Death of a friend - can't get home

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My friend died yesterday. He had a procedure called Pneumonectomy on Thursday, but complications developed and his body shut down. His life support machine was turned off yesterday evening.

I'm living in America and I just spent close to 5k recently so I can't afford to get home for the funeral. My family just visited me recently so they are broke as well.

My friend only found out he was sick 2 weeks ago and kept it secret from friends regarding the surgery so this is very sudden for a lot of us.

I feel terrible here, and I wish I could go home to get some closure.

I'm supposed to go to a stag today, but I don't feel up for it. If my friend knew I was moping he would be going mad haha. He was a really nice guy, a character, one of the kindest people you could ever meet and I loved him dearly.

I'm not even sure what the point of this thread is. I just needed to get this off my chest and tell someone. I've been up since 5am crying on and off. It's 10.22am now and I'm supposed to leave for the stag at 1pm. I should really go to try and get my mind off of things. Looking at Facebook is depressing but I'm finding it hard to close the laptop and go away.

It would have been his 40th in November so I should really wait until then to go home, as I'm sure there will be a memorial for him then.

Tragic stuff. It really puts things into perspective. I haven't lost a close friend in a long time, and I don't want to go through this again for a very long time. Life is awful sometimes.

Princess Peach

So sorry for your loss.

Its understandable you can't get back for the funeral. Although they aren't pleasant, they are good to say goodbye and remember and bring some small sort of closure to the life.

Is there something you could do yourself to honour your friend? If you have some close friends where you live, even if they didn't know your friend, ask them to come together so you can talk about it. You could make it a nice ceremony thing, or even just casual drinks in his honour, to share some memories and thoughts. Hopefully you will get home for the 40th, but might do you some good to do something in the meantime.

Take care!

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Thanks PP. That's lovely advice. I'll try something like that.

beks101

No real advice O, just to say I'm really sorry for your loss.

I know how isolating it can be to be so far from family and friends and I understand how difficult logistics of getting back home can be, it must be heartbreaking to know that you can't be there to say a final goodbye to your friend.

Are you religious? If so, maybe you could find a quiet church somewhere to light a candle in his memory, I'm not particularly religious but find this therapeutic when I'm struggling with something.

So sorry for what you're going through, it sounds like you lost a great friend x

DazMarz

I've heard it before, but I honestly do not know if it's genuine, but I've heard of airlines doing special rates for those who have to travel to funerals. It may only apply to family, though, so I'm not sure.

But it must have been a horrible shock, and I'm sorry for your troubles.

mikemac1

DazMarz wrote: »

I've heard it before, but I honestly do not know if it's genuine, but I've heard of airlines doing special rates for those who have to travel to funerals. It may only apply to family, though, so I'm not sure.

Aer Lingus have this, it's an old PSO public service obligation that's still there.
But it's immediate family only so unfortunately won't help the OP

LifesgoodwithLG

OP I am really sorry to hear of your friends passing. At times like this you really just want to be at home with your people and friends. Sometimes life is pants. A friend passed away while I was travelling , that night I went down to the beach with another friend and spent hours telling stories ( dumb stories talking about us having dance offs etc etc and other happy and sad memories) and in that way we honoured his memory and it was a way of saying goodbye. As another poster said maybe you could do something that will me meaningful for you. Its not the same as being home however be around your friends. I will be thinking of you and sending you the best wishes.

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You're all very kind - thanks everyone!

Tombo2001

My brother died some years back, he was in his early 20s.

The funeral was a blur, I couldnt say who was there and who wasnt there.

However I did and do greatly appreciate friends of his who might call in to see my parents 7 or 8 years later to see how they are getting on, and to talk about him, or even not talk about him, but its obvious its that they are calling in because of him.

In my view, Irish people make a big show about the funeral, but not much is really said at funeral except cliched stuff. Its not so bad if its a very old person, because there is a sense that their time has come and they have had a full life, and you can celebrate that. Its very sad, but its not tragic. But if its a young person, then it is tragic and it makes it very difficult to talk about it at the funeral in any meaningful way, its just to raw. I dont mean to knock them, the support people get from neighbours and friends at the funeral is great. But when the funeral is over.....thats it, nothing is ever said about it again. People are afraid to talk about it......especially if its a young person.

But I think if you could remember your friend in a years time, or in five years time, or in ten years time; and maybe send a letter or call in to his family then, that would be much more valuable.

Also, a warm letter from abroad can be very comforting. It could say a lot of things that you couldnt say just by standing in a church with 300 other people. It would be read and would be appreciated.

I'd stress, I can only speak from my own experience here.....i cant say my views would be everyone elses as well. And I understand your OP was from your own point of view, for closure, as well as being there for others; but again I'm just sharing my own experiences on this.

ABajaninCork

I was going to say the same as Tombo. Do you know your friend's parents? You could maybe write them a nice letter honouring your friendship.

You could even write a letter to yourself. Talk about your friend, all the good times and memories you shared, funny stories, whatever comes into your head. It would be good to get all your thoughts and grief out.

LegacyUser

OP I was in a very similar place to yourself several years ago. I was living in the states when a close friend died. She had suffered from an eating disorder for many years but she'd made such an effort to get her life back on track. The years of bad health had damaged her heart and she had a heart attack at home but no one knew for a few days as she was meant to be gone away on a weekend break. I felt so trapped, like yourself I couldn't afford to go home. I spent nearly a week in just an emotional blur, just trying to get my head around it. I had a bunch of letters from her that I read and re-read. I had to go back to work and just try and deal and for several months it was very hard. I didn't get home for quite some time and I just felt awful but I also knew my friend would be really annoyed at me for sitting around doing nothing. I had a card from her from when I moved to the states that she'd written some wonderful things about going out there and just doing what you loved so I saved up and went on a road trip a year later. I spent a month driving all around the US and Canada with several friends and when I got to the furthest point from home I went off by myself and had drink in a pub in her memory. It might sound daft to some but I knew she would have approved.

You can feel pretty powerless right now OP and frustrated that you aren't there. All I can say is remember your friend - be sad, cry, get angry if you need to, also don't be afraid to be happy when remembering the good times. There is not right or wrong way to grieve so don't let anyone else tell you how your should feel right now.

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Thanks again everyone. I just found out that when they opened him up to perform surgery they discovered he was actually riddled with cancer, it wasn't just in his lung it was everywhere. This gives me some solace, as I feel it would have been worse if he suffered for a long time before passing away. While it was pretty sudden and somewhat unexpected, I prefer that his last few days were celebrated instead of in a hospice somewhere.