Idiot?

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if I am taken for a fool or not. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We left ireland and came to Australia last year.
I found out on Friday (by accident) that my fabulous other half has been signed up to naughty dating sites for the last year. He never met anyone from them, just "chat" and all that stuff which turns my stomach.
He says he was looking for attention, that it was a joke etc. etc.
And I also know that no one can tell me what to do, but I am lost. I love him, I do believe him to a certain extent, but I don't know if I can trust him again. I would leave him but I love him immensely.
I am now in Australia, don't really know anyone etc. So I don't have the liberty to stay in a friends for a while or that kind of thing. I am thinking of hopping on a plane and heading off to different part of aus for a few days but I honestly think I'll be more lonely if I do and that would nearly make me go back to him.
Also I'm not sure if he is sorry, or just sorry he got caught. I know by typing this it says everything really. But I'm scared.

dellas1979

Well, he has crossed a line.

Doesnt sound like he realises what is happening for you - i.e., loosing trust in him.

Is he going to stop because he knows it is wrong and disrespectful to you/relationship, and wants to rebuild trust or is he going to stop because he was caught?

That would be the decider for me.

PS: Dont be scared to talk to him/confront him about this, or his reaction-you've done nothing wrong here pet. You are in this relationship too and if you are not happy with what is going on, you deserve to air this.

waterlily23

Chatting on such sites when you alraedy have a girlfriend sounds strange for me. Talk to him and express how you feel.

Jenneke87

Tell him how it made you feel or why he didnt consider your feeling before he signed up and did those things. If he still fobs you off with"it was just a joke" when he's given an oppertunity to make amends I believe that gives you a good idea of where you stand with him.

P. Breathnach

There is reality, and there is fantasy. A person can have a real life that has to matter to him because it is real, and yet sustain a fantasy life as entertainment. They are in separate compartments.

Magicmatilda

Happened to me. Short story I forgave him but never trusted him again. A month later and for the first time in our relationship I went through his stuff. He had been cheating (physically) all along. With various women. I had even met some of them. that was my situation.

The whole experience thought me a few things. It was not my fault. I felt like a fool, like I should have known. But I realise now that I shouldn't have known. I trusted him as I should when I'm in a relationship. That said when I started to get gut instincts I ignored them and I should not have. After we broke up (immediately when I found out) I was angry, lonely, sad, hurt. I learned that these are healthy emotions after such an experience and although it was difficult to get through. I did get through. I had a very strong sense that if I contacted him or anything then I would be doing myself a huge injustice. He hurt me badly but had I gone back it would have been me hurting me.

I have done a lot of work on myself since and I have had to face some harsh realities but my life is so much better. My relationship with myself is so much better.

That is just my story. Yours may be very different. Only you know how your relationship is outside of this. Maybe taking a break for a few days is s good idea.

You are in a new country and have the opportunity for amazing new experiences, do what you need to do to make sure toy enjoy it.

Little Miss Lady

Whether he did or didn't cheat, by signing up for sites like that the intent was there.
He has over stepped the mark.

It's not acceptable and is a low thing to do in my book.

It's up to you what you want to do, but if you can, try not to let the fact that you are in a foreign country sway your decision.

P. Breathnach

Little Miss Lady wrote: »

Whether he did or didn't cheat, by signing up for sites like that the intent was there...

We cannot know what was in his mind.

Honey-ec

P. Breathnach wrote: »

There is reality, and there is fantasy. A person can have a real life that has to matter to him because it is real, and yet sustain a fantasy life as entertainment. They are in separate compartments.

I completely disagree with this. There's fantasy as in picturing yourself in bed with Scarlett Johanssen, and then there's physically signing up to a dating site and contacting other, real women. There's a huge difference between the two and I really don't see how anyone could think that trawling for strangers on the internet while you're in a relationship is in any way acceptable.

P. Breathnach wrote: »

We cannot know what was in his mind.

His intent doesn't matter. What he did matters, and how the OP feels about it matters. Infidelity doesn't have to be physical.

P. Breathnach

Honey-ec wrote: »

I completely disagree with this...

What's there to disagree with? I made a general observation for OP to consider. I make no judgement on her boyfriend.

theg81der

When you say signed up OP do you mean paid subscription or free? I reckon theres a bit of a difference. Either way its not normal relationship behaviour and points to a problem. You say how much you love him and that is the trouble because if it was your friend and she came to you with the same story what would you say? You`d see it for what it probably is - a boyfriend who clearly can`t be trusted that she will forgive and want to believe because she is deeply in love with him and a situation which will surely end in disaster and heartache.