Should ex be part of wedding?

LegacyUser

My fiancé and I are currently planning our wedding which is booked for June next year. We are deciding on ceremony music and things like that at the moment. He is still close friends with an ex of his (they were not long-term or serious but still an ex). I am also on friendly terms with her through him and there was never a question of her not being invited to our wedding but she also is a musician who performs at weddings as a side line.

My fiancé has suggested that we ask his ex to perform the music for the ceremony. She is very good and has offered her services as a present which would save us a few quid too. She would be happy to do it as it would save her buying us a present and she would be there anyway. In theory it works all around except I cannot seem to get rid of the uncomfortable gut feeling that it’s not right to have an ex involved in our wedding.

I absolutely don’t mind her being there as a guest especially since it’s a fairly big wedding but I don’t like the idea of her being a part and people who know her knowing that she’s an ex and people who don’t know her may be asking where we found her or speaking to her later and it’s revealed that she’s an ex.

Am I being childish or paranoid or is it not quite right?

daisybelle2008

paranoidornot wrote: »

My fiancé and I are currently planning our wedding which is booked for June next year. We are deciding on ceremony music and things like that at the moment. He is still close friends with an ex of his (they were not long-term or serious but still an ex). I am also on friendly terms with her through him and there was never a question of her not being invited to our wedding but she also is a musician who performs at weddings as a side line.

My fiancé has suggested that we ask his ex to perform the music for the ceremony. She is very good and has offered her services as a present which would save us a few quid too. She would be happy to do it as it would save her buying us a present and she would be there anyway. In theory it works all around except I cannot seem to get rid of the uncomfortable gut feeling that it’s 'not right' to have an ex involved in our wedding.

I absolutely don’t mind her being there as a guest especially since it’s a fairly big wedding but I don’t like the idea of her being a part and people who know her knowing that she’s an ex and people who don’t know her may be asking where we found her or speaking to her later and it’s revealed that she’s an ex.

Am I being childish or paranoid or is it not quite right?

Who is to say what is 'right' or not. You were very positive about the benefits of having her involved, until you start speculating about what 'other people' will think. Who cares what other people think, you shouldn't plan what happens in your wedding around the negative views of narrow minded busy bodies? To be honest I am not sure why you think it is such a problem if people knew she was an ex.
So what if it is 'revealed' she is an ex, that could be 'revealed' whether she is doing the music of not. I think it is wonderful that you and your fiancee are mature and on good terms with this lady and really cool that she is willing to do it as a present. She is clearly not a threat to your relationship so who cares what small minded peoples opinion is. I think most people would consider it very cool and civilised that you are all on good terms and she is doing your music.
Have a great day and do it they way ye like not anyone else.

saa

Yeah forget about others knowing, let her go but don't let her do the music!
Don't make it about her just find an alternative for the music and put the spin on how much you want that kind of act no offense intended, if you have that uncomfortable gut feeling now it wouldnt be a good idea, lets face it, its an ex there is baggage, its weird and awkward it would be a lot easier just to find someone else so you dont need to even worry about that. I know logically there is nothing to worry about but its not what you want, you're not being childish you just don't feel comfortable with an ex being part of the ceremony that is fair enough without being paranoid.

thefeatheredcat

When you factor out of the equation that she's an ex, people will see a guest who know the couple and is also the musician providing a service as a gift.

OK people may ask how she is connected, but really is that anyone's business?

The only thing that matters is you both are happy to have her there, both as a guest and as a musician and are on good terms with her. If anything that shows maturity that you can look past the she's an ex issue and see the value of her as a friend to you both... you could choose to down play her being an ex but to be honest I don't see the sense in that; it was a short relationship, you're all on good terms with eachother, it's not like any of you have anything to hide like some stressful story of malice from her.

I really don't think you should worry too much about what others will think, if you're all happy then really the only issue would be what people they themselves would think of the situation, if it is negative, then that's an issue that they have with themselves, not you, your fiancee or your friend the musician.

