Moving to the next stage

LegacyUser

Hey all - this is going to be a weird post, dont know if anyone has been in this position before or can have some advice for me - I have looked up the threads and there are some that are similar to one aspect of what I need advice on.

First of all. I am a 25 year old female and I am a virgin. I am finding it difficult to cope with this lately - it didnt bother me so much up to now, but here I am in my mid 20s and I have never had full sexual intercourse.

Two - it is beginning to ruin my mindset and the way I talk to people (particularly males) - and it is getting worse.

I am not at all prudish - this is going to sound silly, I think my fear has come from my mother threatening to kick me out of the house / disown me if I ever fell pregnant when I was younger - and as ridiculous as this sounds - I think I have subconsciously held onto this fear over the past few years. And it is seriously beginning to have a massive effect on my love life and its now really starting to get me down

I have been in one long term relationship when I was 18-20 - they guy I was seeing then was 2 years older than me and was initially very understanding that I wasnt ready to sleep with him. After 8 months, he understandbly started to get a little frustrated and 2 months later I found out he cheated on me a few times - we briefly broke up. Once we got back together the trust was gone and it basically hit me back to square one regarding being ready to sleep with him and the relationship disintergrated both because of my insecurities and unwillingness to sleep with him - dont get me wrong, I was very much in love at the time, but was very hurt. I had always been self conscious about my weight and looks as well, and I think this also played a part in my confidence - I was very shy and I think this also played a part.

Fast forward two years later and I started dating another guy. We would go out together, go on dates and we would stay over at each others. this was going on for 2-3 months - and although I came close to sleeping with him on a few occassions - I never went the whole way. I was afraid he would find out I was a virgin etc so I always made my excuses - eventhough I was ready, its the fact I am a virgin and afraid at this stage that puts me off. Also, he lived in a house full of lads who have mutual friends so I was terrified eveyone would find out - Although now I am sure they all look at me and think 'frigid bit*h' Again - this 'thing' we had gradually faded out and that was that. He randomly met one of my friends one night and said it was such a pity things didnt go any further but he felt I didnt like him as I put off going home with him, or would make excuses about going on dates. This has also happened with another guy I was seeing for awhile back home before I left and again - he initially showed great interest and after 2 months of going on dates / meeting up on nights out - it just fizzled out.

Along the way, I lost weight, moved country, got a good job and finally stated to feel better about myself and this began to show. On a night out I would get chatted up quiet a bit, but even if I was attracted to the person, I would just think 'oh screw it, its not worth it' cos the whole cycle is just going to start again, and I will end up hurting myself and wasting someone elses time.

I just want to blurt it out but I am soooooo embarrassed. This really came to a head on Sat night - I met a guy in a bar and he was super cute and very sound - we both had too much to drink and he wanted me to go back to his or come back to mine. Obviously he was after one thing, but once again the fear kicked in, I made my stupid excuses and off I went. I just want to stop having to be embarrassed about this. I am in my mid 20s in another country. I should be out being able to enjoy myself, instead I was at home feeling stupid about the whole situation again. I know this guy was just probably keen on a ONS - which is fair enough - I just feel as though this fear will never let me get to the next stage of a relationship or whatever - and that I will wind up alone.

So has anyone any advice how I can get out of this mind set?
And guys, am I just going for the wrong types of guys? I just dont know how to get over this situation. Its playing on my mind the whole time, I dont know what to do...

Thanks for reading

Lorna123

If you are afraid that a guy will know you are a virgin then relax, there are no physical signs that a girl is a virgin, nobody can tell unless you are acting so nervous that it might be obvious and I don't think this is the case with you. You are able to do the foreplay so the next step will be easy enough when you meet the right guy.

It is better if you have sex with a guy you are in a relationship with. I would not advocate one night stands at all, and especially not for your first time. Don't place too much emphasis on this first time either, when it happens it happens and no need to worry about it. You have built this up into a big thing in your head but it doesn't deserve that. It is a natural progression and sex gets better the more you do it so there is nothing great about the first time and that is what is making you feel nervous. You are only 25, plenty of time.;)

Merkin

I actually think you should lose it to a ONS. I think your virginity has become bigger than you are at this stage and it's actually a hinderance to meeting someone lovely and having a hot sex life. What a shame that is. Your first time isn't earth-shatteringly amazing and you don't want people in your circle to know so I reckon if you're in a situation like you were on Saturday again then you should just go for it, be safe and have some fun!

