in the past - which is why he is offering you access to his phone and so on. So he is doing his bit to try to prove himself, and to get you through the trust problem. The rest is up to you.

dellas1979

Are ye just dating or is there committment there? Its not clear! I imagine he is in his late 30s? Maybe he just wasnt ready to settle down!

Honey-ec

I think maybe you overreacted a bit the first time around, and are still doing so to a degree. I'm seeing a guy I met online, we've been on around 6 dates too, but I'm also still active on the site and have a date tomorrow. I don't see this as a problem because myself and the first guy haven't had any kind of conversations about being exclusive and until we do, I don't see the issue. I would assume he's also seeing/messaging other people on the site.

I think *maybe* you got a bit ahead of yourself when you first met this guy and now you're creating a trust issue where there isn't one. Obviously, though, I'm just going on what you've posted here. If you had made an agreement that you were a couple and you subsequently found out that he was still active on the site, then that changes things. But if you just made an assumption, then I think maybe you're making a little bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input, particularly your reply P. Breathnach - what you said makes alot of sense.

To answer the questions, we had agreed that we were in a relationship the first time around - but in honesty, I didn't have anywhere near the feelings at that point as I do now. It was all very messy if I'm honest but for me, the lingering 'bad taste in my mouth' about that period with him, was that he was texting other women. For my part, I guess I was saying all the right things to him - but I didn't mean them. Now I do.

This time round, we are in a committed relationship - we have agreed that we don't want to see other people, are making each other very happy and my life has changed dramatically for the better since I've met him. He makes me very, very happy. It's a feeling I don't think I've ever experienced before and I guess I'm a bit scared.

'Every new relationship involves some emotional risk. You have to decide if the potential reward is worth the risk, and I think I know your answer: that it is. Part of the risk is that you have to struggle with your trust issue, and part of the struggle is to act as if it isn't an issue.'

I'll read that paragraph a few times - it makes alot of sense, thanks again.