Borderline Obsessive

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Regular poster here but I prefer to go annonymous for this one.

I broke up with a very possessive boyfriend a month ago, things had been terrible for a long time. He didnt want me seeing friends, family or generally have a life of my own. Wanted me by his side evey day of every week.
Anyway after a lot of building up to it I finally ended it, but it has been far from an easy ride. He keeps texting me, ringing me, getting his friends to do the same.
He turning up at my house and banging on the doors and windows wanting me to come out but of I dont of course.
He's turned up at my family members houses (of whom he's never even met before)
also wanting to discuss me and how much he loves me and so on.
Its really starting to get to me, I feel scared in the house alone at night in case he comes around. Im afraid to him turning up at my work.
I woke up to text messages this morning and I felt a wave of panic wash over me.

Has anyone ever dealt with something like this before??.

I'd be so grateful for any advice on how to handle this before my mind goes.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

My situation wasn't exactly like this but I can still relate. My boyfriend had been more annoyingly clingy than controlling but he didn't take our break-up well. I had him harrass me for 9 months after we broke up. I had blocked his facebook, mobile number, house number, email address and he STILL found ways to contact me (new SIM card which he kept on private number, fake facebook etc). I also had to deal with him showing up on nights out. My friends were hounded with late night calls, texts, messages. It got nastier as time went on and he realised I wanted nothing to do with him. Too much happened to even go into but he spread vicious lies about me and publicly trashed me on Facebook (sounds juvenile, but a damaged reputation can sting).



When you mentioned the panic you felt this morning upon seeing the messages, it made me feel sick because I can remember that feeling all too well.



Have you asked him to leave you alone? Have you told him outright to stop contacting you and your family? If you have, and he has continued then my advice is go the gardaí now. I did it twice. The first time I was asked to keep a harrassment diary, which I did but then it all stopped for a while so I didn't pursue it.



The second time was after I started a new relationship and it flared up again. I didn't want it ruining things for me and when he actually purposely banged into me and spilled my drink in the pub one night, I realised that more needed to be done. The gardai wanted me to press charges but I didn't want to go to court unless I had to so they cautioned him. I was lucky with the Gards I dealt with, they may think it isn't serious at first but make sure you have everything well documented to show them.

It's been almost 4 months of peace for me now. You deserve the same to move on and be happy with.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for your reply, its good to know that what im feeling isnt overreaction.

There has been other things also that have been said that have unsettled me. He's gone and had a huge tattoo inked on his arm to remind him of me and he tells me that its the devil that taking me away from him. He's had a preacher ring me and text me this also.

I just get the feeling that Im being watched ALL the time, i feel the need to look over my shoulder and check out my windows before I leave my house or even a friends house incase I've been followed.

I know he drives by my house also, he's been seen. He doesnt live anywhere near me!

I just feel so anxious and scared alot of the time.
I used to be so independent and happy go lucky but now I'm shaken and a nervous shy being.

LegacyUser

An sorry I meant to say that no I havent said anything to him yet for fear of him wanting to talk to me.
I ignore all phonecalls and texts. Blocked of facebook also.

Sephiroth_dude

I think it's time to go to the guards and get a re straining order of some sort,he sounds like a nut job,how long were ye going out?

Piliger

Hi OP.

This guy is a stalker, pure and simple. Please get a diary and enter all of his actions as accurately as possible, with times and places.

As others have said, go and talk with a local Garda lady and ask for a detective.

Reach out to your friends, especially any men friends. Don't try to keep it a secret, this is what these guys want you to do. The men are not to go beat him up, but he needs to know you are not alone and the word needs to reach him of that.

Best of luck

dannyc31

go to the gards about this guy asap. he's clearly a nutter and very unpredictable. no-one has the right to make you feel this way in your own home.

if you feel he is not too dangerous then i would tell him on a phone call that this has to stop and if not you are going to the garda to file a report on him. this might be enough to scare him away.

otherwise as people have said above go to the garda front desk and ask can you speak to a lady garda in private. they'll take you into a private room and get the details from you. theyre are different levels of harrasment so you need to have evidence and witnessess for the gards otherwise its difficult for them to press charges but they can set it up as an harrasment case and contact the guy directly to warn him that you have made a complaint against him and that he should stay away or it could be esculated to harrasment.

this will put your mind at ease once you've done this beleive me.

