I just don't think I have what it takes as a person to get on in life...

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Not sure if this is a personal issue or a relationship issue, but both overlap to be honest.

In my 30s, and I just don't think at this stage that I have what it takes as a person to have a regular "normal" life. A recent event just summed it up for me. I'll start with women and relationships.

This might come across as very juvenile for someone of my age. Ok, I was never the most confident with women but have had my fair share of "success" and attention with them too.

One episode that I had forgotten about came back into my head this week. About 10 years ago, I happened to go on 3 dates with 3 women who I would have seen around and considered very attractive. It just so happened that I hooked up with the 3 in the space of a month or so. BUT, I only had one date with each one, and they never called again. Ok, I was younger, and probably spouted an amount of rubbish, but obviously initially, they thought, "hey, he's cute, I'll go on a date", but I must not have measured up as a person. In hindsight, I am not bothered about it.

Since then I have been with women, and I know what I don't want in a partner. A few years back I met someone, but only got around to meeting up with them recently. Even though the last few years have been very barren for me, I thought I would be fussy, and would like to spend some time with someone who was right. I don't see anything wrong with that. Anyhow, this person ticked all the boxes, and even ended up asking me for my number. I was thinking "this is too good to be true". Anyhow, I meet up with them, and it seemed to go ok. I don't really know. I haven't really heard much since, only sporadically, and I don't want to force anything or be a pest.

I have done this so many times myself, that I'm not an idiot. I have delayed or ignored getting back to people, because I just wasn't into them. Therefore, I obviously didn't measure up again as a person. I don't have what it takes to seal the deal. I didn't even have to do any chasing and I still could not capitalise on it.

It has me thinking of other areas in my life, where I just don't measure up. Mediocrity is all over everything I do. My own job isn't going so well, and I realise I can take steps to fix that, but there is no guarantee, (but hey you got to try). I am on jobseekers at the moment, as my job is going bad, but I know I can start applying for something, and I figure I do have a good chance, so that's a start I suppose, but it leads to problems with my house share and having to sort that which will be a nightmare. I will never be someone who people will go to in the workplace and say "THAT'S your guy who you need to go to. He will fix it". Sometimes I think I should be a teacher to actually give something back, but I don't even have the confidence to be able to teach kids.

I doubt I'll ever make a good manager, if I ever even get the chance to get that far. I just don't have the balls, the charisma, the charm, that makes a good person. I am like a picture hanging on the wall, a wall flower.

Whatever about work, it's my failure as a nice person to any potential partners that has hit me hard. Everybody want to grow old with someone, and I am sick of "they are not the right person, and the right person will come along when you least expect it" and all that bullsh*t cliched toss.

This recent episode came out of the blue and I couldn't capitalise on a golden opportunity. I know what I want in a person, that person may or may not have been it. But the next person who comes along, it'll be the same thing. I know what I want, but I still can't get it. I have lost the will and desire to even try anymore, the shutters are coming down. I just don't think it's meant to be for me in that part of life. I have been working out non stop the last few weeks to try and clear my head, so I won't have an excuse to slip into the depths of depression. I feel good after it, but soon enough I can feel my moral and mood go down.

I am sitting here now, and I feel like there is this pressure on my head, like there are all these people coming out of the clouds and all laughing at me, and pointing at me, like a scene in the school canteen when the whole school laughs at the one guy. I am not going to go to bed and wallow in it.

I am not looking for a solution. I really don't know what I am looking for. It's just better to get thoughts out of my head and somewhere else. Maybe there is someone in the same boat. I don't know. I want to rant, but ranting is no good...

Tombo2001

Hi there

Its a long email with a lot in it so its difficult to know exactly which point to address.

Firstly, on the work thing
- I think 90% of the country are finding their work situation difficult at the moment. Either people have lost their job, or they are in danger of losing their job, or they are in a job with no chance of promotion or payrise.

I think to be clear, the economy has changed - you havent become worse at what you do......but for everybody, the work environment has become a lot more difficult and challenging.....I know tonnes of people who have been to dozens of interviews and nothing has come of it. They could well be asking "what is wrong with me" but the reality is, there is nothing wrong with them. Its just hard to get a job. And its harder to get a job that you want to do.

Coming to the second point: I am not this type of person at work. There are two ways of looking at it. Everyone aspires in some form to being the big guy, to being the boss. But only one person can do it. So should everyone else let it ruin their self opinion if they dont do it. I dont think so. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Be honest with yourself; you have strengths: what are they, how can you use them. Ideally, find a job where you can use them (but not easy in the current environment). Conversely what are your weaknesses? Dont make yourself a square peg in a round hole. Personally, I am someone who would never be able to 'work the room'....as such I would not be good in a sales role.

