Reality check

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I'm a bouncer in a bar and I recently had an issue with a friend of a friend.

A friend of a friend whenever we met had a habit of either punching me in the shoulder (not hard) or brushing his hand across mya ass, this was only when I was working and he was out drinking. You can write this off to various reasons ranging from this guy wanting to be funny to being a closet homosexual, either way I don't find it funny when guys or girls to it to me (it's important to me that I make that point clear).

I brushed this off on a few occasions, initially saying that I'd prefer if he shook my hand or just said hello instead of doing that. After saying that on two or three occasions I told him (half in jest) that he needs to "learn to say hello" instead of punching me in the shoulder.

Recently I met a group of friends when they came into my place of work (a bar) and this guy walks up behind me and kind of threw his shoulder into mine (not with any major force). I instantaneously asked to speak to him away from the noisy area we were in. He refused, assuming I was joking. I told him I wasn't joking and he said "if you drag me out to the door I'll literally never speak to you again" to which I responded "I don't give a ****, you can either walk out to the door, or I'll walk you out to the door", I feel this showed how irate I was, I was perfectly prepared to restrain the guy if he resisted and throw him out if he didn't oblige me, though that's not to be mistaken with wishing him harm.

When he conceded to walk with me to a quiter area I told him that "the courtesy and respect that I show him (and his girlfriend) were based on his friendship with our mutual friend, and that we were not good buddies or best friends and that if he wants to say hello to me then walk up and say hello or shake my hand, and that touching me or punching me in the arm wasn't the way to do it" (I was quite direct in my delivery of this message, but that's what I said verbatim).

He then informed me that he would never so much as salute me or say hello again, I said ok and he walked off.

As a result of being more of a peacemaker than a grudge holder I approached him last night at work when I saw him and said "I didn't want what I said to you to insult you or mean that there's some crap between us where we can't say hello or salute each other" and he reaffirmed what he had said the previous night about not saluting me again.

Firstly I deal with people in my job, most of them in one state or another thanks to drink or drugs.

I felt that I handled the situation in a level headed fashion and though I really dislike conflict, I am not afraid of it and I'm well able to stand up for myself (both physically and verbally). Aside from that I feel disappointed that there is now someone that I'm not on speaking terms with who is friends with a good friend of mine, the more friendly side to my personality wants to get along with people.

I'm not really sure what the aim of this post is, but I'd like to see what other people have to say on the matter.

Ickle Magoo

I think you have to accept it's impossible to be friends with everyone if you also want to retain the boundaries you are most comfortable with. Some people have very little common sense when it comes to boundaries and yet astonishingly can be insulted that you dare point out they've crossed a boundary of yours/are behaving towards you in a manner that you find annoying/unnecessary/inappropriate.

I'd just let it blow over - you've made sure he knows your boundaries and he's agreed to respect them, that's what matters. If he wants to be childish because you've demanded he stop shoulder charging you or shoulder punching you then he's not someone I would lose sleep over tbh...sounds incredibly insecure and childish.

snafuk35

PatentsPending wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm a bouncer in a bar and I recently had an issue with a friend of a friend.

A friend of a friend whenever we met had a habit of either punching me in the shoulder (not hard) or brushing his hand across mya ass, this was only when I was working and he was out drinking. You can write this off to various reasons ranging from this guy wanting to be funny to being a closet homosexual, either way I don't find it funny when guys or girls to it to me (it's important to me that I make that point clear).

I brushed this off on a few occasions, initially saying that I'd prefer if he shook my hand or just said hello instead of doing that. After saying that on two or three occasions I told him (half in jest) that he needs to "learn to say hello" instead of punching me in the shoulder.

Recently I met a group of friends when they came into my place of work (a bar) and this guy walks up behind me and kind of threw his shoulder into mine (not with any major force). I instantaneously asked to speak to him away from the noisy area we were in. He refused, assuming I was joking. I told him I wasn't joking and he said "if you drag me out to the door I'll literally never speak to you again" to which I responded "I don't give a ****, you can either walk out to the door, or I'll walk you out to the door", I feel this showed how irate I was, I was perfectly prepared to restrain the guy if he resisted and throw him out if he didn't oblige me, though that's not to be mistaken with wishing him harm.