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I can see why you have turned this into a big issue but it is not as big as you think. My girlfriend is 24 and is also a virgin and has had long relationships in the past. She was a little embarrassed to tell me as I am a little older but she had no reason to. We are together six months now and are going to do it soon with no pressure. She is very beautiful and a few of her friends are virgins too. There are a lot more virgins than everyone thinks lads and girls in this country.

Don't lose it to a one night stand, many do that and everyone who does that regrets it. Wait until you are happy, ready and feel safe in a relationship.

syklops

Lorna123 wrote: »

If you are afraid that a guy will know you are a virgin then relax, there are no physical signs that a girl is a virgin, nobody can tell unless you are acting so nervous that it might be obvious and I don't think this is the case with you. You are able to do the foreplay so the next step will be easy enough when you meet the right guy.

Thats not actually true. If the OP has not done any penetrative masterbation, then her hymen will not be broken, which means when she does it the first time there will be blood. Not very much but enough to signify to the lucky gent that she is a virgin. The OP will also be very tight, and the man will have problems entering her, so, another telltale.

In the past I have slept with 2 virgins. Both developed into lasting relationships, but with one I knew she was a virgin beforehand, the other I didn't. Whoever you do it with, I would make sure the person knows you are a virgin. It will probably be uncomfortable for you, and it would be nice if he or she will be sensitive to your feelings, that is after all, what sex is all about, the feelings, both emotional and physical.

The first time sucks for every body. I don't know a single person who said their first time was terrific. No amount of porn beforehand prepares you for it either. Its a rite of passage that most people go through at some point in their lives. Try not to build it up in your head too much. To quote a certain teen movie, "Its not a space shuttle launch, its sex".

You don't mention whether you masterbate or not, I assume you do. Maybe get some toys and become more familiar with the different kinds of sensations down there, so that when it does happen, its not all a big surprise.

When you feel you are ready, before you do it, whether its a one night stand or not, tell him calmly, that you are a virgin. First off, the guy will be very flattered, and secondly, he will be more careful, and sensitive to you. Good luck!

Lorna123

syklops wrote: »

Thats not actually true. If the OP has not done any penetrative masterbation, then her hymen will not be broken, which means when she does it the first time there will be blood. Not very much but enough to signify to the lucky gent that she is a virgin. The OP will also be very tight, and the man will have problems entering her, so, another telltale.

In the past I have slept with 2 virgins. Both developed into lasting relationships, but with one I knew she was a virgin beforehand, the other I didn't. Whoever you do it with, I would make sure the person knows you are a virgin. It will probably be uncomfortable for you, and it would be nice if he or she will be sensitive to your feelings, that is after all, what sex is all about, the feelings, both emotional and physical.

The first time sucks for every body. I don't know a single person who said their first time was terrific. No amount of porn beforehand prepares you for it either. Its a rite of passage that most people go through at some point in their lives. Try not to build it up in your head too much. To quote a certain teen movie, "Its not a space shuttle launch, its sex".

You don't mention whether you masterbate or not, I assume you do. Maybe get some toys and become more familiar with the different kinds of sensations down there, so that when it does happen, its not all a big surprise.

When you feel you are ready, before you do it, whether its a one night stand or not, tell him calmly, that you are a virgin. First off, the guy will be very flattered, and secondly, he will be more careful, and sensitive to you. Good luck!

I understand what you mean here but the hymen can be broken during sports or lots of other reasons so the man is not going to know for sure. She won't necessarily be very tight. None of this ever happened to me. It is not really that the first time sucks it is just that she might be expecting too much and be disappointed. Let her tell the guy if that is what she wants to do but I got the impression that she didn't want anyone to know and my advice would be that nobody has to know. That is all I am saying.

