Lifes taken a strange turn .. thoughts?

lofty wiseman

hey , my life has taken some strange turns the last two years part of me posting on here is just thinking out loud if you will part of it is just hearing peoples thoughts for loads of reasons i havent anyone id be comfortable telling all this to ... this is complicated and may be hard to follow ..

im now 28 from dublin never had a SERIOUS girlfriend , in 2010 my dad passed away , he held the family together , i get on well with my mam but not half as close to her as i was to my dad was close to my brother before my dad died but after his death he started to act out and became a very bitter nasty lad he was 18 when he died hes 20 now so after 2 years of his bull**** we live in the same house but dont speak , one comes into one room one leaves my other brother we talk away but we are not close at all my house is a shrine to my dad its impossible not to be sad just walking through the door his songs are constantly blaring out of the radio by my mam ... the month after my dad died i started a new job and for the first 8 months the workload was hectic! ... the same month just as i started my new job i went out clubbing for the first time since the funeral , i went out with 5 very good friends and a few friends of theirs who although id be with a lot id only call aqquaintances , one of these is a serious player we ll call him X has a wife and a kid but has women tucked away every where .. one of these was in the club she was pointed out to me by him when she was dancing but i couldnt of cared less i was in my own world as you can imagine ..
few weeks later im out with my 5 good friends no aqquaintances of theirs this time nor X.. im again in my own world and his bit on the side comes up to me twice throughout the night she does the chasing and we exchange no.s its only after i click who she was ... a few days later i bump into X and he goes smirking as if hes not bothered oh bla said she was with you sat night and i shrug it off .. thats the last i seen of him now in 2 years .. when i meet bla i asked her did she know who i was when she came up to me she says no i say then how were you able to text X that you were with me and i tell her this situation is weird and i dont roll like that she swears shes finished with him and that she likes me this girl looks wise was completely out of my league and was kinda cool too so i gave her the benfit of the doubt , i was weak ... during the next 8 months we werent boyfriend/girlfriend i was around the country with work and wed meet up once every week or every two weeks depending mostly every 2 weeks due to my work , i would be hearing things from my good friends about her and they were begging me to stay away from her but i was mad about her they didnt want to tell me straight out that she was still messing around with X and other people but would hint it and sometimes she would too just to be cruel .. all my life people have thought me "innocent" and naive but i just believe the best in people all the time , when i was younger up till i was20 i was an international judo player and had tunnel vision for the sport if i was into a girl when theyd start showing it back id get bored so relationships never lasted too long plus i never really wanted them i put the sport first.

one night my 5 good friends and i went out and i had asked bla to come out too this was after work had calmed down and i guess im my mind i wanted us to be proper hence my friends being there , i was actually mad about her feel such a dope now but sure ... before she came my friends told me straight out the way she carries on but i just ignore it .. she came in and after a while we have a bit of an arguement she goes over in front of my face flirting with a load of lads just to wreck my head .. im disgraced in front of my friends and we leave .. later she calls me for a ride basically ,im weak and i go afterwards i say to her you cant keep acting like this to me and being heartless word for word this was her response deadpan "i know im heartless even my mam says so but guys like you an X i can make do whatever i want" i was gobsmacked and walked out of the house .. this was last october havert seen her since ......
my head was wrecked and i was really really cut up about it , i really liked this girl let my guard down and the whole time she was just toying with me to get at X that is the whole point and what really boils my blood .. went out the next week and after abit of drink well went a bit mad (she wasnt there nor was X) , was in a bit of trouble with the guards and my job , for four months i didnt know what was going to happen with regards to my job as the charge would decide this couldnt talk to my mam about this as she had enough on her plate so i kept it all inside .. during these four months i was treated and looked at like **** in work .. i also couldnt face my 5 good friends anymore i was too embarrassed and proud so i had no one to talk to about anything .. they still move in the same circles as X and are friends with him longer .. so i never answered they re txts or calls and havent seen them since that night ... my life during those four months was the lowest it has ever been ; i wasnt secure in my job was kept in limbo and treated like crap over getting into trouble on a night out , my home life was heartbreakingly sad due to my dads death , i couldnt face my good friends anymore out of embarrasment and as a result lost them and i really miss them a lot , and a girl i really really liked played me like you wouldnt believe so i became a bit of a hermit/loner .... dureing this time i was looking at random stuff on youtube and i came across a vid about the Royal Marines Commandos .. started to look more into them became very very interested and started my application , about this time my job became secure again and things in work slowly went back to normal but my personal life reamined a mess and tbh me concentrating on joining them and the training for them kept me going ... ive passed everything and passed the pre selection in the commando training centre and have my training start date next month so its done im in and im going , im buzzing for it , im looking forward to the challange , the adventure , and the chance to start a new life .... but what do yous make of all this ??? it might seem drastic/dramatic to some but to me it seemed the only way out of what my life had become .... from my story do i seem childish , like im just running away from everything or what ???

