Masturbation & Long Term Relationships

LegacyUser

Hi all, going unreg for this one.

I'm 26 / yo straight male who is seeing a 25 / yo female for 1.5
years. We live in separate apartments and have great sex several times
a week. This weekend topic of masturbation came up. She asked me if I
still masturbated and when I told her that I still do, maybe 2-3 times
a week (The truth is it's probably a bit more) and she was pretty
shocked.

I tried to explain to her, that for me, sex with her and masturbation
were two very different things. That sex with her is amazing and has
been getting better and better over the last year. However she
couldn't get past the idea that I masturbated was because I wasn't
satisfied with her. I asked her if she masturbates and she said very,
very rarely because fully satisfied by our sex life, so she doesn't
need to. She also said that for her sex is much more mental and about
the connection with the person you're with, which I completely
understand. I tried to explain that I don't masturbate because I need
to but because I want to. If I wake up in the morning by myself with
some morning wood, then it's just something that I do. The majority of
the time, I don't use porn and just go with my imagination.

How normal is it for people is long term relationships to completely
stop masturbating? I have the feeling that even if I had sex with my
girlfriend 3 times a day for a month, I'd still end up getting
touching myself before going to bed some night or morning when I'm by
myself. Is this a question of different libidos? Is she being
unreasonable by feeling hurt by the fact that I touch myself?

Any advice?

Sleepy

It's pretty much as close to abnormal as you can get for any sexually mature adult not to masturbate.

Her reaction would indicate she's either very insecure or has some hang-ups about normal sexual behaviour (not unusual in Ireland thanks to our history with the Catholic Church).

Don't let her make you feel guilty about this: it's her issues, not yours.

discus

A quick fix would be telling her that it's something you need to do for the times she's not there...

P. Breathnach

Sleepy wrote: »

... Her reaction would indicate she's either very insecure or has some hang-ups about normal sexual behaviour ....

Perhaps. I suspect, however, that it is simpler than that: she does not understand men.

Lawliet

discus wrote: »

A quick fix would be telling her that it's something you need to do for the times she's not there...

I don't know, that sounds like it would almost be laying the blame on her for not being at the OPs beak and call. She needs to understand that this is nothing against her, its just a natural thing that some guys do and its no reflection on their sex life or relationship.

AnonoBoy

She's either never asked the question before or been lied to by previous boyfriends.

Now she thinks it's odd when in fact it's totally normal.

Whatever you do don't lie to her, she'll either learn to accept it or not but while you don't need to bring it up - "Hey had a great w*nk this morning!" - it's not something that should be lied about because she has some notion that it's not ok for you to do sometimes.

Contessa Raven

She sounds very naive to think it's abnormal. I've been with my partner for several years and neither of us give a hoot about whether the other masturbates or not. As long as it doesn't negatively affect your sex life, why does it matter?

Just talk to her and explain that it has nothing to do with the state of your relationship. It is just a fun, pleasurable activity to do when you're alone and are in need of some relief. It is totally normal for people in long term relationships to still pleasure themselves. It shouldn't be a big deal. All you can do is reassure her that it's normal, healthy and not a substitute for sex with her.

Piliger

Hi OP. The comments above are right. You are perfectly normal. She seems very sheltered and naive or very very insecure. She is wrong in everything she is saying imho.

WumBuster

I know you are a relationship but i dont see why you should be obliged to discuss this with her.I wouldnt. Its your own business really, not hers. Does she try and pick fights over anything else?

Angeles

throwaway333 wrote: »

However she
couldn't get past the idea that I masturbated was because I wasn't
satisfied with her.

I usually counter this argument/thought with the challenge!
When ever a girl says that, counter say ok no problem, but if you want me to stop masturbating then we need to have sex 1-2 times a day every day and any additional time I feel horny. If agreed, this does 2 things, 1. promotes more sex and exploring for a while and 2 lets her realize her and your own limits.

The goal is to have enough sex to the point she will probably just tell you to masturbate so she can rest

If that doesn't work, you can take the logic, education and charming approach by saying
"Did you know on average, and i mean in averages (there are many exceptions), women have much less of a sex drive then men.. average.. simply because their sexual moods are strongly based on cycles, and example being when they are ovulating. Unfortunately men are not and we are in-fact naturally designed to spread their seed to multiple partners several times a day. The reason I don't follow this basic animal instinct is because I love/like/care (for) you and only you. So I actively control these dreadful natural primal urges by masturbating, all for you.

Damn, 50 shades of grey can go eat his heart out on that one!
Best of luck op.

OP I would certainly be wary before taking the advice of Angeles or Discus here. You made it pretty clear in the OP you are happy with your sex life with her. Any advice therefore where you make it feel like you are masturbating because of some lack on her part - be it that you want more sex or that she is absent or what not - is probably not the advice for you.

I think you put it best yourself in the OP. Sex and masturbation are different things. No matter how good or satisfying the former is many guys still find themselves indulging in the latter. In fact sex is like many things in life. The more you get the more you need - want - or are capable of. You could even mention to your girlfriend therefore that the more satisfying and great the sex is with her - the more of a sex drive you are likely to develop. So mastrubation is more the result of her being great at sex than - what she fears - her being bad at it!

You are certainly not weird or alone in this and if she has the idea that males in sexually satisfying relationships suddenly stop masturbating as a rule then she is quite simply wrong in that generalisation and quite often the exact opposite is true.