Lawliet

syklops wrote: »

Thats not actually true. If the OP has not done any penetrative masterbation, then her hymen will not be broken, which means when she does it the first time there will be blood. Not very much but enough to signify to the lucky gent that she is a virgin. The OP will also be very tight, and the man will have problems entering her, so, another telltale.

The hymen doesn't 'break' it stretches through physical activity and penetration. Not all virgins bleed or are tight. If there is bleeding or tightness it means the girl was probably very nervous and there wasn't enough foreplay. A lot of virgins don't know enough about their own anatomy to avoid their first time being unnecessarily painful. I don't want to get crude, but you need to lube up and then there shouldn't be any blood.

OP, do you actually want to have sex? From reading your post its hard to tell whether you desire sex for yourself, or if you feel like you should be having sex because its 'normal'. If its the former maybe counselling could help you work through whatever issues are holding you back. And if it's the latter, you might want to explore the possibility that you're asexual.

snafuk35

You should advance toward sex in stages.
Get used to kissing on the lips, then kiss with tongues, then kisses all over your face, your neck and shoulders. When you are comfortable with that try have your man fondle your breasts through your clothes while you play with his penis through his trousers.
After a few dates where you go farther each time take off your top and let him fondle and kiss your naked breasts when you kiss and cuddle.
On a later date open your jeans and let him watch while your play with yourself and watching him jerk himself off. Next time take his penis in your mouth and let him lick you out.
Before you have sex both of you should get totally naked and enjoy kissing and fondling and going down on each other.
Later you might let him cum on your breasts or on your tummy or on your face but not have penetrative sex.
Then on the next date you might try having sex or whenever your comfortable.

This is much better than the pressure of having sex on a one night stand or going out with a guy and deciding this night is going to be the night.

By instead progressively getting intimate over a number of dates and spacing things out gradually when you finally have sex it wont be as awkward.

Hersheys

I had a similar situation to you OP. I'd find it so easy to do the whole foreplay thing but once it got to the sex stage I just got such a fear that I couldn't do it.

So I got to know my own body. I bought a vibrator, some decent lube and I just taught myself to relax and then finally I was able to build up the courage.

Something that might help (that helped me) - learn how to relax your pelvic floor muscles, if these are tense during sex it's gonna be sore. They're the muscles you use to pee - clench and relax them so you get used to the sensations and if you can teach yourself to relax them and allow a vibrator into your vagina you should find the transition to sex easier.

LegacyUser

Trying to stay as un graphic as possible here, but I had some very noticeable signs that I was a virgin when I had sex for the first time, despite having used vibrators, and having foreplay and using lube.

I was in my early 20s, so a little bit old, but not really. I am glad I told the guy I was, cause he went really slow and it did hurt. I know not all girls get this, but you aren't going to know what happens until you do it. So I think it really is best to let him know you are a virgin. It just avoids possible embarrassment, and I guess it makes a little more special too!

The guy was a little shocked when I told him, cause I was sorta old (by his standards I guess!) But after like 2 seconds he didn't care and told me he would wait as long as we needed to, cause he liked me.

OP I think its more of a mental block with you. You seem to associate sex with something bad happening, probably due to your past. Next time you have a boyfriend take it slowly. You haven't said much about how far you have gotten, but foreplay can be fun on its own without getting to penetration. And the more often you do this a guy, the more comfortable and confident you will start to feel, and hopefully you can work your way up to going the whole way. Make sure you are talking about it too, don't keep worries bottled up!

Its up to you if you want to go for a one night stand, I just know I wouldn't have had it any other way even though I'm not with that guy anymore. Talking about it beforehand and knowing I was safe with him made it good for me, even though it wasn't really good if you understand!

Merkin

Lawliet wrote: »

• If there is bleeding or tightness it means the girl was probably very nervous and there wasn't enough foreplay.
• A lot of virgins don't know enough about their own anatomy to avoid their first time being unnecessarily painful.
• I don't want to get crude, but you need to lube up and then there shouldn't be any blood.

