Potentially paedophilic facebook friend?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Right, not really a personal issue as such, but I'd rather not have my name attached to this post as it could be a little damaging (and this would be the most suitable forum I can think of, and it allows anonymous posting, so...)


Anyway, I do a job that deals with the public, ranging from newborn babies to old age pensioners.

Part of my job involves me using Facebook to promote the work that I do. Therefore, I have many friends on Facebook that I don't know at all in reality. One of them was asking me before about a young child I worked with (child was less than a year old at the time). Child was related to me and so the person was asking questions about the child, I figured maybe the person thought he knew me and was trying to figure out where from or such (the amount of people I meet who want to know my family tree so they can figure out who I'm related to, etc. etc. is astounding).


Anyway, conversation kept turning back to the baby, which was a little strange, so I figured I'd leave it there and not respond to him at all (though he kept trying to start messages for weeks, despite getting no reply).


I recently had more work involving babies and this guy returns again, this time by text message to my phone (now my phone number isn't a secret, it's all over my Facebook/website, etc. so it's not necessarily strange for someone to contact me that way).


Anyway he came out of the blue and I'd no idea who the number was so I asked him and he gave his first name (his full name is on facebook). He started asking me about the babies again and I put two and two together and checked his facebook page to see if his number was on there (and yep, it's the same person).


So I was involved with some back and forth texting (just wanted to try and pull a conversation out of him or see if he said anything untoward), but I'm wondering what the next best move is, here? Obviously he has only been strangely complimentary about children (asked if I'd ever changed a child before, when was the last time, etc. - bit odd) but he hasn't actually said or done anything that would have or involve any legal repercussions at all, so I'm not fully sure what the best way is to deal with this.

On one hand, he could just be the nicest guy in the world, and I'm just being a prick by thinking this. On the other, he could be... you know... so I don't really want to just ignore it/him, either.

Anyone got any advice on this at all?

Maple

OK folks, I understand that this is a particularly emotive topic, so please keep all responses constructive and civil. Anyone disregarding this warning will be infracted and/or banned.

Maple

Ellsbells

Would it be possible he wants kids/ is having a kid / is a new dad?

You need to bear in mind that he could just be a bit of an oddball. There's quite a few around my area that seem quite scary/sinister/creepy at first glance but if you give them a while you realise they're just missing a few (or quite a few) shillings and really they mean well. So god love him it would be terrible if he was just a bid odd and you went to anyone about it.

However, with children's safety involved, as you said, you can't just ignore it. If I were you, I'd go to his facebook profile and check out the general profile of friend he tends to add. If it's mainly family, people his own age etc. then I'd leave it. If there are people far younger than him, or teenagers, and not many what would seem to be personal friends, then I'd worry and report him on the site.

daisybelle2008

OP tell this guy in no uncertain terms that you find his questions inappropriate. What interest does a grown man have in whether you have changed a baby or not? Don't be afraid to tell him how uncomfortable you are with him contacting you. Block him immediately and tell him why (innapropriate questions regarding children). Of course he could be entirely innocent or a harmless oddball, but either way he needs to be told that his behaviour is unacceptable to you and making you feel uncomfortable (and most people I imagine).

Trust your gut. I honestly don't know why this guy would be bombarding you with messages for weeks on the same subject and asking such a question to a strangers mobile.

Merkin

This is a tough one because on one hand he just could be a nutjob crank who wants to involve YOU in conversation but on the other hand his line of questioning is strange and disturbing. There is not really a great deal you can do. Have you asked him why he wants to know this stuff? I think a lot of bona fide paedophiles might be a lot more covert and a lot less obvious but then you never know. Either way, until he admits something to you then there is not a huge amount you can do I reckon. Alerting the authorities is an option but I'd think very carefully about mentioning the word "paedophile" in the same breath as this man when you know very little about him and he has actually done nothing wrong bar be intrusive and creepy. If you can maybe ask him why he wants to know this stuff. If he replies with anything more untoward you can then alert the Fuzz right away but until you don't have much to go on.

P. Breathnach

OP, you have grounds to be concerned, but not enough to make a judgement that he is a paedophile. I don't think you can look the other direction - think of how you would feel if something happened later on and this person was involved.

In your place, I would unburden myself by reporting the exchanges to the appropriate authorities. They should have the expertise to make a better informed judgement than you or I might make.

I don't know who the appropriate authorities are. I have a vague recollection of the Gardaí having a special unit. That might be where to take your concerns. It would, in my opinion, be better if you could speak to somebody in such a unit rather than a non-specialist who might not give your concerns the attention I think they merit.

kjl

I am a little lost, from my understanding of a paedophile it is not somebody who is attracted to babies. What makes you think that this guy is a predator, he might just be interested in having children or thinks they are cute.

