Terrified of telling my boyfriend this. Someone please help me

QueenBee1

Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 5 and a half years since we were 16. We have gotten through so much together and he is my best friend but he does not trust me whatsoever. When I was 18 we briefly split up and I started seeing someone else which cut him up. Then he did the same to me which I forgave. He went to New Zealand for a year last year and we both started seeing someone else and had sex with them and I told him but this cut him up and he doesn’t trust me which is understandable but I have tried everything to show him I can I gave him access to my phone bill and always ring him when I’m home etc. But today I got test results from the hospital that I have Chlamydia.

I don’t know how to tell him because he is so fragile with the whole trust him and we have just gotten back to a good place and have even talked about moving in together I know when I tell him I will loose him and I am so worried I am in tears. What should I do or can I do to try stop him leaving me? Please help me

Piliger

Hi OP.

Please step back and look at this situation from a wider perspective. A relationship is supposed to be based on love and compassion and is supposed to be a beautiful and positive thing.

What have you done wrong ? Because I don't see it.

"He went to New Zealand for a year last year and we both started seeing someone else and had sex with them"

That makes sense. A year apart is a long time on the opposite side of the world. You need to ask yourself, and him, what is this all about ? Does he love you or does he think you are his property ?

"I have tried everything to show him I can I gave him access to my phone bill and always ring him when I’m home etc."

OP this is NOT a good thing. You are prostrating yourself for him in a way that completely disrespects you as a woman. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life with him ? is this really the kind of relationship you want ?

In my view your relationship really needs to reset. Your BF needs to get a wake up call to remind him that you are a real person and he is lucky to have you. And you need to start regaining your self esteem and stop trying to please him and shore up his clearly serious problem with trust.

Again - you have done nothing wrong. If he really loves you then he would not be demanding these things of you, he would not be exhibiting this ridiculous level of jealousy and he would support you through this new medical issue. That is if he really LOVED you.

All the best.

blatantrereg

Break up with him; he sounds horrible.
You know he might have been the one to have given you the chlamydia.

Squiggler

OP, you can do so much better than this guy. He clearly has very pronounced double standards. He can see other people when you're not together but you can't. He doesn't trust you, though you have done nothing wrong.

My first thought was that he probably gave you Chlamydia. He needs to get himself tested.

LegacyUser

Squiggler wrote: »

OP, you can do so much better than this guy. He clearly has very pronounced double standards. He can see other people when you're not together but you can't. He doesn't trust you, though you have done nothing wrong.

My first thought was that he probably gave you Chlamydia. He needs to get himself tested.

Wow, there is almost an assumption that the bf gave her Chlamydia. It could have come from the other guys as well you know!

On topic OP I don't think this relationship is even a relationship to be honest. It sounds like a toxic relationship and even though there is love there sometimes it is not enough. I know this from experience, and look back on a toxic and abusive relationship from my past and wonder how I ever put up with it!

However if you really want to keep this relationship you should tell him, not only for his own sexual health reasons but also put yourself in his shoes. If the situation was reversed wouldn't you want to know??

Take care

Piliger

blatantrereg wrote: »

Break up with him; he sounds horrible.
You know he might have been the one to have given you the chlamydia.

I am not offering medical advice but chlamydia can stay dormant and not be detected in tests, for significant periods of time.

Zoria

Piliger wrote: »

I am not offering medical advice but chlamydia can stay dormant and not be detected in tests, for significant periods of time.

I agree with this. I think the whole relationship needs to reset. You were both quite young when you got together. If this is to last, you need to stop taking the blame for the whole thing if he has also been sleeping with other people. Every time you sleep with someone, you may be potentially sleeping with everyone they have met. Who is to say he also hasn't been looking after himself.

Time to have that talk. You fear you may have given it to him, but for all you know he could have given it to you, thats the point you have to get across to him.

ihsb

I don't think your boyfriend sounds horrible OP. I think he just sounds like he gets jealous. Which is natural, just some people deal with it differently.

You need to sit down with him and tell him. Give him space to think. Then tell him that he either has to get over it and stay with you and you will help him get over it. Or, he needs to get out now. You are both being hurt and getting over it will take time but you both need to work out if it is worth it.

Op. Tell him straight away. And try not to play the blame game with him.

Zoria

ihsb wrote: »

Op. Tell him straight away. And try not to play the blame game with him.

I don't think it's as simple as that. First the guy has to get over the shock when he finds out, especially if they've been having unprotected sex. There will be an element of blame thrown around until both parties have been tested, and if both have it they have to accepted they've had multiple partners over the years.

AnonoBoy

Here's the thing that I see. You started going out with the guy when you were 16. That was 5 years ago.

