Just ended my relationship with a guy I adored

LegacyUser

OK -I fell so hard for this guy and he's so great but he is so "emotionally unavailable" it's not even funny - this is a term I had never heard of before but anyway....

So I met him 8 months ago and all is going well, we have a great time but I did notice that he preferred to text rather than call, would always carefully avoid any occasion where he might meet a friend or family member of mine. He never suggested going out with his friends, I'd just see on facebook the next day that he'd been out with all his buddies and their girlfriends...if I questioned it - he would say that "meeting friends and family members is a big deal and since things were so rocky recently (referring to me questioning his lack of involvement in the relationship - like this exact issue) so it would be better to wait a while. When we did meet up it was very much last minute and he hardly ever made a date to see me... He was happiest when the 2 of us stayed in alone watching movies and eating and he NEVER ever discussed feelings, the future...he never said anything like "when you meet my friend x" etc - the usual stuff. It was weird but everything else about him was super.

Obviously I questioned this and he sort of acknowledged it and said he was trying to overcome it and he couldn't tell me he liked me so he'd say "Obviously I enjoy spending time with you or I wouldn't be here" but only if he was pushed to say it....

So, i let my heart rule my decisions because he accepted he needed to work on this and because he is probably one of the nicest and most genuine people I have ever met - the cluelessness thing was almost endearing.....but the whole closed off communication thing was sort of damaging my self esteem...

Anyway, after 8 months of repressing my feelings I sort of snapped on Sunday...told him It was too much to ask of me to hang on for him to work out his feelings and I'm too old (31) to be in a relationship that feels like it's going nowhere. He (of course) was really understanding and apologised and admitted that his dad has asked him numerous times to meet me but he's avoided it so his head is obviously just not in the right place to be getting serious about someone - he then dropped the bombshell that he's always wanted to emmigrate for a year and recently that's been bugging him and maybe that's another reason he was avoiding getting serious....

Anyway, I got more emotion out of him in the last 3 days than I have in the past month, including him trying to call in to my house to talk to me - but chickening out and not getting out of the car - this knocked me for 6 because I didn't think he cared remotely enough to do this. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and insisted on finishing things because I just see myself heading for an almighty fall if all this carries as I am ridiculously smitten with him.

But now, today after all our final goodbyes last night and all his revelations about how much he thinks about me etc - I feel sad, like maybe I have made a mistake. I'm not sure if he will go travelling because he's sort of stuck here with a huge mortgage and maybe I'm just being daft now but I hope I haven't made a mistake.....my friends kinda think I had to do this and he has even said if he does figure stuff out I'll be the first to know....but I wouldn't rely on that - plus I need to get him out of my head. Just kinda wondering if these people ever come around....

ABajaninCork

I'm so sorry OP. It must be awful for you.

I'm afraid that he won't come round. Don't wait for him. If he does, then great. But don't waste any more time waiting for him. I doubt that will happen for you.

Look after you.

Lolajay

You can't be in a relationship with someone like that. It sounds like he's not fulfilling any of your needs and I think regardless of whether he does or doesn't get his act together you need to move on for yourself and let him come and find you when/if he's ready. It sounds like you have done enough waiting.

Good luck

Anny Hall

Hi OP,

I feel your pain I really do. Was in a very similar place myself previously. Based on your age am presuming the guy is also in his 30s. The thing is by that stage patterns are quite set and he is unlikely to change.

If he can't communicate openly and honestly with you, the relationship has no future. The piece about your self esteem is important take note of that. A fulfilling relationship where your needs met enhances your self esteem not the opposite.

The guy I was with made me feel pathetic and weak for having any needs. In my gut I.knew things weren't right but I started to doubt myself and think maybe I am really needy or a drama queen or I must be doing something wrong here.

Difficulty as you say was that he was great in so many other ways that my judgement became clouded. If your needs are not being met or you can't communicate honestly then you need to get out. Guys like this invest so little emotionally that its very easy for them to walk away even years down the line leaving you reeling. Keeping you apart from his friends, texting etc are on ways if making sure he doesn't get too close.

It will hurt to break up but believe me Op better now than further down the line. Follow your gut its rarely wrong, this guy sadly nice as he may be is damaged and unfortunately staying with him will damage you.

Lorna123

If he is ever going to come around OP it will be now that you are gone and if this doens't buck him up nothing will. Don't think for one minute that you have put him off by breaking up with him, quite the opposite. This break will give him time to think, analyze what you said and he will know that you were right. So at least if he comes back you will know he means business and if he doesn't come back then you are well rid.

LegacyUser

Thanks all!

Yea, I thought as much.

I got a little angry with him last night, I sort of felt - like you say - that he hadn't invested in me emotionally so it was so easy for him to just take it on the chin and move on, then he accused me of picking a fight and it was resolved and everything ended up on good terms but I was really worried today that he'd have taken that as psychobabble and used it as motivation to run a mile from me....

I think that's probably based on how little he always seemed to care anyway though. I'm probabaly better off

Podgers

Hi OP

I think you did the right thing,

The harsh truth is that this type of relationship is not love, love is when you give someone the responsibility of holding on to your heart and trusting them not to drop it and break it, emotionally unavailable people don't do this, they are prepared for fall the end of relationship, or are not expecting it to last from the very start.