from my dads death in 2010 to me getting in trouble on a night out in late 2011 and everything in between has seemingly led me on the path to becoming............. a Royal Marines Commando ... or am i just an idiot or mental or whatever ?

lofty wiseman

sorry the post might be a bit hard to follow
but basically it was one kick in the balls from life after another and humiliation till i could take no more .. i know what im worth .. whats harder than passing the commando course and getting the green beret ??? not much .. i guess me going and doing that would prove to myself and others who and what i am , that im still the guy i was in my late teens to early twenties and not the guy who the last 3 years let himself slip into a mundane go nowhere job and let himself get walked on by a few and maybe to get away from the connstant sandness and reminders that hangs in our house
if it werent for everything that happened id be happily heading to and want an average life in a relationship in adead end boring job going to the same pubs and clubs every weekend stuck in the same town and delighted with me self .. the path im headed down now couldnt be more different
im sorry for the hard to follow post and for whinging on a bit but i genuinely have no one to talk to about this and prob needed to vent a bit
thanks

looksee

Your post was a bit hard to follow, as you said, but I got the gist of it I think. Best of luck to you getting the job with the RM, it sounds like a fantastic opportunity to do something that will be a real challenge and a chance to 'reinvent' yourself, if that's what you want to do.

Go for it, don't carry the last few years around like a burden, let it go and look forward, the best of luck to you, go for it!

lofty wiseman

thanks looksee
one thing i didnt mention , i was brought up catholic up until i was 19 went to mass every week and always had faith and was very aware that there is much much more unfortunate people in the world that myself and would remind myself of that anytime i felt sorry for myself
after my dad died and everything that followed ... i pretty much lost my faith , my dad always wanted to see me a bit settled with a nice girl it would have made him happy and he had fcuking no time for the brits so i cant believe hes up there looking down on me and watching over me as theirs no way he would have let me get involved with your one nor all the other stuff which was pretty much out of my control and led me to my current path
thanks

Flange/Flanders

You sound like you have a bit of low self esteem, if you do, I say to you that you have no need to feel low about yourself!! You're a former international judo competitor, you've been accepted as a Royal Marine but whats even better is that when you realised you were being treaded like crap by an ex you cut them out of your life. That is so hard to do and so many people keep crawling back to someone like that! While you may have acted out, just accept that that you've made a mistake and learn from it, everyone does things that you regret.

Otherwise, if the RM excites you then go for it!! Dont stick in a job that you hate or dislike, life is too short. Best of luck with it.

Sleepy

Given your achievements to date (Judo and being accepted to the RMC), I reckon this'll be the making of you OP. One thing the military gives people is self-respect and it's been something seriously lacking in your life to date. Give it your all and it'll be something that you'll know your Dad would have been proud of.

Mighty_Mouse

First off, don't be too hard on yourself. It's clear to me you are still grieving & it can have strange effects on people.

It's time to take some personal responsibility for yourself.
If your homeplace is not a good environment, then move out. You can stay close to home but a little independence at this stage is probably no harm.

The ex-gf - you knew exactly the type she was the second you set eyes on her. Your mates told you exactly the type she was. You allowed her to make a fool of you. You had the power to stop this but you didn't act.

You mates - don't lose good friends. I know there has been a gap but get back in touch.

The army. You only live once. Live the life you want. Be happy. If you father is looking down on you I'm sure he would tell you the same.