Don't take this the wrong way but I personally think its a bit weird that the first place that your mind jumps to is that the guy is a paedophile.

aidan24326

kjl wrote: »

Don't take this the wrong way but I personally think its a bit weird that the first place that your mind jumps to is that the guy is a paedophile.

I would second that. The OP is making a bit of a leap in implying that this guy could be a paedophile. There are a number of less sinister and more likely explanations.

Can't believe some people are suggesting this guy be reported to the authorities. Reported for what exactly? Nothing he's done points to him being a paedophile. The OP should simply stop engaging with him if he feels uncomfortable.

Esoteric_

kjl wrote: »

I am a little lost, from my understanding of a paedophile it is not somebody who is attracted to babies. What makes you think that this guy is a predator, he might just be interested in having children or thinks they are cute.

Don't take this the wrong way but I personally think its a bit weird that the first place that your mind jumps to is that the guy is a paedophile.

I'm not trying to start an argument here, but a paedophile is somebody attracted to pre-pubescent children. This would include toddlers and babies in some cases.

An ephebophile is attracted to teenagers.


OP, so far he has not done anything that you could report him for. As somebody said, he may just be an odd person. On the other hand, he could be completely turned on by these babies. Nobody here, yourself included, knows for sure.

For that reason, I'd suggest telling him not to text you again as you find his questions inappropriate and worrying, and then block him from your Facebook account.

LegacyUser

Hello again, all (OP again).

Right, pretty much the conversation today kept reverting back to the baby and changing the nappy (when I last changed a nappy, etc.). He was expressing an interest in why I changed the nappy (did I have a look before to see if it needed changing, etc.).

An extremely odd line of questioning, but I continued conversation with him to see if he'd say anything untoward that could substantiate any of my original thoughts.


After a short while, in a complete twist; he asked me if I was gay. I said no, but also was reassuring with him (so it seemed it was me he was interested in).

So the conversation got a bit awkward with him eventually (repeatedly) asking could we be friends. I've resorted to the conclusion that he's probably not that interested in children, but perhaps just not completely right in the head.

I'd like to assume he's somewhat harmless but his line of questioning about babies, nappies, etc. all still seems ludicrously strange to me and I can't quite figure out what to think of it, at all, if I'm honest.


I was considering running it by a Garda in the local station. Just to mention his name, incase he's been known for anything like this before or if he has a past or history at all like this (if so, it may be beneficial for them to be alerted, even though he hasn't actually committed an offence?) but I suppose the best course of action is to just leave it be and kill all communication with him, as has been suggested above?


It's a tricky situation to be in. Can't really come out a winner no matter which move I make. I assume if I call into my local Garda station and mention this to them, as they'll be in the knowledge that he hasn't actually committed an offence, if he's not at all known to them for anything, then he would never know I mentioned him to the Gardaí and the Gardaí would have no reason to do any follow-up at all on anything (in other words, I wouldn't be accidentally having a Garda call up to an innocent fellas door and accusing him of all sorts? I know that could be extremely damaging to anyone's reputation and wouldn't wish it on anyone, so as I'm sure you can imagine, it's a very delicate situation).

ted1

Generally go with your gut..

Lorna123

I would cut off all communication with him and if he doesn't go away and keeps on getting in touch then I would warn him if he doesn't go away you will contact the garda and see how that goes. He is most definitely not someone I would like to be friends with. He is obviously getting a kick out of intimidating you, so now is the time to cut him off.

thefeatheredcat

OP, I assume you're male and maybe from his perspective he finds it weird or is suspicious of you working with children?

His interest peaked with regards to the child related to you and the questions started there... asking about babies in general and asking if you were gay. Maybe he thinks a male changing babies (depending on what age he is) is bizarre and for women to do and why would men be doing that and may be just wary of a male working with children? And that the only conclusion is that you're gay and "interested" in children that kind of way?

Other than that his questioning from how you've described from your point of view sounds.... highly unusual and gives rise to be asking yourself a few questions. Maybe he is just wary of you, maybe you have every reason to be wary of him, it's a tough one.

In your line of work OP is there any sort of guidelines set down or an organisation you can approach that can offer advice on how to deal with him? I wouldn't be sure what the best course of action is even with how to deal with him other than to monitor communications you have with him and be aware of what responses you give and receive. There may be nothing to worry about, there may be something to worry about from either perspective, but if there is some assistance offered to you in guidelines or people you can contact then perhaps that is best to do so.

