gf dreaming of ex

LegacyUser

I'm in a long term relationship with a girl, she is away down the country at the moment and I stayed in her house in town after a night out while she was away. I'd had a good few drinks. I got in and made a cup of tea then i turned on the computer to look at Facebook.

Now before I go any further, in the 1.5 years we are seeing each other, I've never picked up her phone, or looked at her Facebook without her asking me to. I am a very trusting person.

We have about 60 or so friends who are mutual on Facebook. So when I logged in at stupid o'clock after hanging out with a bunch of them, their posts were all on HER wall. I didn't notice that it was her account until a minute had passed or so. The penny didn't drop at all.

So i notice her ex BF had posted something, and in my drunken state I was puzzled to recall who the chap was, why "I" was friends with him, and above all why hes on my wall. So I clicked his profile and looked at our messages to try jog my memory. Then I saw my GF's name in the chat log. The penny dropped, I realized that it wasn't my Facebook account. Yes, I am that slow.

I was about to close the window and log out but I noticed there was a chat log at Christmas last year, which my GF had started. At this point we would have been going out for a few months. She messaged him saying that she had a dream about him and she was being kinda chatty, but he didn't really make the effort to chat back, and 4/5 lines into the talk he said he had to go. She said that she had a dream about him and he had wooden teeth. So I looked this up and the interpretation of it is that she is doing something that she shouldn't be doing, or doesn't care of the consequences.

It was also around this time they had the chat that he was texting her asking if there was any 'sessions' going on at 2am after he'd had a few drinks, not only that, he called around to her house while i was sitting on the sofa. I thought nothing of it, but now Im losing my mind.

I logged out, and basically just sat there trying to figure out whats going on and I'm stumped. I went to sleep with the idea that I'm just drunk and I'm over analyzing this. The next day was no different. She's still away and gets back on Monday. I don't know what to do.

I've never cheated on anyone in my life, I wouldn't want to put anyone through anything like that. She told me that she did but the chap deserved it. I thought nothing of it, now I'm worried that I've done something to her(I cant recall anything) and that during that period something has happened.

Any advise or interpretations on this situation?

Catari Jaguar

She's not really "dreaming" of him, she had a dream. Back in December. In which he had wooden teeth. Srsly? It wasn't sexy or romantic.

You say he hardly even responded to her. Look, if a girl starts a chat with "I had a dream about you last night..." you're gonna ask her what happened in it! He obviously isn't interested in her.

And I wouldn't take dream interpretations too seriously. Maybe she watched a show about George Washington that day or something...

Just chill out and don't read other people's messages again.

Piliger

Jeez I hate when people feel justified in reading other people's diaries, facebook and email. There is no excuse in my view, whatsoever, whether you find yourself in it by accident or not.

And this poor girl had a dream ...... so ? When did you last have a dream about your favourite film star ? celebrity hottie ? porn star ? past gf ? girl in the supermarket ?

OP - I really think you need to step back and look at what you are saying.

Katgurl

Piliger wrote: »

And this poor girl had a dream ...... so ? When did you last have a dream about your favourite film star ? celebrity hottie ? porn star ? past gf ? girl in the supermarket ?

I don't think that's really fair to the OP tbh, it's not just that she had a dream, its that she contacted her ex to tell him she had the dream.

however the other stuff you mentioned - him dropping around / texting etc would suggest they are friends. is this the case? If so, mentioning a dream to him really is no big deal.

the other possibility is that around that time there was a very vague flirtation going on (the "i had a dream about you..." is a pretty standard opportunity to pick up an old dialogue with somobody in my experience) around that time but it ended if the visits & text messages stopped. Maybe there was a potential there but she realised she liked you more and stopped it. or maybe he cut her off and she decided to stay with you. Its really impossible to tell based on the info you've given above.

I will emphatically state this though - your girlfriend really has done nothing wrong in what you've outlined above and if this is the only cause for concern you have then you should try to forget all about it.

