bf no kids...me 3 kids

fecalfeliac

So, bf and I have been an item for a year now. its a long distance thing, he is 2.5 hrs away. He has been at my house every wknd for a year now. he has no kids and I've got my 3. he is great with them and tells me often in many ways he doesnt care. I can't believe it, and sometimes makes me feel like the relationship will be strained if we decide to move in. with the kids that is a huge step. we have discussed it but not in great detail. I was married for 10 years to unfaithful man and stayed much longer than i should have. i know i love this man. i want to move forward but im afraid he doesnt know what he'd be getting into. it makes me insecure. Any thoughts

nowyouresix

You could be me.....although I've not had the courage to allow myself even get in to a relationship, for fear, for prejudging what the guy actually wants, in order to protect my children from another relationship breakdown....
He seems like he really cares about you, and I'm guessing that he has a good idea of what he's getting in to.
It's almost as if you're wishing happiness away.... I know I do that on occasion...I have even gone so far as to tell a guy that I'm not what he was looking for, and told him to find someone who could give him his own family-which I can't! And for what....so that resentment wouldn't set in down the line....so my kids wouldn't get attached/upset... but nothing just for me.
So if I can say one thing.... there's a stage where your kids will have grown up and flown the coop. Do you want this man to be at your side then? If you do, then tell him that you're scared, share it with him in a non-needy or bunnyboiler fashion!

Best of luck xx

The Princess Bride

fecalfeliac wrote: »

he is great with them and tells me often in many ways he doesnt care.
I can't believe it, and sometimes makes me feel like the relationship will be strained if we decide to move in.
with the kids that is a huge step. we have discussed it but not in great detail.

Op-this ^^ is not very clear-
is it that he doesn't care that you have children, or that he doesn't care for the children?

Firstly-you need to discuss with him where your relationship is going.
Then discuss your future relationship(if you both want this)- in great detail- with the children.
Obviously,they are your primary concern-not him/his.

There is a huge difference between being "great with" someone else's children at weekends,and being there 24/7.

Good luck!

fecalfeliac

Ok, so to clear it up...he cares much for the kids. he is very good with them and tolerates them almost as if they were his own. i adore it of him especially since he has none. we have only lightly discussed the next step, he is a quiet shy guy and i am too. i think we are both cautious about where things are going because of past failure in relationships....i do feel i wish away happiness because i can't stand the thought of him unhappy. And i don't want a broken heart nor do i want to see kids have to do.that either. i just have a hard time excepting that he may be happy with us in the long run despite what he says now.

fecalfeliac

Kudos to you. everything you said was good stuff. it sucks that even though i married very young....i still thought i wanted that man by my side. took 5 years to realize i didn't and another 5 to leave. i really still fear the unknown who's to say that won't happen again. granted i now know exactly what i don't want, and this guy is everything i could ever dream of yet i have guilt having him. He deserves his family. As adamant as he is about his love for me and just wanting to be together its still terrifying. i realize we need.to discuss it all but i feel like we won't know how it drives till we take it off the lot. feel like im stuck in a way. my friend said we either need to crap or get off the pot.

AnonoBoy

Sounds like you have a good man who's good with your kids.

He's given you no reason to doubt that he doesn't care you already have kids.

Don't second guess everything, you'll drive yourself insane.

Instead enjoy it.

fecalfeliac

Good advise. i will do my best. Its hard getting used to how awesome he is, and for the first time in a relationship i honestly want the best for him. can't help second guessing.

Taltos

fecalfeliac wrote: »

he cares much for the kids. he is very good with them and tolerates them almost as if they were his own.

OP - which is it?
Cares for them as his own
or
Tolerates them

Two very different things here and to be honest if the 2nd I would be more than worried. Children are only tolerated by people who cannot stand or did not want them and invariably they pick up on this and can be influenced by the negative impact of such an outlook.

The Big Red Button

Taltos wrote: »

fecalfeliac wrote: »

he cares much for the kids. he is very good with them and tolerates them almost as if they were his own.

OP - which is it?
Cares for them as his own
or
Tolerates them

Two very different things here and to be honest if the 2nd I would be more than worried. Children are only tolerated by people who cannot stand or did not want them and invariably they pick up on this and can be influenced by the negative impact of such an outlook.

Exactly.

You have a responsibility to your kids ... if you're going to bring someone into their lives full-time who will essentially be somewhat of a "father figure" to them, then, in my opinion, "not caring"that you have kids, or simply "tolerating" them, just isn't enough.

fecalfeliac

Lol excuse my humor. my kids are 5,9,and 10. i work full time and am currently about to attend school. i work hard to make sure they're happy and healthy kids. i say tolerate lightly. as honestly at the end of a long day im doing well to 'tolerate' them at times. being a single mom isn't for the faint. i love them with everything I've got and they are my boss for the most part and have become very fond of bf as well.

fecalfeliac

When i say he doesn't care i simply mean that the idea of being involved with someone that will potentially make him an instant father makes no difference to him. i am afraid he may be biting off more than he can chew. as far as my responsibility to kids go...if they didn't approve he'd not even be a part of my life