Not Sure What To Do

Caked Karen

Hey guys,

just have a quick one yet a long one at the same time

Ive been seeing a guy for about 6 months and we have spent the last 2 months apart as I am away with work. We met at work and when I left, as the norm seems to be, loads of people added me on facebook to keep in touch
We've chatted every day and I miss him to pieces but I would be telling him general things and was saying how XXX sent me a message and was telling me blah blah blah which he was ok about

in the last week or so, he has got really really mad about everything and said that its all built up and is mad that these guys are sending me messages and staying in touch. i said that we are just friends and thats it and they wanted to stay in touch but he knows that 2 of the guys fancied me (which i didnt think at all) and is really mad that i am in touch with them

he has asked me to think about things and what can be done and says he isnt mad at me but is just mad in general. but it has to be at me at the same time if its bothering him that much. ive no problem not messaging these people if that what he wants but just not too sure where to go with this.

im crazy about him and want to make it work but he's asking me to think about it so i dont know what else to say other than i wont message them which ive already said

any advise appreciated!

thanks
k

CommanderC

In my opinion, he is being very unreasonable.

You are allowed to message your friends/people you know from work, on Facebook (I assume they are not full on flirty messages). If he gets so mad over that, then that would be a warning sign to me.

In the future, what else is going to make him mad?? Going out with a groups of friends that includes guys ?

I would tell him that you've thought about it and as you are an adult, he has no right to try to stop talking to your friends on FB or anywhere else and if he continues giving you a hard time about it then I would consider getting out of the relationship.

P. Breathnach

I'd cut him some slack, but not too much. Separation puts pressure on relationships, and your relationship is still relatively new. So he may be experiencing some anxiety because he is missing you, and he might not yet feel secure about things with you.

He believes that two of the guys that you are in contact with fancied you, even though you don't. It is quite possible that he is right. You all worked together. There might have been talk among the lads along the lines of "She's a bit of all right; I'd go for her if I got the chance." or even "If she wasn't with you ...".

To me, it looks as if he needs reassurance, and it would be better if you both actually knew if the guys he is bothered about do fancy you. You can't (well, shouldn't) ask them straight out. But if they are telling you about relationships they are in, that should give him and you some comfort; if they are not involved with somebody, and are clearly available, then you should exercise some caution.

dellas1979

Are you just away for work i.e. a few weeks, or is it a long term thing? Also, what is the distance i.e., he lives (in dublin?) and you in europe? Is it possible to fly over to see eachother? Sounds like he is missing you and feeling a bit left out.

Caked Karen

thanks for the replies guys!
at the moment, we are about 2000K away from each other and unfortunately he isnt in a position to come see me. I am going to go see him in about 3 weeks so I was really looking forward to it but he was saying that things feel weird and stuff so not so excited anymore!

I am hoping that its just that he is missing me. I have told him that I am crazy about him and dont want to be with anyone else and I have only even seen these guys as friends. One of them is married and the other guy I honestly thought he was gay lol! but obviously not. It could be a case that he over heard them saying something about me maybe.

I guess I am worried that he doesnt trust me or something even though I have reassured him and said that no one else matters. He knows how I feel but is still being like this and I just want him to realise that they are just mates. I dont want to be the girl who just succums and stops talking to friends ive met in one way, bt in another i dont want to risk loosing him either....

dellas1979

2000k? Is it sustainable to have a relationship 2000k apart? Is it fair on either of ye if it is a long term thing? I guess ye will have to have a chat about what ye both want.

Maybe he is realising this. And the "talking to your friends" issue is just a symptom, but not the actual problem.

Is he or you in a position for him to move there or you to move back to give the relationship a fair chance?

P. Breathnach

Caked Karen wrote: »

... One of them is married ...

That does not have to prevent him from fancying you, or even from saying it in the course of lads' talk.