2nd edit: perhaps he was interested in you personally and used the neutral-ish topic of the child and changing and all that as a way to engage you personally? even to suss out you a bit, out of his own personal interest in you but is just going about it really really awkwardly? In any case I think it is best to keep all communication on a professional level and not engage with him further in any personal matters.

username123

Why dont you just take the simplest route and ASK him why he wants to know these things?

Unless its a personal friend it strikes me a strange that someone would just up and ask you if you are gay, it could just be one of these weirdly socially inappropriate people.

LegacyUser

OP IMO you cant hit the nuclear button straight away (i.e gardai etc etc)

You need to make him aware that his line of questioning is inappropriate. Tell him that, then tell him to stop.
If he escalates his behaviour OR wont stop then you have grounds to take it further

Neyite

Op, in our house we keep an eye on what is in the nappy of our son - its all about burps and farts here, because wind from either end cause him pain.

Examining the contents of a nappy is the most conclusive way of ensuring that the baby is getting sufficient nourishment and fluids. Especially in a breastfed baby - for instance, greenish stool indicates baby is only getting foremilk, (quenching thirst) but not enough hindmilk which fills him up, but if they are yellowish then he is getting the proper diet.

I look at baby's bum a lot to make sure his rash is getting better, or not getting aggravated by creams or nappy chemicals, and I do check his little bits to ensure there is no redness anywhere that might indicate soreness.

You mention that the facebook is a public role - is it healthcare related or anything that might make him think that you would have advice for him on nappy changes.

Nappies and their contents is a subject most new parents or parents to be have mentioned to them. My colleague when she heard I was pregnant told me she was glad the nappy stage was behind her. Family have said "wait until baby starts solids, nappies are really fun then:pac:" Loads of people said to my partner that they could not see him changing a nappy, or "wait till you get the explosive poo ones" etc etc. Would he have thought that it was a topic that you could chat about?

For me, the fact he is asking about your little relative makes him less likely to be a predator - I would have thought someone with a sinister interest in the child would not be so obvious in his interest. If anything, I wonder if he, in his own weird way are the one that needs watching (not saying you do, btw) and trying to suss you out on it?

I would personally reply that he seems overly interested in nappies, why? and that you will not be discussing your little relative with an internet stranger.

daisybelle2008

JustAnotherOP wrote: »

conversation kept turning back to the baby, which was a little strange, I figured I'd leave it there and not respond to him at all (though he kept trying to start messages for weeks, despite getting no reply).


(asked if I'd ever changed a child before, when was the last time, etc. - bit odd)
?

JustAnotherOP wrote: »

Hello again, all (OP again).

Right, pretty much the conversation today kept reverting back to the baby and changing the nappy (when I last changed a nappy, etc.). He was expressing an interest in why I changed the nappy (did I have a look before to see if it needed changing, etc.).


After a short while, in a complete twist; he asked me if I was gay. I said no, but also was reassuring with him (so it seemed it was me he was interested in).

So the conversation got a bit awkward with him eventually (repeatedly) asking could we be friends.

OP tell this guy where to bloody well go. People are assuming you are in healthcare and that there is some reason like that for a complete stranger to be hounding you with unsolicited messages regarding baby changing and querying your sexuality and asking to be friends???. That is totally unacceptable and weird and borderline disturbing. I think it is more likely you are a photographer or something like that and there is tenuous links at best to what he is asking you. You really need to tell this weird fecker to stop contacting you and where to go. He absolutely needs to be told that.

Suggesting he may be a 'new father' or 'a nice harmless guy' is ridiculous. He is acting completely weird and entirely inappropriate and don't be afraid to trust your gut instinct and tell him where to get off.
Jesus as a society we need to instill in people (especially children) that if someones behaviour feels weird and inappropriate to them, that they don't have to entertain it out of politeness. We don't have to let people act like inappropriate assh8les for fear of hurting their feelings.

LegacyUser

Hi Again.


I've decided to follow the course of action that has been suggested by many of you and just cut contact altogether. I believe this is probably the safest route to take as I'd probably only end up getting annoyed by him (and who needs the hassle of it).


I don't work in healthcare; I'm a photographer. When I work with children or babies, I always tend to have a parent or guardian present at the same time. This guy seen photographs of babies that I had taken and initially contacted me from there.


I'm going to chalk it up to him perhaps just being a very socially awkward person. I agree that if he were a serious paedophilic threat he probably wouldn't be asking random people online about photographs of children (with this in mind, I realise the thread title may be a little over the top, but that was my gut feeling originally, so there was no point beating around the bush).


