Have you ever been used by a girl?

later12

Hypothetical scenario: John Joe is introduced to Josephine through friends, they get chatting, start hanging out a little bit at John Joe's house, and one day end up in bed together.
John Joe likes her and invites her to a party; she comes to the party with a date, and during the party her and her date start getting intimate.
John Joe discusses it with one of his girl mates, who says that Josephine is not looking for someone to date right now, she just wants to have fun.

Has this ever happened to you? I know it's usually the other way around, where guys are the ones who want to play the field and girls are the ones who feel used. It's not quite heartbreaking since there's nothing to be sad about; in fact it's nice to know that girls just want to have fun sometimes (stop me if I'm starting to sound like an 80's song).

But did you find it a bit surprising or disappointing if you ever found yourself in this situation? Did it make you think twice about how you chase girls or treat them after sex?

The Big Red Button

I disagree with this:

later12 wrote: »

I know it's usually the other way around, where guys are the ones who want to play the field and girls are the ones who feel used.

I have a fairly equal mix of male and female friends. If anything, it's the female friends who I've heard quoting the "use and abuse" motto. Maybe in the past, there would be more cases of guys "using" girls, but I reckon it's probably 50:50 these days in Ireland.

I don't think it's cool that the girl in question went parading her new fella in front of a guy she messed around with. But, meah, c'est la vie. It's not like they were in a relationship or anything. As far as I'm concerned, the girl didn't really do anything wrong here. If the guy had wanted more, well, then that's a pity.

As for this part:

later12 wrote: »

Did it make you think twice about how you chase girls or treat them after sex?

I really don't get this. Can you explain a bit further, maybe?

chatterpillar

chatterpillar wrote: »

As for this part:



I really don't get this. Can you explain a bit further, maybe?

I think he is asking the guys have you ever treated a girl very casually/forgotten about them afterwards then have had it done to you in turn which makes you realise maybe it's not a nice thing to do
all going on the assumption it's usually the lad doing it which I don't know about

jayteecork

She might have just wanted to make you jealous.

later12

chatterpillar wrote: »

I disagree with this:



I have a fairly equal mix of male and female friends. If anything, it's the female friends who I've heard quoting the "use and abuse" motto. Maybe in the past, there would be more cases of guys "using" girls, but I reckon it's probably 50:50 these days in Ireland.

I don't think it's cool that the girl in question went parading her new fella in front of a guy she messed around with. But, meah, c'est la vie. It's not like they were in a relationship or anything. As far as I'm concerned, the girl didn't really do anything wrong here. If the guy had wanted more, well, then that's a pity.

As for this part:



I really don't get this. Can you explain a bit further, maybe?

In that sometimes we have one night stands without asking whether the girl wanted something more; you sort of assume that she's thinking the same as you.

But then if it happens to you, like John Joe, that you anticipate something that your girl doesn't, perhaps you understand that it doesn't feel very nice and it might alter how one approaches one-night-stands: Perhaps by being more careful about how to deal with the girl after you've slept together, or having a proper discussion about what your intentions are before doing it.

jayteecork wrote: »

She might have just wanted to make you jealous.

eh, John Joe! this is John Joe's story!

No, she's not that kind of girl. Joesphine was as cool as a cat and is still great pals with him. No tension there or anything.

18AD

Would you not rather just be clear about your intentions rather than assuming who wants what etc...? (That goes for everyone) *That saying about assumptions*

py2006

I've been used once or twice by a girl! (not for sex unfortunately)

Usually, it was my own fault for being to nice and available to them so they took advantage!

No more I tells ya...no more!

Usually I'm used as a cock-block, sometimes the best bud when they know I'm mad about them. Been a while now, took a while for me to learn but I did finally.

later12

18AD wrote: »

Would you not rather just be clear about your intentions rather than assuming who wants what etc...?

Yeah but in the heat of the moment, I guess it can be a bit of a mood killer to start emphasizing "this means nothing to me" or planning the aftermath.

