Friend renting room, becoming problematic

mrsscott

So myself and my husband own our house and have been renting a room out to one of our friends. My husband works away during the week so it's mainly me, our friend and my dog.

Over the past 6 months or so our friend has become increasingly moody and opinionated. They have an opinion on everything and how things should be done. If it's not their way it's not the right way. And when they get in from work can be quite moody so I often feel it's because of something to do with either me, my dog or the house.

They have also become more aggressive with our dog. We let the dog in the kitchen and sitting room. They say they don't mind dogs but very often shouts at the dog and can be quie rough with him even though he may just be looking for attention and rubs. It does tend to lick people quite alot. They say we should consider getting obedience lessons for it however it is just a stubborn breed. I'm concerned that the constant aggrevated attitude towards my dog from our friend may in turn see the dog becoming aggressive as a result.

Next is this person is quie anal about cleanliness and tidyness. Our house is clean but say for example I am cleaning they will watch me do it and if I don't do it to their standards they will say oh that is bugging me, give me that till I do it properly. At this stage I feel like I can't relax properly in my own home. Where as I have always tried to make this person feel comfortable etc.

I haven't said anything to them yet, but need to have a talk with them and just don't know how to approach it. As it's our house can I say it's not working out and give them a months notice to move out?

Raminahobbin

:eek:

Your friend is clearly overstepping boundaries. If someone was like that to my dog, especially in my own home, I would flip!! Presumably, you see your dog as a member of the family? In that case, this is the same as being rude to a kid. Don't stand for it. And how dare she tell you how to clean your own home!

There's a huge difference between a lodger and a person who rents their own home, and clearly your friend is getting the two confused. She feels equally entitled to a say in everything and sees you as just a room mate. You need to reinforce the fact that it's your home, your rules. I'd have her out on her ear just for being hostile to the dog :mad: I know things are complicated as she is your friend, but you just have to be very firm with her. It is your home, after all, and it's not right to feel like your walking on eggshells with her around.

WhiteRose90

I think you and your husband should sit down and remind your friend that it's not their house. It's YOURS! Also, being rough with your dog? I'd go through anyone for a short-cut if someone ever hurt my dog. If your friends behaviour doesn't improve after been given a good talking to and reminding them of their boundaries, then I say kick 'em to the curb! Nobody needs aggro in their own house.

ash23

I think I can see it from both sides. In relation to the dog, I wouldn't want a dog pestering me all day and if I were paying rent in a house I would expect to be able to treat it as my own, mood swings and all. I think that if you take a "this is my house, not yours" attitude, then you shouldn't be renting a room out at all because if you rent a room then the house is also their home.

But in relation to watching you clean, feck that. If he wants it cleaned let him do it himself. If he is hurting the dog then that is also unacceptable.

mrsscott

Anyone else have any opinions re this situation? Would like to get someore views to see if I would be right in asking them to move out?

barry711

your gaff your rules! The dog is getting the brunt of the anger because it cant defend itself or speak out. Its a result of hatred toward you redirected at an innocent animal.

Big Bag of Chips

Well if its "not working out" then you could ask them to move out.

But you say you haven't spoken to them at all about this... Maybe you could start from there?

If you ask them to move out, they are going to ask you why, so you'll be having the conversation anyway.

Maybe have a chat, hear them out too, and decide then what you all want to do.

Or else just ask them to move out!

Little Miss Lady

You should ask them to move out
Your friend sounds like a nightmare to put it mildly.
If you don't like confrontation, you can always tell a white lie about needing the space and
house to yourselves.
You have to look out for yourself.
Best of luck.

mrsscott

Yea I'm goin to have a chat with them. They are a very stubborn generally believe their right so I don't know how it will go down.

iguana

As this person is a lodger in your home you don't technically need to give them any notice, you can just tell them to go whenever suits you. However if you want the friendship to continue you are best to tread carefully.