When he conceded to walk with me to a quiter area I told him that "the courtesy and respect that I show him (and his girlfriend) were based on his friendship with our mutual friend, and that we were not good buddies or best friends and that if he wants to say hello to me then walk up and say hello or shake my hand, and that touching me or punching me in the arm wasn't the way to do it" (I was quite direct in my delivery of this message, but that's what I said verbatim).

He then informed me that he would never so much as salute me or say hello again, I said ok and he walked off.

As a result of being more of a peacemaker than a grudge holder I approached him last night at work when I saw him and said "I didn't want what I said to you to insult you or mean that there's some crap between us where we can't say hello or salute each other" and he reaffirmed what he had said the previous night about not saluting me again.

Firstly I deal with people in my job, most of them in one state or another thanks to drink or drugs.

I felt that I handled the situation in a level headed fashion and though I really dislike conflict, I am not afraid of it and I'm well able to stand up for myself (both physically and verbally). Aside from that I feel disappointed that there is now someone that I'm not on speaking terms with who is friends with a good friend of mine, the more friendly side to my personality wants to get along with people.

I'm not really sure what the aim of this post is, but I'd like to see what other people have to say on the matter.

The guy is a fool and you told him you didn't like his carry on.
If he is sore about it, then it is his problem.
Not yours.
Its embarrasing to have to do this but you had to make a stand.
You handled it properly and he doesn't want to talk to you.
Why should you care?
If you have no problem saluting or saying hello to him then do so but if he still is sore then just ignore him.
He brought the humiliation down on his own head.

Mighty_Mouse

Feck him, he sounds like a knob.
Sounds like you handled it perfectly & got an even better result than you planned for.
Now you don't even have to pretend to engage with him.
Why would you want to recover the situation in any way?

dazberry

The problem here as I see it is that you talked to this guy in bouncer mode when he thought he was in friend mode (funny way of showing his friendship I know), so that mismatch led to a bit of escalation (his refusal to talk to you thinking you were joking) and effectively a threat from you to walk him out etc.

In hindsight a different approach may have worked better in that situation, but alas it is what it is. I'd say just leave it be for a while, it'll probably blow over...

D.

LegacyUser

Well besides punching me int he arm (I'll get over that one), grabbing or touching my ass (how strange is that!) even when he was there with his girlfriend is just f*cking weird, no matter what way you look at it.

I was very nice about it initially, and on 4 or 5 separate occasions told him to not do it (though I should have been firm with the situation fromt he start rather than being nice about it).

The reason I wanted to resolve it is that we know the same people and if there's a group of us out, I don't really want to ignore one person and talk to the rest, though now I've no issue doing that.

I think the guy is a clown, and I politely asked him to not do it because I didn't want to be brash and tell him to **** off. I think I was a bit too nice about it.

Standman

I think you handled that situation well. You gave him plenty of warning, explained things clearly to him and were very reasonable. Maybe he thought that the fact you have a mutual friend meant that he could get away with behaving like an eejit. In any case he displayed a complete lack of tact and you are in the right.

Janey_Mac

You were perfectly reasonable. He doesn't have an inherent right to touch you.

msg11

Actually wish I was more like yourself, I too am a people pleaser don't want to get on anyones bad side or not been friends. But in fairness, I have toned down on it cause you get this type of crap of people walking all over you.

Perfectly right in telling him to get a grip of himself and in your line of work having people hit you in the shoulder or punch you, could have customers walk all over you too.

If anything he will hopefully learn too stop been a dick and greet people with a bit of respect.

Roisy7

You did the right thing OP, this guy is clearly a little odd, to say the least. Maybe just drink or whatever but as far as I know straight men don't touch each other's arses as a form of greeting.
Don't worry about him, he'll be grand.
Don't worry about your friend either, I'm sure anyone who is close to him knows what he's like and won't hold it against you.