Commitment fobe or too much?

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for reading firstly and I'll try to keep it short!

Basically I have been going out with a guy for about 4 months now.
It's going pretty well I think but it's very intense! We meet through work
We are both contractors and we were working on the same contract for 3 months
This meant that we were living together, sleeping together, working together, socialising
Together well you get the idea in each others pockets basically! After that contract finished I
Went and lived with him for a month and I am now working on a new contract pretty far from
Him but I should be back at his within the month.

Here is the problem, he is very intense! He has already asked me to marry him to which I said no. We are both currently living overseas but I had always planned on moving home around Christmas he had no plans to move home now he is coming home with me and he says it's what he always had planned to do. I don't want him to make any life changing decisions for me. Also by accident I found out that just two months before we got together he was saying to his friends/ family that he was married to another woman. Who he Said to me he had never been involved with. That really annoyed me because I had asked about this woman before so he clearly lied about that.
I think he is just a guy that wants to be married. I don't know if that is such a bad thing? I just don't want to be some re bound. Although he swears blind that he is madly in love with me and that he has never felt like this before.
Since we have been apart we have been in contact a good bit but he keeps saying that he misses me loads but I don't really miss him that's bad isn't it?
I do like him but it all seems a bit overwhelming. I don't want to Hurt him he is really sweet but I don't just want to be what he is settling for.
I dont know if it makes a difference but I'm 23 and he's 28

Thanks for reading. I'm just really confused!!

Piliger

Hi OP. I really sympathise with your situation. It looks like there is a huge difference in how you guys feel about each other. His intensity is a bit scary and the story about his previous relationship is also a red flag.
It is possible this guy has a real psychological problem and he latches on to partners with a sort of possessive marriage fantasy thing.
Of course that is fine as long as his partner (you) feels the same. But the fact that you don't share his uber-intensity says to me that you need to really take a step back and let him know that none of this interests you. It is important you make it clear to him because otherwise his intensity might turn into an obsession and the outcome could be bad. Also by cooling it a bit you will find out if he really has a serious problem.
If he doesn't, he should have no problem with a change of pace. If he does, he will react badly and that red flag would be a major STOP sign in my view.

I am sure many female posters here have more direct experience than I and can give great advice.

Lexicographer

If you are asking the question you know it's wrong, go with your gut instinct before it is too late.

ash23

Everyone is different OP. Personally I've been seeing someone for a similar length of time. We see each other for a few hours between 1 and 4 times a week. I've stayed in his and he has stayed in mine but maybe only a handful of times. It's enough at the moment. We haven't said we love each other and to be honest, I don't yet. I'm mad about him but not in love with him.

What you have would scare the crap out of me!!! Living together, I love yous, talk of marriage........scary.

Was he married or was he making it up? That bit of the post is confusing. if he was married and lied to you about it then that would ring alarm bells. But then again, if he was lying to his friends and family about being married then that's strange too.

I think you are hearing the alarm bells but wanting to ignore them. It all just sounds a bit "much". Nothing wrong with a man who wants to marry the woman he loves. But something very wrong with a man who just wants to be married.

I'm not trying to be patronising so I hope you won't think I am, but you are very young. He is roughly my age and I can tell you, from early to late 20s, there is a huge learning curve.
My advice is that you need to trust your instincts over your rationalisation of his behaviour.

dannyc31

i'm sorry but this guy reeks of neediness and desperation. its also often a self esteem & self confidence issue if a person is so clingy and in need of that reassurance. he probably sees not being married as a failing on his part and so is in a hurry to do so, so that he can tell friends and family that someone loves him enough to marry him.

i would back away if i were you, for as much love as you show this guy, it will never be enough to get over his inner demons and you will feel even more suffocated than you are now. 4months is way too soon to be thinking of something as permanent as marriage and i bet he's thinking well the best way for me to ensure that this girl doesnt walk is to be married to her. i would say this guy could get very very intense in the future. i would say you are more of an independent kinda girl and so you should probably look for those same traits in a man.

