Going abroad with someone I dislike

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, petty issue here but I thought I'd seek some help anyway.

I'm going abroad next week as sort of a post-Leaving Cert holiday with 5 friends. I get along with 4 of these girls really well, but I really don't get on with the 5th. There are a lot of genuine reasons for this, she's very snide and has made some really insulting comments to me in the past, both about me and about other friends behind their backs. She can be very bitchy and she often tries to stir up an argument.

Really, the fine details aren't that important. The main issue is that I don't like this girl at all and I need to figure out a way to put up with that for a week abroad. We'll all be staying in an apartment, which I'm really not looking forward to because I think it'll cause tension (just in general with the group, not necessarily just with this one girl). I do generally take the advice of "just ignore her," but I'm afraid it won't be as simple as that the whole time. I will admit to being easily wound up though, so if she does start to get to me it could be a problem. Really I just want to enjoy my holiday and also not ruin it for others! I know it probably sounds like I'm obsessing over this but I'm just worrying before I go away that it might cause tension.

Lorna123

You know in advance what this girl is like and what she is likely to come up with so that is a great help. It would be different if she suddenly insulted you and you were frozen and didn't know what to say. So just make up your mind in advance that whenever this girl says something derogatory that you are going to have a phrase you use to deflate her e.g. if she says "that swimsuit doesn't show off your best bits" then you say "lucky you, with the perfect figure", and say this while smiling. The secret is to keep smiling. If she says anything bitchy about anyone else just say "it must be great to be perfect in every way" and keep on smiling. You can easily shrug off her comments when you are prepared and you are now prepared. So just go off and enjoy your holiday and by the time you are coming back you will have taught this girl how to behave;)

LegacyUser

I wouldn't be sure that the above advice wouldn't do more to inflame the situation than deflate it. IMO, she will either amend her behaviour because of the close proximity with others or else she'll carry on regardless. If she doesn't quit, my advice would be to ignore her as long as you can and if she is persistent, patiently wait and pick an occasion when she has been particularly scathing. In a very firm but non-confrontational voice just hit her with 'hey <her name>, stop it now'!

She'll come back with 'what do you mean?', 'shur I was only saying' or whatever other crap justification she can think of but the trick is to not engage her or justify your position in any way. Smash her with one unambiguous instruction to cease her misbehaviour. She may try to draw you out; ignore her completely at this stage. She will want a row, don't give it to her. Maybe she'll storm off and try to make herself the victim, which is classic bully behaviour. Don't allow her to make you feel like you've done something wrong.

Others may turn on you at this stage. The amount of people that wish to stay 'in' with the bully rather than confront them always surprises me. They will know it's easier to confront you than to confront the bully. You have to shrug it off and don't engage them either. This is all an exercise in having your way.

Kimia

I really don't agree with the above advice - it's way more confrontational than it needs to be and you risk alienating all the other girls and causing a huge rift.

I think Lorna's advice is excellent. This girl knows what she's doing and is likely doing it because she's somehow jealous of you. That's what these snide remarks are - so calling her out (in a very innocent and sweet way) is a great idea and will make her think twice about putting you on the spot.

The only thing I would add is that if she gets really out of line, I would say something like 'wow that wasn't a very nice thing to say' and look almost puzzled. Because it's the truth and she will look very bad in front of the others.

Try and enjoy yourself and avoid her as much as possible. Have fun!

Big Bag of Chips

Very often "just ignore her" doesn't actually work in situations like this, because you end up keeping your mouth shut and being miserable, while she gets free reign over the group.

You can be fairly certain that you are not the only one of the group who feels like this about her. But they might just go along with her for the sake of an easy life.

I would tend to go with the questioning her... every time!

If she says something bitchy, just ask - "Why would you say that?" - or "why does that bother you?"

I remember one time a fella that had an opinion on everything commented after I got highlights that he could count at least 4 different colours in my hair - I just asked him why that bothered him and looked at him intently waiting for an answer - he didn't have an answer, and didn't know where to look! It stopped any/all comments to me after that... although he still made comments at others!

You are forearmed with this one. You know what she's like so you should now start building yourself up to have a laugh at her! Every time she says something bitchy, you laugh (or smile.. that sickly sweet, almost pitying smile!) as if to say you feel sorry for her that she has so little in her life that other people's lives bother her so much!

Rather than this being a very tiresome, dreaded week away - it could actually become the best laugh you've had in a long time!

Sleepy

Kimia has the right advice here: don't confront in any other way than one would admonish a 2 year old.

The only thing you can control is your reaction: you're not easily wound up, you allow yourself to be wound up easily. Don't get upset at bitchy comments, they're insincere remarks made as an attempt to try and establish the insecure bully's social position within your group and, as such, meaningless.

Don't give her anything to work with. No questions, no counter-insults just a "that wasn't a very nice thing to say" and move the conversation onto something else with one of the other girls.

lazygal

I've found it can be very effective to let comments just 'hang' after the person says it. My mother can be blunt, to the point of being hurtful, comments like 'I'm not sure that dress really suits you, with your figure' things like that. For a good while now I've just not responded, just letting the comment 'hang' rather than jollying along. I do the same with my father in law, who can be extremely critical, but regards his comments as 'banter'. We now just don't laugh along with his cutting remarks, and he's the one who looks foolish and tries to stumble his way out of the remarks.