Do you know much about his history? .ie past relationships, or ever being a player?

What ever emotion you got out of him the past few days I wouldn't bank on it, give yourself plenty of space from him for awhile and if he realises he loves you and your the one he wants, he will make the next move but it sounds like he has a lot of issues and their not your problem to solve.

Anny Hall

Hi op,

Yeah its really tough! When you expressed how you felt honestly he accused you of picking a fight. Major red flag. The guy I referred to did the same to me. When things were going well, all was good but as soon as I raised something he didn't want to hear it was put onto me as in here you go starting a fight, being a drama queen.

Don't try to second guess him you didn't know what was going on with him when you were together definetly not going to know now. Dont start doubting yourself or what you may have said or done that might make him think x y z. Truth is you will never know with these type of people. Focus on yourself and what you want from a healthy relationship.

The guy I was with I found out after was a serial dumper.Long history of long and short relationships where he always dumped the girl.

It will be hard but stay strong. I would be lying if I said it was easy to get over something like this. Whether they realise it or not these guys cause a,lot of hurt and confusion.

dellas1979

Hi OP,

What age is he? You dont actually say.

Im afraid to say, I think you made the right decision. He left you filling in gaps that shouldnt have been there in the first place if it was fulfilling.

I think the problem with him (being emotionally unavailable or not realising) is that something is running deeper for him in his behaviour. Has he ever told you anything about himself? Does he have a normal-type lifestyle (job etc?).

Ah_Yeah

OP, if a guy wants to be with you, and I mean really be with you, not the half arsed relationship he's been giving you up until now, he'll make it clear. If he has issues he needs to deal with, then do you really want to be the one who is around while he deals with them, if he deals with them at all?

If he has spent 8 months with you and hasn't bothered to show you how lucky he is to be with you, and hasn't yet introduced you to his friends, I would just steer clear.

If he wants to make it work and make an effort, he will make it clear. Trust me, I've been down that road enough to know, and if he doesn't make the effort, remember that this is not a reflection on you as a person, this is all him.

I feel for you, I really do, because I can relate to you. I waited around for a guy for a year, who was clearly never going to give me what I needed. I only hope that you won't have to go through what I did to realise that you deserve a guy who makes you feel special every day, not insecure. A guy who makes you question his feelings for you is not worthy of your time. He should make it known, and you need to remind yourself of that, that you deserve someone who wants to show you off to the world.

Chin up OP, it gets better xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks again,

He's 32....he has had one serious relationship which I think was pretty deep and he ended it back in 2009 because he wanted to travel and do some stuff before settling down. He then accepted that because he has a big mortgage and a lot of negative equity he might be stuck here and was happpy to meet a nice girl and settle down.......so, 2 weeks before our first date his mum left his dad very dramatically and he has been scapegoated in that situation a lot. His dad has become quite dependant on him and this has reignited his desire to get away.

The first 2 weeks I was seeing him he was perfect, wanted to wine and dine me and see me every minute of the day. Then the family thing blew up and that was it.

I think that's why i hung in there so long

Prop Joe

I would meet up and lay the cards on the table,No games..Maybe he dont wanna make you upset by constantly calling or txting to win you back...Give him a half hour..And be honest with him...then make your choice...Dont be thinking "what if ?" in a years time..You have nothing to lose

WumBuster

I dont think you should be reading too much into pop psychology labels like ''emotionally unavailable'' and judge him on that, people and relationships are a bit more complex than that. You just need to do what you feel is right. It sounds like he isnt able to give you the type of relationship you need, maybe communication and wires got crossed somewhere along the line and that he's trying to ''save it'' now its probably only occurring to him that things werent happening the way it should. I know its tough, but sometimes although people get along there is just that something missing and its best to let go and move on.

BraziliaNZ

Sounds like he's just not into it that much. I'm sure he cares for you etc but if you're not willing to take it to the next level, or even introduce you to friends etc, he obviously has serious doubts or just isn't that bothered. I've been at both ends, first I was him, but I guess I got my come uppance in the last relationship I was in and it's a horrible feeling. Really knocks your confidence and self esteem. The right thing to do now is walk away with your dignity. Just make sure he knows it's over and move on, no more contact.

LegacyUser

Yea....well, I don't think I'll ever regret moving on when my needs weren't being met.

I don't actually doubt that he liked me and that he was being fairly honest, at times I actually asked him why he didn't just break up with me if he was so caught up with everything else in his world. He'd then fob me off with another "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be" and then awkwardly recoil.

He was/is scared of something....anyway, no point wasting any more head or heart time on him. I've deleted his number and emails - everything, feel a little bit free-er already

dellas1979

Fair play to you! You are being sensible i.e. your head ruling your heart, and in these cases, thats what must be done.

Is he Irish? its just the way you say that he feels he is stuck here.

He sounds very confused about what he wants, and you cant figure it out for him, unfortunately. It can get very frustrating.

Stavro Mueller

Not that it's an answer to your problem but anecdotally, I've found that people who behave like this continue to do so. I've friends who've wrecked their heads trying to stay in relationships with people who act sort of "odd" like you've described. Leopards don't tend to change their spots.