you are also very young and have many a year ahead of you to enjoy what life has to offer.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for all the messages.
Sorry if I was a bit unclear. No he wasnt married before he was just telling people back home that he was or as good as was with this woman before me. I think he does have some issues he was overweight as a child and says he was pretty lonely. I think I might move to the other side of the city when I get back from this contract get some distance see how that goes.
I do like him but I feel a bit suffocated. When I found out about that marriage thing I pegged it. I came back a few hours later to try to be adult and discuss it and say my goodbyes. But I found him in an absolute mess so I felt bad and got back with him

We're living in Singapore and I only really came here for an adventure after uni not for anything serious. Like he has a really good career here so I don't want him to GiVe it up for me! I don't know what he'd do at home.
I just dont want to Hurt him.

Argh why is this so hard

LegacyUser

So so confused wrote: »

Hi thanks for all the messages.
Sorry if I was a bit unclear. No he wasnt married before he was just telling people back home that he was or as good as was with this woman before me. I think he does have some issues he was overweight as a child and says he was pretty lonely. I think I might move to the other side of the city when I get back from this contract get some distance see how that goes.
I do like him but I feel a bit suffocated. When I found out about that marriage thing I pegged it. I came back a few hours later to try to be adult and discuss it and say my goodbyes. But I found him in an absolute mess so I felt bad and got back with him

We're living in Singapore and I only really came here for an adventure after uni not for anything serious. Like he has a really good career here so I don't want him to GiVe it up for me! I don't know what he'd do at home.
I just dont want to Hurt him.

Argh why is this so hard

You need to tell him how you feel, op. Tell him that it is going too fast and that you feel pressured and suffocated. Do you like him? Do you want to continue to be with him? If the answer is no then end it for your sake and his. If it is his behaviour that is scaring you off then tell him!

dannyc31

No he wasnt married before he was just telling people back home that he was or as good as was with this woman before me. I think he does have some issues he was overweight as a child and says he was pretty lonely.

just as i thought. he still has these inner demons causing him issues in his adult life. he probably has an overwhelming fear of ending up feeling that loneliness again if he doesnt get married soon and thats causing him to behave irrationally. look its not up to you to be responsible for his mental health, you cant put that on your shoulders. i think the best thing you could do is offer to help him go to counseling. even attend with him if he finds that easier although i'd suggest a one on one session for him with a good therapist would be the best solution for him, with you being there as a support to talk to him about the sessions afterwards.

its just not normal adult behavior to pretend to people you are married when you are not. i feel you want to break this up but dont want to feel guilty or cold hearted in doing so but you sometimes have to be more selfish in these situations, "cruel to be nice and all that". it wont do either of you any favours in the long run if you are both incompatible which is how it seems to me.

Piliger

So so confused wrote: »

I just dont want to Hurt him.

Hi OP.

The best way not to hurt someone is to end it quickly and cleanly. Delaying and procrastinating is not a way to go about not hurting someone.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I have been talkin to him a bit. He isn't keen on us not living together he said he'd go where ever I want to go. I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to marry him either! I think I need to be face to face with him to talk about this. When I was trying to explain that I wanted a bit of space he thought I was breaking up with him! But I think he does know that I'm starting to feel overwhelmed

Magicmatilda

You have only been going out 4 months and it's already this hard. That shouldn't be the case IMO. After 4 months you shouldn't be posting on the Internet looking for advice. It is really quite simple either you want to be with him or you do not. You say you don't want to hurt him. That's not a good enough reason to stay and anyway what that usually means is you don't want to have to feel guilty about hurting him. Is that the case? You have given it four months. You don't owe him anything at all. It is not up to you to make him happy. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty if you don't want to be in a relationship with this guy. Knowing that won't stop you from feeling it but you can remind yourself of it if you do feel guilty, it's misplaced.

He sounds quite unstable to be honest, what with the intensity and lying about being married. He also sounds quite manipulative. You told him you didn't want to live together and he is "not keen" and will go anywhere. A mature adult would give you the space you need without all this pressure.

You don't sound like you are mad about him so I think you should get out of the whole thing and be honest with him ad to why you are.