Cutting ties with former stepmother

LegacyUser

My father was married to this woman. She is a nasty piece of work, who treated me like crap when I was a kid, culminating in kicking me out of the house, and playing myself and my father against each other (she led me to believe that my father also wanted me out, and led him to believe that I was turning my back on them so I could spend more time on the p1ss with my mates). This happened about 15 years ago, and since then, I never had that much contact with her or my father, or two step-siblings. We were never completely estranged, but just lived separate lives and didn’t interact in any way apart from going through the motions once in a blue moon.

In the last few years, I got married and had my own kids, so we started having a bit more contact. Then she kicked my father out. He’s a bit of an oddball at the best of times, and pretty reclusive, so I have little or no contact with him. In my mind, this means that any connection between this woman and me is completely severed, especially as I never liked her in the first place.

But she decided to try to maintain links with me – or, more accurately, with my wife and kids. She would text me and my wife simultaneously, proposing to meet up. I would ignore the texts, and tell my wife I had no interest in being in touch with her, but my wife feels an obligation to be polite to my ‘family’, despite my telling her that I don’t consider this woman to be family. So she graduated to only contacting my wife, who would try to put her off politely, but would eventually give in and agree to meeting her.

Her motives in wanting to maintain contact – as far as I can make out – are purely for the sake of maintaining a fictional image of herself. She has a very big house with just her and my step-brother living in it and I think part of her motivation in wanting to bring my kids there is to normalise this. She doesn’t have many friends and seeks out people and situations where people are artificially polite to her, and won’t tell her to f*ck off - e.g. doing the administration for a youth orchestra. She is targeting my wife in the same spirit – she knows she is too nice to ignore her, like I would.

I don’t want any drama here and don’t want a confrontation of any kind. I’d like to just fade her out of our lives. I know this isn’t the most serious issue in the world and apologies for the length of the post, but what is the best way of achieving this?

Beruthiel

Seems to me that if you can convince your wife to stop texting her, eventually she will give up.
If your wife is uncomfortable with that, why not get her number blocked from both your phones?

daisybelle2008

Well it is up to your wife to cut out the contact. You seem to be harbouring a lot of bitterness towards the woman. Is it possible that your memory of what happened when you were a teenager is a bit biased over time.

It really does not make a lot of sense that she would be trying to stay in contact to 'normalise' her own living situation or to get people to be polite to her. In all honesty she seems to care about you and your family to some degree. With your father gone from the picture she really has no other motive than having concern and still considering you family.
Is it really such a negative thing that she sees your kids once in a while, an extra step-granny being nice to them, is not such a bad thing for any kid. There view of her will be positive.

You could arrange to sit down one on one with her, with an open mind, and clear the air, listen to her side of things and try to see things from her point of view. Situations are never black and white and as teenagers we can be difficult, it might have felt to her that you were snubbing the new family unit by wanting to hang with your mates. Not saying that is right, but a long time has passed, none of us are perfect and being a step mother is not easy I am sure

You have no obligation to do such a thing but it would seem nice that rather than being estranged completely that you could accept that there may be a spirit of. A lot of time has passed, maybe accept that things, people and times have changed and it would be nice to not hold a grudge for so long.

Also not to undermine your reasons but honestly, doing admin for the local youth orchestra is not really solid evidence that she is an evil witch.

It is up to you, but sometimes it just feels really really good when a situation from the past is resolved and moved on from in a positive way with a little forgiveness. Carrying bitterness, estrangement and ignoring people takes its toll and is a heavy burden to carry in life whether we like to admit it.

LegacyUser

Thanks. Moving on is exactly what I want to do. Having contact with this person just brings up bad memories and I find myself thinking about things that don't matter any more and should be left behind.

But I'm not sure I know how to forgive, or what it even means. It's just a word. Forgetting was what I was aiming for, as if you can't forget, how can you forgive?

Do you mean by forgiveness that if I sit down with her and she explains where she was coming from, then I'll understand her and won't feel any ill will towards her any more? That would not be effective. She is an expert at disguising her true motivations, both from herself and from others, so this would just intensify my dislike of her.

Ellsbells

The issue here is that your wife is overriding your wishes. She us bring disrespectful by doing that

daisybelle2008

Ex-Stepson wrote: »

Thanks. Moving on is exactly what I want to do. Having contact with this person just brings up bad memories and I find myself thinking about things that don't matter any more and should be left behind.

But I'm not sure I know how to forgive, or what it even means. It's just a word. Forgetting was what I was aiming for, as if you can't forget, how can you forgive?

Do you mean by forgiveness that if I sit down with her and she explains where she was coming from, then I'll understand her and won't feel any ill will towards her any more? That would not be effective. She is an expert at disguising her true motivations, both from herself and from others, so this would just intensify my dislike of her.

Not sure if forgiveness is the right word to focus on. There are a million sides to every story. In all honesty she surely did the best she could at the time. Unfortunately it did not feel enough for you, step families are not smooth sailing. It is funny you say she is an expert at hiding her motivations from Herself. Surely it is not her fault that she is not a perfectly self aware person? She is flawed just like the rest of us. She does seem to genuinely care about you and your family. It really does not make sense that her motives for wanting to see your kids and wife are anything but genuine. Sure she is not even with your father now.
It may feel like too little too late but it is up to you how you see it.
I would say the best way to achieve 'forgetting' the past is to wipe the slate clean and have a good civil relationship with her, not actively ignoring her and yet carrying a chip on your shoulder about her.

qwertytlk

Is there any reason you can't just be honest with the woman and tell her you don't want to maintain constant with her and nor do your family? IMO it would be the easiest and most clean cut way to sever the relationship!

Unless there is a chance your dad may get back with her and this could make your relationship with him even more strained. Considering the fact that she clearly has no problem lying and intentionally coming between you and your father..

leeroybrown

I hate to say it but your problem is really with your wife. You've clearly decided to cut your stepmother out of your life so you need to get your wife to realise this is final and she's not helping by humouring her.

Magicmatilda

While I agree with daisybelle that you could look at dealing with this by sitting down and discussing it with her. You don't seen to want to do that. I think it might be a healthy way of dealing with it. Even just to ask her straight out what she wants or expects from you? You say you don't want confrontation but realistically we can't go through life without it at some point. Not if we want to create boundaries. Anyway the problem for which you seek help is that she is contacting your wife.

To be very blunt about it who your wife has contact with is not really your business. That said if you have made it clear that you do not want your kids or her to have a relationship with this women then she really should be respecting that. Assuming of course you not a generally controlling husband who dictates who she can talk to etc. Which you give no indication of being. It seems that she does not want to upset this woman but instead she is upsetting you. Have you explained it to your wife in those terms. She is putting the wishes of this woman, ahead of your wishes? Has she explained why she is doing that? A relationship involves loyalty to our partner and she is not being loyal to you in this matter. It would be more complex if she had an independent relationship with this woman, there could be a divided loyalty then, but I understand from your post she doesn't.