Midnight Sundance

Agree with everything that has been said already!!! I think you should go to the guards because even if they can't do anything now , a pattern will emerge and so a case can be built up in the future and if it's not for you then perhaps some other poor girl.
I only say that because my friend was plagued by some guy who really scared her. After a long time of finding out who it was, she discovered the same guy had been harassing other people over the years and had they reported him a stronger case could have been built to press charges.

Also, do you rent?? If you do then consider moving house. I know it is drastic but he seems like someone that you should steer clear of.
Get a house alarm just for your peace of mind if it is your house, perhaps with the text alert so if the alarm goes off you and a friend/ relative gets the alert. I know you would never need it but every time you hear a sound you'll wonder, but with the alarm you'll know it's nothing because the alarm wouldn't have gone off.

Best of luck in the future! Not all men are like him!

snafuk35

AquaOrla wrote: »

Hi All,

Regular poster here but I prefer to go annonymous for this one.

I broke up with a very possessive boyfriend a month ago, things had been terrible for a long time. He didnt want me seeing friends, family or generally have a life of my own. Wanted me by his side evey day of every week.
Anyway after a lot of building up to it I finally ended it, but it has been far from an easy ride. He keeps texting me, ringing me, getting his friends to do the same.
He turning up at my house and banging on the doors and windows wanting me to come out but of I dont of course.
He's turned up at my family members houses (of whom he's never even met before)
also wanting to discuss me and how much he loves me and so on.
Its really starting to get to me, I feel scared in the house alone at night in case he comes around. Im afraid to him turning up at my work.
I woke up to text messages this morning and I felt a wave of panic wash over me.

Has anyone ever dealt with something like this before??.

I'd be so grateful for any advice on how to handle this before my mind goes.

Thanks.

Keep a diary of his behavior and go to the Gardaí.
Make sure to lock all your doors and windows when you are out of your house, change your phone number, change your email address, change your social networking accounts and cut all contact with him.
Tell family members, relative and friends that you want no contact with him and for them to make it crystal clear that you are going to go to the law if he doesn't leave you alone.

charlietheminxx

Orla you've been given some great advice here - but make sure you ask him to leave you alone before taking it as far as going to the Gards. Other than that, they might not take you seriously.

A lot of people have advised seeing a lady Garda - having dealt with both I actually found a male guard to be better with this. Probably just comes down to the individual.

If you go to the station to report him, bring print-outs of any Facebook messages or emails or whatever you may have.

Don't let it stress you too much either. His behavior is creepy but don't let it turn you into a nervous wreck or they win. Believe me, I know.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thankyou all for your replies. I really appreciate it.

Unfortunately i delete the txts as I get them because they scare me and i feel ill looking at them. maybe from now on I will keep them.

Everyone belonging to him, i.e Friends and Family think he's amazing.
That ANY girl would be sooooo lucky to have him. He comes across as this poor hard done by lad because his "heartless" girlfriend dumped him callously and without reason. He's even gone to a work colleague of mine to tell him how upset he is and how depressed he is. Again he doesnt even know him!!

The last thing i'd do would be to go tell his parents why exactly I split from him and what he's been doing since!
I wouldn't want to cause them any distress because they are good people.

Thanks again everyone for your advice, very much appreciate it!

xx

Piliger

charlietheminxx wrote: »

A lot of people have advised seeing a lady Garda - having dealt with both I actually found a male guard to be better with this. Probably just comes down to the individual.

I agree - but the advice to see a lady Garda is not that they are best but that the OP might find it easier to tell the story.

snafuk35

AquaOrla wrote: »

He's even gone to a work colleague of mine to tell him how upset he is and how depressed he is. Again he doesnt even know him!!

This guy is a loon. A person who does that is unhinged.
I would go to the Gardaí immediately if I were you.
This guy could harm other people the way he is going on.

Sephiroth_dude

AquaOrla wrote: »

The last thing i'd do would be to go tell his parents why exactly I split from him and what he's been doing since!
I wouldn't want to cause them any distress because they are good people.

