What do ye guys reckon

gabrielle2012

Just reading a post in the personal issues page where a guy told a girl he didnt have time for a relationship and theres a debate whether its a genuine reason or a lame excuse

so what im asking is do guys just use this line when their not interested or is it a genuine reason and what other lines do ye use when you want to end it but dont want to look like the bad guy

Bad Panda

If I'm interested, I'll make time. Simple as that.

puffishoes

the majority of men will say just about anything and use any excuse in order to get out of the situation with the least amount of hassle.

be it, it's you it's not me. you're too good for me blah blah blah blah.

If you don't have time for a relationship you don't go looking for one or if you do you make sure the person knows what they're getting into by explaining from the off your expectations. e.g. "f*ck buddy's" or whatever the case maybe.

Tefral

Bad Panda wrote: »

If I'm interested, I'll make time. Simple as that.

This is the crux of it really.

If the person means alot to you more than other areas of your life then you can prioritise you time to them.

People do it every day in work, prioritise whats important and do that at the expense of other things.

Hardonraging

Bad Panda wrote: »

If I'm interested, I'll make time. Simple as that.

Just like my man here !!! I was single for a good few months, wasnt looking for anything in particular, but i'm a bit sick of random encounters ..

Time's a valuable thing to us all, but, if you want something to work, you need to make time.

iptba

gabrielle2012 wrote: »

Just reading a post in the personal issues page where a guy told a girl he didnt have time for a relationship and theres a debate whether its a genuine reason or a lame excuse

so what im asking is do guys just use this line when their not interested or is it a genuine reason and what other lines do ye use when you want to end it but dont want to look like the bad guy

I have used it before and it was true as I was really struggling with studying. I can see how it can happen with some types of studying (could be second level, third level or even education doing when older including if also working) (the person wouldn't even need to be studying all the time - it can be hard to get down to it sometimes). Not sure if it would happen much in other situations.

The Corinthian

More likely than not, it is probably an excuse, but I wouldn't rule it out being true either.

I spent a spell working in a job that had essentially 100% travel; I caught my flight from Dublin to London on a Sunday evening and came back for the weekend on a Friday evening. Very difficult to start a relationship when all you have is the weekend at best (remember, you also have family and friends to fit in on the weekend).

Or you might be working two jobs. Or studying and working. Or you may be a single parent and have no weekends because you're with your kid. Or caring for a close relative.

Combined with stress, a recent break-up or whatever, I can see where some guys might genuinely feel that they don't have the time to start a new relationship in circumstances as those.

So good chance it is a 'lame' excuse, but not always.

strobe

gabrielle2012 wrote: »

so what im asking is do guys just use this line when their not interested or is it a genuine reason and what other lines do ye use when you want to end it but dont want to look like the bad guy

Simple answer to this one really. Some guys will be saying that as a line when they are not interested, for some guys it'll be a genuine reason.

Same goes for anything else that would be suggested for 'other lines'.

puffishoes wrote: »

the majority of men will say just about anything and use any excuse in order to get out of the situation with the least amount of hassle.

Horse shit.

iptba

It may depend on how time consuming the relationship is. Big difference between spending two nights a week with somebody rather than 25 hours or whatever (factoring in travelling, phone calls, etc.).

gabrielle2012

I find it hard to accept the concept of if you want or like someone you will find the time... My ex spends the guts of 13 hrs a day in his line of work (farmer)so he didnt have the time to spend with me or would be wrecked after a days work and just said he didnt have time for a relationship and i totally accepted that as a genuine reason i think anyone be it a lad or a girl who uses i dont have the time for a relationship when really they just arent interested are cowards giving the second party false hope

Dravokivich

You are looking through this with a tinted viewpoint IMO. There was another thread where a guy felt he wasn't getting enough time from the woman in the relationship.

Blokes and Women can come up against something where such feedback is considered valid to give. If it's lame or not is up to the recipient and what they know of the other person.

Piliger

I posted in your other thread. Of course there can be good reasons.

cson

puffishoes wrote: »

If you don't have time for a relationship you don't go looking for one or if you do you make sure the person knows what they're getting into by explaining from the off your expectations. e.g. "f*ck buddy's" or whatever the case maybe.