I'm not saying it would be the wrong thing to do, but there are probably sound enough reasons why people don't always have that conversation.

18AD

Well, you don't have to talk about it right then. But you say in the opening post that you find out her intentions off a friend of hers. (Maybe that's just a trivial detail) But why not just talk directly about it instead of leaving to hearsay?

I'd hardly define the situation as being "used".

later12

18AD wrote: »

I'd hardly define the situation as being "used".

Perhaps you're perceiving the use of that term in a sense that implies some sort of maltreatment or exploitation... that's really not what it's about.

Used here refers to essentially borrowing someone's genitals to fulfil a short term need. There's no suggestion that anybody is being hurtful or unfair, but sometimes two parties to such an exchange can have varying anticipations. That's not necessarily anybody's fault, and I was wondering about other guys' experience of this and how it affects their relationships with women.

BigDuffman

As other posters have stated. It depends on what you determine "used". Being used for sex is not usually a thing lads give out about.

But the female in question seems like a right b!tch. Why would you turn up at a party with a date, when you've been invited to by someone you've just slept with. Bullet dodged there amigo.

My idea of being "used" is gold digging or as a tool *snigger* to make someone jealous.

HellFireClub

BigDuffman wrote: »

As other posters have stated. It depends on what you determine "used". Being used for sex is not usually a thing lads give out about.

But the female in question seems like a right b!tch. Why would you turn up at a party with a date, when you've been invited to by someone you've just slept with. Bullet dodged there amigo.

My idea of being "used" is gold digging or as a tool *snigger* to make someone jealous.

I don't think he has any grounds to give out in fairness. He got a ride out of it and he found out that a girl he would have otherwise liked was in fact a bit of an attention whore. I wish everything that I got involved with, ended on such plain simple and terms!

And as for, "well I really liked her" argument, well have a hot shower to wash away the emotional dirt and remind yourself that there are plenty more fish in the sea!

batistuta9

it depends on when he asked her to the party

but you'd think whenever he did ask her, she could have said about not being interested/bringing someone else

or else it was a bad case of crossed wires

Gandalph

later12 wrote: »

I know it's usually the other way around, where guys are the ones who want to play the field and girls are the ones who feel used.

I think this is a preconceived movie notion. From my personal experience I believe girls to do it a lot more than guys, been the victim of it myself a couple of times so I may be impartial but I think I am straight thinking as its never really "hurt" me. Girls may complain about it a lot more to their friends compared to guys as I guess that guys dont really feel inclined to, I know I wouldnt say it to any of mine. But thats just my opinion

Mucky.Bucky

I'm a female and after a casual encounter last year, I was mistreated/abused and therefore used and abused and a final feeling of degradation came about.

After we met and hooked up, he delivered an empty promise, strung me along with it, made excuses when called upon it, to resolve himself of any responsibilties but left me hanging and lingering on waiting for him to put it right and rectify it because that's what you'd do after fceking up but no attempt was made whatsoever from him. Confusion came about, was he genuine or not. Will he put it right? Was it deliberately done? Why? Did he lie? Why lie? So much was going through my head.

So very different circumstances but a feeling of being used and abused came about all the same. I felt awful for ages

Hazys

later12 wrote: »

Hypothetical scenario: John Joe is introduced to Josephine through friends, they get chatting, start hanging out a little bit at John Joe's house, and one day end up in bed together.
John Joe likes her and invites her to a party; she comes to the party with a date, and during the party her and her date start getting intimate.
John Joe discusses it with one of his girl mates, who says that Josephine is not looking for someone to date right now, she just wants to have fun.

I dont understand? how was somebody "used"?

I dont see anywhere that Josephine stated she wanted something more than sex and i dont see anywhere that John Joe was tricked into sex.

Why is John Joe so emotional about this? Did he specify he wanted something more?

They only thing i see as slightly bad form (i cant state for sure it was bad form without knowing the full story) is Joesphine bringing a date to a party of somebody she hooked up with but that has nothing to do with using somebody.

Bobby42

I was used by a girl a few years ago.