You're both very different people now and I know when you're young and in love you think you'll be with that person forever but people grow and change and sometimes it's healthier to just let people go.

You've both been with other people and perhaps you'd be better off that way.

But you need to be mature and tell him about the Chlamydia so he can checked out.

Also you say you broke up and were with someone else and he was upset and then he did the same and you 'forgave' him. There was nothing for you to forgive. When you're broken up the other person has no right to fidelity. But the way you put it is as if you think it's ok for you to do but not for him. That's worrying to be honest.

AhInFairness

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Also you say you broke up and were with someone else and he was upset and then he did the same and you 'forgave' him. There was nothing for you to forgive. When you're broken up the other person has no right to fidelity. But the way you put it is as if you think it's ok for you to do but not for him. That's worrying to be honest.

It sounds to me like the boyfriend is the one who can't trust her because of her seeing someone else when they broke up. The way I read it is that she moved on from him seeing someone else but he can't do the same for her. It's pathetic behaviour on his part.

It sounds like she has given him no reason not to trust her because, as you said yourself, they were broken up at the time, and yet here she is telling us that she shows him her phone bill and checks in with him when she gets home.

OP, tell him about the chlamydia. He will need to be tested. It could have been him that gave it to you or it could have been someone else. You both made the decision to be with other people while he was away and contracting STIs is always a possibility. If he can't respond to the situation in a mature manner (and judging from what you have said so far he may act like a child) then perhaps him leaving would be a blessing in disguise.

The chlamydia issue aside though, I would suggest you take a very serious look at this relationship and ask yourself why you are with a man who doesn't trust you despite the fact that you did nothing wrong?

Zombrex

QueenBee1 wrote: »

Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 5 and a half years since we were 16. We have gotten through so much together and he is my best friend but he does not trust me whatsoever. When I was 18 we briefly split up and I started seeing someone else which cut him up. Then he did the same to me which I forgave. He went to New Zealand for a year last year and we both started seeing someone else and had sex with them and I told him but this cut him up and he doesn’t trust me which is understandable but I have tried everything to show him I can I gave him access to my phone bill and always ring him when I’m home etc. But today I got test results from the hospital that I have Chlamydia.

I don’t know how to tell him because he is so fragile with the whole trust him and we have just gotten back to a good place and have even talked about moving in together I know when I tell him I will loose him and I am so worried I am in tears. What should I do or can I do to try stop him leaving me? Please help me

I don't mean to belittle your relationship, but it sounds very dysfunctional, based on jealously and immature possession than mutual respect and love. Most of this seems to be coming from your boyfriends side TBH. He is your boyfriend, he doesn't own you. You don't owe him celibacy. If he cannot think of you with other men without breaking down with jealousy then that is a serious issue he needs to deal with.

Tell him straight up you have chlamydia, don't in anyway apologize or make it sound that this is something you have done to him or something you have to be beholden to him about, and suggest you both go to the STD clinic to get tested.

And if he freaks out and starts to blame you or guilt you or use this as an excuse to make you feel bad about having sex with other men (which to be honest I'm guessing he will) then dumb his ass because frankly he needs to work on his insecurity issues and he ain't going to do that while he is in a relationship with you.

Merkin

Please ignore the idiotic advice above from ballyer25 OP. :rolleyes: Even if you get treated, chances are your boyfriend has it already and will only re-infect you. Tell your boyfriend, go to your local GUM clinic or GP and get the appropriate treatment and then reevaluate the relationship you have, it doesn't sound particularly healthy.

Beruthiel

ballyer25 wrote: »

its only Chlamydia.............say nothing.....no big deal.........jaysus........take the 4 magic tablets and dont have sex for 2 days and boom problem solved

Bye bye now.
Don't think we'll bother having you back either.
In fact, think I'll siteban you for trolling the site.

Ellsbells

Maybe you got it from him??

QueenBee1

At the moment he is sensitive. Over the past few days he has been bringing up the past again and accusing me of seeing someone, he says he KNOWS im sleeping with someone, when im obviously not. He now says he doesnt want anything to do with me.

Last night I warned him to go to the doctor or the hospital and get checked and told him I may have passed something on to him or him to me but he worryingly wont listen. I even went to my doctor and got the 4 tablets for him to take and no. He said he does not want any treatment and says he doesnt have it. I think he is in denial so I done the only thing I thought of and asked the nurse in the clinic I attended to ring him and talk to him and try emphasise the importance of this. Now I am worried he will hold this against me and wont talk to me. How can I help him see I am not cheating and this happened before he even came home? I know a lot of you may think Im mad but he is the closest person to me and I love him more than anything.

blatantrereg

He believes you are cheating because he wants to believe you are cheating.

He believes he isn't infected because he wants to believe he's not infected. [Would he be like that if Chlamydia was considered as dangerous for men as it is for women do you think?]

You can't resolve things with him because he doesn't want to resolve things.

He says he wants nothing to do with you, but leaves the sti issue open so you feel compelled to keep trying to talk to him. [Dont feel that way. Your responsibility was to inform him. Now you've done that, it's his responsibility to get treated. It's not your problem any more.]

He's angry and wants to punish you. Not because you deserve it, but because you accept it.

I dont think you're mad. I do think your emotional investment is seriously effecting your judgement, and that you're the sort of person who puts up with more than you should in general. Imagine if this was all happening between two people you didn't know. You'd be hoping the woman would leave the man.

Stop taking responsibility for him. You seemed to be taking sole responsibility for the sti - like it was a trespass of yours against him. You take responsibility for his jealousy, even though you have provided zero reason to blame you for it [and you really dont come across like you are untrustworthy]. You're not his parent. He's not going to start acting any better or taking responsibility for his own behaviour while he's got you there to take responsibility instead.

kylith

QueenBee1 wrote: »

At the moment he is sensitive. Over the past few days he has been bringing up the past again and accusing me of seeing someone, he says he KNOWS im sleeping with someone, when im obviously not. He now says he doesnt want anything to do with me.

Last night I warned him to go to the doctor or the hospital and get checked and told him I may have passed something on to him or him to me but he worryingly wont listen. I even went to my doctor and got the 4 tablets for him to take and no. He said he does not want any treatment and says he doesnt have it. I think he is in denial so I done the only thing I thought of and asked the nurse in the clinic I attended to ring him and talk to him and try emphasise the importance of this. Now I am worried he will hold this against me and wont talk to me. How can I help him see I am not cheating and this happened before he even came home? I know a lot of you may think Im mad but he is the closest person to me and I love him more than anything.

It honestly sounds like you'd be better off without him, and now he's said he wants nothing to do with you leave it at that and move on.

You've done everything you can for him healthwise. Getting the nurse to call him was really going above and beyond, imo. I do hope he gets himself some treatment because some men never develop symptoms, yet can still pass it on to partners.

QueenBee1

blatantrereg wrote: »

He believes you are cheating because he wants to believe you are cheating.

He believes he isn't infected because he wants to believe he's not infected. [Would he be like that if Chlamydia was considered as dagerous for men as it is for women do you think?]

You can't resolve things with him because he doesn't want to resolve things.

He says he wants nothing to do with you, but leaves the sti issue open so you feel compelled to keep trying to talk to him. [Dont feel that way. Your responsibility was to inform him. Now you've done that, it's his responsibility to get treated. It's not your problem any more].

He's angry and wants to punish you. Not because you deserve it, but because you accept it.

I dont think you're mad. I do think your emotional investment is seriously effecting your judgement, and that you're the sort of person who puts up with more than you should in general. Imagine if this was all happening between two people you didn't know. You'd be hoping the woman would leave the man.

Stop taking responsibility for him. You seemed to be taking sole responsibility for the sti - like it was a trespass of yours against him. You take responsibility for his jealousy, even though you have provided zero reason to blame you for it [and you really dont come across like you are untrustworthy]. You're not his parent. He's not going to start acting any better or taking responsibility for his own behaviour while he's got you there to take responsibility instead.

thank you for your reply. the reason I found out I had this is because I have been in and out of hospital the past 3 weeks with pain and bleeding and the doctors believe I may now have scarring on my tubes and may now be infertile. I have told him this but he still doesnt seem to realise the seriousness of it.I am deeply concerned about his health and him getting treated.

blatantrereg

QueenBee1 wrote: »

thank you for your reply. the reason I found out I had this is because I have been in and out of hospital the past 3 weeks with pain and bleeding and the doctors believe I may now have scarring on my tubes and may now be infertile. I have told him this but he still doesnt seem to realise the seriousness of it.I am deeply concerned about his health and him getting treated.

That's very sad. I'm very sorry to hear that.
Knowing that makes his behaviour so much worse.
If you cut him out of your life you can be open to developing a relationship with someone where caring goes both ways.

Piliger

QueenBee1 wrote: »

I have been in and out of hospital the past 3 weeks with pain and bleeding and the doctors believe I may now have scarring on my tubes and may now be infertile.

I have told him this but he still doesnt seem to realise the seriousness of it.I am deeply concerned about his health and him getting treated.

OP - Please listen to what people are trying to tell you.

Read what you have written above... you are experiencing a serkious health crisis - yet you are more concerned, it seems, with his having an STI that can be dealt with by a few pills. This is what this relationship is doing to you. This is what his manipulation is doing to you.