People change over the course of a relationship, circumstances change. So while everything may have been on an even keel at the start life puts a lot of decisions in front of us that may change that.

Reku

I've known both guys and girls who've had to put relationships off for study, everything from LC up to PhD, while some may feel that you'd make time, there's also the viewpoint that it the other person is serious then they'll wait until the crazy hectic period passes and then they can make a proper go of it.

After all, the reason those are hectic times for the people is that the outcome can affect the rest of your life, if someone expects you to risk that for them then they don't really have your best interests in mind and you have to ask whether they genuinely care about you.

newport2

The last time I asked a girl out she said she was too busy for a releationship.

I persisted and we're now married.

She has since admitted the excuse was BS, she had just started a 2 year course which was full of men and figured if she started dating me it was like taking sand to a beach.

IMO, it's an excuse for letting someone down gently. If anything, women would do this more than men, or at least as much. So OP, I think you could just ask your original question to yourself about women and then apply the result to men. We all do it. Never nice to have to say to someone's face "I'm not interested in you", particularly if you know them well.

puffishoes

strobe wrote: »

Horse shit.

Yeah?

you should read PI more often

Or have a chat with female friends, have a listen to break excuses that were given by men. It's very rare for a man to do honesty when given "excuses" at the breakup. why do you think "it's me not you" became a cliche? because one person in a blue moon used it?

puffishoes

cson wrote: »

People change over the course of a relationship, circumstances change. So while everything may have been on an even keel at the start life puts a lot of decisions in front of us that may change that.

That doesn't change the fact about the level of honesty that should be given at the time of the "change"

newport2

puffishoes wrote: »

Yeah?

you should read PI more often

Or have a chat with female friends, have a listen to break excuses that were given by men. It's very rare for a man to do honesty when given "excuses" at the breakup. why do you think "it's me not you" became a cliche? because one person in a blue moon used it?

In fairness, this applies to women as much as men. "It's me not you" became a cliche because so many people, male and female, use it as a cop out. Implying that women don't use these sort of break excuses too is just not true.

newport2

puffishoes wrote: »

That doesn't change the fact about the level of honesty that should be given at the time of the "change"

Where do you draw the line though? Do women want to hear the likes of

"I'm breaking up with you because I don't find you attractive any more. You used to be sexy but now pffft, you just don't do it for me." ?

I don't think so. Getting dumped is enough of an ego blow without all that too. Generally people break up because the person initiating the breakup has lost interest, not one specific reason.

hobochris

puffishoes wrote: »

the majority of men will say just about anything and use any excuse in order to get out of the situation with the least amount of hassle.

be it, it's you it's not me. you're too good for me blah blah blah blah.

If you don't have time for a relationship you don't go looking for one or if you do you make sure the person knows what they're getting into by explaining from the off your expectations. e.g. "f*ck buddy's" or whatever the case maybe.

I love generalisations...:rolleyes:

Dravokivich

puffishoes wrote: »

Yeah?

you should read PI more often

Or have a chat with female friends, have a listen to break excuses that were given by men. It's very rare for a man to do honesty when given "excuses" at the breakup. why do you think "it's me not you" became a cliche? because one person in a blue moon used it?

PI isn't there for entertainment or expanding our own viewpoints. It's for offering support to people in an Anon environment who could do with some advice or alternate viewpoints to consider.

Using it for any more than that clouds it's purpose as some of the responses can be bias at times.

I honestly think it's lame to base a thread here on such circumstances also. We are being asked to anwser for all men, about something anyone is capable of doing.

puffishoes

newport2 wrote: »

In fairness, this applies to women as much as men. "It's me not you" became a cliche because so many people, male and female, use it as a cop out. Implying that women don't use these sort of break excuses too is just not true.

You're right, lame excuses are rolled out by both sides, I think behind is good meaning. no one wants to stand there and twist a sword into someone they love/loved's heart. so we do it gently or most do IMO

puffishoes

Dravokivich wrote: »

PI isn't there for entertainment or expanding our own viewpoints. It's for offering support to people in an Anon environment who could do with some advice or alternate viewpoints to consider.