Just before the start of 6th year I started going out with a girl. All going well for the first few months.

After a while though the whole getting into college thing was getting more and more serious for her. She was applying to all the top colleges in the UK, Oxford, Cambridge, London School of Economics, ect.

This took over the relationship and it all became about her. She freaked out all the time with the stress of interviews, applications, and exams. I was there supporting her every step of the way.

Now I was doing the leaving cert too, but wasn't getting any support for her.

This went on for another few months, me being the supportive boyfriend the whole way through. She was having problems with depression and with her parents and I supported her through all this too.

Her problems always overshadowed mine. I never got a look in really.

Then the big news comes and she gets into Oxford and she's over the moon.

Me, well I didn't do too well in the exams and didn't any college offers. Not much support from her though, her dreams came through and that's all that mattered.

So she moves over to Oxford and we made all these grand promises about staying together. I'm all for a long distance relationship, as I thought I loved her at the time.

I even went and booked flights to visit her. I think its all going well and that this is the next stage of the relationship.

So she's over in Oxford a few days and I haven't heard a word from her. But as always, I just grinned and bared it.

Then one night, about half two in the morning, I hear my phone beep with a text message. I was over the moon when I saw it was from her.

Then I start reading it and it felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart. The text just basically said, yeah sorry, can't deal with a boyfriend right now, bye.

She had actually had gotten with someone else while I waited by the phone.

That was it. All over. A text message. Classy. I wonder how much that text cost her. 15 cent? Or did she have free texts?

Didn't get back to sleep that night. A really low point in my life.

Ah well, onwards and upwards. Never really talked to her again. She's engaged now, he's welcome to her.

I was all needy/clingy at the time, but I'm fairly well rounded and interesting now, so its her loss really.

Heard someone say recently that if someone walks out of your life, instead of trying to get them to stay, you should hold the door open for them.

Haven't been in a relationship since, but I'd never let that happen to me again.

later12

Hazys wrote: »

I dont understand? how was somebody "used"?
...
Why is John Joe so emotional about this? Did he specify he wanted something more?

Okay lets try this again

later12 wrote: »

Perhaps you're perceiving the use of that term in a sense that implies some sort of maltreatment or exploitation... that's really not what it's about.

Used here refers to essentially borrowing someone's genitals to fulfil a short term need. There's no suggestion that anybody is being hurtful or unfair, but sometimes two parties to such an exchange can have varying anticipations. That's not necessarily anybody's fault, and I was wondering about other guys' experience of this and how it affects their relationships with women.

To reiterate, I'm asking guys for their opinions on instances of casual sex where they might have preferred something more.

Hazys

later12 wrote: »

Okay lets try this again

If John Joe never specifed he wanted more, then how was John Joe used?

If he said from the getgo that he wanted a relationship and she agreed, slept with him and then fcuked off, fair enough he was used but from your scenario there is no evidence of that.

All i've read from the scenario is that, 2 people hung and had sex with no perceived notions of anything more. Its only after the fact, we read between the lines that John Joe wanted more because he was upset about her being with somebody else later.

later12 wrote: »

To reiterate, I'm asking guys for their opinions on instances of casual sex where they might have preferred something more.

Simple answer, dont have casual sex if you want something more and can't handle the fact that, thats all it may be.

later12

Hazys wrote: »

Simple answer, dont have casual sex if you want something more and can't handle the fact that, thats all it may be.

Are you deliberately not reading the explanation above?

I don't think anyone is having trouble handling anything. Nobody was 'used' in an unfair sense, and the question mainly relates to the treatment of women: I'm asking guys how their sexual experiences has resulted in their approach & attitudes to sex, as well as how they treat or have treated women in light of that.

This is a fairly un-controversial subject. Im not quite sure why you're choosing to interpret the OP in this way, but if it pleases you I'll leave you to it.

Hazys

later12 wrote: »

Are you deliberately not reading the explanation above?