MistyCheese

mrsscott wrote: »

would I be right in asking them to move out?

Well, as it's your house then you certainly have the right to ask this person to leave. How does your husband feel about it? I know you said he is away a lot but will he support you or does he want the friend to stay?

mrsscott

He's really unhappy with the attitude has been for a good while, and he only sees it at weekends. I have a very high patience level but its gotten progressively worse. Something in particular happened over the weekend that just pushed me over the edge.

avalon68

Well, seeing both sides - this person is paying rent, it's their home too. I never rent from owner occupiers for this very reason....house owners often are happy to take people's rent without realizing that doing so makes it not solely their home. You seem quite understanding, but, personally I wouldn't like to have a dog in the kitchen, licking me all the time. It's not hygienic. Maybe keep him outside, or in the hallway. That said, she has no reason to get aggressive with the dog and should voice her concerns to you. The cleaning thing is just odd. It's probably best that you ask her to move out, but if you want to preserve the friendship, then maybe you should be "renovating" for a while or something.

MistyCheese

If you and your husband both don't want this person living in your house then it seems like asking them to leave is the best thing.

As others have said I couldn't have someone in my house if I didn't trust them around my dog(s). I would be wondering what they were up to when I'm not around.

Joni23

mrsscott wrote: »

He's really unhappy with the attitude has been for a good while, and he only sees it at weekends. I have a very high patience level but its gotten progressively worse. Something in particular happened over the weekend that just pushed me over the edge.

You don't need to ask if your right to ask them to move out. If you want them out, IMO its in everyone's best interests for them to go.

Is there a reason why this person wouldn't move out on their own accord e.g. cheap rent? Do you need a lodger to replace them? You don't have to respond but these are worth considering. it may be easier to have a talk with them. Either way the bottom line is, the house is yours, you can give the person notice to leave at any time. And leaving may well be in the other persons best interests.

If you go the ask to leave route, remember even the best of friendships very often become strained when people live together. Id urge you to be the bigger person. Don't tell them you want them out because they are annoying when your cleaning, they hurt the dog etc. Say as Little miss lady suggested, you need your space to yourselves. Nobody can dispute that. Don't let yourself be drawn into an argument. Informally offer the person a couple of weeks to move and add any help you can. Its difficult to do but if he is your friend in the long run you'll be better off.

mikemac1

WhiteRose90 wrote: »

it's not their house. It's YOURS!

And this is why many people don't want to ever rent with owner occupiers.
Pay good money in rent but made to feel like a stranger in the place, its their home too

If someone wants to take that attitude they should not be renting out rooms

The OP is a good landlord but there are many landlords who just want your rent money, shutup, go stay in your room and don't be in the living room watching "their" TV
But that doesn't apply here and I'm going a bit offtopic



Anyway, it's not working out OP, just ask them to move on if you and your husband are unhappy

LegacyUser

Why not just tell her how you feel? She is a friend as you say maybe she needs to know that her behaviour is way out of line.

It is both your homes and you both need to compromise. She needs to be more respectful to you and not correct everything you do. She needs to change the way she treats your dog. If she comes home and wants to watch the telly and doesn't like the dog around licking her she can put it in another room or in the backyard (if it's fenced of course) for the time being. I think that is reasonable. Better than yelling or pushing it around.

I rented rooms with owners or other flatmates and one of the worst things to do is ignore and let things fester. Which it seems like you have done (I have done the same myself in the past). But I stopped doing it now. I give the person 2 chances before I speak up and I confront immediately after the fact and it has worked for the better. My flatmates know where I stand.

It is your home however she pays rent and that means it is technically hers also.

But if its too much trouble to speak with her about her behaviour then your only option is to ask her to leave.

mrsscott

Thanks all for the replies. It's actually a guy renting. Yes it's cheap rent as he's a friend. I do want to make him feel comfortable in the house, he's more than welcome to have friends to stay etc, however he knew we had a dog when he moved in, and that we allow the dog inside. So I don't see why we should put the dog out for his sake, if that was the case the dog would be outside most of the time.