The only thing i find a bit off about her behaviour is her justifying her cheating wiht "he deserved it". Ok nobody is perfect and cheating does happen from time to time even by good people but seriously take responsibility for your own actions. I've cheated myself in the past, I regret it, never felt good about it, know what led me to do it but i never blamed the other person, that's just pathetic.

LegacyUser

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

She's not really "dreaming" of him, she had a dream. Back in December. In which he had wooden teeth. Srsly? It wasn't sexy or romantic.

You say he hardly even responded to her. Look, if a girl starts a chat with "I had a dream about you last night..." you're gonna ask her what happened in it! He obviously isn't interested in her.

well what i read of that dream interpretation was that it means you're acting in a way that you don't care of the consequence. Meaning she knew it was the wrong thing to do, but she was doing it anyway. He's in a relationship aswel, but after the facebook chat he started texting and called over to her house.

Piliger wrote: »

Jeez I hate when people feel justified in reading other people's diaries, facebook and email. There is no excuse in my view, whatsoever, whether you find yourself in it by accident or not.

And this poor girl had a dream ...... so ? When did you last have a dream about your favourite film star ? celebrity hottie ? porn star ? past gf ? girl in the supermarket ?

OP - I really think you need to step back and look at what you are saying.

And its replies like this which is why I've stayed away from personal issues for over 4/5 years now. Its typical that someone reads around the actual point that was made and focus' on something completely off topic. I explained that it was a mistake how I came to it, but yes, I shouldnt have scrolled up, but seeing an 'x' doesnt put the mind at ease and I had to for my own piece of mind.

Shes not a 'poor' girl, please dont put a spin on the topic. I dont dream of anyone but her in that way. I understand that people can dream of other people, but letting them know about it is another thing.

Katgurl wrote: »

I don't think that's really fair to the OP tbh, it's not just that she had a dream, its that she contacted her ex to tell him she had the dream.

exactly the point!

Katgurl wrote: »

however the other stuff you mentioned - him dropping around / texting etc would suggest they are friends. is this the case? If so, mentioning a dream to him really is no big deal.

No. They are not friends. They dont hang out with each other, or see each other in any way. If the dream was about a different ex who we both hang out with, I wouldnt think much of it at all.

Katgurl wrote: »

the other possibility is that around that time there was a very vague flirtation going on (the "i had a dream about you..." is a pretty standard opportunity to pick up an old dialogue with somobody in my experience) around that time but it ended if the visits & text messages stopped. Maybe there was a potential there but she realised she liked you more and stopped it. or maybe he cut her off and she decided to stay with you. Its really impossible to tell based on the info you've given above.

Thats what im getting at. Does it seem like she was trying to get back on a more friendly bases with the chap to you? I'm not going to stand for being something thats there because she was 'cut off' by an ex.

There has been another time we were out where one of the ex's was there and she spent the whole night hanging out with the chap and dancing. I noticed it and afterwords said I was upset that she left me hanging out with her friends while she went off with him.

Katgurl wrote: »

I will emphatically state this though - your girlfriend really has done nothing wrong in what you've outlined above and if this is the only cause for concern you have then you should try to forget all about it.

I should, but its hard when I see the cards laid out as they are. She gets hit on all the time(standard for most girls), and on facebook theres lads blatently asking her out etc. Something as simple as a 'in a relationship with xxx' would sort it, which i've suggested, but I wont initiate because it sounds like I'm being too protective of her (in my head). I'm not, regardless of how I come across over protective or insecure, this is just something which i needed to get off my chest and have a fresh set of eyes on.

dellas1979

awdadawdwadw wrote: »

I thought nothing of it, now I'm worried that I've done something to her(I cant recall anything) and that during that period something has happened.

Isnt it funny (not in a haha way) how we blame ourselves for other people's actions?

I would say it to her what happened, and leave it at that. Let her explain though before you make any judgement.

PucaMama

OPagain wrote: »

well what i read of that dream interpretation was that it means you're acting in a way that you don't care of the consequence. Meaning she knew it was the wrong thing to do, but she was doing it anyway. .


is the op useing dream interpretations from a book to accuse his gf of cheating????

discus

Go easy on OP guys.