On the relationship side......I'm no expert, will let someone else try that one.

Herrick

sosodown wrote: »

One episode that I had forgotten about came back into my head this week. About 10 years ago, I happened to go on 3 dates with 3 women who I would have seen around and considered very attractive. It just so happened that I hooked up with the 3 in the space of a month or so. BUT, I only had one date with each one, and they never called again. Ok, I was younger, and probably spouted an amount of rubbish, but obviously initially, they thought, "hey, he's cute, I'll go on a date", but I must not have measured up as a person. In hindsight, I am not bothered about it.

Since then I have been with women, and I know what I don't want in a partner. A few years back I met someone, but only got around to meeting up with them recently. Even though the last few years have been very barren for me, I thought I would be fussy, and would like to spend some time with someone who was right. I don't see anything wrong with that. Anyhow, this person ticked all the boxes, and even ended up asking me for my number. I was thinking "this is too good to be true". Anyhow, I meet up with them, and it seemed to go ok. I don't really know. I haven't really heard much since, only sporadically, and I don't want to force anything or be a pest.

I have done this so many times myself, that I'm not an idiot. I have delayed or ignored getting back to people, because I just wasn't into them. Therefore, I obviously didn't measure up again as a person. I don't have what it takes to seal the deal. I didn't even have to do any chasing and I still could not capitalise on it.

Can you explain the bolded part above. It sounds like your waiting for them to contact you? Why don't you just ask them out again? It seems like you expect them to chase you, but we all know most women won't.

LegacyUser

OP here. I just re read my original post, and am kind of shocked at the negativity of it a week down the line.
I think, though I am not so sure, that I may go through bouts of depression. I went through a few really bad days, just didn't speak to anyone, and I am coming out of the fog the last few days. I am still of the opinion that I am a disaster of a person socially though.
Ok, regarding the relationship, I got the red card since. So, obviously I am still thinking that she thought I was worth a first date, but I didn't float her boat. I got some excuse that I won't go into, suffice to say I lost out in the choice of guys. That's like I guess.
My gut was telling me that this was going to happen. I don't know. Maybe I'm not a charming guy, my personality doesn't do it.
I'm too cynical for online dating. I tried before, and could never get into it.
I have definitely spent more of my adult life single as opposed to being with someone, and maybe I'm just programmed that way now, and should accept it, that there's a reason for it. I also hate it when people say "but you're a nice guy, and good looking etc etc and so on". I hate it, as it only reinforces the idea of my personality being flawed.

I do have some strengths that I am going to push on the job front. I am not in Dublin, but there are jobs in what I do in Dublin, so feel a change of scene could do me the world of good. If I weren't involved in other things that I want to stay around for, I would nearly move to another country just for a total change of scene. Maybe I would be bringing the problems between my ears with me....

Big Bag of Chips

Have you spoken to anyone about your "depression" (I put it in quotes, because you think yourself that's what it's like, but have never been diagnosed, am I right?)

Maybe the very first step, and it's not an easy step for anyone, is to go to the GP and just tell them how you are feeling. Going to the GP doesn't automatically mean you will be put on anti-depressants. They might be able to steer you towards someone who you can talk things through with.
You have lots going on in your OP, and personally, I think it's too much for you to tackle all at the same time - so concentrate on 1 thing at a time.

First thing.. work on yourself, and being content in yourself. There is no point in trying to get yourself into a relationship when you are not really happy with who/what you are. People pick up on vibes, and nobody wants to be with someone who is not relaxed in themselves (do you know what I mean?)

Once you sort yourself out and become more confident and content with yourself, you will be in a better place to start dating.

Is there anything you like? Anything you are interested in? You don't have to be the best at everything, or indeed anything! But if you find something you like and enjoy, then you will enjoy doing it. This will make you relax and it will allow people to see the real you, and not the person you try to be in front of others.

Check your local paper or library for things that are on in your area. Drama group, music session in a pub, football club, cards night somewhere? Anything. In a drama group you don't have to be on stage. You can help out backstage, erecting sets, making sure props are in the right places. For a music session you don't have to play, but you can go along and listen. Get talking to people that way.

It's very very difficult to put yourself out there. But if you find something you enjoy, it's a little less daunting.

I do think though your first visit should be to the GP - or maybe a phonecall to Aware might help you understand a bit better where you're at.

I wish you well - it's easy to fall into a rut and lose your way a bit. And it does take effort to get yourself out of it - but it can be done. Maybe a change of scenery would be good for you.

New city, new start, new interests... but you have to put the work in yourself!