Thanks again everyone for your advice, very much appreciate it!

xx

Maybe you should tell them,they might give him a kick in the arse that he needs,you don't owe this guy anything.

tricialou

AquaOrla wrote: »

Hi All,

Regular poster here but I prefer to go annonymous for this one.

I broke up with a very possessive boyfriend a month ago, things had been terrible for a long time. He didnt want me seeing friends, family or generally have a life of my own. Wanted me by his side evey day of every week.
Anyway after a lot of building up to it I finally ended it, but it has been far from an easy ride. He keeps texting me, ringing me, getting his friends to do the same.
He turning up at my house and banging on the doors and windows wanting me to come out but of I dont of course.
He's turned up at my family members houses (of whom he's never even met before)
also wanting to discuss me and how much he loves me and so on.
Its really starting to get to me, I feel scared in the house alone at night in case he comes around. Im afraid to him turning up at my work.
I woke up to text messages this morning and I felt a wave of panic wash over me.

Has anyone ever dealt with something like this before??.

I'd be so grateful for any advice on how to handle this before my mind goes.

Thanks.

Hi sorry to hear your story. Main thing is not to reply to anytext or answer and phone call A good or bad response from you will motivate him to keep going. Eventually he will get bored but it might take a while. Keep a record of events but dont expect too much from the guards. next time he calls to your house maybe call them . the guy is obviously unstable and has problems with being rejected which have nothing to do with you! PM me and i will give you more details.

LegacyUser

I behaved i a similiar manner not so long ago. I was with someone briefly who turned around and gave me empty promises and excuses when I questioned him on not fulfilling his empty promises. It was just so calleous from him. There was so much apathy from him. I always believe that honesty no matter what is the best policy no matter what. You know where you stand and you can move on.

He walked all over me and it was left so open. I tried to understand him but him and his vague excuses didn't sit right with me. When I tried looking for some answers, I got nothing from him.

And I cracked.

Can I ask how did you two break and why? Was things left open? Were you absolutely completely honest with him when it came to breaking up? Or pussyfoot around things and maybe things don't make sense to him. Be truthful and honest with yourself here. Of course there are probably cases where you could have been honest and the other person just can't handle rejection.

More often than not, when I see others in relationships and it comes to breaking up it's done so calleously and cold, if you're lucky at all to be told where you stand. Being treated with such disregard would have the potential to bring anyone down and crack them. I see so many people acting like martyrs, obvious to the hurt that they have caused another.

Also I know his behaviour isn't nice but going to the guards on him is badness, especially when you two dated or it should be done as a last resort or if you genuinely fear for your life. If on the chance things were left open from you, could you not arrange a coffee meeting for a chat but let him know that you have no interest in getting back with him, it's just for a chat. If there was any unfinished business, clear the air with him. If there's no unfinished business, explain maybe maybe that you are sorry things came to an end between you two. Explain that you are not liking the current treatment and could he please put a stop to it. Explain what's he's doing and tell him that you will go to the gardai if it doesn't stop.

Corkgirl1234

My heart goes out to u i also know what this feels like as i am in same situation(but havent left the guy) with two kids added to the situation,so its hard and quite complicated.but all i know is that u have made a great and brave move by leaving him.that was the hardest part.your doing right by blanking him,uhave no reason to talk to him.so every harrasing or even creepy text or email he sends dont reply just keep them as evidence,go to guards.i know someone whos in the same situation and she went to guards(and court,she got a protection order) and it will help.he will soon get the picture and leave u alone because if he don't he will get into serious trouble with the law. Best wishes to u

Belfastmedic

Due a baby in four weeks and in a simiar situation.

I blocked him on facebook and said no more contact is the way forward, delete my number (he didn't)

Started getting texts from some random guy and calls up to 1am, then the same email over and over.

He threatened to send my facebook screen shots of stuff i said about him (which was true) to a solicitor for a civil case of libel.

He text me the other day and thinks everything is grand :eek:

Corkgirl1234

There seems to be more men out there like this than I thought !there has to be a psychological problem or name for this sort of behaviour.