Mate, I would be trying to think of how your GF reacted when that lad arrived at 2am drunk. Could that have been a regular occurance?

@rti-shm@rti

Okay - first of all it sounds like it was a genuine mistake you ended up looking at her FB account, so I'm not going to go on and on about invasions of privacy. You already know that how you came about the information is a bit dubious. (Having said that though, I have accidentally ended up in my friends' messages on FB confused as to how I have a message from so and so when it actually turns out that they had forgotten to log out of my lap top - so it can happen and everyone needs to stop accusing him of ending up where he did on FB!)

To me it sounds like a) you weren't going out too long at the time b) she innocently enough messaged him some boring crap (maybe there was an ulterior motive to it i.e. she wanted to strike up contact and this was a fairly neutral way of doing it c) this spurred the ex to text a few drunken messages on nights out when he was bladdered probably maybe also with ulterior motives. The fact is - she's with you now. I've said it before on other threads, the grey area when you first start seeing someone before it becomes an all out full time committed relationships is a time that I think i can get over behaviour like this. In all likelihood nothing happened. I'd be more worried if there were chats and messages going back and forth now, not that there were 8 months ago.

Piliger

@rti-shm@rti wrote: »

Okay - first of all it sounds like it was a genuine mistake you ended up looking at her FB account, so I'm not going to go on and on about invasions of privacy. You already know that how you came about the information is a bit dubious. (Having said that though, I have accidentally ended up in my friends' messages on FB confused as to how I have a message from so and so when it actually turns out that they had forgotten to log out of my lap top - so it can happen and everyone needs to stop accusing him of ending up where he did on FB!)

I have done the same thing. I have also in the long distant past had a diary fall open in front of me a couple of different times. However in ALL cases I closed the diary without reading it and logged OFF the moment I realised I was on the wrong site. It's one thing arriving by accident. It's another to wilfully continue to read. That is a conscious choice and a dreadful breach of trust FAR more grievous that a silly dream.

AnonoBoy

First off - dream interpretations? Nonsense. Don't start believing rubbish like that.

Also - there's nothing in those messages that suggested she cheated on you.

Better to say absolutely nothing about this to her because she will go through you for a short cut for reading her messages (and rightly so).

P. Breathnach

What I see:
1. She messaged him on facebook to tell him about an odd dream in which he featured, and he din't seem very interested. That's next to nothing on the scale of things that really matter.
2. After that, he seemed to think that it was okay to contact her, possibly interested in something other than discussing dreams. That's his behaviour, not hers. I presume you know about it because she told you, which hardly suggests that she was doing anything wrong.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Isnt it funny (not in a haha way) how we blame ourselves for other people's actions?

I would say it to her what happened, and leave it at that. Let her explain though before you make any judgement.

Yep, I could justify her looking for attention elsewhere if I did something wrong or was being mean to her, but I wasnt.

Im thinking that I will do that, its on my mind and its sort of obvious as she has mentioned it to me today that i seem 'off'.

discus wrote: »

Go easy on OP guys.

Mate, I would be trying to think of how your GF reacted when that lad arrived at 2am drunk. Could that have been a regular occurance?

Sorry, I might have explained it wrong, he didnt show up at 2am drunk, he texted her a few times around that time while we were in bed. He showed up at the house mid day while i was on the sofa watching TV and she was doing stuff elsewhere in the house.

@rti-shm@rti wrote: »

To me it sounds like a) you weren't going out too long at the time b) she innocently enough messaged him some boring crap (maybe there was an ulterior motive to it i.e. she wanted to strike up contact and this was a fairly neutral way of doing it c) this spurred the ex to text a few drunken messages on nights out when he was bladdered probably maybe also with ulterior motives. The fact is - she's with you now. I've said it before on other threads, the grey area when you first start seeing someone before it becomes an all out full time committed relationships is a time that I think i can get over behaviour like this. In all likelihood nothing happened. I'd be more worried if there were chats and messages going back and forth now, not that there were 8 months ago.

5/6 months and very serious. Why would she want to make contact with the chap tho? Im lost? I understand what you're saying, i just feel crap because the chap has nothing to do with her anymore in any way shape or form!! (that i know of)

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Better to say absolutely nothing about this to her because she will go through you for a short cut for reading her messages (and rightly so).

While that would probably be the wiser thing to do, I sort of feel I owe it to her (regardless of the situation) to say that I was on her facebook page. Out of respect

P. Breathnach wrote: »

What I see:
1. She messaged him on facebook to tell him about an odd dream in which he featured, and he din't seem very interested. That's next to nothing on the scale of things that really matter.
2. After that, he seemed to think that it was okay to contact her, possibly interested in something other than discussing dreams. That's his behaviour, not hers. I presume you know about it because she told you, which hardly suggests that she was doing anything wrong.

No, i only know because I was in bed with her asleep a couple of times that I knew about him texting her, and the time he showed up at the house. Other than that, I know nothing. This is why I'm worried!

It seems that the general consensus from people is that its ok to get in contact with your ex and flirt, weigh up options etc. I don't think that's fair tho. If I messaged an ex and told them I had a dream about them, the only reason I could think of doing it would be so that I can get close to them again and line something up. I'm horribly confused on the matter.

P. Breathnach

OPyetAgain wrote: »

...
It seems that the general consensus from people is that its ok to get in contact with your ex and flirt, weigh up options etc.

I don't think that is being said. Many people are on friendly terms with exes, and it is no threat to their current relationships. Her message might have been sent with a friendly intent; his behaviour could mean that he read a different intent into it.

I don't think that's fair tho. If I messaged an ex and told them I had a dream about them, the only reason I could think of doing it would be so that I can get close to them again and line something up.

That's your view; hers might be different. But I have to recognise that this particular ex might have interpreted her intention as you would.

I'm horribly confused on the matter.

Understandably. It's easier for the people here discussing things with you: our emotional well-being is not at stake. Further, she probably undermined your trust in her by telling you that she had cheated on a former boyfriend and also by paying more attention to an ex than to you on a night out.

Lorna123

The best thing is to have a chat with your g/f about all of this. Your mind is working overtime and you are coming up with scenarios that may never have or will never happen. You will have to explain how you got to see her facebook page and just take it from there. How she reacts will tell you a lot, more than any of us can tell you.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I don't think that is being said. Many people are on friendly terms with exes, and it is no threat to their current relationships. Her message might have been sent with a friendly intent; his behaviour could mean that he read a different intent into it.

She is too, dont get me wrong. I we see 2 of them on a regular enough bases and while they arent my favorite people, I'm polite to them and make an effort and treat them as normal.

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Understandably. It's easier for the people here discussing things with you: our emotional well-being is not at stake. Further, she probably undermined your trust in her by telling you that she had cheated on a former boyfriend and also by paying more attention to an ex than to you on a night out.

Exactly why I put it to the people here, I needed a fresh set of eyes on this. I dont think she undermined anything as far as I go, I think it was more that she thought I was having fun with her friends that night - which I was, only I pointed out that I didnt feel right her off with the ex..

Lorna123 wrote: »

The best thing is to have a chat with your g/f about all of this. Your mind is working overtime and you are coming up with scenarios that may never have or will never happen. You will have to explain how you got to see her facebook page and just take it from there. How she reacts will tell you a lot, more than any of us can tell you.

I think this is what I wanted to hear over all after I had discussed the situation with other people and her reaction would be a very good indicator of things.

I had a chat with her last night about it. I was to the point and explained how I came to be on her facebook page and that while that is an issue in itself its not the issue we need to talk about just now, we can talk about it after. She understood and when I said about her ex she was very comforting and understanding and I could tell that it was all in my head, so that issue lasted about 30 seconds. Then we went on to the facebook thing... To the disappointment of a few people who replied, she knew I'm not the type of person to do that and she didn't care in the slightest!

No issue anymore. Thanks to everyone who replied, regardless of how it came across from my replies they were helpful.

OP.

glad to hear it's sorted OP