I would hope that it would be a barrier to his acting on it. Of course, your being in a relationship is also a barrier. But I could sympathise with your boyfriend being uncomfortable about your being in contact if this guy had ever indicated that he thought you sexually attractive.

I'm not trying to big up what might be a small problem. Being male, I have more experience of the sort of things men say between themselves than does the average woman, and I am am trying to give you some insight into the sort of thoughts that might be bothering him.

Piliger

Hi OP.

In my view this guy is showing classic signs of excessive jealousy and of being a controller. Being 'mad' at this kind of harmless stuff that is in YOUR domain and not his, is an early sign, imho of how he will be when you are back together.
You may find it all cute and a sign of his affection and my comments are over kill. But if you read lots of threads in this section of Boards you will find lots of relationships that have been destroyed by this kind of thing, because it just gets worse and worse. Getting mad about facebook moves to getting mad that you are talking to other men, going out with friends, etc. etc. etc.
Just be careful and be watchful of his behaviour and make sure you don't allow him to persuade you to start bending to his jealousy just to please him, or just to stop him being mad. If your relationship continues, make sure you take a stand and reassure him, but make it clear to him that you won't be told what to do. If you do that you will soon find out if it is just natural concern from him or something more.

Caked Karen

Thanks guys,

Re : distance - I'm away for another 8 weeks after this but will be back together again then. We are not living together or anything but could be a case that he is overthinking while we are apart? And just the little things that normally wouldn't bother him are cause we are apart?

He really isn't a controlling guy and is usually laid back so I really don't know if he would suddenly become that kinda guy. I've told him its just friends but if he is still mad could that be a sign that he doesn't trust me?

Lorna123

Could you just stop telling him what guys are messaging you and what guys are saying to you. You are sort of shoving it in his face. Just keep your own business to yourself and see how that goes.

dellas1979

Just wondering what ages are ye?

Just wondering that because ye seem quite young also.

Caked Karen

dellas1979 wrote: »

Just wondering what ages are ye?

Just wondering that because ye seem quite young also.

I wish I'm 29 and he's 28

I know it just sounds like a silly random thing but just it's bothered me why he is so mad. I could just tell him that i don't talk to them but if he is mad at this, imagine if he found out I was lying to him lol
He left it on the phone yesterday telling me to think about it...what is their to say really? It's either that I don't speak wih these lads (giving him the dominant side cause I'm caving to him) or tell him I'm going to keep talking to them as they are just friends and run the risk of possible loosing him over something so bloody ridiculous! Even if I was meeting these guys for drinks etc I'd understand abit more his jealousy or worry but a "how you getting on" message on Facebook really shouldn't be such a big deal

Piliger

Caked Karen wrote: »

He really isn't a controlling guy and is usually laid back so I really don't know if he would suddenly become that kinda guy. I've told him its just friends but if he is still mad could that be a sign that he doesn't trust me?

It's sign he doesn't trust you at all, and he is controlling how you feel with his baseless anger. Be warned OP. You may think I am OTT, but controlling comes in many guises and emotional control through this kind of jealousy is the most common way it starts.

Demonical

Piliger wrote: »

It's sign he doesn't trust you at all, and he is controlling how you feel with his baseless anger. Be warned OP. You may think I am OTT, but controlling comes in many guises and emotional control through this kind of jealousy is the most common way it starts.

This is very true. I would be exceptionally wary if I was you op. And definitly do not stop talking with any of your friends/acquaintances in an attemp to placate your boyfriend. If he cant handle you talking with other men then my advice is to run away as fast as you can, this is only the very tip of the iceberg..

Ive been through a relationship like this. It all started off well but it got so bad that I couldnt tell my bf that I was after talking/texting/messaging/meeting with one of my male friends because he would literally blow a gasket. I then stopped talking to friends because I didnt want the agro of telling I was talking to them and I also didnt want to lie. I only did this for a short while before I finally copped on that he was most definitly not worth it, no one is.