boyfriend is worried about family

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is the type of person to take everyone else’s problems onto his shoulders. Friends, family, etc. He even admitted that he is sometimes more bothered about the problem than the people who it’s happening too. Anyway, this isn’t the case here but that’s just to explain the type of person he is.

On Saturday he found out his grandfather, who he regards as a father, has cancer. He really admires the man and I can feel his worry and his pain. Yesterday, I made a mistake of making something about me and he got annoyed saying he had a lot of things on his mind and that he couldn’t deal with me. I felt and still feel horrible and apologised a thousand times. I don’t realise sometimes when I’m being selfish. He said he didn’t want to talk about it, which I can and can’t understand. When I’m hurting, I need to talk about my problems, so find it difficult to understand when people just bottle it up. I text him this morning saying again that I was sorry for yesterday and that I’m here if he needs to talk, rant, hug or anything, but he hasn’t replied. Now I understand that he is hurting and that he probably wants space, but don’t you think it’s a bit rude for him to not reply at all? To even say thanks? Or am I blowing things out of proportion again?

Do I come across as really selfish? Because it disgusts me to think I am, but as I mentioned above, sometimes I just don't realise I'm being that way

Magicmatilda

I would consider it a bit rude of him not to respond but then again he could be very busy this morning or anything. That said even if you did make something about you that is not necessarily reason for him to get annoyed. He could just tell you that he thinks your are acting selfishly. What did you make about you? I think more detail on that would help to understand the situation.

LegacyUser

I hadn't talked to him for a few days n I contacted him yesterday. We were talking and I told him I missed him even though it had only been a few days since we'd talked. He then ignored that I'd said that and went on to carry on the conversation. I replied saying "ok so you didn't miss me" and he said "is that what i said?" n I replied saying "it's what you don't say that says it all" and that's when he said that he had a lot on his mind and that he couldn't deal with this. I know it was my insecurites talking, and the fact that I forgot about his grandfather (he'd told me last week) makes me feel even worse. But it was an honest mistake, and I tried calling him to say sorry n ask him how his grandfather was, but he just kept hanging up on me.

AnonoBoy

He just found out that the man he looks to as a father has cancer. If he's quite elderly that may well mean death.

When someone gets news like that the general niceities of replying to texts promptly tend to go out the window for a while.

Let him get to grips with the news and most certainly don't make a big deal about him not getting back to you quickly.

He probably shouldn't have snapped at you but stress makes people act in ways they shouldn't.

Give him time and patience I'd say.

Magicmatilda

It doesn't sound as though you were overly selfish however you do come accross as quite insecure. Even the fact that you are posting asking if you are selfish or not. So maybe that is something you could look at. Also the dynamic of you calling and him hanging up several times is very unhealthy (you may have only called once but it read as though you called a few times ). Either way I suggest you leave him be. If he wants to be in touch he will be. He sounds like he owes you an apology for all the hanging up. I understand that is grandfather is unwell but that does not give him carte Blanche to treat you poorly. Does he often act like this or is this out of character? If it's never happened before then fair enough it could be put down to the illness of his grandfather. However if it's a regular occurrence then it's Obviousely just how he is.

Ickle Magoo

It's hard to make any specific comment without knowing your ages and how long you've been going out.

In general tho - people can have a very tough time processing grief and stress and some people do it better/can only do that on their own. Sometimes in a relationship you need to put your partner and their needs above any of your own and give them the space and freedom to deal with whatever issue is affecting them without the added stress and hassle of having to keep a partner happy.

He sounds to me like he's trying to give himself room to breathe and process the news about his grandfather and you aren't giving him peace to do that. He knows where you are, I'd suggest you take a step back and let him be for the moment; perhaps acknowledge you, your conscience and some daft apology isn't what should be taking priority here.

All the best.

Piliger

Hi OP. Give the lad some space. Let him contact you when he feels ready.