LegacyUser

No, I haven't spoken to anyone bar a mate, but I haven't been diagnosed officially. I have had some pretty bad days, but they are not frequent thank god, and today I can't even believe I was as bad as I was last week. The only time I was like that again was before the Christmas.
The feeling is like there is a battle going on in your head, like a scene out of Braveheart, and you are trying to stop it. That's what it feels like at the worst of it.

The thing is, I know there are a few things I am good at. One is I play music live every week so am in front of people all the time. Sometimes I have the most hollow feeling after a gig, like I have just vanished in front of everyone. It's not like I am looking for validation or people to come and talk to me and tell me I am great, but I just feel invisible after it. People would say to me "ah come on man, you play every week, you must have loads of chances to talk to people, women etc.", It's not the truth at all. Maybe I am just blind to it, maybe the people I want to talk to don't want to talk to me. But anyways, yeah, I think when people see me playing they are seeing the real me, but it's damn hard to make a dollar out of the music.

Other people will tell me I am a "funny bast*rd", but it's like I am battling that with what is really going on.

I do think working on myself is the first thing to do. But when I see that I can't make a stab at things professionally, then I just think, well if things were working for me there, at least I could feel I am doing something right.

You are right. I do feel a bit lost, rudderless.....

Big Bag of Chips

But I think if you can sort yourself out first, then you really will be amazed at the knock on affect.

I'm no expert, but personally I don't think you can be seen as this wonderful, confident, capable colleague if you honestly feel yourself like you're not worth it.

I, to a certain extent, would be like you. I don't see myself as a leader. I don't think I have the confidence to be "in charge" of people... but... I'm a very outgoing person. Really chatty, very friendly and will go out of my way to help someone if I can.

I am regularly approached to do things, and to be "in charge" of things (not only work related). People think I'm so capable.. I don't think it, but there must be something about me, if the relevant people approach me. They must see something in me that I don't see myself?

Not every boss is a born leader, and feels it in their blood!

Do you know what I mean?

Please start with talking to someone. It doesn't have to be a GP, if that's too big a first step for you. You may not be depressed, you may be just floundering a little. What harm can a phonecall do?

LegacyUser

Here's a little tip - what you focus on magnifies.

Good mental health is a product of focusing on the positives. Begin to take small steps to improve every area of your life, beginning firstly with your negative self-talk. Start speaking positively to yourself. If your best mate said to you what you've written here, what would you say to them? You love your best mate, you want the best for them. So give yourself the same response, repeatedly if necessary.

Focus on strengths, on pluses, on what you like about yourself, on what can be improved. Focus on enjoying your life as much as possible. Make it a daily task. How can I enjoy today? What can I give to myself to make today a good one? How can I encourage myself, improve in my pursuits?

You're a decent guy, you're physically fit, you're working, you've got musical talents, you have at least one friend. That is a lot to start with. What you focus on magnifies. So focus on the negatives and they grow and grow til there is no space left in your head. Focus on getting curious and getting happy and suddenly things seem bright.

miec

Hi Op

When I read your first post I would never have expected that you play in a band and that to me takes some balls to get up there in front on people so give yourself credit for that to begin with.

The other thing that struck me in your post was women chasing you initially and then not bothering much after. I wonder if you are too passive. I will give an example from my own background. In February I met this guy (online date) he was attractive and interesting, I really fancied him and he fancied me enough to snog me at the end of the night and talk of another date. I was open with him and said I was keen to meet, he was vague about when so I said whenever I hear from you all good. I waited a few days and got a text saying hi so I rang him to arrange a day and he was still vague. Eventually I got bored / frustrated with 1) his vagueness 2) I can often be too full on and am learning to pull back and let the man do the chasing. That man I had met had been single for a number of years and he is still online looking. I have experienced an initial interest and then the passive not ringing / etc so I know now to back off. Maybe the girl / girls you have met are similar to me, maybe it is just too much hard work for them to try to meet or arrange something with you and maybe they feel you are not into them. I know that I have felt that way and if I get very little interest or its hard work with a man I will back off, better to be alone than make an idiot of myself.

The most overwhelming feeling I got from your post was inertia, a sort of greyness and a what's the point feeling. I suffer that myself and its the depression taking over you. For me I have found counselling to be very helpful and it may be something worth considering or life coaching to see what you want from life.

LegacyUser

no, I'm not too passive. I just think they are seeing or sensing something I don't. I don't think I come across as all negative with them either. Maybe it's the fact I don't have my "sh*t" together in my 30s, maybe they are looking for some stability? Who knows....
I do think I will look at myself first and foremost, then see what happens after that. I do get a "what's the point" about it all a lot of the time, and feel like I am just drifting along....