Moonbeam

I do not see what the issue is ?
We will both have exes that we are friends with at our wedding.

Ickle Magoo

Tbh OP, I think (hope!) most would view the fact you have such a solid relationship and are secure enough in yourselves that ex's can be a part of your wedding day as a positive.

All the best. :cool:

P. Breathnach

Okay, you are happy having her there as a friend - primarily your fiancé's friend, but somebody that you are also on friendly terms with. It also seems that as an ex, it's not a big deal: a short-term and not very serious involvement. So concentrate on her "friend" status, and not her "ex" status.

I really don't think there should be a problem with her doing the music. You seem to think she is well capable. While performing the music is an important role, it's a support role, and does not put her in the middle of things. And it's not as if you imagine her thinking "that could/should have been me marrying him.".

Those people who know that she is an ex must also know that she is now a friend; those who don't know can be told the more important truth: that she is an old friend of your fiancé.

Have a great day, with a great life together to follow. Don't spoil things by letting niggling little thoughts grow into problems; swat them away.

Nody

I've been to my ex's wedding and vice versa; being an ex and still being friends is not something odd or something to be ashamed about.

Esoteric_

I don't really see an issue with her doing the music.

My ex is a fantastic musician, and if/when I get married, I'd be happy to have him do the music for me.

Think of it this way - you say you're uncomfortable with her doing the music, presumably in case questions are asked. But surely the fact that his ex is willing to do the music as a gift is proof that she is fully supportive of your wedding, and the fact that they are exes has nothing to do with your relationship?

saa

Everyones using logic here but tbh the usual answer for these wedding issues is that its your (and your partners day but he doesnt mind either way unless its a money issue) day do what feels right for you.

Acoshla

I'd love if my ex was able to sing at my wedding because he's brilliant, unfortunately he's "not allowed" to hang out with me or play for any event I have :rolleyes: Apparently even if it's my wedding to someone else he still can't do it and take the money, if you're both happy for her to do it then why not, who cares what anyone else says, although I doubt most people would have any problem with it.

Katgurl

sorry i'm going to disagree with other posters here. its great that you're mature, like this girl & happy for her to be at your wedding.

But its your wedding day. so if you don't want her doing the music, don't let her. you are only human and perhaps you don't want her getting so much recognition / attention.

So thank her for the very generous offer but say you've decided to go wiht somebody else.

Congrats btw & have a great day.

ash23

The question is OP, if you are sitting in the middle of your ceremony and she steps up to sing, how will you feel? Just picture the actual moment.
If it makes you feel anything negative then I'd say no, don't do it.
If it won't bother you then go for it.

Personally I wouldn't mind having an ex at my wedding as a guest but I don't know if I'd want to be looking at them on the alter the whole way through the ceremony......

The Big Red Button

It's not something that would bother me personally, in fact I'd be delighted with the offer.

Sure if I ever got married, I've always said that, instead of having bridesmaids, my best male friend would be my "dude-of-honour" - he also happens to be someone I went out with a few times in the past. If a boyfriend had a problem with my relationship with him (or any other exes), I would think it would surface long before the wedding.

If you feel uncomfortable, on a personal level, about her being involved, then that's fair enough. But it sounds like you're only concerned about what others will think.

Imagine if you were a guest at a wedding in these circumstances. Would you think any less of the bride, groom, or the groom's ex - and, if so, why? Personally I'd think it was lovely that everyone involved moved on happily with their lives, with no bad feelings.

It's your wedding, if it's something that's going to be niggling away in the back of your mind, then turn down her offer. I think it would be an awful pity to do so, though.

blatantrereg

Quentin Tarantino insists on selecting existing songs for the soundtracks for his movies. He would never have a composer create an OST because he would hate to give up that element of creative control.