LegacyUser

Regardless, if this friend is male or female or how "cheap" his rent is you need to speak with him.

As for the dog, it would not need to be outside all day. He hangs out in the sitting room and/or kitchen all day and night? Does he not have a life? A job? He simply is not home 24/7, if so this may be another issue. I lived with someone that had a dog and it was overly affectionate and wanted attention all the time. I never minded the dog most of the time but when I wanted to watch a programme, I simply couldn't because the dog was constantly at me which WAS very annoying. I simply put the dog outside or in another room for the time being. He should be allowed to do the same from how you have described your dog. Stubborn breed or not it is not fair to him if the dog is pestering him. Although his behaviour towards the dog is inexcusable.

But the dog is only part of the issue. You need to confront him on how he speaks to you and making disrespectful comments and opinions. That is the bigger issue.

If he is not working he may be having too much time in his hands and his behaviours are based on frustration not malice. You've mentioned it was the past six months he has been behaving this way. Did something happen to him? You know him more than us.

Nonetheless, you and your husband need to speak with him whether you want him to stay or not.

MistyCheese

mrsscott wrote: »

I don't see why we should put the dog out for his sake, if that was the case the dog would be outside most of the time.

I wouldn't be changing anything about my dogs routine, as you said he knew you had an indoors dog. Maybe he didn't realise exactly what that entailed but if he doesn't like it then there are lots and lots and lots of places to rent where he won't be asked to share his living space with a dog.

Personally I wouldn't be putting up with anyone being cheeky enough to even suggest that I change anything regarding my dogs, the dogs were here first and if he doesn't like it, well no-one is holding a gun to his head, are they?

mrsscott

No he is working, he has always been opinionated but it has gotten much world over the last 6months. I don't mind him putting the dog out when I'm not there, but I like having d dog in the sitting room with me in the evenings but if feels he can put him out. The dog doesn't pester him all the time. But he feels he can shout at the dog jst the smallest thing. If the dog is a bit unsettled or something and doesn't just lie on its mat straight away.

He also is constantly commenting that we're too soft on the dog. Also he has made several remarks about my husband and his family.

[-0-]

Lose him.

WhiteRose90

mikemac1 wrote: »

And this is why many people don't want to ever rent with owner occupiers.
Pay good money in rent but made to feel like a stranger in the place, its their home too

If someone wants to take that attitude they should not be renting out rooms

The OP is a good landlord but there are many landlords who just want your rent money, shutup, go stay in your room and don't be in the living room watching "their" TV
But that doesn't apply here and I'm going a bit offtopic




Anyway, it's not working out OP, just ask them to move on if you and your husband are unhappy

I think you're forgetting that the person renting is a friend, not some stranger. You expect more manners and respect from your friends and from the sound of the op's posts, her friend is overstepping boundaries in her own home big time. Also op, you never mentioned (i don't think) if this arrangement was supposed to be long term or short term? Has your friend been living with you for months/years prior to all the stuff that has made you reconsider living with them?

AhInFairness

mrsscott wrote: »

Also he has made several remarks about my husband and his family.

He needs to leave, the sooner the better.

LegacyUser

mrsscott wrote: »

No he is working, he has always been opinionated but it has gotten much world over the last 6months. I don't mind him putting the dog out when I'm not there, but I like having d dog in the sitting room with me in the evenings but if feels he can put him out. The dog doesn't pester him all the time. But he feels he can shout at the dog jst the smallest thing. If the dog is a bit unsettled or something and doesn't just lie on its mat straight away.

He also is constantly commenting that we're too soft on the dog. Also he has made several remarks about my husband and his family.

Me again, sorry. Seems to me that you have tried very hard to accomodate him which is very nice on your part. At this point and once again I will reiterate, I don't see anything wrong to confront him about his behaviour, comments and the treatment of your dog. For all he knows, your silence is continuing this and he "probably" thinks it's ok.