OP, do you actually want to have sex? From reading your post its hard to tell whether you desire sex for yourself, or if you feel like you should be having sex because its 'normal'. If its the former maybe counselling could help you work through whatever issues are holding you back. And if it's the latter, you might want to explore the possibility that you're asexual.

I'm afraid all of the above is totally innacurate and wholly misleading to the OP. The hymen (if intact) will bleed regardless of how much lube or foreplay and will in most instances cause some pain.

I also think suggesting the OP needs either counselling or is asexual is totally off the mark is well.

Ickle Magoo

To save any confusion, there's info on hymens HERE OP...

As for the issue you posted about, I think what/if anything needs to be done boils down to whether you really want to have sex but now can't bring yourself to do it or whether you have just never been ready in yourself to take it to the next level.

If you think your mothers warning has instilled a kind of phobia then that might be worth talking that over with somebody. If it's a case of needing to feel safe and secure in a relationship then you certainly wouldn't be alone in that, ONS aren't for everybody...you wouldn't be alone in wanting to wait to be married either OP...but I think regardless of what you choose to do/don't do, it's important that it's a free choice you are making rather than one you feel pressurised to make or unable to make.

All the best.

Lawliet

Merkin wrote: »

I'm afraid all of the above is totally innacurate and wholly misleading to the OP. The hymen (if intact) will bleed regardless of how much lube or foreplay and will in most instances cause some pain.

I also think suggesting the OP needs either counselling or is asexual is totally off the mark is well.

This perception of the hymen being a sort of seal that is either broken or unbroken, is completely wrong. The hymen doesn't even cover the vagina completely - if it did women wouldn't be able to have periods or use tampons. The hymen is a layer of elastic tissue around the edge of the vagina, that stretches and when its torn it bleeds, during arousal the vagina becomes enlarged, this combined with enough lubrication can allow penetration to stretch the hymen without tearing it.
I only bring this up because women get hit with an awful lot of violent language when it comes to sex; we're told there'll be breaking and bleeding and it'll hurt and you should get it over quickly. If you think its going to be like that, you're going to be a bit scared and tense and it's going to hurt more than it has to, but you're comfortable, aroused, lubricated and take it slow, your first time can be a pleasant experience.

As for the usefulness of my advice, that's really for the OP to decide.

LegacyUser

OP here again - thank you so much for all the replies.

Just to clarify - I do feel ready to have sex, its just the embarrassment when I get to that point - the thought of not knowing what to do - that makes me stop - its like a fear. I do know I have bulit it up a lot in my own head.

Obviously, I am 25 and usually I like to be with guys who are a little bit older. I am a single girl and want to have fun - I have no desire to settle down yet, so yes a lot of guys I do kiss arent looking for anything serious and probably just casual sex. I just feel like for myself I am missing out on this part of single life - and if I was to wait when I am in a relationship, I dont want to end up finally sleeping with my partner and then thinking 'this is the fun I could have been having when I was younger'. Don't get me wrong, I definetly dont want to go whoring about, but it would be nice to be with a guy on a night out and not have this nigling feeling on the back of my head, thinking about when the club is over how I can again make my excuses (even though at this stage, I may want to go home with the person), just because I fear for telling them the truth.

I think the suggestion of a vibrator may be one which I could def venture. I have done everything in the past bar penetrative sex, so in terms of foreplay etc I am there. You can imagine how frustrating this is for any partner - when it comes to the next stage and I just freeze - and then its that age old story 'sorry I just cant do this'. I look like a freak, I look like a prick tease and I just want to get on with it so I can enjoy myself and finally have some fun. Hate to be graphic, but my biggest fear on this is if he can enter me because I am tight or again if I do bleed - it would be a dead give away - so I suppose honesty is the best way to make me feel more relaxed than tense.

Thank you for all your reassurance though, it has really helped. I think honesty with a partner is the best way to go. I suppose, a guy wont turn it down anyway, he would probably just be extremely shocked at the fact and my age. It would probably be just the second of admitting it that would be most embarrassing. I think I just need to get the courage and finally just go for it, so I can get on with the next stage of any prospective relationship.

Thanks so much guys, this has made me feel so much better