How to vcope

Lexicographer

After 24 years of marriage, found out my husband was having an affair, he was my best friend and the most honourable person I knew. Now I'm trying to find the balance between letting him have a good relationship with our children and not still being treated like a fool. I am the one that is suffering, but have to hide it for children's sake. How do others keep sane, it is eight months on and I don't seem to be handling it any better.

Taltos

OP - moving your thread to RI as the Separation and Divorce forum is more for help on S&D, which is not apparent to me from your post.

Hope this is OK for you.
Taltos

daisybelle2008

Lexicographer wrote: »

After 24 years of marriage, found out my husband was having an affair, he was my best friend and the most honourable person I knew. Now I'm trying to find the balance between letting him have a good relationship with our children and not still being treated like a fool. I am the one that is suffering, but have to hide it for children's sake. How do others keep sane, it is eight months on and I don't seem to be handling it any better.

Are you still in a relationship with him or not? Either way it is not fair on you to feel like you are suffering and having to mask your feelings.
It appears from your post that you feel like you have to suppress your emotions, sweeping everything under the carpet is not a solution if you have not been able to come to terms with this.
There has been awful lot for you to deal with, please consider counselling. You need to express your feelings and come to terms with what has happened. The betrayal you feel, the lack of trust and communication.
Don't put yourself second to everyone else, that is not to say you need to involve your children, but it does mean that you deserve to have professional help and support getting through this massive upheaval in your life. You don't deserve to be paying the price for what happened.

Lexicographer

Not still in a relationship, he left the day I found out, he was never planning on telling me. He is now living with her. I was worried about him and had been trying to get him to go to a doctor. Feel very betrayed and an idiot for not spotting what was going on.

Lexicographer

Have tried two different counsellors and to be honest i was suicidal after them both, as they say, there is no solution. Was on anti depressants and sleeping tablets but they made me worse, so off them now.

Magicmatilda

Firstly I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you. You are right there is no solution to him leaving you. There are however lots Of things you can do to help yourself. You gave gad a massive shock. Do not underestimate the effects of that. Shock has both a physical and emotional impact and can last for months. You don't say what ages your kids are but if you were married 24 years I imagine they are late teens, early twenties. At that age there is no need for you to be involved in their relationship with their dad. If he wants contact he can contact them directly. Equally you should not pretend that you are no devastated and heartbroken. If you are then express it. Hiding this is helping no one, certainly not your children. When people are hiding their feelings it's usually pretty obvious. I imagine you are hurt, angry, sad, lonely and depressed. All natural reactions to what has happened. Have you spoken to friends and family about it? Is there anyone you can talk to? Incidentally off counselling to help you need to give it a few sessions, perhaps you did but if not maybe you should try again.

daisybelle2008

Lexicographer wrote: »

Have tried two different counsellors and to be honest i was suicidal after them both, as they say, there is no solution. Was on anti depressants and sleeping tablets but they made me worse, so off them now.

So, counselling made you feel suicidal and you have found no relief in medication? What do you think yourself would help, have you any thoughts on that? Time really is the only other healer I can think of, but any type of support should be availed of, like friends or family.
As you say there is no solution and what is done is done, maybe it was a bit too soon for counselling for you and everything was too raw. Don't close the door on it though, maybe you just didn't find the right counsellor. It really sounds like you need some support dealing with this. You don't deserve to feel so bad, this was not your fault, do whatever you can to move on, I know that is easier said than done, but it will get better.

username123

You poor thing, its a massive betrayal.

What form does your relationship take with him now? Personally I wouldnt ever want to see or speak to the person again, as I would have lost all respect for them, and Id be so hurt and angry that having to communicate with them at all would be counter productive. To that end, maybe having a go between would help? A friend who was hurt in the same way did that, her sisters husband (who was neutral) came by for children handovers for a while and that helped that she didnt have to see her ex husband.

The only real solution here is, hard as its going to be, to accept that you did nothing wrong, you are not an idiot, and try to regain some of your self confidence and self esteem. What about exercise? Are you getting plenty? Its a good stress buster. Time of course is a great healer. What are you doing in your life for YOU? You need some feel good time, be it exercise, pampering, a hobby or whatever. Keep busy, but busy doing positive stuff, its too easy to keep busy moping, dont do that.