I don't think anyone is having trouble handling anything. Nobody was 'used' in an unfair sense, and the question mainly relates to the treatment of women: I'm asking guys how their sexual experiences has resulted in their approach & attitudes to sex, as well as how they treat or have treated women in light of that.

This is a fairly un-controversial subject. Im not quite sure why you're choosing to interpret the OP in this way, but if it pleases you I'll leave you to it.

You created a very ambiguous and confusing OP and re-defined the term "used" as "borrowing someone's genitals to fulfil a short term need"

So dont get knarky and condescending when somebody doesn't get what the hell you are on about.

later12

I'm not; if it was based on the OP, I wouldn't blame you for misinterpreting it.

But after the second clarification, the one addressed directly to you, I'm not quite sure how you still weren't getting it.

The Corinthian

later12 wrote: »

Hypothetical scenario: John Joe is introduced to Josephine through friends, they get chatting, start hanging out a little bit at John Joe's house, and one day end up in bed together.
John Joe likes her and invites her to a party; she comes to the party with a date, and during the party her and her date start getting intimate.
John Joe discusses it with one of his girl mates, who says that Josephine is not looking for someone to date right now, she just wants to have fun.

I'll have to be honest and say, learn from the experience and get over it. After all, did she make any promises to you? Did you stop her, before jumping into bed with her, and say "I don't do one night stands". From what you've written, the only one who misled you was yourself.

And even if she did actively mislead you, then congratulations; you've discovered that people are not always nice to each other. Learn from it and you'll probably avoid such a let down in the future.

Gandalph wrote: »

I think this is a preconceived movie notion. From my personal experience I believe girls to do it a lot more than guys, been the victim of it myself a couple of times so I may be impartial but I think I am straight thinking as its never really "hurt" me. Girls may complain about it a lot more to their friends compared to guys as I guess that guys dont really feel inclined to, I know I wouldnt say it to any of mine. But thats just my opinion

Depends on age. In your, particularly early, twenties, people are not necessarily looking to settle down, so having fun is on everyone's mind. For women, this is particularly good as they tend to be the gatekeepers to sex (men tend to be the gatekeepers to relationships), so if all they're doing is looking to have a good time, it's a playground for them. As such, both men and women will do this.

But when older - late twenties to late thirties - that's when female priorities change as they begin to hear the biological clock ticking and they look more for a mate than some fun. At this point it would easily be more men who 'use' women, again with the above caveat that women that age really should be old enough (or at least not desperate enough) not to fall for it.

Over forty, people just fsck.

Toby Take a Bow

I had a similar-ish experience a good few years back. I really liked this girl, she knew it, and she intimated that the guy she was seeing at the time (nope, I'm not proud of myself here either) wasn't really as serious as it seemed to be. We ended up together one night, which was great, but it soon became clear she didn't really want to be tied down to anyone at all.

I never would have been the sort of guy to have one night stands (as in with someone I wasn't at least allowing for the possibility of a future relationship) but that experience would definitely make me more cautious about messing with people's emotions. More cautious, but I've still found myself in situations where I've treated the other person in much the way that she treated me.

I don't really blame her, though. People are people, and they mess up, and mess up other people all the time. It's just the way it goes, I suppose.

HalloweenJack

I have used and been used by girls. In some cases, what was going was evident to both of us, it was just fun so noone got hurt but other times, it wasn't.

A big part where problems begin is communication, not saying enough about your intentions. This doesn't have to be so straight forward as saying "I'm only interested in sex" but something more subtle but understandable would be best.

merlinengine

I got used and abused today 2 weeks ago. We met after the club and we went back to hers after a while and we went to bed just to sleep (lol). We woke up the next morning and knocked the back axle off each other until I left at 5 that afternoon. I got a text a few hours later saying that she didn't want anything etc and I was all good with it because I don't take this **** personally, she just wanted the ride and it was a good way to spend a Sunday. The point being, you win some and you lose some, easy come and easy go. I don't take it personally and I was happy that I spent a Sunday with a pretty girl.

I'm not preaching to anyone, this is just my attitude towards it.