As is dear Deidre but people read it as a form of entertainment.

puffishoes

newport2 wrote: »

Where do you draw the line though? Do women want to hear the likes of

"I'm breaking up with you because I don't find you attractive any more. You used to be sexy but now pffft, you just don't do it for me." ?

I don't think so. Getting dumped is enough of an ego blow without all that too. Generally people break up because the person initiating the breakup has lost interest, not one specific reason.

sorry that post was directly been up front early on about what you're looking for.

e.g. if you're busy, that you just want sexeh times now and again etc etc. setting the expectations early.

puffishoes

hobochris wrote: »

I love generalisations...:rolleyes:

and i love good well thought out retorts to posts.

life is so disappointing. :mad:

Ash.J.Williams

If you're getting dunmped you are getting dumped...not much point in looking into the reasons, it's just another of saying the same thing.

G-Money

It could be a legit reason, or it could be some variety of "I'm not that interested in you". I think that's a way of being let down easy, even though most people probably see through it. Although for all the "be honest to my face" b*****s, who on earth wants to hear someone tell them to their face "I'm not interested in you" ?

In my head, once they're non-interested, I don't really want to be around them anymore.

I got that line thrown at me by a girl I met recently from online dating. We got on well and the date went well. She seemed interested then cooled off after a few days. She gave me the whole "I'm going to be busy at work for the next few weeks so we probably shouldn't arrange to meet up again" line. I just took that to mean "I'm not interested/ and/or I'm after/with someone else".

I wasn't that bothered really, I just figured it gives me the chance to meet someone I like better. I just hope that comes true!

The Corinthian

I don't know; sometimes the "it's not you, it's me" line is true. Consider someone is in a long term relationship and breaks up. Eventually they start dating again, either because they're pressured into it by others or because they mistakenly believe they're over the last relationship. Then they start dating and realize they're not ready yet to jump back in.

Ultimately, the reason such excuses are given by those seeking to cover up their real reasons, is because they do actually happen in reality too.

Who, over the age of 25, can truly say that they have not actually come out with a "it's not you, it's me" or "I don't have time for a relationship" line at least once in their past and it actually was true?

Very few, I'd imagine. Or unemployed.

puffishoes

The Corinthian wrote: »

I don't know; sometimes the "it's not you, it's me" line is true. Consider someone is in a long term relationship and breaks up. Eventually they start dating again, either because they're pressured into it by others or because they mistakenly believe they're over the last relationship. Then they start dating and realize they're not ready yet to jump back in.

Ultimately, the reason such excuses are given by those seeking to cover up their real reasons, is because they do actually happen in reality too.

Who, over the age of 25, can truly say that they have not actually come out with a "it's not you, it's me" or "I don't have time for a relationship" line at least once in their past and it actually was true?

Very few, I'd imagine. Or unemployed.

regardless of what the reason it's always it's me not you.

you maybe a boring sack of potatoes in bed.

but it's ME that doesn't like it.

so regardless of the why it's always me not you.

the point is these things are rolled out so that the person on the receiving end doesn't get anymore hurt than is needed.

you put on 2 stone and i'm getting a stiff one for your sister's BFF is not going to go down well, and you may end up physically less well off than before the words came out.

so "it's not you it's me" which is perfectly vald in this case but is still horse **** but it stop's flying cups.

The Corinthian

I don't think you really understand what I wrote.

If the reason, for example, is because you're still getting over a break up and are not ready to deal with a new relationship, then it really is about you and not the person you're saying this to.

There's nothing wrong with them at all, and under different circumstances (such as a few months time), you wouldn't be saying this to them.

Ah_Yeah

I've used that reason, and I've had that reason used on me too. Sometimes it was the truth, other times it was a gentle way of letting them/me down. I think you get a feel for the person who is telling you, whether they're being honest or not.

Regardless of whether it's the truth or not, I don't bother reading into it. Either way, they're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and at the end of the day, that's the only answer that matters to me. I don't care why, just whether or not they want something.