Need help, don't know whether to end it

LegacyUser

Hi,

Ive been a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half now and I've become more increasingly unhappy at how things are going. this is for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost, my partner is older (8 years) and has told me that she doesn't believe in marriage and has no desire to have kids in the future (she has one already from a previous relationship). I have no desire for either at the moment but I know I will in the future and this will become a serious issue in a few years. I don't want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want, nor do I want to stay in a relationship that will eventually come to a head over this.

Secondly, she has gone through a series of personal crises over the past year (nothing to do with the relationship) and this has been a huge emotional drain on both of us. I feel like I'm the only person there for her (apart from her son) and it has caused me huge distress and anxiety. I feel completely helpless in these situations and find myself apologising for not being able to provide comfort or answers that will help her overcome her situation, even though I try desperately hard. I feel like I am slipping back into a period of depression which I overcame long ago. I'm terrified at the thought of this.

Thirdly, my partner has serious anger management issues. These stem from a chronic pain condition combined with anger at the lack of help from her family and friends. I'm a very calm person, I don't get angry. But recently I've found myself getting more and more frustrated and angry and her behaviour and I feel very uncomfortable with this. This isn't me. It makes me extremely sad to think I am changing in some way because of this.

I find myself being criticised a lot of the time and its entirely one way. I'm very hurt a lot of the time. I love her, but my heart sinks when she rings sometimes, I just feel like she'll either be annoyed at me or something terrible will have happened to her.

I don't know if I can continue like this. Its affecting my relationship with my own family and my friends. There is no good time to talk to her about this because of her problems. I feel if I speak to her about it she will become very angry and I get really intimidated by this and feel like I'm compromising myself to keep her happy. Please don't think I'm a coward, I'm just not good with conflict and I really care about her.

I feel like I want to leave but the repercussions will be enormous and the anger will from her will be completely unpredictable. Please help me with advice.

Taltos

OP - all I can see from your post is reason after reason to get out.
I don't see one reason to stay - fear doesn't count.

OK - you say you love her - but that isn't enough and I am sorry but that is not reason enough to stay.

Look - picture yourself ten years down the line - with this going on day after day and you still childless - what do you think this future worn down self would say to you... So listen to yourself and get out...
You might see this as the cowardly thing to do - but forgetting all the rest of what is going on here - the child issue is big enough to be make or break. Add everything else to that and I really do think you have little option - at least that is my view.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply. I know thats the way I've been leaning. But if i leave her, and her friends and family don't step up to the mark (her family in particular have been appalling) then I worry about what will happen to her.

The saddest thing is that I can't see myself with her in ten years time. I feel like i'm prolonging the inevitable.

I'm so lost in this I don't know what do. I'm really dissapointed that her family and friends allowed me to take the brunt of her personal problems. I know if I do end it, it will be the most difficult thing I have ever done. She will be so angry and upset. I feel really weak saying this but I can't handle someone being angry with me. I lose self-respect and just start apologising. I hate myself when this happens. I have no idea how to even start doing this.

Lorna123

lostandunhappy wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. I know thats the way I've been leaning. But if i leave her, and her friends and family don't step up to the mark (her family in particular have been appalling) then I worry about what will happen to her.

The saddest thing is that I can't see myself with her in ten years time. I feel like i'm prolonging the inevitable.

I'm so lost in this I don't know what do. I'm really dissapointed that her family and friends allowed me to take the brunt of her personal problems. I know if I do end it, it will be the most difficult thing I have ever done. She will be so angry and upset. I feel really weak saying this but I can't handle someone being angry with me. I lose self-respect and just start apologising. I hate myself when this happens. I have no idea how to even start doing this.

I think that if I were you I would write her a letter saying that you can't see a future with her because you know that you will want to have children at some stage and based on that it would be better to part now as you don't want to waste her time, or get in any deeper. Then she can't let fly at you. It will give her time to digest what you said and then you could arrange to meet her in a public place so that she has to be reasonably subdued and just explain the letter to her face to face. That might work OP.

nowyouresix

Op: here is where you have to think of yourself. You want kids, she doesn't....it's a dealbreaker. Think with your head, not your heart, and do what is right for you.
Best of luck !

snafuk35

lostandunhappy wrote: »

Hi,

Ive been a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half now and I've become more increasingly unhappy at how things are going. this is for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost, my partner is older (8 years) and has told me that she doesn't believe in marriage and has no desire to have kids in the future (she has one already from a previous relationship). I have no desire for either at the moment but I know I will in the future and this will become a serious issue in a few years. I don't want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want, nor do I want to stay in a relationship that will eventually come to a head over this.

Secondly, she has gone through a series of personal crises over the past year (nothing to do with the relationship) and this has been a huge emotional drain on both of us. I feel like I'm the only person there for her (apart from her son) and it has caused me huge distress and anxiety. I feel completely helpless in these situations and find myself apologising for not being able to provide comfort or answers that will help her overcome her situation, even though I try desperately hard. I feel like I am slipping back into a period of depression which I overcame long ago. I'm terrified at the thought of this.

Thirdly, my partner has serious anger management issues. These stem from a chronic pain condition combined with anger at the lack of help from her family and friends. I'm a very calm person, I don't get angry. But recently I've found myself getting more and more frustrated and angry and her behaviour and I feel very uncomfortable with this. This isn't me. It makes me extremely sad to think I am changing in some way because of this.

I find myself being criticised a lot of the time and its entirely one way. I'm very hurt a lot of the time. I love her, but my heart sinks when she rings sometimes, I just feel like she'll either be annoyed at me or something terrible will have happened to her.

I don't know if I can continue like this. Its affecting my relationship with my own family and my friends. There is no good time to talk to her about this because of her problems. I feel if I speak to her about it she will become very angry and I get really intimidated by this and feel like I'm compromising myself to keep her happy. Please don't think I'm a coward, I'm just not good with conflict and I really care about her.

I feel like I want to leave but the repercussions will be enormous and the anger will from her will be completely unpredictable. Please help me with advice.

You need to say precisely what you have said to her right away.
You have pretty much identified thoroughly what is going wrong in your relationship and were the stresses and strains are.
She needs to know all of this right away and you both need to be on the same page.
You are holding back fearing the relationship will end when by the sound of it is unravelling relentlessly as it is.
To save it if you can save it at all and to be honest it doesn't look good so far, you have to tell her exactly what you have just written.
So know what is wrong from your end so tell her.

Ickle Magoo

It may sound harsh OP but your own mental health and well-being are way more important than what "might" happen to someone whose own behaviour has played the majority role in destroying your relationship together.

A romantic relationship should always be a positive addition to your life - it's not healthy for either of you to be in a negative, unfulfilled partnership..that will only lead to resentment and erode your self-belief and self-esteem even further.

You need to make the break and you need some support while you do that. Do you have friends or family you could lean on? If not perhaps consider attending counselling in order to have a safe place you can discuss your feelings and and get some perspective because from your posts, it seems you have already become so used to some completely unacceptable behaviours and it might be difficult to see just how wrong this relationship is.

All the very best OP.