This is a tragically dysfunctional relationship. Do you really want this for the rest of your life ? because that is where you are headed.

QueenBee1

Piliger wrote: »

OP - Please listen to what people are trying to tell you.

Read what you have written above... you are experiencing a serkious health crisis - yet you are more concerned, it seems, with his having an STI that can be dealt with by a few pills. This is what this relationship is doing to you. This is what his manipulation is doing to you.

This is a tragically dysfunctional relationship. Do you really want this for the rest of your life ? because that is where you are headed.

I honestly do appreciate what people are telling me and their advice and opinions on the situation. I know this is his bad side but he does have a side that I love so much and is perfect I guess that is why it is so hard

Squiggler

QueenBee1 wrote: »

I honestly do appreciate what people are telling me and their advice and opinions on the situation. I know this is his bad side but he does have a side that I love so much and is perfect I guess that is why it is so hard

I know when you have deep feelings for someone it can be easy to lose perspective... but you have a health issue, which he may or may not be responsible for and:
1) he doesn't seem concerned about you
2) he is not interested in making sure that he doesn't reinfect you with an STI which, while he may never experience a single symptom could permanently destroy your chances of ever having children
3) rather than trying to support you he is accusing you of sleeping around

From what you've written here I find it very difficult to see any good side to this guy. But regardless of that, you need to take care of your own emotional, physical and reproductive health and he doesn't appear to be good for any of them.

Piliger

QueenBee1 wrote: »

I honestly do appreciate what people are telling me and their advice and opinions on the situation. I know this is his bad side but he does have a side that I love so much and is perfect I guess that is why it is so hard

I understand OP. But everyone has a good side..... What matters is the other side. It is YOU that will have to live with this other side... are you really ready to settle for that ? because it will never ever change .... people don't change and men especially don't change (I am a man).

Don't settle for this.

ihsb

All I know is as long as he won't listen to you and treat himself, you cannot have a sexual relationship with him because you might get re-infected.

It seems to me like he needs to sort himself out. Get help so he can trust people. I don't think it is your fault that he doesn't trust you. I think that is is probably from really low self-esteem issues.

Zombrex

QueenBee1 wrote: »

How can I help him see I am not cheating and this happened before he even came home? I know a lot of you may think Im mad but he is the closest person to me and I love him more than anything.

You can't. He is possessive and jealous and I'm afraid that isn't something you get over or grow out of in your first teenage relationship.

I think you need to end it with him, allowing you both to move on. Hopefully he will learn from how he acted in this relationship and not treat his next girlfriend the same way. But from everything you have said this relationship has run its course and you have just ended up in a bitter dysfunctional place.

He needs to learn this isn't how you treat your girlfriend and from you position you need to not let someone treat you with that much disrespect, it is clearly making you feel guilty and bad over something you shouldn't.

I know it is hard but ultimately how much you love him is irrelevant. Your love isn't going to change him, if it could you won't be in this position in the first place. You will end up just wasting your love on someone who is not in the correct mental place to appreciate it it. You will look back in a months time, or a years time, or 5 years time and think you have wasted all this love on someone who was not able to appreciate it because of his jealous and possession issues.

Like I said he will mature and get over his jealous issues but not while he is in this relationship with you. The best you can both do is end it, learn from this experience and look to the future.

Trust me it is always incredibly hard when you are young and all you know is the relationship you have had. But you will look back on this in a few years time and think what were you thinking because you will have such better relationships than this one.

Ellsbells

QueenBee1 wrote: »

t I may now have scarring on my tubes and may now be infertile.

That didn't Happen overnight - maybe you got it from him and maybe that's why he is so blasé - he knew he was already infected.

Why do you care about him when he doesn't care about you?

pwurple

Ellsbells wrote: »

That didn't Happen overnight - maybe you got it from him and maybe that's why he is so blasé - he knew he was already infected.

Why do you care about him when he doesn't care about you?

This took a bit of time to happen alright. I know it is uncomfortable, but you probably also need to contact your previous partners also about this. And he needs to get tested, and if he has it, then do the same.

Stavro Mueller

Like it or not, this situation's going to come to some sort of a head. You can't turn the clock back or pretend that chlamydia hasn't happened. It is worrying that he has showed absolutely no concern at all for you at a time when you need support. Instead, he's still obsessing about you cheating on him. He's not listening to you either. What a respectful boyfriend he is :rolleyes:

You say he is your best friend. Do you not have any other friends or family members that you can turn to? I think you need to talk to someone because you're certainly not getting any sort of moral support from the man who you claim is your best friend as well as your boyfriend. He might have his good points as you've said but the other side of his personality is very unpleasant indeed. Even the nastiest criminals and murderers had nice sides to their personalities as well so don't be swayed by that.