Lexicographer

He said some very cruel things and that has knocked my confidence, I got a dog and bring him for lots of walks. He insists he has a legal right to come into the house, and I know he does, but it wrecks my head, I was doing better but this weekend he used a few cruel words that knocked me back again. I don't recognise him as the same man anymore, but I suppose I must have had my head in the clouds. I'm trying to keep positive and do things, looking for work takes up a lot of time, but no luck there. Thanks for your support, it helps.

Ickle Magoo

I think you need to get yourself some legal advice to see what your options are here. Having no privacy or peace to get over what he's done isn't fair on you at all and I think at the very least you need to have that in order to get over the shock, process the massive changes that are coming and start to move forward.

Unfortunately people don't need to have many qualifications to be able to call themselves counsellor here - but there's a good link on how to choose the best service for your needs HERE and some other useful links/support agencies HERE.

I think the other thing you need to do to start getting closure is sit down your kids and family and let them know what's gone on and ask for their support. It's hard enough to come to terms with the end of 24 yrs of marriage, never mind in those awful circumstances and on your own. You've done nothing wrong here - you shouldn't be the one having to carry the can alone.

All the very best, OP

Piliger

Hi OP. I am really sorry this has happened. I am 50+ and divorced.

There are a million things I could say but others will say them better.

What would say to you is this. Please don't get sucked into the vicious circle of bitterness and hate against him. It may be justified, it may be not. But it will only consume YOU. It won't hurt HIM. You are not an idiot for not knowing. It happens all the time in life unfortunately. People change, their needs change. They make crazy and sometimes stupid and sometimes selfish choices.

Also please don't speak bitterly about him to or in front of the children. Please. Again you may feel justified to do so, but it will only compound the trauma being suffered by your children and won't achieve anything. Show your love for them by shielding them from this and you will appreciate the value of what you are doing in years to come. I know what I am saying is very very hard. But it is important.

I am not giving legal advice here but he has abandoned the family home and you are entitled to change the locks. You can check that with a call to any family solicitor who will happily offer brief emergency advice on the phone.

Get a family solicitor today.

username123

Lexicographer wrote: »

He said some very cruel things and that has knocked my confidence, I got a dog and bring him for lots of walks. He insists he has a legal right to come into the house, and I know he does, but it wrecks my head, I was doing better but this weekend he used a few cruel words that knocked me back again. I don't recognise him as the same man anymore, but I suppose I must have had my head in the clouds. I'm trying to keep positive and do things, looking for work takes up a lot of time, but no luck there. Thanks for your support, it helps.

I dont think that you must have had your head in the clouds. Sometimes when a person does a really terrible thing, like he has done to you, the only way that person can deal with the horribleness of themselves is to project it back at you, to sort of justify to themselves that they werent really THAT horrible, because if they can convince themselves that the cruel things they say about you are true, then it justifies their own behaviour. The really important thing to remember here is this - its NOT a reflection of you. Its a reflection of them.

Thats good about the dog. The walks are good exercise, and sure a good dog is a great stress reliever in itself, between the petting and the cleaning up and the feeding etc they keep you busy. Theyre good pals too.

Have you had legal advice? I think its important to sort out the legals with respect to the family home and all of that because it allows some measure of closure and it stops him from just walking in on you when he feels like it.

As opposed to one on one counselling, have you tried any kind of support group? Sometimes talking to people who are going through or have gone through the same situation can help?

Really though, brass tacks time - you have had a horrible dreadful cruel betrayal, and it takes time to get over something like that. In loads of ways its like mourning. You almost have to wallow in and embrace the awful feelings to get over them.

The good news is, it does pass. And you come out ok the other end. But its very hard for a while. You are doing all the right things, I think if you could get legal stuff sorted, minimise contact etc that things will be better for you.

Lexicographer

thanks for the support. Just having a really bad day, am waiting for free legal aid, told takes about nine months. It felt good to be able to talk to someone.