Guardian to my brother

LegacyUser

Hi
My father died 6 years ago. I was 21, my younger brother was only 10 at the time. My older brother never took an interest in him so he never really had a male role model.
I am now his legal guardian. I don’t have any kids. I’m with my partner 9 years and neither of us have a clue how to deal with a 16 year old
Fast forward to November last year when my mother died very unexpectedly (SADS). He's 16 and "confused" (I use that term loosely). He said to me that a fella came onto him and he didn't know what do. That relationship has since ended and he went running around after girls and was mad about a few, but he got knocked back by them. Then, in walks this other guy shows a massive interest and my brother latches on big time.
The thing is, my brother is now all of sudden wanting to buy girls t-shirts, putting flowers in his room (this is all the influence of this new guy who is extremely flamboyant and goes on like a girl)
On the other hand he is saying things like, I’ll only drink manly drinks and do manly things and buying men’s magazines (nuts) and his bedroom is covered in pictures of naked girls (Lucy Pinder to be precise)
My older brother doesn’t talk to us at all. He threatened me with a solicitor two weeks after my mam died. His “other half” made life very difficult for us. My mother’s funeral bill was invoiced in her name and she got a loan on the bill. This really annoyed me.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t have anyone to ask about this coz no one knows what do to do.

clarbar

seems like your brother is trying to fill a gap in life by attaching to any male influences as possible. Does he have any friends OP? sorry to hear about your situation, the best thing really is to let your brother attend counselling , just to let him get his head straight , nothing wrong with what he's doing just he seems to be struggling inside . Could just be a phase to be honest ,seems like it but I would let him have someone to talk to that will get down to what is really going on

LegacyUser

Sounds like your brother is showing signs of bisexuality, possibly. I'm not sure we have to attach psychoanalytical jargon to his sexuality and romantic interests. The boy was mad after a lad, got rejected and then tried it on with girls to experiment. His decision to drink 'manly' drinks and buying Nuts doesn't really mean much. I think you're putting far too much emphasis on how your brother is constructing his gender identity. This 'phase' happens to many guys growing up as they try and find themselves in the world and all the rest. It's possible that your brother is just bisexual and is now trying to figure out what that means to his identity as a man. I say leave him off and let him figure out himself naturally.

If this situation is causing him a great deal of anxiety or confusion, sure I'd suggest counseling, but I don't think that's what the problem is here. You could always take him to your GP, contact the gay youth organisation, Belong2, or just have a chat with your little brother. Many lads grow up with out a father and turn out heterosexual, actually I'd probably say the vast majority. I don't think we should play the blame game. I don't seem to be disappointed with how your brother is behaving, but I think your fears a bit unfounded. Go and talk to some of your gay friends (if you have any) and see how you feel then?

uck51js9zml2yt

You're in a tough situation and so is your brother.

Its hard for anyone to deal with death, particularly if its sudden.

You may want to consider bereavement counseling.
My nephew availed of it when his dad died suddenly and found it helped him deal with the loss.
You may also want to get help yourself to enable you to sit him down and talk to him. Is there a social worker you could contact?

Do you do anything together that would help you bond and maybe he would open up.

LegacyUser

He's been to counselling, but this was before the new guy appeared and I asked him if he wanted to go back and he said no.

If we're going the cinema, we ask him to come and he always does. We don't mind at all. It can be great crack. It's pretty much where we go he comes with.

I've said to him numerous time if he wants to talk to me about anything, he can. But he just keeps it all bottled. Then the other night he said to me it feels like I don't want him around or want him in the house anymore and that kind of hurt me. The second i realised my mam was dead I made the decision that I wanted to be his guardian and I would do everything in my power to make sure everything was kept going.

I literally got thrown in the deep end, with no guidance on how to look after and cope with a 16 year old and I just get the impression my extended family just don't care.

I can't grieve coz I have to work, come home clean up after him (very messy 16 year old, but what 16 year old isn't) which takes half the night. I don't have the money to pay out for counselling for both of us (if he decides to go back) so I just said he can go. I'm the adult.

Morag

Did your brother get any counselling?

Lorna123

Your brother is a teenager and teenagers can be very difficult to understand. You are both also trying to deal with the loss of your mother. This must be very hard on you OP. I would say that your brother will sort himself out in time. Just be there for him and don't take personally what he says, keep on offering the hand of friendship and as he gets older he will sort himself out. I would say this other guy influenced him for a while and he liked the attention. He needed the attention. It doesn't necessarily mean his is gay. He is at a very tender age so he needs someone like you to just keep an eye on him. Would there be free counselling in your local parish church organization. That might be a good place to make enquiries. If you could get him to join clubs and organizations just to keep occupied. I think he is very lucky to have a caring brother like you around. Keep up the good work.

Beruthiel

Utterly Lost wrote: »

He's been to counselling, but this was before the new guy appeared and I asked him if he wanted to go back and he said no.

Try and get him to go back if you can.

Hormones, 16 and confusion go together.
With both parents gone on top of that, his world is a difficult place to be in. The rug has been pulled out from under him.
Perhaps he feels that he has been fobbed onto you and you'd rather not have to deal with him.

Either way, have you sat down with him and told him that you love him and are there for him no matter what?
That you know how difficult life is for him and that eventually he will find who he is and things will get better.
Tell him that you are there to protect and help him in any way you can and that you would really appreciate that he talk to you instead of lashing out.

I believe a teenager is much calmer if they realise that they are being influenced by their hormones and that they have someone to lean on when they need it.

As for what his sexual preference is, he's probably not sure himself. Nor does it really matter at this point OP, leave that to him to work out.

LegacyUser

I say it to him every so often that he can talk away to me about anything. Even if he thinks it's stupid. But I get the feeling he doesn't want to talk to a girl (sister here)
Plus I'm not sure he knows how to open up to my partner (my brother has told me my partner is more of a brother to him then our older brother)

And I would do anything for him.

It's just hard to still be his sister yet be the authority figure as well. He's not impressed that I don't allow him to close his bedroom door when his boyfriend is there. I'm just going by what I was taught by my parents. I wasn't even allowed my boyfriend up in my room at 16.

I don't want to push him away, our older brother has already done that to both of us. So I'm literally all he has left at this point in his life.

Thanks for all the help! I suppose it's all still in the early stages of EVERYTHING.

Beruthiel

Utterly Lost wrote: »

It's just hard to still be his sister yet be the authority figure as well. He's not impressed that I don't allow him to close his bedroom door when his boyfriend is there. I'm just going by what I was taught by my parents. I wasn't even allowed my boyfriend up in my room at 16.

I know you say that you are just going by what your parents did, but, why?
What is your reasoning behind it?

The way I dealt with my teenage daughter was to trust her fully.
I made a point of telling her I trusted her. But, I made sure that she was fully aware of the consequences of breaking that trust and how very difficult it would have been for her to regain it.

At 16, your brother is old enough for you to start trusting him and to give him some privacy.
If a 16 year old wants to get up to no good, you leaving a door open won't stop that, they will just find somewhere else.
You would be much better off making sure he is well educated on the different STI's you can catch and to drill into him the importance of safe sex, self respect and sensitivity towards others and the consequences of his actions towards them.

It is no good to talk at him, but more so, to ask his opinion on how he thinks he should handle X, Y and Z.

I don't want to push him away

Don't be afraid to tell him just that. Be totally honest with him, he will meet you half way.

I'm literally all he has left at this point in his life.

He is keenly aware of that and I bet it scares the hell out of him.

LegacyUser

My parents where fairly easy going. They never interfered (only when needed). I lied to them once and I never did it again. I could always talk to them about everything. My mam was literally my best friend, but also my mother! So to me her parenting style was great. They trusted me and I trusted them. I told my mam everything (I literally mean everything little tiny thing)

I did realise at one point I was talking at him, so I changed that and sat down with him. But he doesn't trust me. He will tell me he is going some place with some one, then when he comes home he was no where near where he told me was going. He can hang around with who he wants, but at least let me know where he is so I know he is safe and sound.

I leave him to do want he wants really (within reason) If he wants to head out, he goes. I just tell him to let me know if he is home for dinner or not.

But he if doesn't trust me, how can I trust him (this is where the vicious circle starts)

I've tried to talk to him about the whole sex thing and STI's, but its bit awkward. I think most parents & kids are the same.

He never ever had to do any house chores. So he now does the washing up every second night and he hoover's his own room. I sat down with him and asked him would he be alright with doing that and he said yeah cool.

My mam knew straight away looking at him what mood he was in but I haven't a clue. Sometimes I can tell but not all the time. But if he doesn't tell me I can't help.

I'm in no way trying to replace my mother, good god no! Not one single person on this earth could. But if I could be like her, it would be great.

Beruthiel

Utterly Lost wrote: »

I did realise at one point I was talking at him, so I changed that and sat down with him. But he doesn't trust me.

Did he tell you that?

He will tell me he is going some place with some one, then when he comes home he was no where near where he told me was going.

Have you told him how scared and worried you are for him when he does that?
Have you asked him while he feels the need to lie to you about it?

at least let me know where he is so I know he is safe and sound.

He absolutely should be telling you.
Have you asked him if he cares enough for you not to have you worry needlessly about him?

But he if doesn't trust me, how can I trust him

Ask him to answer that question honestly.

So he now does the washing up every second night and he hoover's his own room. I sat down with him and asked him would he be alright with doing that and he said yeah cool.

Keep him to that.
No harm asking him to cook now and again either.
Every child should have some level of cooking skills when they leave home.
Is he washing his own clothes? If not, make him start.

Finally, don't beat yourself up too much.
You care enough to be on here asking questions and it's clear you want to do your best by him.
You are already a step ahead.

saa

It sounds like youre doing a good job, but you seem sad and overwhelmed No wonder considering what youve been through and the circumstance youve been placed in, talking to someone or linking in with a support network would be better on an ongoing basis, as much as there might be a few pointers here this takes a long time to learn how to cope without feeling completely confused and exhausted.

Theres more chance to get him free help or counselling being under the age of 16, so you need to find out what services he can avail of, be the adult here because I feel that you are being the hurt child which I can completely understand I'm in my 20s have younger brothers around the same age who have refused or left counselling from school, their parents dont care and wont help them I have no power to but you do for your own brother, I feel like oh im too busy, I dont have the money, time, theres nothing I can do but thats because im hurting over what has happened and feeling guilty about my brothers and defeated, I need counselling as well as them so its hard to manage both of our wellbeings.

You can only bring a horse to water but saying that a young person needs lots of opportunities open and presented to them, theyre going to sit in and watch tv otherwise and drift, and that goes beyond counselling there are other activities that can provide a focus, structure and healing as when we dont have our parents or a difficult past if we don't have other postive things in our lives it can just feel like its all that emptiness. Make time to listen to him, do activities with him, make the time even if he doesnt appreciate it now he is still growing and later on in life he will either remember how you always offered this and that (doesnt have to cost money) and listened to him or that emotionally you were always busy. I know he goes with you to places but how about just you and him doing things, if he doesnt want to fine ask him what he'd like to do instead, and find a way to talk to listen to him where he can open up over time without you trying to fix his problems, protect him or stop him feeling things, you sound like youre the only person who has been through the same thing that cares forget about the other family members, I have older siblings who dont care about my smaller siblings welfare and you know what I just dont even bother thinking about that or keeping in contact with people who are just not good for me.

Taltos

I can't really add to any of Beruthiel's advice apart from maybe suggesting don't think you have to show a calm strong front all the time. Maybe if he sees how upset and lost you are really feeling - both at losing your parents and your perceived failure of him (by the way I think you are doing a great job) - he might wake up a bit. As well as the loss, he is also trying to learn how to cope with the rush of hormones through his body - difficult for many guys but would guess that with everything else this must be a nightmare for him, most especially if he is confused about his sexuality.

My only real concern is that he might be giving out signals to predators that he is free game - so in my opinion counselling is very important. All you can really do is let him know on a daily basis that you love him and that no matter what you will be there for him (hopefully he won't push that one...).

daisybelle2008

Utterly Lost wrote: »

.

I can't grieve coz I have to work, come home clean up after him (very messy 16 year old, but what 16 year old isn't) which takes half the night.

Don't be afraid to get him to help more with that. Maybe do it together and as someone suggested help with the cooking too. Sometimes it is nice quality time together and conversation can open up as you do tasks together.
I hope things improve soon but you can only do your best and you have had an awful lot to deal with.

qwertytlk

You and your brother have been through a lot in loosing both parents in such tragic and sudden circumstances,
Especially when your both so young.
It seems like your brother is just clinging onto whoever shows him attention and almost morphing into them( probably in an attempt to get them to like him or so that he can fit in)
He sounds as though he is deeply confused and in my opinion it would be the best for him if he spoke to a counsellor about how he is feeling and all the changes he has been through and the deaths of his parents.

As for yourself saying you have no idea how to deal with a 16 yr old, well I completely understand that. How would you! Your only young yourself and you have also been through the mill so perhaps you could get some advice from a professional organization or go to some form of parenting classes.
I'm just presuming there would have been a social worker or someone of the sort involved in your/ your brothers case at some stage, so if there was perhaps you could contact them adb ask for advice or for them to point you in the right direction. If that's not the case then I'm sure your gp would have some good advice or suggestions for you. They would also be able to refer your brother to a counselor.

Best of luck with everything and I hope it all works out . Also just want to say I think your amazing for taking care of your brother like this, a lot of people wouldn't do it so you really deserve some recognition for it.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Well Monday, things got the better then me and I broke down. On Sunday night he transpired he was heading into town monday & Wednesday. I knew about Wednesday, but not about Monday. So he made a big deal about that he told me blah blah blah, when he didn't. I can honestly say he never said a word. So I said yeah fine, so my other half said text me if you'll be home for dinner.
So Monday, walks in after work and he's here! Never said a word or text and I had arranged for the other half & myself to go out so that put a stop to that and he just shrugged it off and I just broke down crying. He saw this and apologized. I explained to him that if he doesn't trust me, I can't trust him and so on. So he asked to head back to councelling. So I arranged it (will hit the pocket, but ah well)
So today he heads into town, which he did but he mates later on face booked him saying they had a great time and me sitting here going "where the hell is he" and this it at 6 o'clock. No word from him.
Came home around half 9, Asked him was he only getting back now from town and he says "Ah I was walking around the last 45 mins with my friends" when really he left his friends at 6.

I can't keep talking nice to him. The lying is annoying me, What will he get from it????