It was just a strange situation to be in, and I felt that it was one that I couldn't just ignore incase there was anything malicious about it, but just leaving it be seems to be the best route. Thank you to everyone for your input and thoughts.

daisybelle2008

JustAnotherOP wrote: »

I'm going to chalk it up to him perhaps just being a very socially awkward person. I agree that if he were a serious paedophilic threat he probably wouldn't be asking random people online about photographs of children (with this in mind, I realise the thread title may be a little over the top, but that was my gut feeling originally, so there was no point beating around the bush).

You or anybody here is not qualfied to make that assumption. I guessed you were a photographer and that makes this even more disturbling. He was doing more than asking about photographs of children. He has acted very weird and inappropriate. I would be contacting the guards and let the people who are trained with this sort of thing to make that evaluation on this guy.

username123

The news that the OP is a photographer and not someone working in an area of healthcare does put the thread in a more disturbing light, but my first thought was someone with a mental handicap rather than paedophilic tendencies.

Tbh, given the context, Id be inclined to tell the individual that they questions they are asking are disturbing and any further inappropriate contact will be reported to the Gardai.

SerialComplaint

There is no reason to be friends on FB with people that you don't know. You should be using FB pages, rather than your own profile for any work stuff. This keeps you away from any of this kind of nonsense.

pickarooney

JustAnotherOP wrote: »

Hi Again.


I've decided to follow the course of action that has been suggested by many of you and just cut contact altogether. I believe this is probably the safest route to take as I'd probably only end up getting annoyed by him (and who needs the hassle of it).


I don't work in healthcare; I'm a photographer. When I work with children or babies, I always tend to have a parent or guardian present at the same time. This guy seen photographs of babies that I had taken and initially contacted me from there.


I'm going to chalk it up to him perhaps just being a very socially awkward person. I agree that if he were a serious paedophilic threat he probably wouldn't be asking random people online about photographs of children (with this in mind, I realise the thread title may be a little over the top, but that was my gut feeling originally, so there was no point beating around the bush).


It was just a strange situation to be in, and I felt that it was one that I couldn't just ignore incase there was anything malicious about it, but just leaving it be seems to be the best route. Thank you to everyone for your input and thoughts.

Putting all this together it does sound as though this guy is suspicious of you for whatever reason. If he wants to know if you're gay or if you look at babies' bums for no apparent reason he might be one of these weirdos that assumes everyone who looks at a child is a paedo.

we'llallhavetea

Honestly just ring the guards and let them know. If he's known to them or not, no harm can come from it I think.

dellas1979

Very odd indeed, but I would agree with another poster who said to ask him exactly what he is looking for, if he persists in contacting you.

Put him on the back foot with a "Why would you ask those questions?". Answer his question with a question.

leggo

I don't see what the problem is with having a discrete word with the Gardaí here. They may shrug it off, may investigate it further, whatever. But at least your conscience will always be clear regarding the matter if, god forbid, something was to happen down the line. You simply don't know, either way, but have cause to be concerned. Your alarm bells aren't misguided. Make it somebody else's problem, somebody in a position to make a qualified decision. I've often contacted the Gardaí, just as a precaution more than anything and let them know as much, and I've always got a decent response from them for doing so.

face1990

I think going to the gardai is a bit extreme. He sounds like an odd guy, perhaps a bit socially inept. Concluding that he's paedophile is definitely jumping the gun.

LegacyUser

What people are mistaken here is this guy's continued contact with the OP. He will not stop, this is what would ring alarm bells. And those questions, please! He may be socially inept or not. But anything involving comments like that is not something I would take lightly. It is scary and icky. If the guy is going to be a new dad or curious he is not going to go on facebook and look for some random guy like the OP and ask him such questions about nappies and his sexuality! He was staking him out the OP, imho. Anyone going to be a new dad or curious is going to ask a family member or friend.

OP if you have kept these texts and messages, you can contact 1800 666 111 and it is a confidential line, btw. They may refer you to the DVSAIU branch which is a special unit known as the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Investigation Unit (DVSAIU). This unit investigates stuff like this and have people who work undercover.

We do not know if he is paedophile or not but this is not something I would try to figure out myself. Let the guards do it, it's their job!

blatantrereg

Probably best to notify the guards. Can't see it causing any trouble for the guy if he is really just a harmless oddball. On the other hand if he is actually going to do something horrible then you might prevent it by telling them. You'd feel horrible if you left it and later wondered if you could have prevented something.

The way he switched to calling you, and didn't identify himself as the person who had been texting you: That suggests to me that he is interested in the subject of the kids (for whatever reason) rather than making some clumsy attempt to develop a social connection of any kind. Perhaps a paedo might wonder if setting themselves up as a child photographer would be a way to get at kids.