Maybe your feelings are analogous to this. You feel like you would be compromising ownership of your wedding by having her take control of the music. The fact she is an ex arouses some sort of territorial instinct. If that's it then politely decline and explain you would rather select the music yourslef and would feel odd about someone you knew doing it. Personally I'd be happy for exes-who-are-friends to be guests, but I might balk a little at the idea of them being part of the proceedings myself too.

If it is just concern about what other people might think that is bothering you, then disregard that and accept the offer.

Lorna123

I have to agree with Katgurl. This is your wedding OP and whatever you want goes. If you don't feel comfortable with this arrangment then don't agree to it. I would not like it either I have to say. The decision is ultimately yours, nobody else's. If she started to play at my wedding it would be like telling me "I had him before you, ne ne ne ne ne".

P. Breathnach

It's OP's fiancé's wedding also, and he seems okay with this friend doing the music. I presume that he does not think that it is an in-your-face thing because everybody is on friendly terms.

OP, I declare a bias: I have little time for the idea of a wedding being all about the bride. It's about the groom, too, and it's a social event involving all the invitees. If her doing the music is a small problem in your mind, then I think you should get over it on the basis that there are more important things to be worrying about; if it's a big problem in your mind, then you should think about what bothers you about it before making a decision.

Lorna123

P. Breathnach wrote: »

It's OP's fiancé's wedding also, and he seems okay with this friend doing the music. I presume that he does not think that it is an in-your-face thing because everybody is on friendly terms.

OP, I declare a bias: I have little time for the idea of a wedding being all about the bride. It's about the groom, too, and it's a social event involving all the invitees. If her doing the music is a small problem in your mind, then I think you should get over it on the basis that there are more important things to be worrying about; if it's a big problem in your mind, then you should think about what bothers you about it before making a decision.

In fairness it is a bit different having your ex playing the music to having your partner's ex doing it.

Delancey

I have to say that I'm going against the concensus here when I say that I consider it inappropriate for ' ex's ' to attend weddings , yes I know it sounds or seems very cool but I just think it's tacky and while some people may be fine about it others may be more than a little uncomfortable.

I'd never do it but maybe I'm the odd one here :rolleyes:

Mighty_Mouse

I'm sorry. I can't understand this at all.
It's clear the ex & bf were not in a serious relationship and have maintained a long-term friendship since. So now he can't bring a mate to his own wedding, or accept the gift of music as a wedding present?

What's the problem here, really?
The OP is afraid of a conversation whereby people say "they went out years ago". Surely that can't be it?

Op, is this an insecurity issue?
Do you feel that you compare badly to her and do not wish to feel like you are being compared on your wedding day?

Mighty_Mouse

just think it's tacky

In what way do you believe it to be tacky?

others may be more than a little uncomfortable

What others?
Members of the familys or extended wedding group?
Why would they care?

LegacyUser

OP My Aunt got remarried last year and not only was her ex-husband there he hosted a wonderful gathering in his house after the ceremony for the couple [they had the main meal/party a week later due to dates not matching up] Not one family member or friend from either side said anything about it. Maybe a few thought it wasn't right but they certainly didn't say anything to the couple about it cus at the end of the day it was there choice. They were 3 grown ups who were able to deal with things like adults.

This woman is offering a nice gift, you said yourself she'd have been invited as a guest. Your not being asked to make her a bridesmaid or anything. You just need to tell her when and where for her to show up and play. Now it is your [by your and I mean you and your OH] wedding and your choice what you want to do but I wouldn't refuse her gift just cus you think some others might think its not on....do you really care that much about others opinions?

Bride2012

Forget about other people's opinions, weddings are a lot less stressful this way.

Just picture your ceremony, while walking up the aisle, will the fact that this woman is playing the music, effect or alter how you feel or distract you? Same while lighting candles, sitting there, exchanging rings or any other aspect of the ceremony.

Is the answer is yes then politely say no but if not then gratefully accept.