To make a simple analogy - Someone might cook you the most perfect Breakfasts, Lunches, Dinners and Suppers every single say. Occasionally when in the shop you will still grab and eat a Mars Bar though. This does not say anything about how good the quality, or how satisfying, the lovingly prepared meals are.

throwaway333

throwaway333 wrote: »

How normal is it for people is long term relationships to completely
stop masturbating?

personally I'd be a lot more worried about a partner who did not masturbate.

I don't know what else you can do except tell her again it is not about her or the two of you and your sex life, and suggest she read more about it because it seems a sheltered thing to think anyone would stop just because they're in a relationship

snafuk35

How about giving her update texts every time you masturbate and include a picture or a video so she doesn't feel left out? Or how about agreeing she should masturbate you herself instead of you having to do it? You could make it into something more fun and exciting.

throwaway333

OP here. Thank you to all of you for the replies. They've been very reassuring. I'm not hugely worried about this issue affecting our relationship. Just wanted a quick sanity check.

To follow up a little bit, my gf can be quite insecure and I reckon this is the source of most of the worry on her side. She's notoriously tough on herself, and I'd imagine this is partly where this hang ups are coming from.

I'm not going to change anything I do and to be honest I doubt it will even come back up in conversation. If it does come up, I'm certainly not going to lie about it, but at the same time I'm not going to go for the approach of challenging her to be there every time I want an orgasm, I don't think that would help our relationship.

I also like the food analogy. The one I tried to use was with beer. It's great when you go out for a few beers with a friend / friends, but every now and then it's nice to sit down after a long day and have a cold beer by yourself to unwind.

Thanks again

Maple

given the OP's girlfriend is uncomfortable at the thought of the OP masturbating, I fail to see to see why you think providing her with text updates when he does so would be helpful. This response is bordering on the ridiculous. Keep your responses constructive going forward.

Maple

snafuk35 wrote: »

How about giving her update texts every time you masturbate and include a picture or a video so she doesn't feel left out? Or how about agreeing she should masturbate you herself instead of you having to do it? You could make it into something more fun and exciting.

gypsy_rose

Some of the advice in here is..medicore at best.

As a lady, I would recommend telling her that masturbation is something that can be personal, and it's something you do regardless of how much sex you're having. You could compare it to her say, having a bath or going for a walk, she doesn't always need you there to do them, and can enjoy both in different ways, in one way with you, and in another on her own. It's not something much to do with her. I reckon she may be worried that you're thinking about or fancying other girls and that's why you do it, which is trickier to handle. I would advise saying that you often think about her, if she asks about this, but otherwise just say it's a general sex thing or sex feeling and not that you're fixated on one woman/situation/porn, just because she may take that the wrong way.

Kimia

I'd be a little worried about this OP. It indicates to me that she feels a certain possession over your body even to the extent where you are no longer in charge of it and that level of attempting control would really freak me out.

As someone said earlier, she really needs to understand that it is simply unacceptable to tell anyone what to do with their bodies. You could lie because you have no obligation to divulge anything personal to her unless you want to, but I suspect you don't want to do that.

If she goes on about it again, tell her what you've already told her and then close the discussion. It's just way too much. Best of luck.

aidan24326

Kimia wrote: »

I'd be a little worried about this OP. It indicates to me that she feels a certain possession over your body even to the extent where you are no longer in charge of it and that level of attempting control would really freak me out.

A little OTT I think. The explanation is probably much simpler than her being some sort of possessive control-freak. She's just a bit naieve and insecure, that's all it is.

When she thinks of him masturbating she thinks he's only doing so because of some shortcoming in what she is providing sexually, while failing to realise that pretty much every guy with a functioning penis masturbates at least occasionally whether in a relationship or not.

If I was you OP I would reassure her that you're 100% happy with her and with your sex life with her and that masturbation is just a casual, occasional relief that in no way reflects on her and is no threat to her or your sex life in any way. If she can't see sense in that then maybe there is a deeper issue but I doubt it.

Piliger

Hi OP. I agree with aidan24326 above.

Also - once that is dealt with and hopefully she is happy and content, If I were you I would keep it to yourself in future. It's not about secrecy or lack of openness. It's about a very personal thing that sometimes isn't understood by everyone and really doesn't need to be 'discussed'. If she asks about it in the future .. just reassure her by saying that you don't do it as much as before and she can relax and not feel insecure.

My two cents.

OldNotWIse

Agree with most of the replies. My gf admits that she watches porn. FWas shocked at first and a bit miffed tbh but I told her as long as she doesn't run away with one of the porn stars it doesn't matter lol. It's a completely different world, its not reality. And anyway, why get annoyed if she does this, its not like she's "cheating on you" with like...herself?

Feisar

Try and explain it's more of a relaxation thing than anything else. Well it is for me a lot of the time anyway.

ShaShaBear

My fiance knows I masturbate regularly and I know he does too.

I did it last night to get rid of a migraine that Ibuprofen wasn't lifting, nothing to do with feeling randy or missing himself or watching all three Pirates of the Carribean and reading a chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey. Simply did it to feel better.

I would never expect my OH to go around all day with a semi simply because I'm not down with him touching himself. Those things look damned uncomfortable at the best of times!

She probably just doesn't have as high a sex drive as you, and being insecure or probably less experienced, she assumes your higher sex drive is because you are either not getting enough sex, or not getting the right sex. A reasonable assumption by one who doesn't know better.

Might I suggest exploring the possibilty of Ann Summers with her? Finding a toy that you both can use together but she can use on her own might waken her up a bit! :rolleyes: