Over reacting GF or selfish ***** BF

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months and I'm living with her. She is amazing. She is literally too good to me. She lives her life for me. I try and do the same for her, and 99% of the time I succeed and things are great. But in those 1% of times, she cries, and we argue for hours, and she says I don't care about her. I'll admit, I'm not as thoughtful as she is, but I do love her. This needs an example.
Last argument we had was when she was getting up to go to work training for 5 hours, and I had offered to get up early with her and make her some breakfast. Coffee and toast with cheese. Nothing special, but still breakfast. While we were lying in bed she mentions there is bread or milk (so I couldn't make coffee or toast) so I didn't get up with her. I would have thought a reasonable response would be "There is nothing for him to make so there's not much point in him getting up. But he's tired and has a toothache and he was still going to get up to take care of me. Awwhh" Her reaction was "You don't care if I'm going to have go all day without food. You don't care about me. You're just selfish"
Like I say most of the time, things are great. But every argument we have includes her claiming I don't care and I don't love her. This makes me feel like she doesn't appreciate anything I do for her. So which is it? Unappreciative and overreacting GF or selfish thoughtless BF.

username123

I_dunno_anymore wrote: »

She lives her life for me. I try and do the same for her, and 99% of the time I succeed and things are great.

Thats really not a healthy way to live at all. Both of you need to live for yourselves, its just massively dysfunctional otherwise. Its nice to do nice things for each other, but basics like nutrition need to be looked after by an individual, you cannot be depending on someone else to ensure you are fed, adults need to be able to feed themselves.

What you describe sound very childish, taking offence over nothing, more like testing the relationship or deliberately picking a row to get the attention that didnt come because you didnt get up to make the food. Like a child being bold to get a parents attention, you know? Attention seeking behaviour usually stems from insecurity.

P. Breathnach

Sounds to me like a bit of each, if the breakfast story is a fair indicator. Making the breakfast wasn't the core of your offer, the bit she would value most: it was getting out of bed to see her off to work. You didn't see that, and it looks as if she didn't see it that way either - but I suspect that she felt it that way.

daisybelle2008

I_dunno_anymore wrote: »

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months and I'm living with her. She is amazing. She is literally too good to me. She lives her life for me. I try and do the same for her, and 99% of the time I succeed and things are great. But in those 1% of times, she cries, and we argue for hours, and she says I don't care about her.
. So which is it? Unappreciative and overreacting GF or selfish thoughtless BF.

I don't think it is either. Your girlfriend seems a bit insecure and a little too dependent on you. Living her life for you is neither healthy or sustainable.
I would sit down and have a good chat with her. Crying and arguing for hours about minor things and claiming you don't love her is not good.
How are the arguments resolved? Does she acknowledge that she went a bit overboard, or do you concede that you haven't tried hard enough?
Does she have a full life i.e friends, hobbies, outside activities, outside of you.
Do you spend an inordinate amount of time together, is there any other jealousy or possessiveness.

Good communication and being upfront are important in a relationship. Be sure to air your concerns (not when an argument is in the air!) in a positive manner.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Crying and arguing for hours about minor things and claiming you don't love her is not good.
How are the arguments resolved? Does she acknowledge that she went a bit overboard, or do you concede that you haven't tried hard enough?
Does she have a full life i.e friends, hobbies, outside activities, outside of you.
Do you spend an inordinate amount of time together, is there any other jealousy or possessiveness.

Good communication and being upfront are important in a relationship. Be sure to air your concerns (not when an argument is in the air!) in a positive manner.

Thanks for the answers so far guys.

Daisy, I always concede that I haven't tried hard enough. The thing is she is not reacting to what is said or done. She is reacting to the implications of that. Not making breakfast = Not caring if she eats. So from that point of view, she doesn't go overboard.
Also she doesn't have a full life outside of me. The thing is, she is Brazilian and was orginally planning to go home earlier this year. She stayed for me. Any friends she had here, are gone or are shortly going back to Brazil. She plays for an orchestra, but they rarely meet.

daisybelle2008

I_dunno_anymore wrote: »

Thanks for the answers so far guys.

Daisy, I always concede that I haven't tried hard enough. The thing is she is not reacting to what is said or done. She is reacting to the implications of that. Not making breakfast = Not caring if she eats. So from that point of view, she doesn't go overboard.
Also she doesn't have a full life outside of me. The thing is, she is Brazilian and was orginally planning to go home earlier this year. She stayed for me. Any friends she had here, are gone or are shortly going back to Brazil. She plays for an orchestra, but they rarely meet.

I would immediately stop conceding that 'you haven't tried hard enough'. You have tried your best and tell her that and that you are sorry she doesn't find it good enough.
This is becoming a habit for her to let off steam and frustration and you in turn placating her. I would call her bluff, her expectations are unreasonable because she is far too dependent on you.
Encourage her to find some hobbies and make some new friends.
Her living her life for you and you getting up at all hours to make her breakfast to show 'you care she eats' is not cute it is totally unhealthy.

I would be inclined to tell her she would have a long way to go to find someone to run after the way you do and give a **** if she feeds herself or not. I would turn it around and tell her you wouldn't insult a grown woman by implying she can't feed herself.
Are there other signs of jealousness or possessiveness. Do you have a full life outside of her, do you meet your friends and enjoy hobbies regularily or are ye in each others pockets 24/7.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Her living her life for you and you getting up at all hours to make her breakfast to show 'you care she eats' is not cute it is totally unhealthy.
Are there other signs of jealousness or possessiveness. Do you have a full life outside of her, do you meet your friends and enjoy hobbies regularily or are ye in each others pockets 24/7.

Well I wasn't getting up to show I care. I was getting up because I care, and want to make things as easy as I can for her. The fact is, when we argue, there is nearly always something more I can have done, but didn't think of. She expects me to do it because she does for me. Like I said earlier, I'm just not as thoughtful as she is. She is honestly the most thoughful selfless person I know, and I'm not just saying that because I love her.
I would spend at least one evening a week having a drink or on xbox with a friend. I'm happy with the amount of time I spend doing my own thing. Apart from that we are both unemployed and living together. She has school in the afternoon, but there is a lot of time together. But I'm happy with the amount of time I spend with her too. I don't know if possessive is the right word, but she does enjoy the time we spend together. She would NEVER stop me from meeting a friend, or give out to me for it, but I know deep down she would rather I stay with her.

daisybelle2008

I_dunno_anymore wrote: »

Well I wasn't getting up to show I care. I was getting up because I care, and want to make things as easy as I can for her. The fact is, when we argue, there is nearly always something more I can have done, but didn't think of. She expects me to do it because she does for me. Like I said earlier, I'm just not as thoughtful as she is. She is honestly the most thoughful selfless person I know, and I'm not just saying that because I love her.
I would spend at least one evening a week having a drink or on xbox with a friend. I'm happy with the amount of time I spend doing my own thing. Apart from that we are both unemployed and living together. She has school in the afternoon, but there is a lot of time together. But I'm happy with the amount of time I spend with her too. I don't know if possessive is the right word, but she does enjoy the time we spend together. She would NEVER stop me from meeting a friend, or give out to me for it, but I know deep down she would rather I stay with her.

OP you are doing the best you can, it is unreasonable for her to be expecting you to meet some standard she has created in her head.
It is really not evidence of how thoughtful and selfless she is if she seems to be keeping track of what you are not doing and arguing with you when you are not jumping to some tune she has created
in her head. It is not a competition on who does the most. For a selfless person she seems to be well able to pull you up fast enough when she finds you not going some imaginary extra mile for her.
OP don't be afraid to stand up to her a little more, there is no need to constantly concede when she tells you of stuff you she thinks you should have thought of and didn't. That is ridiculous, how are you meant to alter your brain.
Tell her you did your best and that your heart is in the right place and if she is ungrateful then that is her problem. She can't be taking it so personally.
The lack of work, hobbies, different country and missing friendship is taking it's toll. But don't let it damage your relationship. Don't be afraid to stand up and encourage more independence, it will be healthier for ye.

Faith

I don't know, if my boyfriend promised to get up and make me breakfast for a specific reason, but failed to check if there was ANYTHING in the house to make breakfast with, and thus left me hungry, I'd be annoyed too. Couldn't you have checked that you had bread or milk? Once you said you'd look after it, presumably she wouldn't have needed to check that there'd be food for her to eat. You actually ended up making things harder for her, because if she'd be planning to look after her own breakfast, she'd surely have gotten food in. Then you didn't even bother getting up to see her off, after promising to.

I can definitely see why she's cross. You were thoughtless, IMO. Making a gesture is all well and good, but it's useless if you don't follow through with it. That being said, she shouldn't be living her life entirely for you, and needs a better balance herself. If she had more in her life, she wouldn't be as upset when she thinks you've failed her.

ash23

I agree with Faith. From the example you gave, it sounds like you might be a bit thoughtless on occasion. If it's a regular enough thing that you say you will do something but then there is no real substance behind it, I can see why she is getting annoyed.

Her mentioning to you that there was no food in it was your cue to come up with plan B imo. Not to just give up on the idea completely.

username123

tbh it all sounds pretty needy, especially after only 6 months together.

I dont understand why she would stay here to be unemployed? Sorry if thats a side issue, but just with the amount of free time you would be able to spend together as a result of you both being unemployed, and yet, even given that extraordinary amount of time together she STILL would deep down prefer you not to see a friend but to stay with her? That is really really unhealthy and needy imo.

I really dont know if the situation that you describe is her being thoughtless and selfless or if its her being emotionally manipulative - its just not normal to always be together yet want more, or to be totally thoughtful and selfless towards another person and then be freaking out when that person does not reciprocate with the same level of selflessness. Its a recipe for disaster. There are practical considerations also, eventually one of you will (hopefully) get a full time job. Whats going to happen to the other one then? With no outside interests will there be lots of crying about not seeing enough of each other etc?

Lorna123

She knew when you said that you were going to make breakfast that there was nothing to have so how can she start accusing you of not getting up to make breakfast? God, she is just attention seeking if you ask me. She knows you will cow tow to her so she causes a scene over nothing. If you want this to stop then you have to stand up for yourself and put her in her place. Ignore her when she goes off on one.

LegacyUser

OP, you gave one single example where she demanded a bit too much. How about giving us a balanced view of the situation, by mentioning a few examples of her sacrifices as well? Then people might be a bit more careful before saying she is a drama queen who needs someone to put her in her place...

To be honest, it sounds like you are aware of her efforts too, but it also seems like people who are not directly involved in the situation will be too quick in advising you to leave her or to be horrible to her.

By the sound of it, my guess would be the opposite, would be that the mistake you guys are making does not arise from meanness, but instead from loving and caring too much.
My guess would be that the two of you are mad for each other, but this love and caring became a bit too extreme, and even though you both mean well in showing total devotion to each other, ironically that is the source of the problem – like others said, being too dependent, neglecting your personal life etc.

Loving so much, and trying so hard, both attitudes lead to insecurity and stress. And the way you guys – especially her – have found to cope with this insecurity and stress is to demand more love, to make sure you are safe and on the same page.

My suggestion would be, as others said, trying to be less dependent and less focused on each other. I know it sounds hard, and a bit pointless, when things are so sweet and perfect and you enjoy so much to spend time together, but in the end there will be less pressure from both sides, and you will enjoy each other more.

Best of luck!

anewme

It comes across as if you are bowing down to her all the time, even your opening line, she is too good to me....she lives her life for me. She should live her life for herself and share it with you and so should you.

Can understand her being annoyed if you said you would get up to make her breakfast and then said at the last minute "ah well, theres nothing there, I'm staying in me leaba " or could it have happened a different way as another poster said, she knew there was no foodstuff in and still let you volunteer to get up and make something, which would lead to a row and a sulk.

Sorry for being a miserable old cynic here, but as you are both unemployed at the moment, you would be better concentrating on your future life plans rather than fighting over codswallop. That type of negative energy is draining and distracting from what you should be concentrating on.


Never live your life for someone else......

LegacyUser

My girlfriend just broke up with me for lots of stuff, but because of stuff like this.

Some women are like that.

When you say your going to do something, Do it, Otherwise you just never hear the end of it and they think you dont give a sh*t.

Just the way some people are i guess.

If you love her trust me dont make the same mistake i made, and kept saying id do this and that and never following through with the plan.

Havent been out of my bed in 3 months

ash23

Some women are like that.

When you say your going to do something, Do it, Otherwise you just never hear the end of it and they think you dont give a sh*t.

Not some women. All women. And men. Nobody likes empty promises and for someone to be always letting them down. Nobody wants to be with someone who is unreliable.

It would drive me to distraction if I were with someone who said he would do something and then didn't. I can only imagine it would involve a perpetual feeling of disappointment, followed by learning not to get your hopes up, followed by total disillusion in your partner. Not the basis of a happy relationship at all.

tan11ie

I_dunno_anymore wrote: »

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months and I'm living with her. She is amazing. She is literally too good to me. She lives her life for me. I try and do the same for her, and 99% of the time I succeed and things are great. But in those 1% of times, she cries, and we argue for hours, and she says I don't care about her. I'll admit, I'm not as thoughtful as she is, but I do love her. This needs an example.
Last argument we had was when she was getting up to go to work training for 5 hours, and I had offered to get up early with her and make her some breakfast. Coffee and toast with cheese. Nothing special, but still breakfast. While we were lying in bed she mentions there is bread or milk (so I couldn't make coffee or toast) so I didn't get up with her. I would have thought a reasonable response would be "There is nothing for him to make so there's not much point in him getting up. But he's tired and has a toothache and he was still going to get up to take care of me. Awwhh" Her reaction was "You don't care if I'm going to have go all day without food. You don't care about me. You're just selfish"
Like I say most of the time, things are great. But every argument we have includes her claiming I don't care and I don't love her. This makes me feel like she doesn't appreciate anything I do for her. So which is it? Unappreciative and overreacting GF or selfish thoughtless BF.

So she knew there was no bread or milk from the night before and waited until you were getting up to make breakfast to inform you Seems to me she's very insecure and needs you jumping through hoops to put herself at ease.

Seriously Op if you're only with her six months and she is going on like this...think of what the future holds!

You need to sit down and have a chat, tell her how much you care and that proving it at every given opportunity just isn't you.If she can't accept that then to be quite honest you're in for a drama filled relationship!

Good luck.

Milky Moo

Relationships are not a point scoring game: I did this nice thing so you owe me one, you do those sweet things because you want to make your OH happy and in turn that makes you happy!

It is not a series of checks and balances, there has to be some give. You seem like you care about her and are attentive, she may need to realise that life isn't a movie with Kodak moments all the way.

Maybe it is because she/you two are young and there is an expectation of the picture perfect relationship?
Maybe she needs reminding that some nights ye will just be watching crap tv, drinking a cup of tea with the odd burp or fart....would these moments make it be in a rom-com, no!, but that is the reality of an everyday relationship!

Lexicographer

Just be honest, do what you will say and if you aren't going do, then don't say it. It's thoughtless and lazy.