If it is getting at the point that you do not feel comfortable with him around then your next best option is to tell him to leave. If he asks why, don't be afraid to tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy. If you do not feel comfortable speaking with him alone maybe wait when your husband gets back.

On another note, I really suggest taking assertiveness classes, OP. I took them a few years back and it really made a huge difference in my life. I never have to second guess, avoid conflict and certainly never have it fester into something serious. Right now it is you that is suffering not your friend. Your husband only deals with him over the weekend, you are dealing with him for 7 days. From reading your posts, I cannot believe you waited this long and allowed him to continue making comments especially about your husband and his family. I was giving another point of view thinking something traumatic has happened to him and he is lashing out on easier targets. Certainly wouldn't be an excuse, but at least a reasonable explanation.

Taking these classes will help you to speak up without feeling guilty or bad. Also it helps you not wait on issues to turn into something more serious and emotionally draining. I personally no longer stress about things and tell the individual in question that there is a problem or issue. If your friend gets angry or upset when you speak to him, remember it is not your fault. His reaction has no bearing on you and your husband. Good luck whatever you decide xx

Meteoric

mrsscott wrote: »

No he is working, he has always been opinionated but it has gotten much world over the last 6months. I don't mind him putting the dog out when I'm not there, but I like having d dog in the sitting room with me in the evenings but if feels he can put him out. The dog doesn't pester him all the time. But he feels he can shout at the dog jst the smallest thing. If the dog is a bit unsettled or something and doesn't just lie on its mat straight away.

He also is constantly commenting that we're too soft on the dog. Also he has made several remarks about my husband and his family.

The thing is that it is your house, if the dog is a problem one of you needs to compromise and since it is your house that is not going to be you and your partner and dog. So uncomfortable as it is there has to be a conversation which is "this is how we want to live, we like you but if it upsets you to live like this you need to learn how to deal with it or find somewhere else, we will be sorry you have to go as we like living with you other than this issue but we need to find a way to live together or go our separate ways" or words to that effect

H3llR4iser

Argh, very very very complex situation; That is essentially why you should never ever conduct any kind of business, be it renting or capital venturing, with any friend or family member. There's no easy way out should things not work.

From what you write, I also suspect there are more than one problem at work and I strongly suspect the biggest of them might be of personal nature - what about the "comment" about your husband and his family? This sounds decidedly personal and not rent-related.

Now, about for the rent, his "moodiness" and being "anal" towards cleanliness: compromise is paramount. Are you 100% sure, beyond any reasonable doubt, that you're compromising? From your tone I would say you aren't, with the excuse that it's "your house". Try to put yourself in his shoes and see if you can spot any behaviour that might piss you off; If you do so objectively, you'll be surprised.

As for the dog, this is another very delicate one. I will be very blunt here: pet owners can be, at times, incredibly stubborn, selfish and disrespectful. They will always put their pet's enjoyment first and foremost and they couldn't care less if that poses a problem to other people; even worse, if somebody actually pointed out that they don't like the cat jumping on the kitchen top or the dog sleeping on the couch, the owner of said pet will retaliate with either shallow, pointless argument (e.g. "oh come on, it's a very clean cat/dog!") or some far fetched accusations along the lines of "hating animals". Again, from your words ("it's stubborn breed"), you sound like you fall exactly in this description. Again, try to take an objective look and see if it's actually the case.

