Homophobic situatuion advice

eimear10

Hi all,

TY for reading.

Ok so my gfs parents are away so they cant look after our dog, but her sister is there in the house who was also my friend before we started going out.
. Before the parents went away Jane ( GFs sister) said to my GF I don’t really want you an Eimear (me) to stay because your always all over each other and nobody wants to see 2 girls or 2 boys kissing ! Just to let you know we have never even frenchied in front of her and were together over three years !!

Now is it just me or is this plain homophobia. I am extremely insulted and hurt over this comment, and before I lay into her I’d love some other peoples opinions and advice?

Thanks

Sonics2k

Tell her to shove it?

No really. Be yourself, and don't let others bring you down.

foggy_lad

More plain ignorance than homophobia, She is entitled to tell you how she feels but you are also entitled to tell her to get stuffed

eimear10

thanks for the replies,

I know like but if we were a hetro couple this would never have been mentioned!!

wonderfulname

She can get over it, whatever you do don't accommodate her. I wouldn't lay into her over it, just tell her it's an ignorant and idiotic statement and carry on as normal, it doesn't warrant anything more.

carly_86

I don't like people being all over each other no matter Wat there sexually

eimear10

thanks guys

I'm gonna tell her exactly that!

eimear10

yeah me either, but we never have been all over each other in front of her.

Ambersky

Homophobia is experienced in several forms.

There are four distinct but interrelated types of homophobia: personal, interpersonal, institutional, and
cultural

In order to properly understand homophobia you have to look at it in its entirety and not just in its more obvious but extreme forms. When you only look at it in its extreme form this can lead one to believe that the less extreme forms are not as important or are less harmful. Unfortunately it is the small but more frequent little comments and displays of aversion or negation that usually have the most impact on our actual lives.
We may know people are being given prison sentences in Saudi Arabia and are put to death in parts of Africa for being gay but it is our own relatives classmates etc here in Ireland that are more likely to be the ones who attempt to restrict our behaviors and to detract from our sense of equality and self esteem.

Yes eimear 10 the situation you describe is indeed an example of homophobic behavior. Your GFs sister has an attitude about homosexuality she is acting out on by telling you what she finds acceptable and not acceptable for you to do. She is of course attempting to restrict your behavior. Arguments that she would say the same to a heterosexual couple are just silly. You have already said your behavior around her has been respectful of both her and your relationship.
Your GFs sisters comments are just a common example of the kinds of remarks some people feel the need to say when getting use to being around others who are LGBT. Her comments of course say more about her than about you or your GF.
Her sister being Lesbian and finding out that you are gay too, someone she had been friends with before she knew either of you were gay, is probably having implications for her in her own head.

Can we just get our heads around one thing. Its not a huge accusation forever condemning a person to a title of "homophobe" around their neck to say someone is being homophobic.
You cant get rid of homophobia until you recognize it. Thats the point of calling people on homophobia, to get rid of it, not to carry it around as an accusation or a state of being for the rest of our lives.

Someone can display by word or deed their homophobia and if they are challenged they can, maybe in time, maybe instantly, change that attitude.
They may choose not to change their attitudes but they probably wont even know they are being homophobic until someone confronts them with it or they see someone else acting as they do and can recognize their behaviour for what it is.
We all now, or at one time or other have had feelings of homophobia.
That's why we usually struggle about coming out.
We usually, growing up in this hetero sexist world, don't want to be homosexual. We eventually grow out of some or most of our internalized homophobia as we come out and meet others like ourselves.
Its ok to go easy on ourselves and on each other we dont need to get overly upset every time we experience homophobia but we need to learn to recognize homophobia when we see it.
We at least need to be able to support one another through our experiences of homophobia especially in our families.
Family support or disapproval often has significant implications but when we cant get support from our families of origin or when they are taking some time to adjust, the support of other LGBT people can do a lot to heal our wounds from those encounters.

"Homophobia: The fear of feeling of love for members of one's own sex and therefore the hatred of
those feelings in others... the belief in the inherent superiority of one pattern of loving and thereby its
right to dominance."
Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider. Freedom, California: The Crossing Press, 1984.

HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE HOMOPHOBIA IN YOURSELF AND OTHERS?
There are four distinct but interrelated types of homophobia: personal, interpersonal, institutional, and
cultural.
Personal (internalized) homophobia is prejudice based on a personal belief that lesbian, gay and
bisexual people are sinful, immoral, sick, inferior to heterosexuals, or incomplete women and men.
 Personal homophobia is experienced as feelings of fear, discomfort, dislike, hatred, or disgust
with same‐sex sexuality.
o Anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation or preference, can experience personal
homophobia;
o when this happens with LGBTQ people, it is called internalized homophobia.
 Like heterosexuals, lesbians, gays, and bisexuals are taught that same‐sex sexuality is
inferior to heterosexuality, and many internalize this to the point where selfacceptance
is difficult. One result of this is that some LGBTQs desperately try to deny
or change their sexual orientation; and some have tried or succeeded in committing
suicide.
Interpersonal homophobia is individual behavior based on personal homophobia. This hatred or dislike
may be expressed by name‐calling, telling "jokes,” verbal and physical harassment, and other individual
acts of discrimination.
 Interpersonal homophobia, in its extreme, results in LGBTQs being physically assaulted for no
other reason than their assailants' homophobia.
 Most people act out their fears of LGBTQ people in nonviolent, more commonplace ways.
o Relatives often shun their LGBTQ family members;
o coworkers are distant and cold to LGBTQ colleagues;
o heterosexual friends aren't interested in hearing about their LGBTQ friends'
relationships.

http://www.class.uh.edu/lgbt/documents/Homophobia.pdf

nbar12

^
there's no way im reading all that you buzz kill

Caiseoipe19

nbar12 wrote: »

^
there's no way im reading all that you buzz kill

For the sake of a few minutes reading it, you never know, you might learn something.

nbar12

Cygnus wrote: »

For the sake of a few minutes reading it, you never know, you might learn something.

doubtful. anyway the Olympics is on and I would rather watch the womens volleyball than read that novel

Annasopra

nbar12 wrote: »

doubtful. anyway the Olympics is on and I would rather watch the womens volleyball than read that novel

If you've nothing constructive to add to this thread then stay out of it.

daveyeh

Her reason stated for not wanting you there is ridiculous and lazy. I suspect it was the first thing that popped into her head when she needed an excuse to have the place to herself. Maybe shes planning something she doesn't want you there for! Maybe she hates dogs?

actuallylike

I'd stay out of that one. Jane said what she said (as ignorant and hurtful as it was) to her sister, not you. Nothing good will come of you storming in all hot headed. It's up to your girlfriend to address this, not you.

eimear10

thanks for the replies, yeah ive decided not to say anything to her at all. Not even a hello. She Knows im p'd off at it so ill leave it at that.

Dont think its that she has something planned that she doesnt want us in on.. ha we thought we'd be doing her a favor staying there as she doesnt like being home alone! and our dog always lives in her house. her parents kindly take care of dog when Gf isnt there!

@ambersky , thats a good point that you can make homophobic remarks about everyday life and not be totally homophobic. Also yes she has serious issues about me being with her sister. Kind of jealousy in a way I think as I was originally her friend first. Thanks for your points and support very interesting!

Shakti

Not that there is any excuse but how old/young is this person?

eimear10

mid to early 20's !!! and so am i !! Strange isnt it !! and the fact that we were all friends to start with and that we are not all over each other have to reiterate that !! I dunno as someone said earlier ,dont let other people bring you down is all i can think of !!