Anyway, deal with it: the damage is done. You want to get rid of him, you can - it's the one and only "higher right" that owning the place gives to you. Just tell him he has to find somewhere else to go and be prepared for him never to talk to you anymore; Don't use childish excuses, if he's got even 1/4 of a brain he'll know you're trying to fool him.

okiss

I would chat to your husband and tell him what has been happening with the lodger. You should not have to put up with his moods, comments ect.
Both you and your husband should sit down with him and tell him that he has to move out within the next 6 weeks. I would also say to him that you are no longer willing to put up with the comments he has made to you about x,y,z and about the way he is with the dog.
If you don't want to mention this I would just say to him that //// and I want to have time on our own in the house and we would like you to move out within the next 6 weeks. This will give him time to find a new place.
When he leaves you can decide then if you need to rent out the room to pay the mortgage. You may be able to get a renter who wants the room Sun night to Fri evening which could suit you. I would let any new renter meet the dog the day they see the house as it will give you an idea if they like dogs.

kylith

I'd be letting the lodger know that you and your husband would like to have your home to yourselves from now on, and that you're going to give them a month to find somewhere else to live. Let him hold onto the final month's rent, that way you'll have already given him back his deposit (assuming he paid one, if he didn't I'd still be tempted to let him keep it so that he can't claim poverty on putting a deposit on somewhere else). Write him some glowing references (''anal'' become "scrupulously clean", for example).

As, for want of a better word, an owner occupier I know how stressful it is to have someone come into your house and treat it as their own. You can't blame them, because it is their home too, but it's hard to have an outsider around all the time, especially when you're in a relationship.

gara

I love animals but if I was paying money to live somewhere, I certainly wouldn't like to feel that a dog's needs came before mine

MonkeyBumFluff

avalon68 wrote: »

Well, seeing both sides - this person is paying rent, it's their home too. I never rent from owner occupiers for this very reason....house owners often are happy to take people's rent without realizing that doing so makes it not solely their home. You seem quite understanding, but, personally I wouldn't like to have a dog in the kitchen, licking me all the time. It's not hygienic. Maybe keep him outside, or in the hallway. That said, she has no reason to get aggressive with the dog and should voice her concerns to you. The cleaning thing is just odd. It's probably best that you ask her to move out, but if you want to preserve the friendship, then maybe you should be "renovating" for a while or something.

He is a friend of theirs for god knows how long so he knew about the dog. If I let a friend stay with me then fair enough you can compromise in some ways but wouldn't change my pets routine or what it's allowed to do. Would only confuse the pet and isn't exactly fair on them. Sure as hell wouldn't be banishing them to the garden or hallway. If he really doesn't like living with a dog then he should consider moving somewhere else and should definitely NOT be aggressive with the dog. That's completely uncalled for no matter how moody or bad a day he is having.

When it comes to dishes I do like them pretty damn clean and it's amazing how many housemates are slack about it :pac: but nothing worse than someone watching you and then basically giving out to you saying you are doing it wrong. He sounds like he has some control issues

MistyCheese wrote: »

As others have said I couldn't have someone in my house if I didn't trust them around my dog(s). I would be wondering what they were up to when I'm not around.

That's one thing I would be very worried about espeically after they have witnessed this aggression with their very own eyes. Who knows what he is like when they are not around.

gara wrote: »

I love animals but if I was paying money to live somewhere, I certainly wouldn't like to feel that a dog's needs came before mine

Then you obviously wouldn't live in a household with pets? My view is a pet is a member of the family, it's not a garden ornament or something to only amuse you in the evenings. So anyone else with that view will indeed put their pets needs first before themselves sometimes if needs be. Why should they stop being as attentative to their pets just because a flatmate moves in It would be my responsibility to look after the pet not the lodger or flatmate, so in what way would your needs have to be met before the dogs, like some examples as I'm not sure what you mean.

ceidefields

Honestly, the dog was there before the friend moved in. If it was really such an issue, he should have asked about the ground rules about the dog before he moved in.

So having issues with the dog after the fact is NOT a reason to put the dog outside.

Ickle Magoo

Okay, as the OP hasn't been back to this thread in several weeks, I'm going to lock.

Could posters please check the date of threads they are posting responses to and post in current threads, rather than just responding to particular subjects.

Cheers. :cool: